welcome to another day, nothing is different because nothing has changed
so.
some stuff, im sure.
things have quieted down. its my safe but terrible life, ebineezer (as if i could spell that name). but i am greatful nonetheless. not to the extent i should be, no. but well work on that.
the dilemma that presents itself now however, is this feeling. ominous. nervousness.
things are getting closer, closer to being good, and everyday i felt it more. but it seems all that progress has stopped.
and now i cant be sure if i was never making any progress at all, or if its simply stopped.
i dont know what it even has to do with.
but its cliff climbing. upwards and onwards to the top. until you look down. it doesnt matter how good your grip is, how sure your footing is, as soon as you look down to the bottom, its so damn far away. and then your palms sweat, and then your knees lock, and your footing is off. and your stomach whirls. and none of its very good at all for a rock climber.
and then you, for the first time, risk falling. and it has nothing to do with the difficulty of the climb or your competance as a climber, it only has to do that you looked down and you cant stop looking down and it frightens you because it reminds you that you could fall and die, but if you simply stopped looking down, you wouldnt fall and die.\
theyre seeming, farther away (not further mind you) and less out of focus. like a glitch. like records skipping. like a delay in audio. all the little things that are off just so.
they could all be talismans. and thats starting to make me nervous as well. i have my talisman. i just have to write it down and that act in itself will be the talisman. but not all talismans are good. theyre usually given good connotations. but they could just as easily be bad. and whose to say i wont stumble across one of those talismans. i have before. remember toner?
i could again, only who knows how much worse off that could be? only at the same time, i might not run across one at all, and therefore this whole worry is very silly, really, like all other worries.
im nervous that this is what i elect to write about. talismans and analogies, nevousness and potential. shouldnt i be more concerend with the other things that are in my life. its not that ive forgotten them, they just became more obsolete. ive written that before, and it wasnt a good idea.
i can make a list. that parts easy.
im worried about losing my scholarship
im worried about not being able to afford school should i do
im worried that could mean ill go into debt trying to pay for it and doom my future family to a life of debt.
or im worried that could mean mom will try to find the money and shell never have the money to make herself happy during her retirement, and really, its hte only time left.
or im worried ill simply drop out and never do anything i had imagined myself doing in life.
and then im worried about mom.
im worried about her skin disease.
im worried about her neck.
im worried shes old and shell die most likely a younger older lady (as in by the time shes 58 to 64)
im worried thats soon and shes never really been happy so we better find a way soon
im worried our hosue is much to big for her
im worried we cant sell it
im worried the spa is dirty
im worried jennys not going ot be able to go to school
im worried i dont care about dad.
im worried sarahs marrying vern
im worried shes 300,000 dollar in debt because of her house
im worried about the peple that i know
that theyre getting tired of my shit
that im breaking them
that theyre going to figure me out and wont want to be around me anymore
im worried about my skin
im worried about my body
im worried ill never fix either and therefore never enjoy sex again.
im worried about sex.
im worried i dont care about anyone. im worried i cant.
im worried beucase its creepy. im worried becuase its peculiar
im worried beucase i dont know how long it will last
im worried the talisman will let me down
i dont have enough time, im worried about the battery dying on this computer. so i gotta go.
but the idea. is that the above. is just so. its not that big a deal. talismans. the details. all of that. is so much more pressing.
