On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

its grand, how often you can get to a point, where you can not quite describe what it is you feel. and then as though by some divine intervention, a song plays on the radio and it describes it perfectly. it seem abusrd to think that maybe, 7 years ago when it was originally written its whole purpose was to play on the radio at that exact moment, have me flip to that station and hear it and realize that janes addicition understands more about how i feel than i do myself.

but i dont believe in fate, so thats dumb

things are different these days. 

but in such a sense that it doesnt matter

things that do matter?

updates?

i scarred my body up

i had some emo moments, became an idiot, made the huge mistake of disclosing such emo moments, and now get to work to wipe such moments from peoples memories

keep getting upset

keep talking about getting upset

which only makes me more upset. . .

then i became a whore and kissed stephen
why one might ask?

well, camerons over and im relieved, but still always a little hurt by silly emo thoughts. anyway, still interested in john, but i havent seen a lot of him these days, went to pine top where he spent all his free time with meredith. . .

and then heard he has a mystery girl? i dunno about that though… anywa,y, we use to talk and text alnmmost everyday, but lately i havent, and when i tried last, he didnt respond. im really thinking it i was a third choice and now hes not even interestged.

and frankly im tired of being a last resort.
the idea of someone dating me, simply becuase they want to, andnot becuase theyre emotionally traumatized by some other girl or experience, is sorta nice

anyway. . .

so i was emotionally, frayed, i think that is the right word, and he came over and it made me super excited, which i didnt like ,beucase i legitimately do not want to start another love interest.

anyways, despite my logical plans, i was excited to seem him. but he seemed so down, jeff had said lately that theyd been talking and stephen was saying that he didnt see the point in trying to find a girl becuase he knew he was unattractive and boring and no one would ever want him.

anyway, that was perturbing me as those sorts o things tend to do. especially since i already realized i was terribly attracted to him and thought he was hillarious and was always hoping hed be over at jeffs and adams.

so he pulls up and looks terribyl down, so i ask if he wasnts to take a walk. i actaully didnt expect him to agree but he almost jumped at the idea.

anyways, we start talking, i honestly cant remember most of it, i was heavily intoxicated, i remember telling him i wasnt, becase i didnt want him to think i was wasted, but i definitely, stood up at one point, walked around the corner and peed in the parking lot…

anyway we were talking about stuff, what in gods name i cant be sure, i really wish i could remember. i could make any sort of guess

anyway, it got on the topic of girls. and he said something about how no girl would like him

now it irked me enough already that someone as great as he is would say being saying that to jeff, but hearing it out loud. well that was something else.

now i really wanna explain my bad behavior, but i suppose i know my own motivation anyway.

point is, while intoxicated i thought it possible to kiss stephen, that way he would understand that he was attractive, but ialso thought it was possible to kiss him and not give the impression that i wanted to date him or was interested in him. i thought this was possible becaise i told him

im very fucked up when it comes to epole/relationships, i cant date you or anyone else

but i said this after i started kissing him.

anyway, the first time it was alright (yes, i said first time…)
but id kiss him once or twice, but he didnt seem into it. i apologized we talked about bullshit agin, again got back to how he knew i didnt really find him good looking, so god damnit, i had to prove my point again…

that happened about three times. but by the alst time he pulled away and didnt turn back in my direction, so i took that to mean i had gone and upset him

anyway, we talked later about it, over a cigarette once and then over the phone again. i had the feeling it was really getting him down that he made out with his best friends recent ex

i never calimed to have a soul.

anyway, one day he came over and i wanted to talk to him about why hed been down lately. becuase it seemed like a lot more than just the other night. frankly sometiems it seems like the kid is distant from everybody else. i dotn know quite how to explain it. so i asked jeff to let him and me smoke outside and not bother us. they stayed away, whether or not jeff did his class act annoying bit of spying on me (the worst is he justifies it to himself, i just wanted to get yahoo, right then… give me a break…) he might have been outside, fucking right next to us listening and pretending to just be smokeing, i dont know. my suspions arise from his fucking texts later… anyway, no big deal.

we were out there for hours, talked about so much shit. everything and anything. there were mayn times itwoudl drift to us. and he flat out said he felt so terrible becuase he wanted it to happen. that he couldnt believe he liked his best friends girl. i tried to just say he was good looking, but then he took that to mean, id just fuck him, so then i tried to covertly explainh, i could only sleep wtih a guy i cared about, now im pretty sure he understood i was trying to say i liked him, actaully had some undesired, but still very present feeling for him. anyway, the sly bastard kept pressing the matter till i just said it. i felt so embarassed, i know he had jsut said he liked me, but i felt so damn vulnerable, im not use to it

but yeah tbhat happened, we talked a long time, went into my car, talked some more, cuddled on the front seat, but only becuase the kid was shivering like none other! and i was terriied of getting him sick again. itwasnt an attempt to hit on him.

but then like good children, we decided that nothing could happen. it was actaulyl sad. stephen made it sound like we should just tell people we liked each other and deal with the consequences, adn then in a moment that was incredibly upsetting, i had to explain that i really really really really cant date anyone. nobody seems to understand just how bad i am at it, and those who do understand absoultely hate me, and for good reason

oh son of a bitch, he just texted me… =D D=

anyways, he said that made sense, that i didnt have to worry things wouldnt be weird between us, hed still come over all the time, and id always be mei mei

we went inside, and i just wanted to sleep. no onese ever told me “wed stil lbe firends” nad it actaully happened.

anyway, he was suppose to be over the next day with john, and wehn i heard he was sick and probably not coming, it made perfect sense. but then, son of a bitch he did. john got sick and went home. me jeff and stephen, diecided to watch religulous.

we had to watch it in iggy and jeremeys room. thwich has two beds. so because i couldtn stand the idea of sharing a bed iwth jeff, and didnt want to be alone, and becuase for reasons i dont know wante dot lie next to stephen ( i was drinking mind you, i should do less of that…)

anyway, we were lying down on the bed, and he totally started it, he moved his foot so i twas resting on mine, and then moved it a little, so i did the same, and then that just kept progressing, i casaulyl moved a little closer to him. then he started rubbing my arm, then my back, then the sly bastard took it further

(i never woulda thought him so ballsy)

but yeah, while i was lying on my side, not faceing him, he started rubbing my side, and i cant explain why that was so hot, but it really was, especially since he kept pushing my shirt up… anyway, now nad again, i might amade a grind movement with my ass up against him, but it harldy happened (afterall jeff was in the room) and i drinking a lot, and fuck, he turned me on so much!

so i guess that gave the guy confidence, becuase then he oh so slyly, put his hand on my collar bone, not actaully touching my chest yet, but still right there. anyway, i actaulyl stopped my shennanigans at that point becuase the whole ordeal was making me slightly nervous at this point, it seemed to be going fast at that point.

but the kid didnt back down, and it wasnt really the opportune moment to tell him i still didnt think this was a good idea. anyway, he actaully started touching my chest, but never put his hand under my bra. after that he drifted towards ass regions. was very hesitant to actaully grab it, started just massaging my legs, then got higher and higher, till finally he got there, but just as the movie was ending

at this point, i had drinkin more, was less nervous and started rubbing his erection through his pants.
i know, hell, i know.

then that day ended, pretty fun,
oh yeah! he shaved that day, it looked so good, i never knew he had such a strong jaw line

anyway, nothign happened, until, well the next night… we hadnt talked since the odd incident, and i was afriad id gone and upset him again, becuase he was there for a while before saying anything to me. i was heavily intoxicated when he put on my friends, and then i didnt stand a chance. his fault!

so i asked him to go to my car real quick with me. i brough thim out there then promptly lost my courage and told him i couldnt remember why i asked him out there.

watching angle cry

i figured it out. my life will end in my suidicde.

im not pleased with this, im not displease with it either.

i dont believe in fate, but this is whats going to happen.

the good thing is its not happening now. it was. i really almost was. it wiuold be nice to explain this to someone, but they wouldnt believe it. or theyd belive it only becuaes theyre certain theyve known this. but they dont. \

unless they have

i think im paranoid

theres no way to know thing.s i hate it. i hate that so much, its the only thign i hate. not being able to kjnow. being able to decide.

everything else is moot.

but its not now. im grateful. i dont look forward to death. i liek life, so long as its making sense. when it doesnt make sense i want it gone. but i cant have that. and if i could i wouldnt want it, so long as i could have it.

nothing makes sense.

but its not now. i wish i had written it down when it was possibly now,hten id get closer, but its not now anyomore.

oh well it will be again

thats the worst poart. knowing its going to come back.

and back again

and back again

\
until one day. itll be over. thats a relaxing thought.

over.

theres no way to know. if its real or its not. i dont think everyone lives with this unsurety. but i cant knwo

i cant know anythign

i want to. i want to know.

i want sense
i want logic

but they ellude me so.

its okay beucase its not now, but im terrified and relieved at the thoguht that itll  come back again.

oh lordddddy

things just arent fair

why cant

i never would

and even when

because its not right

i feel like im going to be lonely for ever

i mean, why should i have to fuck someone i dont want to fuck just to make them happy? couldnt they just be my friend without taht. i never asked anything of them.

why, why born a girl?

if i was a boy, none of this would be happening.

none of it.

and i think im paranoid.

theres a motif of the evening, of the day really. and its that,

i do and do not want to die

its yes and no

its black and white

light and dark

its me and its not

i think it might be a problem

i kept holding  knife to my throat last night. thats how i’ll/i’d do it if i do. fuck the wrists to many factors that might not make it work. fuck pills someone will find me, fuck hanging, i can tie a noose, fuck a gun, i dont have one

nothign all too dramatic. just one cut, maybe only half an inch, right across my jugular on my left side. its wrong becuase i do and do not. i will and will not.

a board cannot be all white if its all green

i have a board thats all white and all green, i want to tear it off the wall
go fish

i think im going to see somebody. an actaul doctor. its okay to say it here/.

things arent okay

things are okay.

there no sense

there is sense

but what i know for sure is i cant live like this. i cant not know what is and what isnt. i cant live without the seperation between the two. its doing things. its making eveerything so much more difficult than it need be.

this is a real problem, that much i almost know. because i dont want it. its making it very difficult.

i want it to stop. i want to know. i want black to be black and white to be white. i want boards to be one color.

its making me sick.

this is jens fault, i didnt  know, not until she said it.

i dont want this.

death doesnt scare me. not in the slightests. if i was on a desert island there is no doubt in my mind id do it. none whatsoever.

i know that. becuae i burn myself. i couldnt do that if i coulnt cut my throat.

i started cutting it, just a little. just to see. round the bases. it was so cool, and perfect.

knives are perfect specimens of technology. they serve theyre purpose always. the best is there is no way to tame them. they serve their function, to cut, whether we intend it or not. absolutely perfect.

i had to cut my hair when i kept pushing it in harder.

i thought this wouldnt be here when i woke up, things are always much more intense

camping, its fucking intense/in tents

when its dark. but i woke up no better. im allergic to this feeling. it makes me physically try to get out of my skin

that sounds like emo bullshit.

but its true.

sicle cell disease. the last part of me pulled away from my skin. like elastic. and now im together and whole but pulled apart from me. im apart and together

its yes its no

its all green its all white

its getting worse thinking about it, its bad enough trying not to, i thought this would help. its not.

it is.

its not

it is

its not

it is

its not

it is

i would. but my mom, shell be so sad. jenny sarah and chris too.

theyll be so sad, especially mom.

i cant

i will

i wont

i have

i havent

i shouldnt

i shouldnt not

i couldnt

i couldnt not

its a problem, i think ive decided i dont want to. i cant and wont. but at the same time everything i do to make it the way that it should be makes me sick

it makes me crawl

i will crawl away from god.

so ill see somebody. ill waste all my momney, because jen made me not like this

when i liked it so much to begin with.

so ill spend money and tell them to go fish if they cant fix it.

they will

thye wont

its green

its white

burn the witch.