On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

watching angle cry

i figured it out. my life will end in my suidicde.

im not pleased with this, im not displease with it either.

i dont believe in fate, but this is whats going to happen.

the good thing is its not happening now. it was. i really almost was. it wiuold be nice to explain this to someone, but they wouldnt believe it. or theyd belive it only becuaes theyre certain theyve known this. but they dont. \

unless they have

i think im paranoid

theres no way to know thing.s i hate it. i hate that so much, its the only thign i hate. not being able to kjnow. being able to decide.

everything else is moot.

but its not now. im grateful. i dont look forward to death. i liek life, so long as its making sense. when it doesnt make sense i want it gone. but i cant have that. and if i could i wouldnt want it, so long as i could have it.

nothing makes sense.

but its not now. i wish i had written it down when it was possibly now,hten id get closer, but its not now anyomore.

oh well it will be again

thats the worst poart. knowing its going to come back.

and back again

and back again

\
until one day. itll be over. thats a relaxing thought.

over.

theres no way to know. if its real or its not. i dont think everyone lives with this unsurety. but i cant knwo

i cant know anythign

i want to. i want to know.

i want sense
i want logic

but they ellude me so.

its okay beucase its not now, but im terrified and relieved at the thoguht that itll  come back again.

oh lordddddy

things just arent fair

why cant

i never would

and even when

because its not right

i feel like im going to be lonely for ever

i mean, why should i have to fuck someone i dont want to fuck just to make them happy? couldnt they just be my friend without taht. i never asked anything of them.

why, why born a girl?

if i was a boy, none of this would be happening.

none of it.

and i think im paranoid.

theres a motif of the evening, of the day really. and its that,

i do and do not want to die

its yes and no

its black and white

light and dark

its me and its not

i think it might be a problem

i kept holding  knife to my throat last night. thats how i’ll/i’d do it if i do. fuck the wrists to many factors that might not make it work. fuck pills someone will find me, fuck hanging, i can tie a noose, fuck a gun, i dont have one

nothign all too dramatic. just one cut, maybe only half an inch, right across my jugular on my left side. its wrong becuase i do and do not. i will and will not.

a board cannot be all white if its all green

i have a board thats all white and all green, i want to tear it off the wall
go fish

i think im going to see somebody. an actaul doctor. its okay to say it here/.

things arent okay

things are okay.

there no sense

there is sense

but what i know for sure is i cant live like this. i cant not know what is and what isnt. i cant live without the seperation between the two. its doing things. its making eveerything so much more difficult than it need be.

this is a real problem, that much i almost know. because i dont want it. its making it very difficult.

i want it to stop. i want to know. i want black to be black and white to be white. i want boards to be one color.

its making me sick.

this is jens fault, i didnt  know, not until she said it.

i dont want this.

death doesnt scare me. not in the slightests. if i was on a desert island there is no doubt in my mind id do it. none whatsoever.

i know that. becuae i burn myself. i couldnt do that if i coulnt cut my throat.

i started cutting it, just a little. just to see. round the bases. it was so cool, and perfect.

knives are perfect specimens of technology. they serve theyre purpose always. the best is there is no way to tame them. they serve their function, to cut, whether we intend it or not. absolutely perfect.

i had to cut my hair when i kept pushing it in harder.

i thought this wouldnt be here when i woke up, things are always much more intense

camping, its fucking intense/in tents

when its dark. but i woke up no better. im allergic to this feeling. it makes me physically try to get out of my skin

that sounds like emo bullshit.

but its true.

sicle cell disease. the last part of me pulled away from my skin. like elastic. and now im together and whole but pulled apart from me. im apart and together

its yes its no

its all green its all white

its getting worse thinking about it, its bad enough trying not to, i thought this would help. its not.

it is.

its not

it is

its not

it is

its not

it is

i would. but my mom, shell be so sad. jenny sarah and chris too.

theyll be so sad, especially mom.

i cant

i will

i wont

i have

i havent

i shouldnt

i shouldnt not

i couldnt

i couldnt not

its a problem, i think ive decided i dont want to. i cant and wont. but at the same time everything i do to make it the way that it should be makes me sick

it makes me crawl

i will crawl away from god.

so ill see somebody. ill waste all my momney, because jen made me not like this

when i liked it so much to begin with.

so ill spend money and tell them to go fish if they cant fix it.

they will

thye wont

its green

its white

burn the witch.

ive decided theres a rare an ellusive, maybe even divine quality that only the naive enjoy

an intangible yet awesome force that propells their actions with sense of surety and well being which the causes their obvious invincibility.

and then one day something doesnt go as they would have expected. and then closely following life scares them again. Their heroes die and their distressed damsles become old. her teeth yellow and chip at the corners, a crack forms down the length of her tongue. Unknown white matter crusts around the edges of her mouth. She becomes old but still wears the asme amount of a makeup a young girl would because this damsle has forgotten shes old. She never even realizes her life is over. But she keeps rocking in her chair with her long matted grey hair hanging out the window certain of her rescue. She dies like that and surely goes to hell, with such a wasted life, the afterlife could be no better. 

and thats when these precious naive few learn the world has teeth and it can bite. and they cry, god help them they cry. they hurt, they bleed, they suffer.

and then continue, perhaps with a little more trepidation in their skip, but better than nothing.

until it happens again. and again. and again.

and then these poor few become callused and even the worst burn or deepest cut cannot be felt through their dead skin. theres no more unbridled happiness or carefree lifestyle. theyre wiser now and can usually see trouble long before it happens. And theyll long see touble where it never is. They lack confidence in everything save for the depravity of the world. That same intangible and awesome surety is mutilated and twisted so that instead of knowing the good it only suspects the bad.

They once woke up every morning wondering what will happen today and such musing are replaced by the fears of what could happen today.

and then worst of all i think a part of them realizes this has happened. and instead of lamenting over the terrible loss they pride themselves. they believe they are better this way. but as in most things they cant be completely sure, so they convince themselves. they rename all who are still invincible and happy the naive. And they say it with an air of knowing, tyring to instill in the innocents theyre same doubt and suspicion. they try to convince the naive that they are flawed and sillly. that good int he world is fabled and shit.

then the sad people have children who fall into the same cycle. because everyone is either naive or enlightened, the latter having various levels. id like to be naive again, just for a little while.

because right now, i think there are good things but i can hardly ever get excited for them becuase such thigns are so easily taken away. and i cant thinjk of anyway to stop that feeling. but it seeemed justified to let people know, naivety needn’t carry its negative connotation.

in fact, it probably should be enjoyed and valued. and if ever possible, sought out.

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i forgot how hard dieting is again, im hungry all ready

am i doomed to have a pudgy body becuase ill never work out or diet? lets hope not.

im fairly certain i can bring ymself to work out, i just hate not being able to eat.

anywya,

im scared adam reads this now. my paranoia has a founded fear, which makes it worse than ever!
adam if you do read this, please please please dont??

i cant delete it i love it too much, but if it was compromised id just die!

and believe me, id find out if you were reading it,  i dunno how, but i would eventually, and then id never be able to look at you the same.

much int he way of jeff looking at my naked in pictures

how amazingly creepy and gross.

and after i was making such efforts to not feel uncomfortable in such ways, he kills my efforts completely.
ugh and then argues with me on the definition of my being sick. ugh, why?

anyway, beuczse im the creeper now, here some stuff

-We found TK-421 it’s pricy but I may get it
–ooh how much>
-$4935. Maybe, maybe not. If I do I may have to cristen it with a trip
–oh thats not too bad, can it be a trip to visit george lucas and all his wonder at skywalker ranch??
- Eh, it is a little. Possibly, but to steal the blueprints to the next fuck and slap him into his senses.
–What?! youre saying attack of the clones wasnt your favorite star wars installment!?!
-I would rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear. Weren’t you there when we watched that?
–Lol, yes, but i got to miss most of it fortuantely by talking to bode.
-Ah yes, but im sure you saw the sadness in my eyes…
–Yes it was truely horrible, lets make jeff and adam watch it!
-That’s cruel and unusual. Let’s doit! But I don’t have to watch it again do I?
–Of course, we all have to watch it!
-That means I suffer twice as much, whose gonna catch up with me?
–Well ive seen part of it so ill be suffering, and well all be drinking.
-Only if i get a head start so I;m drunkish when it starts so I can pass out before it’s done

im tired and dont care about this, ill finish later

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youre a mans woman, you hate other women and they hate you

ive realized. im unplottable. yay harry potter.

i see josh’s new girlfriend and it bugs me that she seems to like the same things i like but looks oh so trendy. i dont know why, but the fact that she can appreciate the same things i appreciate but is in essence what i never can be displeases me and widens the feeling that im drifting farther from what is.

i was feeling for a while that i was at a juncture, i dont feel i made the decision, i base that on the idea that im dont want to have made the decision and still want hte option open for whenver i next choose to deal with it, leading me to beleive that it cannot have been made.

the decision is one to sink into insanity or strive to be normal.

im about done with this, ill try again when its right.

that sounds a littl edramatic, its not nearly as interesting as one might think. the fact that i can easily decide this on my own and work against the possibility of impending insanity takes away all the glamour

its hard to go into detail about such things as the semi decisiomn was made to not deal wtih this now in and instead temporarily decide to be sane.

butanyway, that was of importance, im sure.

the difficulty of

im about done with this, ill tyr its agian when its right.

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more paranoia than usual.

alright, here it goes, jeff is not that great, good god.

why is he everyones favorite individual?

i mean sure, he can be a nice guy, but honestly, is he really the fuckign second coming of christ?!?

i swear, its gotta be beacuse he only pulls his shit on girls that everyoen thinks he christ on a cracker. nothign terrible, or weird, its just his whinny, self maryring bullshit that i cant stand.

ugh, i just cant stand it. im sorry, i dont even know why, maybe im siomply souless and therefore cant see the graetness that is jeff.

but really, hes not that great. i swear to god!

because he goes out of his way to do nice things for people? go fuck youself plenty of people do that! besides, if he were truely nice, he wouldnt point out the nice things hes done, but he points them out all the time, beucase he is still looking for some sort of recognition, and what aout his crying, boo hoo i cant find the will to liev. i onyl live to make those around me happy.

oh jesus christ.

ugh everyone feels like that, the rest of us have some self respect and dont come out and say it. besides, if you truely hated yourelf, youd try to destroy youself and everything that makes you happy, so even if you only did live to make other people happy youd never let on that thats whaty you do beucace you dont want to give the world a reason to beleve your anything but a rotten decayed inside.

fuck.

this brings me to my next thing. being born a woman was the worst injustice i could have ever been dealt. all i want are friends i have soemthing in common with. i knwo i rbought this on myself, but im still no happier about it.

i wanted to be friedns with the deity jeff, but he decides tahts impossible and goes out of his way to make it impossible to be my friend without making me constantly uncomfortable. woot

then adam,

then i haang around ryan axxel and he likes me then deletes me from his friends.

soon everyones going to hate me too and ill be back at square one.

meanwhile i get to watch jeff grow in favor with steven even though ive seen and talked to him way more just because hes a guy and allowed to have friends.

oh yeah , and my firends, lets recap? im a slut and a horrible perosn. im just done dealing with that shit to put up wtih poeple who only talk abiotu sex, blowing people, who they wanan fuck, how good a fuck someone is, hwo graet it was when we saw each other everyday, and hwo we wish we could still see each other everyday, oh and how we simultaneously love and hate our bofreidns. girls are boring and as predictable as fuck.

so here ill remain. attached to this fucking blog. woofukcinghoo.

bitter today? its a possibility.

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i still like john

he never brought it up

i texted cameron last night becuase he seemed sad

we talked for a bit about his family, and he kissed me

which i didnt count on

ive come to a tough area, im fairly certain john has no interest, or at least no interest now, but i have a hard time imagining dating cameron without out constanty being worried ill do something for him that i want to save for john.

and of course ill be liking him while dating cameron

so i facebooked him

ill see how that goes i suppose.

im just sorta, you know

right?

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so last night, was uh interesting,

to the best of my recollection

i began drinking instantly outta incredible nervousness

okay, i gotta stop,  i dont know whether to be sad or happy.

anyway, started drinking

nothing interesting until i “wanted” the hulk glove, and by hulk glove, i mean john
so i started flirting wtih him, at least it was flirting to me, i dunno about him

and that was fun. then as always jeff attempted to cock block me allllll fucking evening
i didnt ask john to take a walk or talk with me because he said at one point off hand that he didnt like taking walks.

which ended up being a good thing because later he said something negative abotu me making him talk to me :/

then we started taking shots of kaluah together and that was sorta fun

anyway, nothing eventful until jeff went to bed and stopped being a cock block.

and then beng still buzzed, tired, and a little drunk i decided to be bold and stated rather matter of factly that we were gonna sleep on the same couch.

jeff tried being a cock block again and telling us to sleep with him or on different bed but it didnt work, muahahahahahhaha

anyway, thne i started tickling him, again the random boldness, and it was going good, we were actaully wrestling at some point (i am getting in shape, my body disgusts me and im sure it disgusted him)

anyway, that went on for at least a half hour, we quoted metalocalypse and venture brothers, and had good times. i discovered he sorta ticklish on his side, but more on his feet. he discoved im ticklish on my sides, a bit, but moer on my knees. then he kept saying he was gonna bite my nose, and i bit his arm and shoulders a few times (mmm) then when the wrestling stopped we were watching home movies, (yay!) and again with my uncommon boldness i just rested my hand on his chest and started my usual touching of people (not in an inapporpriate way mind you) and i was just sorta stroking/scratching his chest for a bit. then he put his arm around me and started doing the same thing to my arm. then hed move further up my arm and start rubbing my hand, so i started playing with his hair. then he started brushing the hair out of my face. then at one point he looked down at me so i looked up at him for a minute. i really thought we might kiss then, it was inevitable at this point, we had come too far! (ha) but he turned back to the tv again, so we watched for a bit more until i decided, more boldness! (the theme of the evening for myself) and turned from the tv to look at him. he stopped watchign and looked down at me. we didnt do anythign for probably about 30 seconds, but that seemed like a very long time. then i dont remember who exactly went for it, i think he started and i came in close and he kissed me (little smilie face)

and then that turned into a lot of kissing. we started making out, and my hands were rubbing through his hair, and his went under my shirt and then grabbed my ass. then he started fumbling wtih my bra so i helped him out (ahahha) and undid it. more ass and boob grabbing. mmmmm…. i was rubbing his dick through his shorts, then i pulled it outta a bit and just started working the head. his facial expressions were absolutely priceless. then he started fingering me, i felt a little embarassed becuase i wasnt that wet (give me a break, i was nervous and still a bit drunk off kaluah, its not as easy to get wet whilst drunk) and on top of that im not clean shaven becuase cody likes that, but my vag felt uncommonly tight, and id like to think ive got a rather tight one, i wasnt even sure if hed get his fingers in. usualy this is a sign that im not turned on enough to be doing someting sexual, but thats wrong becuase i realyl wanted to sleep iwth him.

i thought about faking an oragism, but i decided not too, plus what he was doing felt incredible anyway and i didnt want him to stop just becuase he thought i d finished. this whole time iw as still just wokring the head, his dick wasnt pulled out far enoguh to really stroke shaft or balls. ( i couldnt pull it out further, what if someone came outside?!?)

i remember opening my eyes a lot, and a few times i saw his eyes open too.

i didnt think he was really enjoying it all that much, but then in an incredible moment he actaully came! ahahah he got jiz all over me and himself and stacys couch. (ahahahhahahhaahha, jeff pointed to a cum stain on my shirt and said, eew you gotta stain, i almost busted out laughing)

anyway, he came but we didnt stop fooling around instantly, he fingered me for maybe a minute more and then stopped but we still kissed for about another minute. then we just stopped, cuddled up again, said nothing (which was a little awkward) and started watchign some lame wanna be dragon ball z thing.

to this point, its safe to say i was estatic.

but then i fucked it up. i always fuck it up.

i decided ive been waiting too long to say it, and i just had to come out wtih it. i asked him if he wanetd to know a secret, he said sure, and i said i kinda like you. not a whole lot, dont get too excited, but a little.

i dont remember what he said back, i think it might been something like
oh, im excited

but it wasnt in a real way. he didnt say anythign after that. it was rejection by silence i think.
hence the sad part.

watched the lame show for a bit more
then he fell asleep

now thinking back on it, i should asked him if he wanted to have a cigarette, fuck i shoulda done that. maybe we wioulda talked then.

so he fell asleep, me still resting on his chest.

i moved his arm when i thought he was good and asleep and slept on my side. i remember him waking up ( in the morning) i sorta meanly grabbed the blanket and cuddled with it. not to be mean, i just was horrified for a second that he could see my sleeping and i always look like such a douche while sleeping, with a blanket i can at least half hide my face. and hten i think he went outside, i promptly passed out again and when i woke up he was sleeping on the couch.

in the mornign him and jeff were talking outside and i went out to join him, and me and him do that magical thing of pretending absolutely nothing happened. we did it all day, any time he paid me the least bit of attention id get excited, but my mind was still on the rejection.

its a sad thing, he finds me sorta attractive, but not enough, and not nearly as much as he does meredith or desere, and i think he finds my personality allright, just not worthy of wanting to spend to much one on one time wtih me.

rejection on all accounts!

im usually just dealing with one or the other.
chris i wasnt hot enough for
cameron i wasnt interesting enough for

but this is both so its unfortunate a little more.

so im at a stand still, im a firm believer in once youve been legitimately rejected you stop embarassing yourself, grow a pair, and get the fuck over it.

now that might seem contradictory as in with cameron, but thats becuase the kid kept saying it was his parents divorcing and not me, and thats not real legitimate rejection. for a whhile i actaully believed him that it was just a bad time instead of the fact that im terribly boring and have nothign interesting to say.

but i think rejection by silence can be a firm and consice rejection. plus the next mornign he was trying to make it to out to jeff that he was drunk last ngiht or simply too tired to think, which is a clever way of absolving all responsibility for his actions while at the same time explaining to me indirectly that he was just fucked up, not actaully interested. which was wasted, i was fairly certain hed never like me anyway. and id never be enogh of a dumb bitch to be mad at him.

so the rest of the day went by and that was that.

im really really hoping hell write me something on myspace or facebook to discuss it a bit. way better yet would be if he asked me to meet him somewhere and actaully talk about it.

but im more than certain none of the above will happen

which is horrible because that sets me up for making an ass of myself and bringing it upwith him when he mostl likely just wants to forget it and not speak of it ever again.

and i dont, ever, want to be a pathetic person still hung up on someone who rejected them. its one thing to still be hung up on them ( i mean you cant really help it) but you should at least have the dignity to not bring it up wtih them again and make them more clearly reject you.

but of course, the down fall of all naive people.

maybe it wasnt as clear of a rejection as i thought?

it would be nice to ask someone, but who the fuck would i ask? and two id be embarassed to tell anyone the story anyway.

ahh

such is the life of an elf