On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

oh yes.

weve been thinking havent we?

so ive said it before. love is living a life of someone picking up your shoes or you picking up someone elses. equally displeasing.

but really thats what being in love is all about.

the stage prior?

well shakespeare did have it right, and its nothing to do with putting it in a poem, its all about the lover and the beloved.

whats better to happen to life or to have it happen to you?

its the quetsion of passivity and activity.

as one who always wanted to be active, you stupid fucks how could you think id ever want to be a beloved?

clearly, you dont love me becuase you dont knwo who i am. how can you love what you dont understand?

i dont want to be your fucking beloved. i dont want that pressue. i dont want anyone living and dying by what i do. and maybe its not quote the melodrama i make it wout to be, but at times you must admit, its everythign ive feared.

what role does the beloved have?

to sit, and be beloved.

i cant stand not doing anything for extended periods of time. sure im lzy as fuck sometimes, and i love to just sit and be still. but that beucase I (capitalized for reasons beyond standard punctuation) like to sit. I like to do it becase its waht i like to do. i dont like to sit and be still so i can have someone admire that im sitting. that doesnt factor in at al lto the pleasure i take it sitting. so what in gods name makes you thin id bever be content to just sit and be loved?

i can see the thought process. not everyones, but some. some will say, oh you only say its terrible being beoved becuase you have been beloived. its so much worse being the lover always trying and always being alone, no one caring for you blah bnlah blah blah bklah.

bull shit.

i spent a good long hard time being the lover. it had its sad moment. sure. im not saying that being the beloved is any worse what so ever. but frankly, if i could choose, id go back to being the lover.

that choice may not be for everyone, whcih is coolsies.

but heres the deal;.\

i started life as a lover. and then came to the semi pessemistic, though it didnt feel it at the time, idea that i would never be love, so why am i wasting my time? it wasnt a depressing realization, just an occurence. like waking up to an overcast day. im not sad about it, it just is what it is.

sio i changed my ideas on what i wante.d i didnt wanna find someone to love me. fuck i just wanted good people around to be my friends.

and then you fucks had to go change the rules. maybe not you personally, but you gotta understand, i played by a set of ruels, maybe you didnt have a say in them or werent around for their institution, but then yoiu cahnged them, and you never even consulted me. and then you get so fucking tripped out that i dont play by them?

what.the.fuck.

its asenine. i shouldnt be punished for this.

all i wanted.

was to be in a friendly environment, i wasnt opposed to finding someone, but i wasnt always pursuing it.

and then a few of you fukcs went and “fell in love”
poppy.cock.

oh and how slefless it was right? to love me so dearly, to just want to see me happy? right? right?

fuck you.

yyou didnt intend to, and its stupid and probally gonna bite me in the as later, but all i take from your love is all i can see from it.

we start as friends. cool
you “fall in love”
we try to resolve matter.
you part ways with me and say its myfault.

what the fuck, i didnt cahnge, only you did.

what really changed is this, a better translation.

ashley starts as friends
you start as, hmm, shes not an ugly chick, on her good days, and i dunno, maybe ill get laid?

then
i fidn things i like about you and wanna be friends with you even more. we got the same styles.
you find things you like about me and that we got the same styles.

so were friends.
like you are with all your other firends.

but then the REVELATION comes.

WAIT, holly flying cannolies batman, ashleys got, DUN DUN DUN

A

V
A
G
I
N
A

w00t.

and then its all about love.

bullshit.

i didnt chagne.

you juust want to be liad.
the attribute of mine you find most pleasing is the one i hate most. why would i wanna be loved for what i hate about myself>?

now this could be a silly idea to have. beucase first off, i feel egocentrical thinking any guy wants my vag, but hell theyre coming on to me.

but i feel more secure in this assumption, beucase after, after i say the vag is closed for business, youd think, if they liked being around me, as much as they say they did. if they wanted to see me happy, like they say they did, then why wouldnt they still be my friend?

why ostracize me? why put my on a pedastool.

josh you put me on a pedastool once and left me up there. id just like to say its the loniest place ive been in a while and im still trying to figure out how to get back down.

dick.

so fuck your songs.
fuck bob
fuck i get by

fuck your martyrdome

fuck your love
fuck your sympathy
fuck your silent suffering
fuck you.

i never wanted to be a part of this.

and you never gave a fuck abhout that.

im not saying its your fault, its a comnination of us both.

but im donesies with this game

im sticking to loving trees and weeds, and broken strings, rocks and quiet things

because neither of us wears shoes.
and neither of us has to be the beloved.

i understand you wanting to always help. lots of people are like that. im not sure why, i shouldnt predent to know why. so i dont.

but heres the thing. you do it becuase it makes you feel good.

i wont get into to the entanglement of selfishness. theres no need to bother an easy mind.

but you do it because it makes you feel good.

but im going to do it, beucase whats fun is fun but done is done.

things have to get done. you gotta doit what you gotta doit.

heres my reasoning.

see, you had a happy life, as did everyone you knew. well moderately happy.

and then i came along.

now your easy head is conscience laiden, and many you know are less happy than they were previously.

poor actions.

now i imagine youll apply the same context to yourself.

but look at it this way.

i was upset to begin with. and everyone i knew was moderately happy.

you come along.

and im more upset but everyone i know stays moderately happy.

clearly. my actions were more detrimental than your, see?

so we cant both be martyrs, though im certain youre trying. youre so good at it, sometimes i cant be sure if youre really being nice, or just dont care. but then i remember you, remember the things youve said, and i know better. you woulda had even me, but well, id do the same thing. i can see it.

but we cant just ramble tongiht. we should find a solution, of some sorts

i cant let you do the martyr thing. itll just eat you up.

besides you improve the quality of life for jeff and adam, and i think even john might be happier having you hang with them. and i think its even good fro you, i hope. so you need to stay

but at least if you were the marytr you wouldnt have to see me and tehrefore be better
damn

i could die. but that might make you sad. besides, theres no progress.

i want to go to russia, but thats impossible. little progress. unlikely. stupid

fuck. my head isnt workign right enough to figure this out.

maybe if i write a book and get rich. and get to russia. and stuff stuff stuff stuff.

so.

some stuff, im sure.

things have quieted down. its my safe but terrible life, ebineezer (as if i could spell that name). but i am greatful nonetheless. not to the extent i should be, no. but well work on that.

the dilemma that presents itself now however, is this feeling. ominous. nervousness.

things are getting closer, closer to being good, and everyday i felt it more. but it seems all that progress has stopped.

and now i cant be sure if i was never making any progress at all,  or if its simply stopped.

i dont know what it even has to do with.

but its cliff climbing. upwards and onwards to the top. until you look down. it doesnt matter how good your grip is, how sure your footing is, as soon as you look down to the bottom, its so damn far away. and then your palms sweat, and then your knees lock, and your footing is off. and your stomach whirls. and none of its very good at all for a rock climber.

and then you, for the first time, risk falling. and it has nothing to do with the difficulty of the climb or your competance as a climber, it only has to do that you looked down and you cant stop looking down and it frightens you because it reminds you that you could fall and die, but if you simply stopped looking down, you wouldnt fall and die.\

theyre seeming, farther away (not further mind you) and less out of focus. like a glitch. like records skipping. like a delay in audio. all the little things that are off just so.

they could all be talismans. and thats starting to make me nervous as well. i have my talisman. i just have to write it down and that act in itself will be the talisman. but not all talismans are good. theyre usually given good connotations. but they could just as easily be bad. and whose to say i wont stumble across one of those talismans. i have before. remember toner?

i could again, only who knows how much worse off that could be? only at the same time, i might not run across one at all, and therefore this whole worry is very silly, really, like all other worries.

im nervous that this is what i elect to write about. talismans and analogies, nevousness and potential. shouldnt i be more concerend with the other things that are in my life. its not that ive forgotten them, they just became more obsolete. ive written that before, and it wasnt a good idea.

i can make a list. that parts easy.

im worried about losing my scholarship
im worried about not being able to afford school should i do
im worried that could mean ill go into debt trying to pay for it and doom my future family to a life of debt.
or im worried that could mean mom will try to find the money and shell never have the money to make herself happy during her retirement, and really, its hte only time left.
or im worried ill simply drop out and never do anything i had imagined myself doing in life.

and then im worried about mom.
im worried about her skin disease.
im worried about her neck.
im worried shes old and shell die most likely a younger older lady (as in by the time shes 58 to 64)
im worried thats soon and shes never really been happy so we better find a way soon
im worried our hosue is much to big for her
im worried we cant sell it
im worried the spa is dirty
im worried jennys not going ot be able to go to school

im worried i dont care about dad.
im worried sarahs marrying vern
im worried shes 300,000 dollar in debt because of her house

im worried about the peple that i know
that theyre getting tired of my shit
that im breaking them
that theyre going to figure me out and wont want to be around me anymore

im worried about my skin
im worried about my body
im worried ill never fix either and therefore never enjoy sex again.

im worried about sex.
im worried i dont care about anyone. im worried i cant.
im worried beucase its creepy. im worried becuase its peculiar
im worried beucase i dont know how long it will last
im worried the talisman will let me down

i dont have enough time, im worried about the battery dying on this computer. so i gotta go.

but the idea. is that the above. is just so. its not that big a deal. talismans. the details. all of that. is so much more pressing.