On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

so rigth now ive just been thinking about the rewriting the divine comedy. actaully im fairly certain that the only one that would do any good would be the inferno, but i want all of them done, even if nodoby liked them.

anyway, at the moment heres what im thining

the main chacater is obnviously going to be male
‘19-25
white
smoker
sufering from indecision

the sort of weird and fanciful plan  is to have him walking down a street on a rainy day and slip through one fo the cracks in the street and end  up in hell.

yeah, sure its rather reminiscient of alice tumbling down the rabbit hole,  bustupit i think its a lot better than him having a stupid dream or being in a coma like every other story of this kind.

anyways, ill have to study the divinie comedy before
however, to the best of my recollection, its starts with the carnal sins.

the idea here isnt to use the same layering of hell but to use current day punishments for current day crimes.

the first i want them to meet is a couple (im not certani what theyre carnal sin is going to be yet… maybe cheating, who knows?) anyways, itll be the same as in dante iwth a few more details. theyll be doomed to fuck forever, but neitehr of them will ever come or be satisfied. im thinking theyre sin will be that the woman was a shitty mother who only ever fucked random guys and neglected her children. maybe theyll have to hear a child constantcrly crying. i dont know this the hte least developed one.

anyways, our next victim, muahahhahaha,

is a real fuck up. he never added nothing to the world and died at 32. he lived alone and jerked off to pictures of little kids. he never hurt them or even saw them in real life but he never did jack shit but jack off ether. his hell will be jerking it for the rest of eternity.

knuckles will be white and stretched and his hand will be knarled into a fist, his dick would be red and chaffed with white soars the ejaculate white puss, and reform where teh head meets the shaft. 

 stop for a second.

we need a guide, i want to get rid of the love story all together.

but i still need a guide, i think it going to be a girl. very fair. very pale with light brown, almost colorless hair. im torn between what color eyes, but theyll be pale. shell give him her name as soon as he gets down there. hell misshear her and think her name is virgin, which will seem right, in the end she’ll tell him her name is actaully vigil.

shes going to be completely calm, and im thinking about making her only speak in terza rehyma rhyme scheme so as to keep some of the original text in tact. itll be her own words though. my own words.

it just occured to me there should be a fat person

the next is my favorite, the one ive thought about the most

this ones going to be an addict. a real waste.

his hell will just be laughing. his skin will be flaking off and his body will be a waste. hell have laughed so much his lips hallow cheeks will split along an invisible seam and make his smile wide and gaping. whats best about him is his  dialogue. hell talk in word salad. On his back half popping out, sewn into his skin, ruptering the skin, muscle twisting around and actaul monkey on his back. hell be laughin witht that big gaping smile and say its a divine fucking comedy

theyll still have to go theough the ice and the giant devil

im thinking about making his third mouth however be a part of everyone soul epitomized in some known historical figure that way everyoen is in some part paying for their sins.

so ive decided if i ever want to be a writer ive got to get a bit more serious about it and actaully talk about it.

if not out loud then at least here. it sounds lame even hear. unrealistic.

but they say if you say something out loud your 10% more likely to achieve it, so here goes nothing.

im ashley roberts, i might not be the smartest crayon in the box but a few people suspect i might have talent and writing is one of the few thigns taht brings me any real pleasure.

i want to be a writer.

novels, stories, essays, epics, articles, books, novelas, short stories, series.

im not too picky, but in particular, novels, short stories and series.

as of right now ive got two ideas, they even feel like new ideas… not for plot lines or stories, but just because.

and that feels right, ever detail there, collecting them.

…actaully, what feels best about this is that i wasnt thinking about writing when these whims strolled across my mind. its the same bullshit that i always wonder about.

anways, supposing you died. and you saw some life moving image what would it be.

im thinking it would be an oceans foam, then the cold water lapping it, then the icy balck water beneath that. then the hard outline of coral reef, crusted with sea life. then the barnacles and clams beneath that. and beneath that is some cheap plate, discarded lord know how long ago. painted gold. beneath the paint just plane pewter. and beneath that?

and then after taht.

the idea that humans even have an idea what an idea is…

ive decided the key to stories is the characters, plots come second. which makes perfect sense, people make their situations.

ive always thought you had to start with the plot and develop from there, now i think ill just start making people up. i think ill be damned good at that. theres plenty of inspiration.

…if you ever find out, ever in find out, whats at the heart? i dont know-oh-oh oh oh-oh oh oh oh oh-oh oh oh oh

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yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

okay.

just texts i prefered to save because im nastalgic and not because im insane.

it really does worry me this could be considered psycho or stalker tendencies but i swear to god its just that i like the idea that i can always look back on something that was a big deal to me on some idle day.

which is why i kept texts from justin even after we broke up, not because i was still interested in him but becasue i figure someday it will be interesting to read back on what we use to say to each other and remember a part off what it was like being with him. i like having a way to relive something. which is why i keep texts.

anyways

me-nicotine, valium, vikoden, marijuanan, extacy and alcohol, cuh cuh cuh cuh cuh cocaiiiiiiiiin
reply- thats what im saying!
me- i knew you would appreciate that!
reply- im pretty aquontable plus who else knows every lyric to every QOTSA song ever made?
me-eh, i figured ryan could give you a run for your money
reply-Yeah, exactly Ash, but other than that I am one of the most die hard!
me-([i cant remember everything i said here])how did you know this was my number? i just got yours from jeff
reply- i doubt that. Also whos else has the same dialogue as you?
me- i dont really remember what i said :/
reply- The only one to give me a challenge is Axxel, but you can be caught out of a rain storm
me- dont remember
reply- well he is most ibsessed
me- so what are you up to?
reply- Well ive been kicked out of the apartment so im drunk enjoying the soup
me- wait how did that happen??
reply- yeah was too… Just have everyone call me if they want to know

good long while later, months.

text-Bow chick a bow wow
(my response a few days late due to broken phone)
me- i actaully dont remember what i said…
reply- um yeah ok!
me- i cant really remember but osmehitng about how he had texted me bow chick a bow wow earlier
reply- Haha, yeah now i remember i was having fun and wearing that shirt
me- what shrit?
reply-yeah the one from red vs. blue. That is oneof my party shirts. i guess im wearing it next time.
me-alright good plan, see you then
reply- Will do my lady

and just a texts to randomly remind me that there were a few insane boys who cared for me at this stage in my life,

josh- ash your amazing, like really amazing.
next text- i now this is probably unwarented but i love you

and then from justin as fo recent, same week in fact
text-I love you Ashley. Its just who you are and the way you talk to me

i said shit goddamn

i wihs i had been born a man.

and thats what it is.

why the fuck did i buy that shit??? what a cluster fuck predicament i created now. its not so much that the actaully cd is the problem, its that its brought up the ever fucking dilemma….

INDECISION 2008!!

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okay.

cameron?
john?

it doesnt matter at this point, it honestly doesnt. i didnt give a damn until this qotsa CD/album came up and then i couldnt decide whom to give it to. i didnt even see it as a parallel to real life i promise. i saw the cd, with no one in mind i purchased it, thinking, i know several qotsa fans ill give it to someoen for a birthdya or christmas, or who gives a fuck, ive got to buy it cuz its here and apparently oh so rare. so bam, bought it. first i wasnt sure, was inbetween john or jeff. i figured john would want it more but jeffs birthday is closer. not a big problem, i could deal iwth it when it arises. but then bode was leaving. so i thought mabye him. so it was still inbetweem jefff, john, and now bode. not horrible. then jeff said he flat out didnt want it and to give it to one of them… so he out of the running. and now it became a problem…

john or cameron?

this is a real problem, because id still go with john just becuase he was the plan originally with jeff. only im afriad that whomever i choose it will seem like im hitting on them. its okay if i hit on cmaeron, hes not fucking any of my friends and people already think i was pathetically attracted to him, what do i give a fuck if more people think so?

but at the same time, what does bother me is cameron will think i still have a thing for him, which is half sorta true. but he can be a real ass and i dont think i want to give him that sort of satisfaction. his littl superiority complex bugs me enough as is, id hate the idea hed better his already incredible sense of self esteem at my cost. i hate smugness, i dont want to further it anymore than i have to.

so john right?

only no, if i do that it only a.) prolongs my silly crush when i should really just drop that. b.) appears as though im hittig on him, which gives me hell to pay with jen and kal. and c.) emily would be hurt.

so no one. right?

fuck.

…okay, im thinking ill just give cameron a carton of cigarettes for leaving and hold onto qotsa till johns birthday. but as adams birthdya is the same time ill just get him something hella nice and people wont htink im hitting on either of them. or maybe both. but i doubt the latter.

im going to be alone forever :/

i really dont think im dependent on a relationship, ive been alone for almost a year now and it hastn been too bad. its just, i like having a boyfriend. i like being a girlfriend. i like being able to buy them presents just because, which is where this CD thing came from. i bought it out fot he habit that im just aloud to do nice things for osmeone without it being weird, only it is weird.

i like having someone to do stuff for… thats mostly like odd. very odd. i shouldnt live to just want to make someone else happy. but i do. i dont know why. im sure theres somethign wrong with me. its not so much thtat i have to. its just that i feel happier. i like doing that. it makes me feel good. i dont think its anymore unhealthy than smoking or fucking a lot or drugs or alcohol. its just doing what makes you most happy. and that does.

it makes me feel like i might not be a whole person. that in a way im dependent upon thtat person becaue without tehm im unhappy. but i dont think thats true. if it was i wouldnt be able to function without a relationship or i wouldnt have ever broken up wtih justin….

what bothers me is i know im ridiculously picky.

which is amazing for a not very attractive run of the mill uncharasmatic, personality deficient girl.

but either i want one of them or someone like them. but theyre so rare. so hard to find someone like that.

everyoen else seems so…

eew

thats the only word for it. i want a guy who wants to wait in line for the dark knight at 12am. ik want a guy whos read the comic. i want a guy who doesnt have to point out a deep conversation. someone who just says something beucase it needs to be said, not to sound deep or meaningful. a guy whos read a few decent books. who could talk about them maybe. a guy who can have fun, someone laid back. i dont want to have to go out all the time. i like being able to stay home and play video games. i like the idea of being taught how to play them. i want a guy who doesnt listen to shittastic music. that shouldnt be such a big deal but it truely is. im tired of shitastic music, very very tired. i want someone who doesnt claim to have ti all figured out, i fucking hate that. why not just admit you dont know? why do you have to act as though you have it all together. why do alll guys do that? it bothers me, id feel so much less annoyed/imtimidated if youd admit that you dont know exactly where life is going and maybe you dont know what you want to be or you dont know how things are going to work out.

i want a guy who doesnt look at me weird if i make a cock joke. i dont want a guy whos a pussy and gets offended all the time. i want a guy who doesnt expect me to wear nail polish. i want a guy whos fine if i want my own career. i want a guy whos doesnst think he has to pay everytime we go out to dinner or movie.

i want a guy who likes to fuck a lot. i want a guy whod appreciate a new lingerie or something kinky. i dont want to have to ever feel like im a sex addict just beucae he isnt as horny as i am.

i dont want to ever be accused of only likeing a guy for the sex. if im fucking you its cuz i like you. just becuas ei see you and the first thing i want is sex instead of hearing about your day doesnt mean i dont care. cant we just establish that?

i do not want to talk to him on the phone for hours on end. no thank you. i dont even like phone calls.

and yeah, there are times im going to want to do soething sort of girly. but still.
i dont want to see chick flicks, they suck and ill be forced to see enough of them with jenny.

but im not goign to object to soemthing a little cheesy or romantic.

i do enjoy the thoguht of midnight picnics. or going fishing or camping trips. if were in california id love going to the beach. sure its girly, sure there are crazy sea creatures but itd be fun if youd try to have a good time. besides, i swaer to god if we ever go somewhere you dont wanna go ill try to find something youll enjoy. (i legitmately try but if i cant think of anything ill resort to sex or head.) im going to be crushed if you dont want to carve pumpkins with me on halloween. id be tickeled pink if you went pumpkin hunting with me, string popcorn with me around christmas.

and even then you dont ahve to do the above. but if you didnt wed eventually break up, not ebcuase i cant live without those things, worse comes to worse id just do that stuff with friends or family, its just that id hope the guy would want to do it. not do it because he has to but because he wants to make me happy.

i want to be able to live me own life. i want to still be able to have my own friends. i dont want to have to dedicate 100% of my time with him. i want to be able to travel alone. i need him to do the same. i couldnt survive if someone just liked being around me and no one else.

i wouldnt say incredibly frequently, but i do need time without you or anyone else around. im solitary and introverted by nature, its not an insult to you if i want to take a walk by myself or go somewhere alone.

i want a dog when i grow up.

im a constant mix between dressed down and dressed up. please dont ask for either all the time, its a hassel…

my familys insane, youll have to deal with them.

i hate feeling weird or bizzare. i think dead are cool. i like morbid books. fucked up pictures are intriguing. i like graveyards.  things about insane children decaying lovers and whether or not your teeth still grow after your dead are interesting. i like them, please leave me alone for it… you dont have to partake, just dont make me feel like a psycho?

im very crass and crude. very. more so the longer you spend around me. i know its not lady like, i never claimed to be a lady.

i can be a perfectionist. but only in stupid things, like cleaning or actual work, in which case ill be doing the work so you wont have to, which works out right?

and afterall this. what man would want to put up with that. and not just any man, it has to be a guy who not only puts up with that but has low standards and doesnt mind dating someone who looks like me.

but wait boys and girls, he has to be intriguing. hes got to be along the lines of cameron, john, ryan, something like that.

i want him to be kinda cute, again along the lines of cameron, john, ryan.
 i j
im sorry, i dont mean to be shallow but i cant be with someone im not attracted to, i just cant. josh and jeff are no go’s, i couldnt ever see me sleeping with them, it grosses me out.

which takes me back to where i started. alone. forever. im fucked. it woudl have been better to have never met them, i didnt realize you could find guys that good, id have been fine settling for somehting less becuas ei woudlnt have known you could have more. but now i know and im fucked!

im just rather unhappy.

i dont feel like im dependent upon relationships just becuase im unhappy beucase im not in one. everything else in life is going well, this is the only thing there is to get me down.

i have a good job and have plenty of options there. i have a four year gaurantee for free education so long as i work decently hard. i can be anythign i want to be career wise. im decently smart enough to excell in plenty of fields. all i have to do is choose, and while i havent yet, i still can. i have great friends. and my family kicks all ass. i have a place to live for free, a free car, free phone. all i pay for is random family expenditures, clothes, food, friends, keeping the car up, home living, and entertainment. im healthy. i dont have a great body but its not bad, im not 200 pounds or aynting, i could work out and have a way better body. my face isnt a complete train wreck. if i wear makeup and i get enough sleep im all right. i dont have acne as much anymore. i have plans to travel throughout europe. and i really can go. i might be able to be a writer. who knows?

the only thing i really have to get me down is that i like feeling connected to someone. i like sex. i like liking someone. and i like someone. someones?

and i have to realize ive been rejected by both of them becuase im simply not good enough in likely more aspects than one.

i dont like the idea that ill never be good enough for anyone.

and anyone who would put up with me wuoldnt make me happy so wahts the point?

meh?

theres more to my life than this im sure, i just tend to write what gets me down, who else would i tell? and what gets me down most is boys.

there are other things, but i dont write about them as much. they creep me out just to think about, why would i want to write them out?

id have to look at them all the time.

could there have ever been an antidote?

or was the poison just the hell you have to live in wondering if youre infected?

i havent the slightest thing idea what that means.

Dear Diary,

id bite it, id chew it until it bleeds.

but i dunno about getting off my knees.

have you heard that the most powerful position is on your knees? read it on a church sign.

oh sexy jesus, you such a funny man…

…but i dont know anymore charlie brown, i just dont know…

im 19. ive only slept with one man. i desperately like a guy who is sexually engaged with my best friend (theyre fuck buddies). i go to college but im not sure why. i havent picked a major. i fold jeans all day. i have no direction in life. im thin, but still outta shape. i hate that i have small breasts. i want my teeth capped.

and none of this brings me even the slightest bit of happiness or comfort. i dont even know why id bother to write it down but still here it is.

theres two groups of people who dont like me. and both are for unfair reasons and it bothers me for reasons i dont fully understand.

the first doesnt like me becuase i use to be close with one of their friends, and he developed a crush on me and apparently this other girl liked him and therefore conspired so that the rest didnt like me. lame.

the second is this other guy. i liked him for a while, but its going no where, hung out with him and his friends a few times and then the only girl the hung out with (who happens to be friends with the girl mentioned above) told ppl id slept with the guy mentioned above (which i did not) and now they dislike me. also lame.\

i wrote a memoir in my eng 105 class. my prof asked me to enter it in a contest.

i won, first place with 200 applicants. they have me $125 for winning.

i lost the check

so i guess i really didnt win anything at all. i only ever wanted to be a writer, (dont judge off this, it would be a silly endeavor). but it doesnt make me happy i won that. it encourages me to major in literature, but then i might be no good and starve and have no real job and be poor.

my mom wants me to be a nurse. but they dont even get sexy outfits anymore. so the motivation seems to be missing.

besides even a sexy outfit wouldnt look that good on someone with a flat chest.

the guy i like whos fucking my friend likes this girl whose dating this other guy. oh soap operas, where would we be without you?

it bothers me he likes her. sure the whole jealousy thing and the fact that shes a bitch. i mean that in all honesty and i use the term sparingly. but she is.

no getting around it. in fact, id go so far as to say i dislike her more than any other individual. sure we can say its just jealousy and personal bias. but thats too easy. plus i thought she was a bitch before any feelings for this guy came to be.

shes high maintnance. she thinks shes incredibly better than everyone else.

you gotta hear this story. so were all at dinner. and were talking about sex adventures and at some point she says, in the most stuck up voice, “well some of us actaully waited to have sex” and its being directed at all the females in the table. now the incredibly interesting thing about this is that she is not a virgin. shes been with one guy, as had most of the girls at the table. a few of the girls have been with more than one, but the majority had only ever had one partner. so we all look at her in a sorta dazed confusion… beucase honestly, by her logic we ALL waited. in fact every person in the world waited, for their fucking first. how does one not wait for their first? thats what makes them your first! the fact that you had WAITED until that point to have sex. what the fuck?

anyways, so we have high maintnace and severe superiority complex. and thats bad. but then she thinks shes a fucking genious or something. sure the girls smart, but im a geek and so are all my friends. we all have scholarships to universitys, one friend one the national merit scholarship ($55,000), another one the national hispanic scholarship ($50,000), and another got a scholarship to NYU for ($14,000 each year for four years) my best friend emiyl has a ($28,000) scholarship to ASU and ive got a (32,000) one to asu. so where the fuck does she get off tryimg to make herself not only to be a fuckign einstein protege but she acts like the rest of us are dumb. im not saying im all that smart, lord knows asu isnt a touch college to get into, but its bull shit to make herself seem like such a genius.

plus shes a bitch about that too. we were in mexico and me and a friend of mine speak pretty decently, when one of the guys finds out she speak spanish too he says, oh hey you can join their club they both speak a good amount of spanish, and she says, “well actaully im practically fluent, so id rather not” as though the two of us arent good enough for her. what a face.

and then shes wearing some stupid shirt that says I [insert picture of a brain here] RNA

which, she also thinks shes a science genius cuz she took ap bio and is majoring in biochem. big fucking deal, that class was easy as shit. but anyways. so a really nice guy friend of ours asks what RNA is. now yeah, most of us know what that is, but a lot of people in the world dont give a flying fuck about rna so why should they be expected to know? anyways, he asks and in the most degrading way possible shes asks

aha! Are you serious? Your really dont know what it is?

then she gives him this look that says plainly, youre fucking dumbass inbred.

and tell him what it is. such a face…

anyways. all of that could be overlooked. i mean, sure shes a bitch, but does a bitchy demeanor and attitude really make one a horrible person? thats up to debate and personal opinion, but im goign to go with no.

but what does make her a bitch and a bad person is that she completely lacks human compassion. in mexico we see this guy who missing half his arm and has a fucking squeegee (yeah, i cant spell squeegee, oh welllll) attached to his arm so he can still make some sort of living washing car windows, as most human people with souls in the car say how tragic that is she says something to the effect that she doesnt feel bad for him, its his own fault he lives in mexico…

yeahhhh

tahts right. and shes a bitch to strangers, that takes an amazing amount of bitch. i can understand her being a bitch to me, she doesnt like me, but to a stranger? why? what would posses you to do that to someone youve never met?

were walking back from some bar and a guy is hollering taxi, as she walks by he asks, “need a taxi??” and she tells him

“LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!”

i felt compelled to tell the man sorry for her behavior. thats when you know you have a true bithc. you have to apologize for them…

and that wasnt the first time that night she bit smoeone head off. she started crying at one point becuase her boyfirend wasnt paying enough attention to her (…high maintnance…) and apparently “hit her” which by the way i was there for and by absolutely no stretch of the imagination did he even come close to striking her. no joke. it was COMPLETE bullshit. anyways shes crying. and at the time i havent completley decided shes a bitch yet, it was early on in the weeked and i was still feeling it out trying to find the part of her that isnt bitchy. i swear, i really tried to make an effort. nayways, shes noticably sad so i go over to her but an arm on her shoulder and ask her wahts up and if she wants me to take her home.

those were the only words i said to her. i hadnt been sarcastic at all and at this point in our lives i had never (and come to think of it still never have) been mean to her in the slightest. at the time i had never had a bad word to say about her. never was cold or distant. and why would i be, i had just met her the day before and was hoping to hit it off, shes dates one of my friends and it just makes it easier if you get along with your the people your firends date. so im being ultra nice.

her only words in response??

Now imagine in this in such a high pitched scream that it made me literally jump back for fear of my ear drum splitting

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!”

mind you… she never apologized. i can understand being drunk and yelling that, but common courtesy renders you apologize the next morning when your more sober (and she was hardly drinking anyways…)

so yeah a completle bitch. i didnt realize id go on such a rant. but anyways, key point is this guy likes her and it bothers me beucase i think males should care a little bit if someone is a complete bitch. but he doesnt.

he infaturated with her beucase a.) shes fucking hella hot. (yeah ill admit it, huge tits, skinny waste, blonde hair, blue eyed) her only bad feature is that she constantly has this look on her face that says, “i just ate a spoonful of shit and it wasnt all that tasty” but still hella hot. so obviously the attraciton. and secondly shes vvery flirty and can be ultra nice to the right people. shes sort of a tom boy, but for the most part not. and its an appealing bundle.

i understand that, im not trying to be unreasonable. i see why people would wanna date her. but at the same time, shes a huge bitch. bitchiest girl ive ever met. so shouldnt that in someway counteract your desire for her?

i can see liking a girl whos hella hot and kinda bitchy, or even pretty hot and rather bitchy. but when youre dealng with the bitchiest girl of all itme is it really worth it?

i just cant see it. i could never date an asshole even if he was the most attractive man of all time. yuck.

that all bothers me. it bothers me i talk to him more see him more but hell ignore me if shes around. it bothers me shes dating one of his firends but is always seriously hitting on him.

the whole thing bothers me.

fuck i hate a lot of stuff right now.

i hate that im poor. id like to make a good amount of money when i grow up. i tend to have crushes on boys who dont have  career paths that lead to money. usually musicians, artists, people who aspire to be nomadic hobos :)…

i hate i cant get my fat ass up to work out. its so easy, i have the technology, i could be stronger, faster

…but it seems like so much work.

i work with this guy i use to have a huge crush on. we fooled around a few times but never anything serious. it sorta bothers me to work with him. i dont feel awkward. and i like his friend (the fellow mentioned above so many times) a lot more. but it bothers me that this guy at my work never wanted to persue more with me. i suppose i just want a legit reason why. he never gave one, and im suppose there are defintely many reasons that would all work well, but still, id like to know the reason only i dont want to ask him because then it would appear as though im still interested when really im interested in his friend. but at the same time i could still imagine myself settling and dating him just because i know i can never date the other guy what with the bitchy girl, him sleeping with my friend, and that fact that he most likely wouldnt wanna ever date me. ever. hes into, you know, pretty girls. big boobed blondes. im a flat chested brunette who reads comics and watches cartoons like aqua teen hunger force, metalocalypse, family guy, robot chicken… the funny thing is that some of those things hes into himself, but still, guys want to have friends who like the same things they do, they want their girlfriends to be well pretty, and feminine, and smell nice, and um… erm… wear pink? im not really sure, ive long suspected that i dont have enough estrogen to qualify as a real woman.

i wish i had big boobs. urgh.

im sad i think my car is dying. its such a great ‘97 suburban. no, thats not all that old but it has 261,000 miles on it… but still its great. the driver side door doesnt work anymore so i have to unrole the window everytime i want to get out.

if i ever get into an accident and the car catches fire im toast. eew

well im getting rather tired so i think im going to adjourn. id feel worse for ranting for so long about superfoulous things and being so obsessive and mean to this girl i dont like. but honestly, i dont imagine anyone reading this and as i cant tell anyone in person, this seems like a decently healthy way to get things off my chest. ahahah, not like theres a lot there to loose…

adios.

i dont have anything to particularly say today which is odd, im just killing time until Hook is over.

what a terrific movie

ahahahhahaha, mom cried at the end because she felt bad for the neverland boys because they never get to grow up.

i probably should talk about them more here.

you might not know it by how little theyre mentioned here (and by the fact that when they are mentioned its not in a positive light) but theyre the most important people to me.

im fairly certain i want children,

and im hoping to goodness i get boys and girls.

i want to have secret passage ways.

several, i want to decorate them in a pirate, indiana jones, star wars im thinking, and maybe grave yard, motifs. huh good? im hoping

i think that the pirate one will be the coolest.

the plan is to have an underground area that looks all cave like and to have a sunken spa at the end of the cave and to have a bunch of multicolored lights (pink, blue, green, purple) shining on the walls so it looks like disney land. im thinking i also want to have a rock table and a fire pit in the table. and a fridge in the wall to store all my booze (see while it is a secret passage way to boggle my childrens minds its also going to be the cool adult hang out.) and im thinking there also needs to be a tv in there. and of course the super kick ass spa at the end. im thinking im going to have put a pirates chest all water proof at the bottom and theyll have to get it out and it will be filled with chocolate golden coins.

totally kick ass.

okay the second one becuase i just figured it out

a home theater room. with star celings like in macayos somehow themed to be star wars like. with a huge projection screen that comes down and a sunken viewing area. there arent going to be affixed seats as far as im thinking right now becuase i want little kids to be able to throw down sleeping bags and watch movies and play games all night. im thinking theyre will need to be a fridge, microwave and bathroom down there. maybe not bathroom… i dunno. maybe. probably yeah. no windows in this room and i want it to be more or less sound proof so that they can stay up late and be loud without waking me. i want it fairly large and able to support gaming beucase im sure as they get older thats what its use will be. maybe ill just make that a huge billard like room?

this would be a big room… hmmm….

okay maybe like tobys one room. i want star celing throughout. no windows. but a pool table. the only thing si that the pool table must somehow be able to convert to a beer pong table… which would be very difficult as beer would ruin the grass of any pool table. hmmm. i suppose i could just have a large, light weight impermeable cover made that would have a lip, thus while beer could spill and run down the lip it most surely wont run back up the lip onto the actual table. where there will be just wood anyways so what does it matter? theyll just have to be careful taking it off. and if for some reason  it does get a little stained one day?

so what?

life isnt about having nice things that look new forever. id rather buy something bad ass like a pool table, play a million fun laughing games on it and have it completely shitty looking in ten years then perfect but never be enjoyed. velvetine rabbit theory.

that will be the minority of the room, then the floor sinks down and its a mini home theater system.

kids could make cool forts with the table

a fridge off to the side, a bathroom some wheres. grand. but rather large… interesting…

and the first secret passage? rather small

no bigger than a walk in closet area im thinking. im thinking one or two small basement looking windows (but not actaully underground). to keep the kids from wondering what they are ill put vents over them until i let them knwo theyre there. i want it to be indiana jones themed and be there little club house

then of course i always wanted my own little secret passage area. but im thinking that i dont need it at this point.

who knows. ill still have an attic style room all to myself and that will be that

so rooms were looking at

one kitchen
livingroom
starwars room
three kids rooms? (four? probably three)
master room
my room
somesort of thanksgiving room i guess.
husbands room
master bathroom
one conjoining bathroom
one bathroom in oldest kids room
starwars bathroom
public bathroom

6 bedroom house!??!

yikes.

whatev, emily has a six bedroom house.
five bathrooms! yikes

how can i make the thanksgiving room cool?
hmmmm
library like. of course. fireplace. big windows. pretty pictures. facing which way? eh?

sunken living room. i think id like a fireplace there too. maybe aunt jone style where it connects to the family room one? save money? perhaps?

kitchen is raised. island of course. friendship square table. bay kitchen nook windows? cheesy? no way cool.

wood flooring in most all areas.

my attic style room, for sure. maybe all the kids will have attic style rooms? just cuz theyre cool? probably not, but still.

this is never going to come to pass… but if it did. it would be bad ass.