On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

i cant make it stop, i keep trying to force it, and convince myself, that yes! now finally! at long last ive gotten this under control, and dont worry, i can do it now.

if i make enough pennanc
if i fall asleep early some night
if i remember an old saying i havent said in years
if i listen to the right music
if i remember the right things

this is all going to be fixed!

like the last post, if i can just do soemthing right. itll be good again, i know it will!

but i always thought exclamation points were a little decietful, and i still do.

its worrying me. i keep trying to play it off as something else. im njot really in trouble here, just overwhelmed. or maybe i was just drinking too much. or maybe everyone was right and i just didnt know what i wanted. after all, if it looks like a dog and walks like a dog, its probably a dog, or in my case bitch. thats more appropriate.

only now its here again, just like it was last night. and its starting to feel like last time more and more. and i dont want to waste money on a doctor. besides, if they dont work, then its game over man. game over.
no now, come on, lets gather round the camp fire, sing some songs

i dont care to die.  i just dont want to feel like this. i dont feel like anything. its not really apathy. beucase its not that i desire not to do anything, i just dont desire. i kinda feel like a toy car. that gets wound up. i dont care if im wound up or not, i dont care what directino they point me in, and i dont really care if i smack into a wall and go no where while my tires spin.
 
and thats not what bothers me. its just like an offshoot, to more deserted road.

but its this offshoot that im worrying about. becasue i cant explain it enough, i cant live that other way. i cant live without logic and proportion, when they fall sloppy dead so will I.its the most terrifying thing ive seen, and i dont want to see it again.

but its getting closer agian.

i cant even make any plans. this is the worst stuff thats ever happened. which is pathetic, ive lived a sheltered life. and its affecting me greatly.

it sorta feels like the dreams you have when someone you love dies. in the dream it so goddamn real. youre heartbroken and its awful and youve never felt anything quite so bad, i never stop to think this is a dream, but i do know that i always have a hard time believeing its happening. its so terrible.

and now im starting to feel that way. only, i mean it. i really think i could still wake up, maybe a year or two in the apst, and allt his was just a bad spot of potato. and id think, how lucky i am, this isnt real.

but it is. unless of coruse its not.

i guess what im trying to say is,

what have i become?
my sweetest friend?
everyone i know,
goes away in the end

and you can have it all,
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way.