On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

its grand, how often you can get to a point, where you can not quite describe what it is you feel. and then as though by some divine intervention, a song plays on the radio and it describes it perfectly. it seem abusrd to think that maybe, 7 years ago when it was originally written its whole purpose was to play on the radio at that exact moment, have me flip to that station and hear it and realize that janes addicition understands more about how i feel than i do myself.

but i dont believe in fate, so thats dumb

things are different these days. 

but in such a sense that it doesnt matter

things that do matter?

updates?

i scarred my body up

i had some emo moments, became an idiot, made the huge mistake of disclosing such emo moments, and now get to work to wipe such moments from peoples memories

keep getting upset

keep talking about getting upset

which only makes me more upset. . .

then i became a whore and kissed stephen
why one might ask?

well, camerons over and im relieved, but still always a little hurt by silly emo thoughts. anyway, still interested in john, but i havent seen a lot of him these days, went to pine top where he spent all his free time with meredith. . .

and then heard he has a mystery girl? i dunno about that though… anywa,y, we use to talk and text alnmmost everyday, but lately i havent, and when i tried last, he didnt respond. im really thinking it i was a third choice and now hes not even interestged.

and frankly im tired of being a last resort.
the idea of someone dating me, simply becuase they want to, andnot becuase theyre emotionally traumatized by some other girl or experience, is sorta nice

anyway. . .

so i was emotionally, frayed, i think that is the right word, and he came over and it made me super excited, which i didnt like ,beucase i legitimately do not want to start another love interest.

anyways, despite my logical plans, i was excited to seem him. but he seemed so down, jeff had said lately that theyd been talking and stephen was saying that he didnt see the point in trying to find a girl becuase he knew he was unattractive and boring and no one would ever want him.

anyway, that was perturbing me as those sorts o things tend to do. especially since i already realized i was terribly attracted to him and thought he was hillarious and was always hoping hed be over at jeffs and adams.

so he pulls up and looks terribyl down, so i ask if he wasnts to take a walk. i actaully didnt expect him to agree but he almost jumped at the idea.

anyways, we start talking, i honestly cant remember most of it, i was heavily intoxicated, i remember telling him i wasnt, becase i didnt want him to think i was wasted, but i definitely, stood up at one point, walked around the corner and peed in the parking lot…

anyway we were talking about stuff, what in gods name i cant be sure, i really wish i could remember. i could make any sort of guess

anyway, it got on the topic of girls. and he said something about how no girl would like him

now it irked me enough already that someone as great as he is would say being saying that to jeff, but hearing it out loud. well that was something else.

now i really wanna explain my bad behavior, but i suppose i know my own motivation anyway.

point is, while intoxicated i thought it possible to kiss stephen, that way he would understand that he was attractive, but ialso thought it was possible to kiss him and not give the impression that i wanted to date him or was interested in him. i thought this was possible becaise i told him

im very fucked up when it comes to epole/relationships, i cant date you or anyone else

but i said this after i started kissing him.

anyway, the first time it was alright (yes, i said first time…)
but id kiss him once or twice, but he didnt seem into it. i apologized we talked about bullshit agin, again got back to how he knew i didnt really find him good looking, so god damnit, i had to prove my point again…

that happened about three times. but by the alst time he pulled away and didnt turn back in my direction, so i took that to mean i had gone and upset him

anyway, we talked later about it, over a cigarette once and then over the phone again. i had the feeling it was really getting him down that he made out with his best friends recent ex

i never calimed to have a soul.

anyway, one day he came over and i wanted to talk to him about why hed been down lately. becuase it seemed like a lot more than just the other night. frankly sometiems it seems like the kid is distant from everybody else. i dotn know quite how to explain it. so i asked jeff to let him and me smoke outside and not bother us. they stayed away, whether or not jeff did his class act annoying bit of spying on me (the worst is he justifies it to himself, i just wanted to get yahoo, right then… give me a break…) he might have been outside, fucking right next to us listening and pretending to just be smokeing, i dont know. my suspions arise from his fucking texts later… anyway, no big deal.

we were out there for hours, talked about so much shit. everything and anything. there were mayn times itwoudl drift to us. and he flat out said he felt so terrible becuase he wanted it to happen. that he couldnt believe he liked his best friends girl. i tried to just say he was good looking, but then he took that to mean, id just fuck him, so then i tried to covertly explainh, i could only sleep wtih a guy i cared about, now im pretty sure he understood i was trying to say i liked him, actaully had some undesired, but still very present feeling for him. anyway, the sly bastard kept pressing the matter till i just said it. i felt so embarassed, i know he had jsut said he liked me, but i felt so damn vulnerable, im not use to it

but yeah tbhat happened, we talked a long time, went into my car, talked some more, cuddled on the front seat, but only becuase the kid was shivering like none other! and i was terriied of getting him sick again. itwasnt an attempt to hit on him.

but then like good children, we decided that nothing could happen. it was actaulyl sad. stephen made it sound like we should just tell people we liked each other and deal with the consequences, adn then in a moment that was incredibly upsetting, i had to explain that i really really really really cant date anyone. nobody seems to understand just how bad i am at it, and those who do understand absoultely hate me, and for good reason

oh son of a bitch, he just texted me… =D D=

anyways, he said that made sense, that i didnt have to worry things wouldnt be weird between us, hed still come over all the time, and id always be mei mei

we went inside, and i just wanted to sleep. no onese ever told me “wed stil lbe firends” nad it actaully happened.

anyway, he was suppose to be over the next day with john, and wehn i heard he was sick and probably not coming, it made perfect sense. but then, son of a bitch he did. john got sick and went home. me jeff and stephen, diecided to watch religulous.

we had to watch it in iggy and jeremeys room. thwich has two beds. so because i couldtn stand the idea of sharing a bed iwth jeff, and didnt want to be alone, and becuase for reasons i dont know wante dot lie next to stephen ( i was drinking mind you, i should do less of that…)

anyway, we were lying down on the bed, and he totally started it, he moved his foot so i twas resting on mine, and then moved it a little, so i did the same, and then that just kept progressing, i casaulyl moved a little closer to him. then he started rubbing my arm, then my back, then the sly bastard took it further

(i never woulda thought him so ballsy)

but yeah, while i was lying on my side, not faceing him, he started rubbing my side, and i cant explain why that was so hot, but it really was, especially since he kept pushing my shirt up… anyway, now nad again, i might amade a grind movement with my ass up against him, but it harldy happened (afterall jeff was in the room) and i drinking a lot, and fuck, he turned me on so much!

so i guess that gave the guy confidence, becuase then he oh so slyly, put his hand on my collar bone, not actaully touching my chest yet, but still right there. anyway, i actaulyl stopped my shennanigans at that point becuase the whole ordeal was making me slightly nervous at this point, it seemed to be going fast at that point.

but the kid didnt back down, and it wasnt really the opportune moment to tell him i still didnt think this was a good idea. anyway, he actaully started touching my chest, but never put his hand under my bra. after that he drifted towards ass regions. was very hesitant to actaully grab it, started just massaging my legs, then got higher and higher, till finally he got there, but just as the movie was ending

at this point, i had drinkin more, was less nervous and started rubbing his erection through his pants.
i know, hell, i know.

then that day ended, pretty fun,
oh yeah! he shaved that day, it looked so good, i never knew he had such a strong jaw line

anyway, nothign happened, until, well the next night… we hadnt talked since the odd incident, and i was afriad id gone and upset him again, becuase he was there for a while before saying anything to me. i was heavily intoxicated when he put on my friends, and then i didnt stand a chance. his fault!

so i asked him to go to my car real quick with me. i brough thim out there then promptly lost my courage and told him i couldnt remember why i asked him out there.