ran so far, i could not find my way back
oh blog. ive screwed it up all to hell. i really dont get it. i dont remember what i posted. i dont know a lot of things. i always like cogito ergo sum. i wonder if he got to such a point that he had to start all at square one.
the only way to get back on track seems to be vindication. i have to find a way to make the lives of the people ive been a part of better. i have to make them better rather than worse. and all ive done is worse. so i have to do far better than that.
when i remember that plan it makes everyhting clearer, so i think thats improtant.
i tried to make pennance for those things, and it just got worse. i dont understand how i can activly work towards an end and never get even close. other people make it hard.
and that makes me wanna say it part their fault
because i believe in splitting things, blame included. its rarely one or the other, but both.
but at the same time. i have to be responsible for what ive done. and becuase it was bad part of the punishment should be taking on the blame i belive should/could be others.
these ideas make me tired.
if you love someone. and they break you. you simultaneously love and hate them. the only way to get out of that paradox is to hate them. completely. make them your enemy and hate them.
book of virtues:
an old man tells his three sons he will only give inheritance to the man that shows himself worthy. the first man dives into a river to save himself from drowning, risking his own life because he himself cannot swim. the old man says this is expected and not noble as all men should be prepared to die to save a child. the second man honors a friendship by fighting at his friends side in a conflict he has no part in. the old man says this expected of loyalty and is therefore not noble. the third son says that he watched his most hated enemy sleeping near a cliff. the enemy began turning in his sleep and nearly roled off the edge. the thrid sun ran to him and saved him, even though the enemy had sworn to kill him on sight. the old man said loving and protecting your enemy even in the face of death was noble becuase all human lives were valuable.
at first i though i could simply love bode and those feelings of hate would disappear. hence the memory of that white shirt. but it only worked when i concentrated really hard on it. so a fail.
but after talking to kaitlyn tonight. after realizing he wasnt even upset for a week after we broke up. to know i had been tormented for years and he couldnt even spare a week before becoming interested in another girl. it arrose this pure form of hate i had never known.
and it in. i figured it out.
i cant just love him and hope the hate would go away. but i can hate him as fierce enemy. and love him more plainly than ever before. because hes still a man, and still valubale beyond anyhting i could imagine. because push came to shove i could hate him until the ends of time adn still risk my life to save him.
hes my behated, and after truely hating him i find i had more to give than i realized. because even at that moment of realization. i could still imagine himj in the white shirt. its a peculiar sort of balance. i think this is the hardest thing ive tried to articulate. i know i havent and wont be able to articulate it clearly. but this concept seems so foreign to me, i doubt anyone could understand it unless they found it for themselves.
i hate you. with everything i have in me to hate. and even after that i remembered that i still had some unknown resevoir of affection, and that its as alive for you in ever.
and thats an interesting thing to know. i cant say why but its comforting. and i can feel its lasting.
