the only way to get back on track seems to be vindication. i have to find a way to make the lives of the people ive been a part of better. i have to make them better rather than worse. and all ive done is worse. so i have to do far better than that.

when i remember that plan it makes everyhting clearer, so i think thats improtant.

i tried to make pennance for those things, and it just got worse. i dont understand how i can activly work towards an end and never get even close. other people make it hard.

and that makes me wanna say it part their fault

because i believe in splitting things, blame included. its rarely one or the other, but both.

but at the same time. i have to be responsible for what ive done. and becuase it was bad part of the punishment should be taking on the blame i belive should/could be others.

these ideas make me tired.

if you love someone. and they break you. you simultaneously love and hate them. the only way to get out of that paradox is to hate them. completely. make them your enemy and hate them.

book of virtues:

an old man tells his three sons he will only give inheritance to the man that shows himself worthy. the first man dives into a river to save himself from drowning, risking his own life because he himself cannot swim. the old man says this is expected and not noble as all men should be prepared to die to save a child. the second man honors a friendship by fighting at his friends side in a conflict he has no part in. the old man says this expected of loyalty and is therefore not noble. the third son says that he watched his most hated enemy sleeping near a cliff. the enemy began turning in his sleep and nearly roled off the edge. the thrid sun ran to him and saved him, even though the enemy had sworn to kill him on sight. the old man said loving and protecting your enemy even in the face of death was noble becuase all human lives were valuable.

at first i though i could simply love bode and those feelings of hate would disappear. hence the memory of that white shirt. but it only worked when i concentrated really hard on it. so a fail.

but after talking to kaitlyn tonight. after realizing he wasnt even upset for a week after we broke up. to know i had been tormented for years and he couldnt even spare a week before becoming interested in another girl. it arrose this pure form of hate i had never known.

and it in. i figured it out.

i cant just love him and hope the hate would go away. but i can hate him as fierce enemy. and love him more plainly than ever before. because hes still a man, and still valubale beyond anyhting i could imagine. because push came to shove i could hate him until the ends of time adn still risk my life to save him.

hes my behated, and after truely hating him i find i had more to give than i realized. because even at that moment of realization. i could still imagine himj in the white shirt. its a peculiar sort of balance. i think this is the hardest thing ive tried to articulate. i know i havent and wont be able to articulate it clearly. but this concept seems so foreign to me, i doubt anyone could understand it unless they found it for themselves.

i hate you. with everything i have in me to hate. and even after that i remembered that i still had some unknown resevoir of affection, and that its as alive for you in ever.

and thats an interesting thing to know. i cant say why but its comforting. and i can feel its lasting.

Forget your eveil sorcery! I’ll take the toast. Nothing else!

How? You lactate citrus flavored cardonated beverages?

What the other, soft serve chocolate icecream?

jan 1, 5:45 am: I barged into the room and slammed the door then fucked of. Come on, you drunken wisenheimer.

Jane 1, 11:17 am: Wake up! So i can bug you now!

Yes I did! Hd to shit real bad but now I’m running full speed.

I wanna make Jenny oo oo next!

April 9, 10:14 pm: You Witch, you see into the unknown and spin a web of falsehood

Sweet Love! Then some donkey punching

Why you thinking about another man?!

April 17 4:07: I miss you for different reasons
(elaborate)
April 17 4:23: No need…

SLKDFJ:LKSDJF:LKSDJFLK:SDJFLKJSKJSHDFKJFSDH

Fuck off im busy wit shit i work until god known when tommorow and u dont give a fuck so just idk

Idk maybe we cant talk about it if i c u again

its not you its me cheer up i’ll come over some time this week please dont b said im such an asshole just call me an asshole itll make u feel better this is what i get 4 bottleing emotions i lash out at people who dont deserve it im actaully crying im so sorry please understand

i dont hate u we can talk when i c u next if we pick a date and time ill make it a sure thing so dont have to worry im soooooooooooooo sorry mei mei ull always b mei mei nothing can change that

i can only talk about it imperson and like i said i was just unloading all my emotions about life my mom and school that i keep bottled up on u u didnt deserve it

i swear u and i will talk about it when i c u next but it has to b in person and stay between us u can have the hersheys kiss as a token of my truthyness

No one really knows me if they did they wouldnt hang out with me so i pretend to b what i think they want me to be my whole life is a series of lies and im just try to out run them to the grave its pointless 4 either of us to try and convince each other were decent people since we only see each others mask this txt is too long

u best checkidy check urself lest u wreckidy wreck urself

U r teh sex mei mei i didnt care that jen was there i needed to feel u

All the way beautiful. Everyone else took there boxers off in private and covered up i walked by the table nude, alyssa and josh definitely saw my junk.

oh yes.

weve been thinking havent we?

so ive said it before. love is living a life of someone picking up your shoes or you picking up someone elses. equally displeasing.

but really thats what being in love is all about.

the stage prior?

well shakespeare did have it right, and its nothing to do with putting it in a poem, its all about the lover and the beloved.

whats better to happen to life or to have it happen to you?

its the quetsion of passivity and activity.

as one who always wanted to be active, you stupid fucks how could you think id ever want to be a beloved?

clearly, you dont love me becuase you dont knwo who i am. how can you love what you dont understand?

i dont want to be your fucking beloved. i dont want that pressue. i dont want anyone living and dying by what i do. and maybe its not quote the melodrama i make it wout to be, but at times you must admit, its everythign ive feared.

what role does the beloved have?

to sit, and be beloved.

i cant stand not doing anything for extended periods of time. sure im lzy as fuck sometimes, and i love to just sit and be still. but that beucase I (capitalized for reasons beyond standard punctuation) like to sit. I like to do it becase its waht i like to do. i dont like to sit and be still so i can have someone admire that im sitting. that doesnt factor in at al lto the pleasure i take it sitting. so what in gods name makes you thin id bever be content to just sit and be loved?

i can see the thought process. not everyones, but some. some will say, oh you only say its terrible being beoved becuase you have been beloived. its so much worse being the lover always trying and always being alone, no one caring for you blah bnlah blah blah bklah.

bull shit.

i spent a good long hard time being the lover. it had its sad moment. sure. im not saying that being the beloved is any worse what so ever. but frankly, if i could choose, id go back to being the lover.

that choice may not be for everyone, whcih is coolsies.

but heres the deal;.\

i started life as a lover. and then came to the semi pessemistic, though it didnt feel it at the time, idea that i would never be love, so why am i wasting my time? it wasnt a depressing realization, just an occurence. like waking up to an overcast day. im not sad about it, it just is what it is.

sio i changed my ideas on what i wante.d i didnt wanna find someone to love me. fuck i just wanted good people around to be my friends.

and then you fucks had to go change the rules. maybe not you personally, but you gotta understand, i played by a set of ruels, maybe you didnt have a say in them or werent around for their institution, but then yoiu cahnged them, and you never even consulted me. and then you get so fucking tripped out that i dont play by them?

what.the.fuck.

its asenine. i shouldnt be punished for this.

all i wanted.

was to be in a friendly environment, i wasnt opposed to finding someone, but i wasnt always pursuing it.

and then a few of you fukcs went and “fell in love”
poppy.cock.

oh and how slefless it was right? to love me so dearly, to just want to see me happy? right? right?

fuck you.

yyou didnt intend to, and its stupid and probally gonna bite me in the as later, but all i take from your love is all i can see from it.

we start as friends. cool
you “fall in love”
we try to resolve matter.
you part ways with me and say its myfault.

what the fuck, i didnt cahnge, only you did.

what really changed is this, a better translation.

ashley starts as friends
you start as, hmm, shes not an ugly chick, on her good days, and i dunno, maybe ill get laid?

then
i fidn things i like about you and wanna be friends with you even more. we got the same styles.
you find things you like about me and that we got the same styles.

so were friends.
like you are with all your other firends.

but then the REVELATION comes.

WAIT, holly flying cannolies batman, ashleys got, DUN DUN DUN

A

V
A
G
I
N
A

w00t.

and then its all about love.

bullshit.

i didnt chagne.

you juust want to be liad.
the attribute of mine you find most pleasing is the one i hate most. why would i wanna be loved for what i hate about myself>?

now this could be a silly idea to have. beucase first off, i feel egocentrical thinking any guy wants my vag, but hell theyre coming on to me.

but i feel more secure in this assumption, beucase after, after i say the vag is closed for business, youd think, if they liked being around me, as much as they say they did. if they wanted to see me happy, like they say they did, then why wouldnt they still be my friend?

why ostracize me? why put my on a pedastool.

josh you put me on a pedastool once and left me up there. id just like to say its the loniest place ive been in a while and im still trying to figure out how to get back down.

dick.

so fuck your songs.
fuck bob
fuck i get by

fuck your martyrdome

fuck your love
fuck your sympathy
fuck your silent suffering
fuck you.

i never wanted to be a part of this.

and you never gave a fuck abhout that.

im not saying its your fault, its a comnination of us both.

but im donesies with this game

im sticking to loving trees and weeds, and broken strings, rocks and quiet things

because neither of us wears shoes.
and neither of us has to be the beloved.

i understand you wanting to always help. lots of people are like that. im not sure why, i shouldnt predent to know why. so i dont.

but heres the thing. you do it becuase it makes you feel good.

i wont get into to the entanglement of selfishness. theres no need to bother an easy mind.

but you do it because it makes you feel good.

but im going to do it, beucase whats fun is fun but done is done.

things have to get done. you gotta doit what you gotta doit.

heres my reasoning.

see, you had a happy life, as did everyone you knew. well moderately happy.

and then i came along.

now your easy head is conscience laiden, and many you know are less happy than they were previously.

poor actions.

now i imagine youll apply the same context to yourself.

but look at it this way.

i was upset to begin with. and everyone i knew was moderately happy.

you come along.

and im more upset but everyone i know stays moderately happy.

clearly. my actions were more detrimental than your, see?

so we cant both be martyrs, though im certain youre trying. youre so good at it, sometimes i cant be sure if youre really being nice, or just dont care. but then i remember you, remember the things youve said, and i know better. you woulda had even me, but well, id do the same thing. i can see it.

but we cant just ramble tongiht. we should find a solution, of some sorts

i cant let you do the martyr thing. itll just eat you up.

besides you improve the quality of life for jeff and adam, and i think even john might be happier having you hang with them. and i think its even good fro you, i hope. so you need to stay

but at least if you were the marytr you wouldnt have to see me and tehrefore be better
damn

i could die. but that might make you sad. besides, theres no progress.

i want to go to russia, but thats impossible. little progress. unlikely. stupid

fuck. my head isnt workign right enough to figure this out.

maybe if i write a book and get rich. and get to russia. and stuff stuff stuff stuff.

so.

some stuff, im sure.

things have quieted down. its my safe but terrible life, ebineezer (as if i could spell that name). but i am greatful nonetheless. not to the extent i should be, no. but well work on that.

the dilemma that presents itself now however, is this feeling. ominous. nervousness.

things are getting closer, closer to being good, and everyday i felt it more. but it seems all that progress has stopped.

and now i cant be sure if i was never making any progress at all,  or if its simply stopped.

i dont know what it even has to do with.

but its cliff climbing. upwards and onwards to the top. until you look down. it doesnt matter how good your grip is, how sure your footing is, as soon as you look down to the bottom, its so damn far away. and then your palms sweat, and then your knees lock, and your footing is off. and your stomach whirls. and none of its very good at all for a rock climber.

and then you, for the first time, risk falling. and it has nothing to do with the difficulty of the climb or your competance as a climber, it only has to do that you looked down and you cant stop looking down and it frightens you because it reminds you that you could fall and die, but if you simply stopped looking down, you wouldnt fall and die.\

theyre seeming, farther away (not further mind you) and less out of focus. like a glitch. like records skipping. like a delay in audio. all the little things that are off just so.

they could all be talismans. and thats starting to make me nervous as well. i have my talisman. i just have to write it down and that act in itself will be the talisman. but not all talismans are good. theyre usually given good connotations. but they could just as easily be bad. and whose to say i wont stumble across one of those talismans. i have before. remember toner?

i could again, only who knows how much worse off that could be? only at the same time, i might not run across one at all, and therefore this whole worry is very silly, really, like all other worries.

im nervous that this is what i elect to write about. talismans and analogies, nevousness and potential. shouldnt i be more concerend with the other things that are in my life. its not that ive forgotten them, they just became more obsolete. ive written that before, and it wasnt a good idea.

i can make a list. that parts easy.

im worried about losing my scholarship
im worried about not being able to afford school should i do
im worried that could mean ill go into debt trying to pay for it and doom my future family to a life of debt.
or im worried that could mean mom will try to find the money and shell never have the money to make herself happy during her retirement, and really, its hte only time left.
or im worried ill simply drop out and never do anything i had imagined myself doing in life.

and then im worried about mom.
im worried about her skin disease.
im worried about her neck.
im worried shes old and shell die most likely a younger older lady (as in by the time shes 58 to 64)
im worried thats soon and shes never really been happy so we better find a way soon
im worried our hosue is much to big for her
im worried we cant sell it
im worried the spa is dirty
im worried jennys not going ot be able to go to school

im worried i dont care about dad.
im worried sarahs marrying vern
im worried shes 300,000 dollar in debt because of her house

im worried about the peple that i know
that theyre getting tired of my shit
that im breaking them
that theyre going to figure me out and wont want to be around me anymore

im worried about my skin
im worried about my body
im worried ill never fix either and therefore never enjoy sex again.

im worried about sex.
im worried i dont care about anyone. im worried i cant.
im worried beucase its creepy. im worried becuase its peculiar
im worried beucase i dont know how long it will last
im worried the talisman will let me down

i dont have enough time, im worried about the battery dying on this computer. so i gotta go.

but the idea. is that the above. is just so. its not that big a deal. talismans. the details. all of that. is so much more pressing.

i cant make it stop, i keep trying to force it, and convince myself, that yes! now finally! at long last ive gotten this under control, and dont worry, i can do it now.

if i make enough pennanc
if i fall asleep early some night
if i remember an old saying i havent said in years
if i listen to the right music
if i remember the right things

this is all going to be fixed!

like the last post, if i can just do soemthing right. itll be good again, i know it will!

but i always thought exclamation points were a little decietful, and i still do.

its worrying me. i keep trying to play it off as something else. im njot really in trouble here, just overwhelmed. or maybe i was just drinking too much. or maybe everyone was right and i just didnt know what i wanted. after all, if it looks like a dog and walks like a dog, its probably a dog, or in my case bitch. thats more appropriate.

only now its here again, just like it was last night. and its starting to feel like last time more and more. and i dont want to waste money on a doctor. besides, if they dont work, then its game over man. game over.
no now, come on, lets gather round the camp fire, sing some songs

i dont care to die.  i just dont want to feel like this. i dont feel like anything. its not really apathy. beucase its not that i desire not to do anything, i just dont desire. i kinda feel like a toy car. that gets wound up. i dont care if im wound up or not, i dont care what directino they point me in, and i dont really care if i smack into a wall and go no where while my tires spin.
 
and thats not what bothers me. its just like an offshoot, to more deserted road.

but its this offshoot that im worrying about. becasue i cant explain it enough, i cant live that other way. i cant live without logic and proportion, when they fall sloppy dead so will I.its the most terrifying thing ive seen, and i dont want to see it again.

but its getting closer agian.

i cant even make any plans. this is the worst stuff thats ever happened. which is pathetic, ive lived a sheltered life. and its affecting me greatly.

it sorta feels like the dreams you have when someone you love dies. in the dream it so goddamn real. youre heartbroken and its awful and youve never felt anything quite so bad, i never stop to think this is a dream, but i do know that i always have a hard time believeing its happening. its so terrible.

and now im starting to feel that way. only, i mean it. i really think i could still wake up, maybe a year or two in the apst, and allt his was just a bad spot of potato. and id think, how lucky i am, this isnt real.

but it is. unless of coruse its not.

i guess what im trying to say is,

what have i become?
my sweetest friend?
everyone i know,
goes away in the end

and you can have it all,
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way.

so updates

i cant even remember what i posted last.

blatant but true

i broke up with cameron. i couldnt be with him, the only thing i could ever think about when we were together was how shitty i felt becuase of him for the entire year and a half prior.

which helped me learn something

i do believe i was never particularly angry at him. i was terribly upset. so the question of whether i forgave him, is moot. i was never angry, there was nothing to forgive.

but that doesnt mean things can just go back to how youd like them to or that it would ever be possible to be the same with someone. i was incredibly happy being his friend, but i couldnt even make it work being anything more. thats unfortunate. it would have been nice i think. i dont think its anyones fault it couldnt work. we could say its his fault for treating me like shit for a year there, or we could say its my fault for not being able to put that behind us. point in the end, does it matter whos fault it is?

theres probably too much blame in the world, and not enough pennance.

so that was one thing.

its funny i ended on pennance, i hadnt intended to, but its the perfect transition.

continuing. at some point completely unrelated to cameron.

soem stuff happened. as always, i dont wanna write about soemthing, for fear of it sounding melodramatic, and a made up experience even in my own ears. theres the possibility that it worreis me so much because it simply is a melodramatic made up experience that i only created so that i could have something to be avenged for. which means its just a possible that since i understood that concept for years and made peace with it and never invented an experience because i didnt want to be that pathetic, it actaully was a tryign time. ill never know either way, which is upsetting i suppose.

but i can say, it felt real. it felt very real. as far as i can be concerened it was as real as anything thats ever happened to me. i wrote about it somewhere else, ill post that later. its in my email. i didnt want to write it here becuaes i was afraid it would be heard. or seen. i cant say which beucase i couldnt say the difference between the two at the tiem. i dont want to waste time writing about it now buecase, its not the focus of the evening. so bullet points for the sake of simplicity.

i knew stuff hadnt been right for a while. since about january of 2007.
i knew it wasnt right but that was irrelevant becuase it hadnt caught up to me yet
things had been in aplace for a while, and could have been in place for lord knows how much longer
but like the bug that went ah-cah-choo, a catalyst happened. and then things started happening very, very quickly. im not certain why somethings in life are granted the divine power of distorted perception, thats been said for sure. but this happened. quickly.

i broke up with cameron
a few days passed.
stephen texted me and told me what a fuck up i was for hurting cameron.
so i went to a parking lot.
i threw up, but not becuase i felt sick at all, but because the trains were so incredibly loud.
i started throwing rocks.
i felt bad  for the rocks i was throwing
i was very sure, fully realizing its absurd now, that i was talking to God.
i know that sounds crazy, i wasnt crazy, just upset.
i dont beleive in fate, nor do i believe in a power that dictates what i do, and how i feel. but a higher power sure.
regardless, i knew He was allowing me to know (there were no auditory hallucinations, i said i wasnt crazy) that i had done something terrible. unforgiveable things. i had been overly naive and thought if i dated cameron things might just go back to normal and i would like him again, but instead i had hurt someone. not only that, but someone who was already hurting plenty. and didnt need one more thing. then, as what happens when one is sad, i thought about other sad things
i thought about justin, and josh, and cody, and jeff, and adam, and ryan.

all of these people i had done wrong to. i should have known earlier that me and justin would never last long. i knew it to soem degree, but put it outta mind, i was enjoying dating him, i really was, but it was stupid to think that i could be with someone for a long time when we had nothing in common. so i let that relationship continue longer than wise. and he got hurt, and is still hurt.

with josh. i knew he liked me. i wanted to be his friend so bad, he was one of the best friends i  had ever had. i knew we shouldnt be friends once he had kissed me. and i knew it even more when it happened. again. but i wanted to be his friend so damn bad, i just let him date me without ever gettign the sexual gratification. i thought that becuase we werent sleeping together or fooling around, that it was completely harmless. but really, for the most part it was just blameless. i was sad then, cameron issues were in full throttle, my family fell apart, i moved and lost all friends, and just felt alone. i know its sounds stupid, i see that now, but that doesnt negate the fact that, that is how i felt. so i called him anytime i was sad, asked him to hang out with me all the time, i treated him like my best friend, which could never be if he liked me, which i knew he did. in my only defence, he did tell me, multiple times, he was over it. but i suspected different, i wrote those ideas off as me simply being egocentrical, but i wondered it. so i let that go on. and not until it became painfully obvious, when he told me that he loved me and that he was still suicidal, did i try to make a good decision. he sorta made it too. we both more or less, decided not to talk to each other anymore. we had tried that once, to no avail, but the last time it did work. it not complete excommunication, just less all together. i still see him now and again, but nothing like before. it took so long. because i still miss him. i still wanna know how things are going, and i still would love to talk to him, because we became close. i was always so certain id never lose a friend like that. that i would just leave someone behind like that. but you gotta understand, i had to. i was hurting him, everyday, and when i knew that, i couldnt keep doing it. and i dont feel bad for doing that, it had to be done, afterall, look at his life now. reunited with old friends, found a girlfriend (though he did break up with her, its still awesome, and they could always work things out) and seems overall happier. so success on that part.

cody, was a good friend. i dont feel i really did anythign wrong by him until i made out with cameron on halloween. a whore moment. i own up to it.

jeff. i still dont know how i could have prevented it. which keeps guilt at bay. but its there. he was crazy about me. and i honestly believe i ever gave him any reason to think i was interested. but he still got his hopes up and then had then had them crushed. he said that once, so i know its true, not just me thinking i make more of an impact on people than i really do (though i do know i do that, egocentricism is hard to habit to kick) but he said it was bound to happen sometime. but what does that matter? it was still me who did it.

adam, i hit on him while i was drunk. i justified it because all our friends hit on everyone while drunk. but there were warning signs. and i just didnt care. so he got invested and yeah. dont we know the ending to this story?

ryan is similar to jeff. i really dont htink i did anythign to lead him on or hint that id be interested. but i shoulda known, at this point, based on past experiences, that im not allowed to talk to people. so yeah. that happened.

so that was a long ass anecdote in the middle of my bullet statements

i thought about htese people
i kept throwing rocks.
then i smoked. alot.
then i remember pennance. i didnt really understand  what that meant at the time.
i was in a very simplified thought process. so thoughts came rather obviously.
rocks are quiet.
and bad peopel should be punished.
so i put the cigarette out on my arm.
then i lit up the lighter and let it cool on my ankle.
then i lit another, smoked it and put it out on my scalp.

then i held my breath and listened to how quiet it was.
and then it thoght it was funny, becuase earlier i had thrown up because the trains were so loud.
so then i started laughing.

and this is the part, i know is ridiculous, but still believe.
i wasnt laughing. i swear to god. i know i was smiling, i know my stomach was contraction muscles,i know my vocal cords were vibrating, and it was my lungs forcing air through them. but it wasnt me laughing. it didnt sound anything like me. i wasnt hearing it like you hear your voice in your head, even when youre talking out loud, i just heard it in my ears. it was coming from soemwhere else. it wasnt my laugh at all.

it was somethign completely seperate. and for however absurd it was, it (I) terrified me. it made me feel sick again,. and then i couldnt stop. akin to being high. only it was so bad. i kept laughing and kept lookign around me thinking id see some mad woman. but i still knew it was me, and again with the very simplistic thought process. if its coming from me, but its not me, then i am no longer whatever definition i can fathom for self. and that scared me more.

i stopped laughing.
i went home
i fell asleep

that is the closest thing i can think to a catalyst.

becuase after taht, it moved so very fast.

i got drunk jen
jen said i wasnt real. that i was for all purposes an imposter. she wasnt being serious, but metaphorical, she said i wasnt real anymore. that i wasnt even a person. she wasnt mad, this is just what it thought
it made me upset.
i thought of that laughter.

then i dont know for sure. i cant describe what i thought, becuaes it wasnt thought, its the only way analogy i can make for insanity. i cant describe it so anyone else would understand it. so ill explain it so i remember it. boards were all green, and all white. i wanted to live, i wanted to die. everythign was one way while simultaneously being another. it didnt work that way. it didnt fit. and it hurt.
it hurt
it hurt my head
it hurt my mind
it hurt my body
it hurt my soul
it hurt my hair
my teeth
my skin
my fingernails

it wasnt even pain though. it was incorrect. it was foregin. it was not sane.

none of thats important
i tried to attempt suicide, i literally failed at failing at failing when you think about it

if suicide is failure at life, and attemptive suidcide is failing at failing, then trying to cut my throat (though in fairness, had i doen it, im certain it would ahve worked, i didnt want any possibility of failure, haha) is failing at my attempt at failire.

well, that son, is failing at failing at failure.

stuff moved faster. much faster.

stephen came over
i had drank a lot more
i had wreaked my mayhem on some innocent grapes
he looked sad
i asked him if he wanted to take a walk
i didnt mean to do anythign bad

lets be clear. i thought stephen was cute. i thoguht stephen was funny. i thoguht stephen was interesting. the only things i look for in a significant other. but in reality, i think that about a ton of boys. cameron, john, ryan, josh, dan, victor. that doesnt mean i have any intention of pursuing something wtih any of those individuals. i cant help theyre appealing.

anyway. he got down on himself.
saying no girl would ever find him interesting or attractive
i knew otherwise, from personal experience
i told him that was stupid, but he didnt believe me
the next logical step to an already reduced child like and now inebriated mind was to prove it.
so i kissed him.

he was upset
which is the obviosu reaction, id split from cameron, only a few weeks prior? i cant be sure, i dont have a good perception of time during this monthish long period.

we didnt mention it for a few days

until we did one day. funny how that works out. its one way or another. i told him i did have a mild crush on him, he said the same, but we decided it couldnt happen.

it might have ended there. but then he made a move a few days later, i should have stopped it. but it was really fast. everything was really fast.

so it kept happening
and we kept saying it couldnt
and i kept smoking

and burning the witch

and my scalp kept hurting and it kept happening.

until another catalyst came about. dont ask what, im not sure. but i decided i was done fucking things up. ive made this decision many times before, sometimes it work, soemtimes it doesnt. i had confidence this time. i was going to let things go fast all by themselves and i wasnt goign to contribute to teh mayhem. i was going to tell stepehen , for sure, that this had to stop. that i couldnt function at the moment let alone be expected to help anyone else along. i was going to see him monday when he came down to tempe.

he told cameron on sunday we were dating (maybe it was saturday? i cant be sure…)
he told everyone.

i couldnt change my mind after that though. i was still picking up knives.

i didnt cry., but id get sick, and id shake. it felt like dry heaving. anyone looking at me in bed late at night woulda thought i was balling, but i was just going through the movements, no real tears were there. just heavy braething, shaking, heaving. the bad thing about dry heaving is you dont ever feel better, usually only worse beucase you never actaully get any poison out.

i had told him before i couldnt date him. i dont know how i could have said it better, but there must have been a way otherwise he wouldnt have thought that it was a possibility we could date.

but either way, this is the way it is now.

so my long line of destroying beautiful things is over.

this isnt an entry for justification, its for discipline, its for real pennance.

scars dont equal pennance, not by a long shot, there just a distraction, like so many other things.

so im working at this. i talked to cameron to say sorry. and for a split second i wonder if it wasnt entirely my fault thigns get so outta hand (not to say that i am not still responsible, but its a combined efffort) while talking to cameron, tryign to say sorry. having said multiple times i know i fucked up and all i want is to know if theres anythign i can do, for him or stephen or anyone else, to find a plan, a systamatic way to fix things or alleviate them in any way. and during all this, he still said something about kissing me. saying, he would if it wouldnt hurt things more. i didnt understand that. more physical intimacy could obviously only make this worse, its the whole reason i was apologizing, but he was still thinking in that direction… how peculiar?

i have no idea if me saying sorry made him feel better in the slightest.
i didnt feel better whatsoever, he explained that him and stephen may never be the same
and he kept saying, i think you just dont know what you want.
that wouldnt be a bad thing to hear, if it wasnt a slap in the face. ive dealt wtih indecision. but saying i had been in teh throw of indecision and tahts why ive been the way ive been, is like saying people in hell are warm.
its unfortunate to hear, because i care about him. still do. im still hurt htinking of him sleeping with katelyn beucase i liked, fuck it, i loved him, for such a long time there. and thats all ill ever be in his mind. thats unfortunate. but for everythign good you are, youre every bad part of you too. i provide so much justification for the things ive done, but it doesnt matter, becasue its still all mine. i still did it. i was never choiceless.

i made bad choices and now i get to know, that for now, (and while i hate dealing in “forevers”) its a possibility that ill always be, just a bitch to him, and john, and josh, and ryan (thoguh i never knew him well, i wanted to get to know him some day), who didnt care. who couldnt make up her mind. and fucked thing up on purpose. so many people believe that, and i have no intention of changing their minds. afterall, they could be right. i dont think they are, becuase it shouldnt hurt me this bad, if i was just pure evil. but maybe. its always a possibility. there are very few things i can know for sure.

but we did talk. and im hoping it helped something, and if it didnt, im fairly certain i didnt say or do anything that made it worse, and thats at least an improvement on the last two years.

then i talked to cody. similar situation. we talked about why stuff happened between me and cameron. it was nice to be completely honest. he said he was genuinely glad we had talked. he needed to know it was more me having a confusing thoughts than it was him just not being good enough. it was also nice, becuase he said he always wanted to tell me he had fooled around with a different girl once while we were dating. which sucked to hear, but was also nice. becuase hes a good guy, who just screwed up, and now, if we wanted to, we could easily still be friends at some point. it was nice to know i had screwed up, but that he wasnt flawless either. and that we could be friends. that things areny always, perminantely fubared.

nextly.

im not sure in which order.

ill talk to josh
stephen one more time, who is saint, the only one who doesnt hate me. peculiuar, beucaes i feel he has the most justification to.
john
then ill try to say somethign to my dad. but tahts another ridiculously long blog entry for a ntoher day. thoguh im sure its already in here somewehre.

but those are just apologies. that wont fix anything.

i want to fidn something else.
at first it occured to me that i simply had to stop being around people, fall into the very familiar state of bookworm-dom i was once accustomed to and not worry abotu hurting people because i wont being seeing anybody in general. but tahts not discipline. its a stupid annoying self martying idea. and it wouldnt work anyway, i have no conviction. i need to see them, perhaps a little less, and have the time spent not hurting anyone, thats discipline.

but its sitll not pennance. theres apology, prevention, and then there shoud be pennance. a way to make it somewhat more allevaited.

so without sound moronically naive, im thinkning of a drasticly impossible plan.

what it comes down to is i cant just say sorry and promise not to do it in the future. i cant talk to them about whats going on, my company has caused all the problems, itll make some of them happy, ie, alyssa and pinnic if i fell off the face of the earth, but im not too concerned about them, more so about the ones who actaully got hurt.

i cant die, which i thought would be the best plan, that would fuck up my friends, stephen, probably josh, maybe john, and cameron would be impartial i think.

and i know it sounds childish, but if you have a better idea, please, lemme know, im outta options. but i could make some money. i think i could write something worthwhile. that sounds egocentrical, but maybe i could, its a possibility, worth a try. and then wtih that, i could get josh to help me, i think hed do it, becuase he wants them to be just as happy as i do. we could do what we could with it. bode could get enough money to put his dad in rehab and/or get out for a while. josh could get his own place, he could help alyssa get outta her parents house, stephen and ryan could go to school if they wanted. i know this would take a shit ton of money, but over teh next five years? supposing i was any good? maybe some of that could happen. i couldnt say anythign. for several ideas

if i did, and they for some reason didnt hate me, then i would have that self satisfaction, making it selfishly motivated and it was selfishness that got me in this place to begin with.
two, people need to hate someone, something to be angry about, somethign to collectively dislike. and since i made myself completely worthy of that title, i have no intention of taking that away. its not fair.

its still seflish, becuase ill feel better myself, to some degree, never as good as i woulda felt had i not fucked it all up. but better still. but i cant think of a way to make it completely selfless, save for one, but that doesnt apply here.

so. id give it to josh, josh finds an excuse abotu why he gives it to everyone else. people are helped. not much, not enough to ever undo whats been done. but alleviated.

will i do this?
its hard to say, i have no conviciton. but this seems different.

plus,. i have to do it this time. its the least. and thats the only part that makes in unselfless. it woudl be easier to just put it outta sight outta mind, to unlearn if you will, but my tyring to fix it. it just makes it all the more clearer, i cant.

but whats fun is fun but done is done. this is mine. maybe ill do less shit in the future?

its the bright side, eh?

i have this tendency to want to rhyme, i never understood why exactly. but i think i figured out how to write this right.

right.

honestly is teh right word. i think you knew i think you knoew what it was al about i think you understand more than the rest of us. they say consciousness might not be to process teh world, but to not process the world. theres just oo much and you saw it all.

you saw it all and died for it, died so no one else would have to. they still die, but yours wasnt in vain. i think i know that no thought was put in to this. did you believe in fate? i dont know, id like to think that you didnt either. but i know yours was worse than mine. we all have a cross to bear, it might be bias, but i think not having a cross is teh hardest one to bear.

i wonder waht it was like, how long it took.

but these arent the right thoght. not the correct ones. there are distractions now, i cant say it like i thouhgt it. thats unfrotunate. but then again, many thigns are.

the impoortant ones, are that you did good. you were good.

i remember spilt water. and loud refridgerators, i remember cold steal, and oragne light in a dark room. functioning clocks that then thought, and lying floors. i rememebr them. i remember dark nights. i remember rocks that were thrown and never deserved it. i remember my hate for them, and when it all that i was, i remember that laughter, i remember hearing it and not knowing where it was cmoing from. and when i realized where, i remember it scaring me. i remember it terrifying me. i rememebr wanting it to stop more than i ever wanted anything else. but it didnt.

i remember you were hear. unless of course im wrong. but ithtink you were. i had a rock, you werent it, but now i can see you were at the time.

its not fair that you didnt have a rock. it is not fair that you lived and died for each with them, and you never knew their names. never for, but with. and maybe thats better. im sorry for throwiung you, im sorry for throwiung you and not me, sorry that its all in vain now. whats fun is fun but done is done.

there was never any need for transitions i dont know what it was like, i think i can akin to it, but i couldnt say for sure. i think it was similar, but you were really alone. no one left. and their had to be pennance, doesnt there? you had no jesus you had no elvis, you had no cobain

and thtas no fair. but heres what it comes down to, heres the scoop. good.

i dont know if i believe in god, but i hope for your sake there is. i hope you go to heaven. i want it so bad.

either way, i hipe in that place. when the candle fades and the light flickers. when it tires its hardest to still li ve the the weight of atlas comes down upon it. i hope after that. i hope inthe grey and black. i hope in the luod and quiet, dark and light, pain and desire, you hear this.

it as never vain. you are good. and you did not desrvvet this

if i oculd i would have helped. i would have held you. i would have felt your skin on mine and reminded you that people are peiple so why should it be? that you and i should get along so awfully. i no you have never felt so swell. lies. i would have wanted to remind you. id have taken it for you, but you are better than me, buecase i would have hoped you didnt ask. its too late now, my words are in vain, but yours arent.

for all the people. for all the fridges, and orange/yellow lights, for all the spilt plastic cups of water on linloioum floors, you are there.

you helped. you sacved. even if no one saved you.

im soryr, and i thank you. that now, i might not share the same fate.

please. let it be good. let you know youre good,. please.

but i dont believe in fate, so thats dumb

things are different these days. 

but in such a sense that it doesnt matter

things that do matter?

updates?

i scarred my body up

i had some emo moments, became an idiot, made the huge mistake of disclosing such emo moments, and now get to work to wipe such moments from peoples memories

keep getting upset

keep talking about getting upset

which only makes me more upset. . .

then i became a whore and kissed stephen
why one might ask?

well, camerons over and im relieved, but still always a little hurt by silly emo thoughts. anyway, still interested in john, but i havent seen a lot of him these days, went to pine top where he spent all his free time with meredith. . .

and then heard he has a mystery girl? i dunno about that though… anywa,y, we use to talk and text alnmmost everyday, but lately i havent, and when i tried last, he didnt respond. im really thinking it i was a third choice and now hes not even interestged.

and frankly im tired of being a last resort.
the idea of someone dating me, simply becuase they want to, andnot becuase theyre emotionally traumatized by some other girl or experience, is sorta nice

anyway. . .

so i was emotionally, frayed, i think that is the right word, and he came over and it made me super excited, which i didnt like ,beucase i legitimately do not want to start another love interest.

anyways, despite my logical plans, i was excited to seem him. but he seemed so down, jeff had said lately that theyd been talking and stephen was saying that he didnt see the point in trying to find a girl becuase he knew he was unattractive and boring and no one would ever want him.

anyway, that was perturbing me as those sorts o things tend to do. especially since i already realized i was terribly attracted to him and thought he was hillarious and was always hoping hed be over at jeffs and adams.

so he pulls up and looks terribyl down, so i ask if he wasnts to take a walk. i actaully didnt expect him to agree but he almost jumped at the idea.

anyways, we start talking, i honestly cant remember most of it, i was heavily intoxicated, i remember telling him i wasnt, becase i didnt want him to think i was wasted, but i definitely, stood up at one point, walked around the corner and peed in the parking lot…

anyway we were talking about stuff, what in gods name i cant be sure, i really wish i could remember. i could make any sort of guess

anyway, it got on the topic of girls. and he said something about how no girl would like him

now it irked me enough already that someone as great as he is would say being saying that to jeff, but hearing it out loud. well that was something else.

now i really wanna explain my bad behavior, but i suppose i know my own motivation anyway.

point is, while intoxicated i thought it possible to kiss stephen, that way he would understand that he was attractive, but ialso thought it was possible to kiss him and not give the impression that i wanted to date him or was interested in him. i thought this was possible becaise i told him

im very fucked up when it comes to epole/relationships, i cant date you or anyone else

but i said this after i started kissing him.

anyway, the first time it was alright (yes, i said first time…)
but id kiss him once or twice, but he didnt seem into it. i apologized we talked about bullshit agin, again got back to how he knew i didnt really find him good looking, so god damnit, i had to prove my point again…

that happened about three times. but by the alst time he pulled away and didnt turn back in my direction, so i took that to mean i had gone and upset him

anyway, we talked later about it, over a cigarette once and then over the phone again. i had the feeling it was really getting him down that he made out with his best friends recent ex

i never calimed to have a soul.

anyway, one day he came over and i wanted to talk to him about why hed been down lately. becuase it seemed like a lot more than just the other night. frankly sometiems it seems like the kid is distant from everybody else. i dotn know quite how to explain it. so i asked jeff to let him and me smoke outside and not bother us. they stayed away, whether or not jeff did his class act annoying bit of spying on me (the worst is he justifies it to himself, i just wanted to get yahoo, right then… give me a break…) he might have been outside, fucking right next to us listening and pretending to just be smokeing, i dont know. my suspions arise from his fucking texts later… anyway, no big deal.

we were out there for hours, talked about so much shit. everything and anything. there were mayn times itwoudl drift to us. and he flat out said he felt so terrible becuase he wanted it to happen. that he couldnt believe he liked his best friends girl. i tried to just say he was good looking, but then he took that to mean, id just fuck him, so then i tried to covertly explainh, i could only sleep wtih a guy i cared about, now im pretty sure he understood i was trying to say i liked him, actaully had some undesired, but still very present feeling for him. anyway, the sly bastard kept pressing the matter till i just said it. i felt so embarassed, i know he had jsut said he liked me, but i felt so damn vulnerable, im not use to it

but yeah tbhat happened, we talked a long time, went into my car, talked some more, cuddled on the front seat, but only becuase the kid was shivering like none other! and i was terriied of getting him sick again. itwasnt an attempt to hit on him.

but then like good children, we decided that nothing could happen. it was actaulyl sad. stephen made it sound like we should just tell people we liked each other and deal with the consequences, adn then in a moment that was incredibly upsetting, i had to explain that i really really really really cant date anyone. nobody seems to understand just how bad i am at it, and those who do understand absoultely hate me, and for good reason

oh son of a bitch, he just texted me… =D D=

anyways, he said that made sense, that i didnt have to worry things wouldnt be weird between us, hed still come over all the time, and id always be mei mei

we went inside, and i just wanted to sleep. no onese ever told me “wed stil lbe firends” nad it actaully happened.

anyway, he was suppose to be over the next day with john, and wehn i heard he was sick and probably not coming, it made perfect sense. but then, son of a bitch he did. john got sick and went home. me jeff and stephen, diecided to watch religulous.

we had to watch it in iggy and jeremeys room. thwich has two beds. so because i couldtn stand the idea of sharing a bed iwth jeff, and didnt want to be alone, and becuase for reasons i dont know wante dot lie next to stephen ( i was drinking mind you, i should do less of that…)

anyway, we were lying down on the bed, and he totally started it, he moved his foot so i twas resting on mine, and then moved it a little, so i did the same, and then that just kept progressing, i casaulyl moved a little closer to him. then he started rubbing my arm, then my back, then the sly bastard took it further

(i never woulda thought him so ballsy)

but yeah, while i was lying on my side, not faceing him, he started rubbing my side, and i cant explain why that was so hot, but it really was, especially since he kept pushing my shirt up… anyway, now nad again, i might amade a grind movement with my ass up against him, but it harldy happened (afterall jeff was in the room) and i drinking a lot, and fuck, he turned me on so much!

so i guess that gave the guy confidence, becuase then he oh so slyly, put his hand on my collar bone, not actaully touching my chest yet, but still right there. anyway, i actaulyl stopped my shennanigans at that point becuase the whole ordeal was making me slightly nervous at this point, it seemed to be going fast at that point.

but the kid didnt back down, and it wasnt really the opportune moment to tell him i still didnt think this was a good idea. anyway, he actaully started touching my chest, but never put his hand under my bra. after that he drifted towards ass regions. was very hesitant to actaully grab it, started just massaging my legs, then got higher and higher, till finally he got there, but just as the movie was ending

at this point, i had drinkin more, was less nervous and started rubbing his erection through his pants.
i know, hell, i know.

then that day ended, pretty fun,
oh yeah! he shaved that day, it looked so good, i never knew he had such a strong jaw line

anyway, nothign happened, until, well the next night… we hadnt talked since the odd incident, and i was afriad id gone and upset him again, becuase he was there for a while before saying anything to me. i was heavily intoxicated when he put on my friends, and then i didnt stand a chance. his fault!

so i asked him to go to my car real quick with me. i brough thim out there then promptly lost my courage and told him i couldnt remember why i asked him out there.