On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

im terrified of growing old, its really true, im 19 and i feel like my life is almost over and that im aging already and i need to get a move on or it will be too late. this is scary. it makes me feel alone and frightened. it makes me want to cling to somebody, its makes me even more scared because now im afraid ill marry the first decent person i find beucase im afraid ill be alone, im just as afraid taht i wont marry anyone because ill assume when i meet them theyre not the right one and that i better keep looking and therefore pass up someone great.

i think id feel better about all this if i was in shape…

this is stupid, but i cant help it. its not becuase im obsessive and weird, im jsut big on blogging/diary/momentos/ridiculous stuff

thusly

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and here we go…

sept.3
-what did you send me?
-who is this?
-This is a late respone. Also it’s John
-yay, oh wait is this john harned, john bonnell, or one of the many other johns i know?
-Bonny!
-yay, what did i send you?
-It was like 6 in the morn n the day yuo all smoked the pot. And you send me something very vague?
-hmm this is a mystery becuaes i didnt smoke with them and my phone was already lost at that point
-Well that might be the answer.
-No that makes it more of a mystery than ever! i wanna know who found my phone and used it to text you instead of giving it back to me…
-It was something like delivery period lapsed, for some phone number, probably yours.
-Oh i see, well then that makes sense
-Yeah, but I’ve never had anything like that sent to me. I also thought you had my number, and my video came up when I called.
-Well i did, but i lost my phone and all my contact, which by the way you should send me that video again
-Oh ok now i understand. What’s it worth to you?
-well lets see, i already owe you a pie so my next bargaining chip is a lap dance
-Ooh, me gusta!
-yeah, fine fine fine. You’re lucky to have this you know… (video)
       -Happy now?!
-yes, but youre a fool ill give you a lap dance, muahahahhahahaaha
-I get a lap dance. that works for me i guess.
- no wait, i meant to say youll never get a lap dance…
-You say that now…
-you think ill break down?
-I didnt say that exactly…
-okay, put your money where your mouth is, ill bet you 20 bucks i never give you a lap dance.
-You don’t want to know where i put my money,or my mouth. I’m not usually a betting man, but since you’ve bought me food a few times i guess we could be even. Done.
-I can guess where you put your money and unfortunatel i do know where you put your money, be prepared to lose 20 dollars
-Or do you know…? It’ll go to the john bonnell fund.
-You’re not going to get a lap dance!
-Ooh, I can’t wait.
-Your faith in yourself is misplaced
-Your faith is misplaced, that is why you fail
-No, no you will fail. Power! UNLIMITED POWER!
-oh john, youre a soar loser
-Sorry, too much sw lately
-Can there ever be to much?
-Sometimes there is. Like when you work at a video store and someone plays a least 3 of them per shift.
-I see
-But damn it do i enjoy it
-Well ive beenn thinking its about time for a star wars marathon, i was thinkign jeffs place, if youre up for it let me know
-I am always. Just need a heads up to plan
-so at jeffs and adams if they dont mind
-Yokay, sounds groovy. Hopefully no power outtages.
-Indeed, night bum
-Nigh night!
-

sept 5
-so were thinking sunday for sw marathon, woud that work for you?
-Probably not schedule wise
-mmk we can wait for whenever you can do it
-Go for it I don’t need to be there.
-All right have a fun sunday without beer and star wars, if you can…
-I really have both everyday. Good job rubbing it in
-Hey id prefer to wait for you but you said to go ahed.
-If you want to go ahead you can, but if you would like to wait that is cooler
-alright, just lemme know what works for you
-Will doodly do.
-You are such a nerd
-You like it
-maybe
-That’s what lap dances are for
-youre not getting a lap dance!
-Good thing we planned this thing together cause I’ll get star wars beer and a lap dance
-no lap dance!
-You’re pretty much already there
-fine, but if you want a lap dance next time we see each other you better look to toby, adam, or jeff
-Who said it had to be next time? I’m a patient man
-well you better have the paitents of a saint
-You never know my lap is warm and inviting…
-Yes but see, lots of people have warm inviting laps, what makes yours any more deserving?
-Wow, that was a very slutty statement
-Youre a very slutty statement!
-Well put

sept. 7
-youre missed
-I know I am
-well youre a face for not coming
-Thanks, announce my regards to them
-mmmk, youre a jawa for not coming
-Ootini!

i just realized this was incredibly noteworthy and i havent yet mentioned it here and even more so i havent yet realizedit was incredibly imporotabnt till just this moment~!

WHOA

thats just odd.

so odd it makes the actaulyl event seem less odd. anyways.

so the last three nights, ive ended up having a conversation with john.

oh lordy, i have to check my myspace now to see if hes commented back…
just whoa

really.

just whoa, wow, whoa.
im so flattered

but camerons back at levis

never a good thing

oh and ryan talked to me! i wonder if it woulda been easier liking him… probably not.

and oh im fucking cody.

really, i meant it
chingame por lado.

so heres the concerns, i am probably taking this out of context becuase he probably doesnt like me.
but just supposing he does, what if its just becase im dating cody?

jen had that theory, and shes not always wrong. he liked me when bode liked me. then didnt when no one did. now im dating cody, and vua la. ta da in english for the lay person.

oh and im totally fucked cuz im not goign to be doign my homework cuz this is more improtant

and i jsut ahd a sad revelation.

first revelation; im paranoid becuae despite this hing being password protected. im afriad, i could potentially really like john. but ive pt off that particular emotino unless somethign actaully happens there. which could work, only i suddenlt have a second revelation. soemting might happen here, or start, like with cameron.

but i tink itll be te same way. something about me is going to be lacking and nothign will happen. only when it happened with cameron, i had my small crsh on john to keep my mind off it. but if it happens with john,  there will be no distraction…

huh.

im definitely gonna fail this semester. fucking spanish. \

and i cant stop watchign scrubs

SLAGATHOR

ahahhahaha

oh wanna hear how desperate i am too make friends who seem like me?

ashleys posted several bulletin asking for anyone to respond or hang out. which i dont recollect her doing in the past. becuase i probably wolda jumped at teh opportnity only i cant now cuz i already talked to axxel today. but what if she wanted me to say something, cuz i can be anybody, sure i can!

but i sincerely dount that so i wont make a fool of myself.

okay i really need to start spansih paper. scary :/

illl do it inbetween talking to john

successful plan!

this is ashleys big ole empty excuse for a body

see also,
husk
shell
that one syndrome i can no longer recall the name of where a a cell cytoplasm pulls away from the membrane, ultimately destorying the cell.

ashley isnt all that concerend.

things that are of importance?

its almost frightening that everything seems of equal unimportance, what should be most frigtening is that its not all that frightening which is very common for me, but given my state of my being not all that frightened its not anymore frigthening either. and heres the kicker, that whole sentence and its validity should scare me shitless, but its does not. im simply not all that frightenend.

…so-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-oh

whats the story morning glory?

i realized something, stupid camerons persistent memory (persistencia de la memoria one might say…) finally has a cause, though it doesnt make me all that happy to have identified such. im pretty sure, given the amount i liked him and the severtiy to which i was rejected hes always gonna be that stupid mother fucker i look back on and wonder in some whimiscal and nauseatingly estregon filled moment, “what could have been… the one that got away” and when blood stops seeping between my legs and i realze with disgust that i do still ahve ovaries ill stop the whimisical thoughts. but still, its bound to happen sometime in the future. and what if that asshole makes me doubt my future husband or something? how dare he?

bloody hell.

but for once i have something actaully useful to say and i almost think i can nip this one i the ass before it becomes a big problem. all i have to do is think of the boys who might htink of me as the one that got away. and ill realize in my head that in no way shape or form would i ever be interested in them, ever.

see also:
justin
josh
jeff
possibly cody. (i never underestimate my power of disaster…)

now the good thing about this exorscize is that i simply apply my feelings of “never gonna happen” allow them to transcend my mind and juxtaposition them right next to cameron and imagine him saying them and then i feel crummy and no longer wanna like someone who thinks so poorly of me.

and hte best part of the exorcize is its most likely true!

so problem solved, quisas?

only my doubt of ever finding a comic book reading, qotsa listening too, star wars loving, incredibly attractive man again is making me rather frightened.

i swear to god, they simply dont exist. the only four ive met EVER are all most likely sitting under the same roof at the moment.
 
youve got

bode
axxel
stephen
bonny

bode is a no go, for obvious reasons.
axel is no because i get the feeling hed always make me feel inadequate. plus the emily thing. plus the ive never really talked to him thing, plus hes got a girlfriend, plus i get the distinct feeling he doesnt like me thing.
stephen is a no go becuase i simply know nothing about him. hes not terrible looking, and maybe i could date him, but frankly if i had to see him contantly next to bode id feel like i got the shorter end of the stick. (not just becuase of appearnace {titus isnt bad, its just bode is soooooo atttractive} but beucase of persoanlity too, i likede bode first, so id most likely always like him more)
and then theres johnny bonny. all has been said on him that needs to be said. hes the only guy i can ever imagine being with and not giving a flying fuck about bode.

so thats one thing of semi impotance in the long list of things that arent all that important

next is

i want a pretty face
i want a pretty body

whine time!
i fucked cody last night and it went terribly because his small almost flacid penis had the hardest time penetrating my too tight vagina. i swear to god, never did i ever think to myself that id be happier for a wide vagina, just so the damn thing could go in.

and then it kept slipping out.

and he didnt come

and the whole thing was a disaster.

its makes me sad to think about it. and oddly, i feel incredibly embarrassed by the whole thing.

im not quite sure why, i just do.

actaully, i know why,
how in gods name can a virgin not come his first time during sex?

i feel horrible because it was his first time and he didnt get to do the ONE THING that your suppose to do, the best part. his first time and i robbed him of that becuae i suck at sex

in my defence it wasdamn hard working wirht a almost flacid penis. but still i shoulda been able to last longer and i definitely shouldnt have gotten all weepy eyed just becuase im not sexually appealing enough for my boyfriend to get a normal hard on.

plus i think i bent it a few time :S

the whole thing was sad, i dont think i can even have sex with him again, i feel so bad for makig him waste his first time on such a horrible experience with me.

sigh.

ultra sigh.

and thats all i gotta say about that.

imgoing o waste my life some more watching scrubs.