On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

im an individual who is very wrong on multipe levels.
just incorrect.

=asdfasflksjdfhasdlfhsdafhsadfjh
ksdjfhalkjsdhflkjsdahflkjsdhfkjasdhf
lkfjhsdlkjfhsdaklfhljksdhfljksadhfa
kjadhflkdsahflkjshdfjklhasdlkjfhasjdfh
hasdlkjfhklasdjhflksdjhflkjsahdflkjsadhf
dnfhaslkjdhfjklasdhfkjasdhfkjasdhflkasjdfh
jashdhflkajsdhfkljashdfjkaslhdfjhaskjdlkas
jsdflkhaskdhflkjadshfk;jlasdhflashdf
jsdhlfaksjdhfjkasdhfjasdhlfkaskhfljsadhfkldjs
sdfhlkasdhfkadslfkjhsdlakfhajskldfhlkjads

okay, paranoia is allieved

alright, so jenny thinks theres a chance that ryan likes me.

see the funny thing, is we both read his myspace bulletin about liking someone, were both myspace stalkers.

and i thought it was her beucase he talks to her all the itme!!!! and then she said she thought it was me because he said this in a message to her

“Well to be technical, I’m second eldest because I also have a step sister who is 7 months older that myself. But I don’t really count her cause she’s never around, and I really don’t like her much because she’s a bro-ho slut. :/ But I digress. Oh and her name is Kaliegh (kay-lee) So a common name with an uncommon spelling. It seems my parents and step parents alike enjoy cursing their kids with retarded spellings of names. But yeah, Ashley expressed you were the baby the other night and I laughed some She also said your drawings look like cyclops’. ahaha I think I worry too much of what she thinks, but there’s a much longer story as to why. And I’m not sure I should say this, but Cameron is one of my best friends who she used to work with and consequently had somewhat of a fling with? nothing serious of course. From what I understand she liked him, but he’s a pussy and doesn’t put himself out there. I mock him for it basically every day. ahahah Glad I’m not stcuk with Robin status, I’d like to think I can pull my own weight. I guess I feel that way in front of Ashley though because she tends to gravitate towards Cameron and doesn’t seem to too interested in me ahaha I guess I turn boring when she’s around.”

ah! now heres the problem usually if theres a boy who likes me and i lknow i cant date him, i feel stressed, unhappy, overall all bad.

only i dont feel like that. in fact, i cant seem to get this information off my mind. and i know its bad, b ecuase when i picked what was most important to write about today, i picke dthis stuff iwth ryan and not that i finally talked to cameron (via text about why we broke up) ohme by the way that went like this:

me:your oging to love the new south park
cam:to bad we dont have cable
me: ah! i dont think its as funny as some of the older ones, but i think youll enjoy the overall premis.
cam:whats it about
me:the indiana jones movie
cam:lol thats awesome
me: especially since the south park people apparently also thought it was an abomination. theres a storm trooper in it to!
cam: i think they stole the script from me
me: those assholes! but wait, theres no homoerrotic love scene in levis, i dunno if its yours
cam: that part didnt make it past the 2nd draft
me” that was my favorite part! i thought you and john would have been perfect. you would have been the one receiving of course.
cam: i know, i know thats how you make it to the top
me:psssh im sure when your with john your already on top.
cam:lol so true.
me: so this is why oyu dont have a girlfriend! it explains so much.
cam: sure, you caught me
me: you know im knida impressed , i woulda thought john would have higher standards
cam: im the highest of high
me: i vehemently disagree, see i ve seen johns ass, and its not bad, thats a big thing in the gay community, (aka vultures of culutre) i have seen your ass but im not sure if its as good…
cam: is that a challenge!?! i dont have much of an ass but what i have is grade a!
me: well i wouldnt know!
cam: well you should! its hard to miss.
me: its easy to miss since you never get naked
cam: i have to pick my time carefully, it could be dangerous.
me: dont lie! you never pick times, you just avoid it entirely. there were times i was disappointed in your unwillingess to get naked!
cam:like when?
me: well i shouldnt be talking about this at all but im drinking and it always made me curious
cam: I could say the same thing about you. We are on level ground.
me:really?
cam:youre body language is very obvious (((note, shouldnt that say “was”…?)
me:hmm, well its unfortunate were figuring this all out now
cam: well thats the way of the world
me: so you think we “dated” correct?
cam:we “saw” each other. Never official.
me: but you still told cody we dated, which always leads to the question, who the uck broke up with who?
cam: I never said that. Plus we “drifted”
me: oh well then that was your fault.
cam:lol, it was no ones fault.
me: again i shouldnt be asking but im curious, why didnt you want to date me??
cameron: I always wanted to but I’m not very good at it. I had things that needed sorting out. Life just needed a shove. I just has to deal with it one shove at a a time.
me:mmmk it just always ade me curious, il stop asking you uncomfortable questions now, but thanks for answering, it really did fuck me up for a while.
cam: I’m sorry if i hurt you. I won’t let it happen again.
me: dont worry i dont have much feeling like most poeple, so dont feel to bad. but its all nice to know
cam:Glad it helps. Good night.
me: night bum

and thats that.

i should never talk to these people ever

in a few years im probably going to look ridiculous to these people, the dumb bitch who couldnt amke up her mind so she just bounced from guy top guy. and none were stupid enough to actaully date her.

wow.
whta a horrible way to be remembered…

pues
mora certa, vita incerta.

oh yeah, ryan wrote this in a bulletin, i dont know if he wrote it or what, but i liked it

insults falling from you ceiling
Motels where you’re fucking without feeling
daydreams bobbing in a shattered sea
fake leaves shake like deceit on your tongue
desperate mothers devoured by young
hold on to love you learned to despise
like an ocean choking on its own tide.

i thought that jenny had stolen my identity. but i was wrong.

im prettyc ertain now, given the manner in which im writing, the calm resigned fact, that i dont belong to any of the things people give themselves to. wherein lies, the chill realization, that nothing belongs to me either, save myself.

and such a term. save myself.

im feeling completely ostrascized. reject. special. nonsequiter, outlier, obtuse, obsolete. most of these words are only losely synonems or not at all. 

there appears to be no question about it anymore, i dont think im normal. in the most primal definition of the world. 

maybe this is what it takes to be an artist? an inspiration? maybe every artist suffered under this feeling. complete detachment from what he tried to replicate. doesnt all art replicate life? and if said artist preceived it wrong, or more correct to say,didnt perceive it at all. Then, art would just be what someone imagined what life was. A true artist would capture life only form his imagination, and maybe thats why his orks are so great. because nothign is ever as good as it can be imagined. he doesnt draw his inspiration from life. not from birds or trees, or water, or night and light. but from the desire to know such things. and why know them? becaseu its normal, and everyone wants to belong.

i feel suddenly seperated, by some great divide in myself. that who i was two moments prior and that who i am now. and they look very different across teh chasm indeed.

whats worse is nothign is reliable. tomorrow this feeling will be past. ill feel as though i can and most assuredly will join the world oen day. soemday. maybe even soon. if i try hard enough. i could. i will.

But ill come back to this feeling again someday. and becuase i predicted this would all happen, ill assume it amkes it all truth. but can predicting somethign really make it true?

in fact, we learn that form a young afge. test a hypthesis, if your hypothesis or prediciton eventaully comes to pass then the prediction as trtuh.

but how can you apply that to these circumstances?

i cant decide if im self detached or whether i was given a choice.

i think about my little child self sitting on the lawn lights on n 36th street feeling despondent. a word the child wouldnt have known the meaning of. alone. would hvae been more recognizable.

i dont think she had the choice, and if one shoudl have been presented to her im most certain she wouldnt chose the lawn light. but now, i sit under lights, street lgiths that is, and not on top of them. but this time i seek them out, thyre not simpy the only palce.

but did i have a choice. are you destined to repeat youself?

none of this is relevant.

ive strayed from whatever meant sometin.

this is all very bleak. but it could never be shared, it sounds so dramatic, but really. i implore upon a deaf audience, this si the opposite.

this is the palce that passion and love and tragedy and comedy have abanodoned. thigns dont come here to die, but they certainly dont come to live. the catholics got rid of it to enhance attendance. this is purgatory. this is where forgotten memoires reside, where bits of string, broken glass, and antique combs end up. and every once in a while, people. people end up here too.

i cant be sure but i dont think anyone is particularly fond of it.