On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

coo’

so out of the blue im angry again about this cameron thing. random as shit, but still.

it was this stupid comercial, something about getting a new large screen computer moniter when you sign up for blah blah blah.

which is all fine and dandy. only it startingly brought back this huge moment of deja vu cameron telling me his mom was getting him a big present for christmas and he really was hoping it was another big computer moniter (for what reason, i dont know) and then his being a little disappointed when it was only a new bed.

and that just brought all this stupid stuff back. it should have been over between us a year ago, and had that been that case i would no longer be thinking of him ever. that would have been more polite. instead of starting it back up in chrismas and then stopping it again (embitterment) and now im in the state im in. you fuck-tard.

ugh, just thinking about it starts pissing me off. he really did start it back up, i made it clear i was available, yes. however he actaully started it. i remember it perfectly, there is no question as to whose fault it was. i was just minding my own sweet buisness, i dont remember which day it was exactly, christmas or the day after. anyways, he texts me and asks how my christmas was, and that my friends was the text that opened the whole can of worms. and cameron lewis bode you are not were half the trouble you have caused me!

it is so incredibly unfair that this still bugs me and i still feel rather rejected and most likely will for years to come. i cant help it. its not that he should feel flattered, i dont have feelings for him per se. its simply that i hate the extent to which i feel rejected. unworthy. ugly. boring. shitty.

and he doesnt have to feel like this at all!

its simply not fair i tell you. why should i have gotten the short end of this stick? ugh, so unfair. you know, in all reality, he started it both times.

ridiculous. 

can we go to the planet-arium again? please??
 oh yeah, i can do this still!

…deja vu…

deja vecu:: so this morning i got up and drove the suburban around anthem until i was in a part i didnt recognize or at least know very well; i parked my car next to a park and began walking. before i turned on my ipod i had a distinct feeling it was going to be playing “Whats up?” by 4-non blondes. i turned on the ipod and sure enough it was playing, the volume was up so loud i couldnt hear anything but the song. I looked behind me expecting to see a car and and a white pick up drove past, the window was rolled down and i knew he was going to throw a cigarrette butt out the window. the butt flew back into the bed of the truck.

deja visite:: i turned down streets, some i recongized, most i did not. the majority were all named someting patriotic and uplifting. i came across majesty and turned right, i walked down a little ways found an opening to the next street over through a little wash and went that way, i knew to back track a few feet to the next cross street and turned left, i cut across a park ive never been to before walked up the street and knew my car would be there.

Presque vu:: trent reznor was singing hurt though the speakers of my ipod while i was driving back home, i could sing every lyric if asked. i knew some author had once quoted this song in his book. some author… some author. it was, you know, a sad book. and it really fit well, it was… fuck.

l’esprit de l’escalier::

so yeah that was random. im pareticularly bored this evening. nothign particularly enthralls me i almost wish i had gone to the movies or to codys only the problem with that is neither of those places particularly intrests me in the slightest, its simply that there there will be a distraction of the human variety as opposed to the glowing box category composed at the moment of my computer and the television playing scrubs.

im getting tired

of value in life lately?

i kill, a lot lately.

i collect record vinyls, ive spent about 500 dollars on it so far. whew.

i kill my mind every night by sitting on my couch for hours watching family guy, simpsons, futurama, venture brothers, yada yada yada, and looking for new vinyls on ebay, and reading peoples myspace bulletins

what sort of life is this?

and im dating cody

these are in order of importance
major annoyance as of late?
the fucking cursor on my computer keeps deciding to move randomly so its taking about an hour to write any one sentence, fuck me.

and im doing htat thing where im convincing myself ill be happier in tempe.

oy vey

but i kinda like cody, thats good.

only i hear him saying the phrase, i couldnt give too shits about [insert something here]

and yeah, that bugs me.

fuck me for saying it but i already believe it so im might as well say it.
its going to be better in tempe, i know it just has too. ill be busy all the time, its got to be distracting at worst, which would be quite the improvement.

ive decided my only worth is my body. same as any other woman. how pretty my face is, how framing my hair is, how deep my eyes are, how clear my skin is, how high me cheek bones are, how narrow my nose is, the cut of my jaw line, the length of my eye lashes, how white my teeth are, how lucious my lips are, how long my neck is, how prominent my collar bone is, how toned my back and arms are, how big and shaped my breasts are, the coloring of my nipples, the lines that define my stomach, the v that marks the decent of my vagina, the curvature of my butt, the gap inbetween my thighs, the muscle in my calfs. the overall palor of my skin. and thats all i am.

thats all ill ever be, throw in a few well placed freckles and i could reach any womans complete potential.

and the kicker is? all i am is  very unsatisfactory.

and theres not too much i can do to become more.

i wish i wasnt born a woman.