On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

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more paranoia than usual.

alright, here it goes, jeff is not that great, good god.

why is he everyones favorite individual?

i mean sure, he can be a nice guy, but honestly, is he really the fuckign second coming of christ?!?

i swear, its gotta be beacuse he only pulls his shit on girls that everyoen thinks he christ on a cracker. nothign terrible, or weird, its just his whinny, self maryring bullshit that i cant stand.

ugh, i just cant stand it. im sorry, i dont even know why, maybe im siomply souless and therefore cant see the graetness that is jeff.

but really, hes not that great. i swear to god!

because he goes out of his way to do nice things for people? go fuck youself plenty of people do that! besides, if he were truely nice, he wouldnt point out the nice things hes done, but he points them out all the time, beucase he is still looking for some sort of recognition, and what aout his crying, boo hoo i cant find the will to liev. i onyl live to make those around me happy.

oh jesus christ.

ugh everyone feels like that, the rest of us have some self respect and dont come out and say it. besides, if you truely hated yourelf, youd try to destroy youself and everything that makes you happy, so even if you only did live to make other people happy youd never let on that thats whaty you do beucace you dont want to give the world a reason to beleve your anything but a rotten decayed inside.

fuck.

this brings me to my next thing. being born a woman was the worst injustice i could have ever been dealt. all i want are friends i have soemthing in common with. i knwo i rbought this on myself, but im still no happier about it.

i wanted to be friedns with the deity jeff, but he decides tahts impossible and goes out of his way to make it impossible to be my friend without making me constantly uncomfortable. woot

then adam,

then i haang around ryan axxel and he likes me then deletes me from his friends.

soon everyones going to hate me too and ill be back at square one.

meanwhile i get to watch jeff grow in favor with steven even though ive seen and talked to him way more just because hes a guy and allowed to have friends.

oh yeah , and my firends, lets recap? im a slut and a horrible perosn. im just done dealing with that shit to put up wtih poeple who only talk abiotu sex, blowing people, who they wanan fuck, how good a fuck someone is, hwo graet it was when we saw each other everyday, and hwo we wish we could still see each other everyday, oh and how we simultaneously love and hate our bofreidns. girls are boring and as predictable as fuck.

so here ill remain. attached to this fucking blog. woofukcinghoo.

bitter today? its a possibility.

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i still like john

he never brought it up

i texted cameron last night becuase he seemed sad

we talked for a bit about his family, and he kissed me

which i didnt count on

ive come to a tough area, im fairly certain john has no interest, or at least no interest now, but i have a hard time imagining dating cameron without out constanty being worried ill do something for him that i want to save for john.

and of course ill be liking him while dating cameron

so i facebooked him

ill see how that goes i suppose.

im just sorta, you know

right?

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so last night, was uh interesting,

to the best of my recollection

i began drinking instantly outta incredible nervousness

okay, i gotta stop,  i dont know whether to be sad or happy.

anyway, started drinking

nothing interesting until i “wanted” the hulk glove, and by hulk glove, i mean john
so i started flirting wtih him, at least it was flirting to me, i dunno about him

and that was fun. then as always jeff attempted to cock block me allllll fucking evening
i didnt ask john to take a walk or talk with me because he said at one point off hand that he didnt like taking walks.

which ended up being a good thing because later he said something negative abotu me making him talk to me :/

then we started taking shots of kaluah together and that was sorta fun

anyway, nothing eventful until jeff went to bed and stopped being a cock block.

and then beng still buzzed, tired, and a little drunk i decided to be bold and stated rather matter of factly that we were gonna sleep on the same couch.

jeff tried being a cock block again and telling us to sleep with him or on different bed but it didnt work, muahahahahahhaha

anyway, thne i started tickling him, again the random boldness, and it was going good, we were actaully wrestling at some point (i am getting in shape, my body disgusts me and im sure it disgusted him)

anyway, that went on for at least a half hour, we quoted metalocalypse and venture brothers, and had good times. i discovered he sorta ticklish on his side, but more on his feet. he discoved im ticklish on my sides, a bit, but moer on my knees. then he kept saying he was gonna bite my nose, and i bit his arm and shoulders a few times (mmm) then when the wrestling stopped we were watching home movies, (yay!) and again with my uncommon boldness i just rested my hand on his chest and started my usual touching of people (not in an inapporpriate way mind you) and i was just sorta stroking/scratching his chest for a bit. then he put his arm around me and started doing the same thing to my arm. then hed move further up my arm and start rubbing my hand, so i started playing with his hair. then he started brushing the hair out of my face. then at one point he looked down at me so i looked up at him for a minute. i really thought we might kiss then, it was inevitable at this point, we had come too far! (ha) but he turned back to the tv again, so we watched for a bit more until i decided, more boldness! (the theme of the evening for myself) and turned from the tv to look at him. he stopped watchign and looked down at me. we didnt do anythign for probably about 30 seconds, but that seemed like a very long time. then i dont remember who exactly went for it, i think he started and i came in close and he kissed me (little smilie face)

and then that turned into a lot of kissing. we started making out, and my hands were rubbing through his hair, and his went under my shirt and then grabbed my ass. then he started fumbling wtih my bra so i helped him out (ahahha) and undid it. more ass and boob grabbing. mmmmm…. i was rubbing his dick through his shorts, then i pulled it outta a bit and just started working the head. his facial expressions were absolutely priceless. then he started fingering me, i felt a little embarassed becuase i wasnt that wet (give me a break, i was nervous and still a bit drunk off kaluah, its not as easy to get wet whilst drunk) and on top of that im not clean shaven becuase cody likes that, but my vag felt uncommonly tight, and id like to think ive got a rather tight one, i wasnt even sure if hed get his fingers in. usualy this is a sign that im not turned on enough to be doing someting sexual, but thats wrong becuase i realyl wanted to sleep iwth him.

i thought about faking an oragism, but i decided not too, plus what he was doing felt incredible anyway and i didnt want him to stop just becuase he thought i d finished. this whole time iw as still just wokring the head, his dick wasnt pulled out far enoguh to really stroke shaft or balls. ( i couldnt pull it out further, what if someone came outside?!?)

i remember opening my eyes a lot, and a few times i saw his eyes open too.

i didnt think he was really enjoying it all that much, but then in an incredible moment he actaully came! ahahah he got jiz all over me and himself and stacys couch. (ahahahhahahhaahha, jeff pointed to a cum stain on my shirt and said, eew you gotta stain, i almost busted out laughing)

anyway, he came but we didnt stop fooling around instantly, he fingered me for maybe a minute more and then stopped but we still kissed for about another minute. then we just stopped, cuddled up again, said nothing (which was a little awkward) and started watchign some lame wanna be dragon ball z thing.

to this point, its safe to say i was estatic.

but then i fucked it up. i always fuck it up.

i decided ive been waiting too long to say it, and i just had to come out wtih it. i asked him if he wanetd to know a secret, he said sure, and i said i kinda like you. not a whole lot, dont get too excited, but a little.

i dont remember what he said back, i think it might been something like
oh, im excited

but it wasnt in a real way. he didnt say anythign after that. it was rejection by silence i think.
hence the sad part.

watched the lame show for a bit more
then he fell asleep

now thinking back on it, i should asked him if he wanted to have a cigarette, fuck i shoulda done that. maybe we wioulda talked then.

so he fell asleep, me still resting on his chest.

i moved his arm when i thought he was good and asleep and slept on my side. i remember him waking up ( in the morning) i sorta meanly grabbed the blanket and cuddled with it. not to be mean, i just was horrified for a second that he could see my sleeping and i always look like such a douche while sleeping, with a blanket i can at least half hide my face. and hten i think he went outside, i promptly passed out again and when i woke up he was sleeping on the couch.

in the mornign him and jeff were talking outside and i went out to join him, and me and him do that magical thing of pretending absolutely nothing happened. we did it all day, any time he paid me the least bit of attention id get excited, but my mind was still on the rejection.

its a sad thing, he finds me sorta attractive, but not enough, and not nearly as much as he does meredith or desere, and i think he finds my personality allright, just not worthy of wanting to spend to much one on one time wtih me.

rejection on all accounts!

im usually just dealing with one or the other.
chris i wasnt hot enough for
cameron i wasnt interesting enough for

but this is both so its unfortunate a little more.

so im at a stand still, im a firm believer in once youve been legitimately rejected you stop embarassing yourself, grow a pair, and get the fuck over it.

now that might seem contradictory as in with cameron, but thats becuase the kid kept saying it was his parents divorcing and not me, and thats not real legitimate rejection. for a whhile i actaully believed him that it was just a bad time instead of the fact that im terribly boring and have nothign interesting to say.

but i think rejection by silence can be a firm and consice rejection. plus the next mornign he was trying to make it to out to jeff that he was drunk last ngiht or simply too tired to think, which is a clever way of absolving all responsibility for his actions while at the same time explaining to me indirectly that he was just fucked up, not actaully interested. which was wasted, i was fairly certain hed never like me anyway. and id never be enogh of a dumb bitch to be mad at him.

so the rest of the day went by and that was that.

im really really hoping hell write me something on myspace or facebook to discuss it a bit. way better yet would be if he asked me to meet him somewhere and actaully talk about it.

but im more than certain none of the above will happen

which is horrible because that sets me up for making an ass of myself and bringing it upwith him when he mostl likely just wants to forget it and not speak of it ever again.

and i dont, ever, want to be a pathetic person still hung up on someone who rejected them. its one thing to still be hung up on them ( i mean you cant really help it) but you should at least have the dignity to not bring it up wtih them again and make them more clearly reject you.

but of course, the down fall of all naive people.

maybe it wasnt as clear of a rejection as i thought?

it would be nice to ask someone, but who the fuck would i ask? and two id be embarassed to tell anyone the story anyway.

ahh

such is the life of an elf

okay i just have to write this quick, its freaking me out so much that i even used adams computer which negates me fear of people reading my blog, but ill live, plus theres a password, i think i need to update that soon, why i didnt just subscribe it for life i dont know, how much of a dumb fuck am i?

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paranoia resolved, i can now begin

i hope he doesnt have pandoras box, but i dont think he does

how fucking scary?

anyways, so johns here and im bugging the fuck out

why in gods name should he make me so nervous around him?
i dont know exactly why i should have to write this all down
i thought it would make me feel less nervous. im drinkjing and still nervous
the only thing i wanna do is tell adam how nervous i am,
i wonder if they can tell? i am quieter when hes around, maybe thye can tell?

doesnt matter, they already have hundreds of suspicions, each as unlikely as the next.

i think im gonna tell him today, pending there is an oportunity that i like him

months of writing stupid meaningless shit and i might actaully come out and say something

hahaha
come.

god i write a lot of stupid shit, please please adam, if for some reason writing on your computer fucks me over, please dont read this?
please?

ive never asked soemthign so sincere;ly.
id hate for peopel ro realize my life, a;l the thoughts in my head tend to narrow around boys i like. it makes me feel like a 12 year old girl. id like to think i had more substance to me than that, but i dont.

im neither a snowflake
nor a pile of shit

were all alike in the end, even if each is unique, beucase we can still be all classified together.

peculiar?

indeed.

im not sure what im even writng anymore for.

christ i like him.

im not even sure why.

this decision seems oh so important

it actaully seems like the most important decsion ive ever had to make,

maybe thats why i havent made it yet?

im buzzed at this point but writing makes me feel better
i dont wanna stop, i just want to go on and on and on and on

im not even sure if it boils down to satying waht i wanna say or simply feeling my fingers movng against the keyes

thats also peculiar

there are oh so many things that are peculiar.

i hope no one reads this, god i hope.

id just die inside/

nobody should be alloud to know all the stupod shit you think about

i remeber someone say, in a book or movie, that you should never put in wriitng anythign you dont want known,
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but ive come to realize that the real harm is in saying anythign you dont want the whole world to know.

i wish so much i had somoen, just anyone i could tell things that mattered to me.

but it always, always fucks me up in the end.

thus i come here, its still in wriitng, a risky endevour, but i attempt

im running out of things to say

what it cmoes down to is im nervous as fuck.

oh yeah, hey blog, guess what?

adam likes me too now. what a clustfuck i lead.

they say you can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some time, but never all the people all the time.

ive gone a while fooling all the people (people pertaining to my existence that is) into thinking im not wretched/

but i believe saying are almost truth. so many people have learned the lesson the hard way so they make a saying into it. if it happened for all those people, i cant imagien myself being special enough to come to the same fate.

thus, ive fooled all the people for all the time ive known them. but you cant fool all the people all the time, so assuredly i can rest uneasily knowing they soon will come to realize whom and what i am.

one fucked up person who is infact horrible

lets hope its not soon

i acutally like them.

oyveigh.

ill end saying,

im missing his second hand smoke, it was always making me choke, my life has never seemed more like a joke

ah, if nothign more i can always make  simple (fuck spanish) a and b rhyme schemes.

thank you black rabbit,
id love to meet you some day

fuck maybe yuoll be able to keep a secret! and id have someone to talk to!! that would be nice.

she lies and swears shes in love with him, cant find a better man. cant find a better man.

ive discovered something.

see i dont even need a shrink. ive had a break through. see i use to be determined that i had no porblems or even if i did that i could deny them and never seek help buecase those who seek help are a mkockery. if theres something wrong with you then it must be fixed. but if you go to someone else to fix it then your not ashamed of whats wrong with you. if youre an incorrect person then you should be ashamed of that. thus if you go to someone for help then you cannot possibly be ashamed of whats wrong with you, and if your not ashamed then there realyl isnt anything wrong with you and you are just looking for attention. and that is asinine.
 
so it seemed for the longest time that even if your unhappy you must live with taht and that is simply your cross to bear beuacse to go to someone makes you a mockery. if i was a mockery i couldnt respect myself. and i need to at least respect myself if nothing else. you can hate somethign and still resepct it. respect is a funny thing.

so agagin, i was just goign to make do. but im not always that clever, id like to think im good at proving things and following the steps of logic. i was so good at proofs in geometry. but i missed one and its oh so obvious. this isnt a catch twenty two though it may appear that way

as far as men go ive discovered something.

the problem is
im not sure how to word it. i feel unwanted in life. im unsure. i feel as though i dont belong anywhere. i feel likea polly pocket with a square base. i think it might be associated with acute paranoia. not necessaritly a problem, just a trait, like people with ocd. this acute paranoia, which i implore is no exaggeration, is rarther handy. it allows you to think multiple steps ahead. for see problems before they occur and plan accordingly. its nice, sorta like never being cuagh off gaurd. the bad thing is that sometimes i worry too muhc. like now. i had to explain, no to implore, that my paranoia is no exaggeration on the basis that ssomeone somehow might hack into this blog, read that particular statement and judge me accordingly. which would all be quite uinfortunate, despite how likely any of that is to happen. this was going soemwhere. oh yea so this accute paranoia causes these feelsing of isolation to grow. even when im not alone i think that those around me no longer want me there. that i need to leave in order to not annoy them. and thats probably not always paranoia. im odd. it annoys people more often than not.

so thats the problme the effects of teh problme are much worse. i frist try to be everything to everyone. im like a chameleon. im not even sure what i like anymore, except stephen king, i love him. but anyways. many things i only start liking to make firends or to impress someone. usualyl not even people im intereseted in dating, just epopel i want to like me. somehting i dont lke at all or believe and ill say i do, its not that bad., i dont do it excessively, but still. things i do like i pretend not to.

i want people to lkike me. i even feel better in life when i know multiple guys, none of whom ill date like me, beucae it makes me feel like someone wants my company. but i genuinely do care about them and dont wannt to hurt them

which entails the next problem. this feeling of iusolatiuon goes away when i spend time around some people. if i know these peopel like me or ayt least enjoy my company than i cant get the paranoid feeling that they dont want me around., and thats nice. and if theyre upset in life, even if its something small then im going to try to help them with that. becuase no one should be uspetand people will lke you more if you help them out. so i tiry to help. but that bonds people. once bonded i feel comfortable around htem. i can tell them most things, even though i still refrain from sayin ghte oimportant things, ican hang out with them all the time, talk or hours, drivie anywhere  do anything, and its alright.

but thats all most gusy are looking for in women and once they find it in me they think they like me when in reality its lthe same as liking whatever a color a chameleon is. you only like the color cuz its making the colr yy like. it might really be brown. and who likes brown?

its not that i mean to hurt poeople, i just dont think about the lasting effects.

solution?

im going to start thinking of the lasting effects

i imagine it a slow proceess full of trial and error,but ill get there, and in the end itll be worth while

and thats thinking about the lasting effects.

now thats progressive.

jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiist
deny your maker…

so im back here again… why im not sure, im watching

that song is alone, it sound likes he singing somewherecompletely secluded, not indoors though.

i like it.

its been a while since ive wirtten here. and surprise surprise, it fucked my life up.

im ashamed with myself, but not even for my actions, i can lifve knowing that im not good. thats okay. if everyone was good that would be the same as if no one was. and thats not fair. youhave to have bad epople. to appreciate the good ones. prepositions cant stand on their own. For as much as i neglect grammar, it’s always on my mind.

im ashamed that people know. for good poeple they feel ashamed whenver they do wrong. not me. I only feel ashamed when people know ive done wrong, im okay if its kept a secret.

idontknow if bad people are born or if theyre made. i dont like talkikng like this i feel like jeff. but i can at least priode myself that i dont post it in fucking bulletins, thats something i suppose.

such a pretty song.

im disgusted when i talk about my life. anything about it. its not who i am. maybe ill write it down one day, like this only better, and ill publish it, under ian wright, and then i wont be ashamed that i said it out loud, but ill feel better for having said it.

im such a stupid fuck. i use to say i didnt have an addictive personality. and maybe i dont. but i did that morning, it was so nice, telling someone somehting that mattered. i talk so goddamn much but i hardly care about any of it. i cant even remember saying whatever it was that seemed so important that mornign. but it felt like such a weight off my chest. so relieving.

they use to cut people and let the blood drain form them whnen they had high fever. and they honestly believe it worked. thats what it felt like. simply too much bloood running through my veins, and letting it out, relieving that pressure, it was, nice.

but heres why i am a stupid fuck. it wasnt like bleeding youself, it was bleeding myself. and while it seems like an almost good idea, it kills the patient in the end. you need your blood. you cant go sharing it with other people. i need to keep whomever or whatever i am out of sight, becuase even though its nice having gotten rid of it, i still need it to survive.

i wont be making these ridiculous mistakes again. its not even that i have to deal iwth the situation. its just the constant reminder that there is no one for me. i iked the feeling so much, talking to someone, i felt so intuned. so connected to everyhone. it was mercerism only without the empathy box. i felt, fuck, i felt normal. i felt like it was okay.

its sad seeing something everyone else hve and taking it for granted.

im not trying to be difficult when i say this. its not that i have trust issues. theres just no one to be trusted.

and like i said before, i just hate people knowing.

reality is perception and i whole heartedly beleive it. someone might say spinach is disgusting and i could come over and say, so and so thinks its disgusting, but in raelity its not half bad.

but thats not right. so there is a reality, it just exists in everyones individual minds. and the only way for somethign to truely be real is if everyone (or for all intensive purposes) the great vast majority must all believe it is one way or another.

right now, i know exactly what i am. i dont like it. but its all mine. and im certain no one else will like me either. but so long as no one has to know, i can take comfort in the fact that it cant be a fact yet, becuase so many people are easily fooled. but stuff like this? it just adds to the list, more people who know, more people. the list grows ever shorter.

i really dont mean to be bad,
im just drawn that way.