On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

yup,

still john

me and emily talked about him last night

horrified and hurt and jealous as fuck to think he slept with her as chris’.

i really liked the idea for a while that he had kissed me last and not her

yes. im horrible.

but i liked it anyways. and now its gone. i thought he looked a little off that morning. maybe becasue he thought i knew he slept with emily? i dunno.

maybe he just woke up and had a funny face.

whatever, that was really upsetting to hear.

maybe even more so is that its official. she likes him, i know she does.

so i can do absolutely nothing on this ground.

but play the waiting game

hoo-fucking-ray.

things are miserable.

i dont feel like waking up and working out because im upset

but i just had a revelation.

im always upset when my bodys ugly. and if for some reason something positive happened with (yeah, i know its not going to but still, if….) then ill wish to god i was in shape and not fat like i am now.

besides, even if i cant have him, i still want to be in better shape than any other girl. that way he can look at me and say, well i wouldnt wanna date her, but at least shes got a nice body….only missing the boobs…. but whatever i cant fix that part.

besides. if emily is working out i sure as hell am going to as well…

i hate that i think that with a trace of animosity. i love her so much, i shouldnt be jealous.

okay, im not going to be

im just going to get hot and in shape and then let endorphins do their work.

and afterall, i can play the waiting game. wait till emily looses interest, or he rejects her, or they date and break up. if they should be together forever, no matter how unlikely, then the game will be over. but if that doesnt happen ill just wait until its over between them and then BAM

nothign will most likely happen

but still

i have a feeling about this…

jeff insinuates, and im certain he also believes, that i must be flattered by the fact that i have three boys who insist that they care deeply for me.

i told him he was wrong.
it doesnt flatter me in the slightest.
i couldnt say why exactly, i just knew it didnt.

now i know why. long before i find someone to be happy with theyll have moved on

found someone much better

all of the genuine, so real, never felt like this before or ever will again, feelings will have passed. they will have be displaced onto another girl.

and how fitting a word displaced. feelings displaced onto the girl who will replace me.

how flattering does all that really sound?

to know youre simply a temporary whim and will one day without thought or care me forgotten about.

the lines of your face which once apparently meant so much will fade into obscurity and then be altogether forgotten as someone elses features are burned into recognition.

things you said will be forgotten

youll mean nothing

the ones who swore they loved you so much will later realize you hardly meant anything. that they themselves had been immature and thought it meant more.  but now, so much the wiser, theyll realize this new girl is really the one for them. there could be no other.

youre jokes will be forgotten.

things he did for you hell do for another and never think twice about the girl he loved so dearly before.

youll be nothing. left in some drab corner of the the minds nastalgic corridores and no one will morn your absense.

every once in a great while a whif of perfume or certain laugh will make youre misty ghost rise in their mind. maybe their vision hazes or their equilibrium is thrown off but only for a moment. in the end itll feel like deja vu and they might not even realize it was you. you begging to be let out. to be set free. that no one should be left to be forgotten and replaced and left to haunt happier memories.

yes. so flattering indeed.

yup theyre coming and there isnt anything i cant do in the slightest to prevent this.

really, really?

seriously, seriously?

again?

are you sure?

100% positive?

because i’d think by this point youd be tired of being flat out rejected

SLAP

look.what.you.make.me.do
you.think.i.like.hit.ing.you?

Its okay, i hear they have great makeup sex

oh.bay.be.ive.thought.about.this.all.day
oh.yeah.

you think i enjoy this? on any level??!?

NO.

I DO NOT.

YOU WANT MY OPINION!?!?

STOP DOING THIS>!

please?

please, please, please?

im tired of everyone being horrific.

its driving me mad.

this is the second time today ive had to blog out of sheer boredom

god id love to fuck john

i cant stop thinking about that.

about what an amazing cock he had

im so unlady like…
blast.

none of this is fair!

why cant i get what i want? for once?
porfavor?

jeff leave me alone!

no more of this nonsense!

so the worst part about this is taht i have a feeling im going to be writing this same exact post over and over again

(whats that feeling you can only say what it is in french?)

only its going to change between who the focus is.

today, and i say that with a large amount of embitterment, that it is john.

i thought at first i just liked whichever one of them i was around. which made sense. around cameron i had butterflies, around john i had butterflies.

only now around neither of them.

its john, 100%

i like him

and i hate him for having led me up a tree and lied to me beucase i liked what he said more than i like my life now.

and emily appears to be the only person who doesnt hate me these days.

but she will if i make a move on him

and thats not fair in the slightest

to neither of us

WHY COULDNT I HAVE MET HIM FIRST??

the only way i can see this siutation allievated is if she finds a boyfriend and then i hang around john more

and if he isnt interested in dating me in the slightest, which is most likely the scenario, ill at least know i gave it a shot and go on to something else.

but before i can even see if its a possibility, i have to wait for emily

and its driving me crazy!!

but i cant tell her to make up her mind about him or find soemone else because then shell know i have a thing for him and all will be ruined.

fuck.

my.

ass.

sideways.

none of this is fair,

i dont practice santeria

i aint got no crystal ball

so why be punished so?

….oh. and he stopped responding on the thread

sigh. such is the life of an elf.

and she says

ooooooh darling, dont you know?
the darkness comes and the darkness goes
she says ooooooh babe why dony you let it go?
happiness aint ever the way you think it should be so.

what she chose to offer you was all that you could have,

she runnnnnnnnnnnns awayayayayayyyyy 

she runnnnnnnnnnnns awayayayayayyyyy
….

i feel like im not wanted anywhere, that im making a fool of myself and no one wants me around and that theyre all talking about me when im not there and sigh inwardly when i talk, and rolling their eyes when im not looking. i know theyre all justified in doing so but i dont know what to do about it.

im starting to be afraid of everyone. this knew found sense of paranoia is not empowering in the slightest.

i dont feel i can take but a step for fear the ground will just be a trick and everything will fall beneath me.

and the prick of adreneline will spike in my veins and the physically slightly painful feeling of when you start sweating instantly, but the cold air rushing up at me will cool my skins and make me shover and goosebumps will break out across my arms. every hair on my head will raise and make my scalp feel as though its now too small. the quite uncomfortable weightless sensation will lie heavy in my limbs as they float on the air. and everything that i am, every fear, thought, desire, will pool to the center of my body and in a way i cant quite explain it will feel orgasmic. that first time you accidently stumble across something that feel really good. only maybe too good. and it will feel so much more powerful then anythign else, so much that i wont want it. i know it will destroy me. that ill burst from it but i wont burst happy, it wont even feel good. it will just feel metalic. it will feel like the coppery taste of a penny. the ground will just get closer and closer until i smack into. well be so close then there will be no way of seperating us.

and all because i took a step when i thought the ground could be a trick, but trusted something ridiculous called rational thought.

and look where it has led me.

implied elipsis.

im very incorrect.

thats the only true way to describe it. incorrect.

and im going to start running.

i have to.

you just couldnt understand.

how else would i get all of this incorrectness out of me?

…..

heres what it is.

you know how there are those times, when half way through a semester you realize your grades are shitty as fuck and you’ve got to pull your act together, study hard, and pass your classes. so you fix your sleeping schedule, cancel plans with friends, clean up your work space, pull out the books, really get on top of it all. then a few weeks later youve got your shit straight and you dont have to worry so much.

same thing.

only instead of with my grades, its just me as a person. ive let myself get shitty as fuck and i need to pull myself together and fix this. and this is exactly whats its like. its so weird to be reveluatign myself as a person, to have to fix so much shit because ive simply devolved to this point. its frightening that this could happen. that it will most likely happen again. that i might not even be able to fix it and just be stuck like this.

ive got to get going now.

This idea is badassery. I feel like this is a secret place I can write things and no one could ever find it because you would have to be decently clever, and seeing as I just figured this out im hoping no one else will figure it out. Yes, if you do read this then your cleverness far out reaches my own (which isn’t hard) and the only thing you have to do to read the text is change it from white font to black, or any other color for that matter.

 

I want to write about how I like john.

 

I don’t know why.

 

I want to write about how I like that tree.

 

The tree is probably more important.

 

It was sort of like this. It was in plain sight. Anyone  could get to it. But people don’t. they leave it behind like I hope they’ll leave this behind.

 

But it was just there. And it was so beautiful. I felt so encompassed. So high up I couldn’t see anything below me and I am almost sure they couldn’t see me. The leaves made shadows and you could still see the sky when you looked up. But I felt so enwrapped in that tree. So safe. So secure. So secluded. I loved it. And only one other person was with me up there. And if I had my pick of anyone in the world I’d want up there with me id have picked him. which is strange, but I would have. I would have picked him before it all happened because of reasons im not quite sure of. I think because he seems closest to me. Only different in about million ways. But the ways that are hardest for me to define. Those are the ones he seems similar in.

 

I do still like Cameron. Quite a lot. And will probably try to date him. But that is mainly because I could never hurt Emily like that (again =/) two, because I don’t know if john would ever like me. And three because even if by some divine happening Emily no longer likes john finds a new guy falls in love and no longer cares who dates john, it would still probably bother me that he slept with her. Id feel like Id never live up to the standard she’d set.

 

What’s worse is I cant get over what he said in the tree though. Yes we talked. It should be noted that I wanted to talk about ryan/Cameron and john wanted to talk more about who I liked and if theres the possibility I liked anyone else. and how he wanted to know because he “was always jealous of bode”

 

Im surprise I never wrote about this earlier. It makes me happy and scared and exited to write about it. And miserable, and confused, and bitter, and preemptively angry.

 

I remember trying to figure this out for sure, because drunk horny boys have a way of saying that care about something…me… when really, therye just looking for an easy lay. I brought up beer goggles. He said “that was not entirely so” . he said that quite a bit. I brought up that I have small boobs and big breasted women like Meredith were his type. He sorta chuckled and said he didn’t care. I brought up Meredith in general and he just sorta sighed it off. I told him I simply didn’t believe he liked me that I had nothing to offer. I asked what could be special about me, he said “the whole package” I though it was kinda cute. I said that if by some crazy fluke I was at the very bottom of his list of prospects of girls he might like then he simply hasn’t gotten to know me well enough and will soon be repulsed by me. He interrupted half way through to say I was high on the list and didn’t bother answering anything else.

 

The unrated part only to appear in the blog

 

I started it. ON ACCIDENT. Seriously. Seriously. I realize now its seen as a come on or sexual, but its just in my nature.

 

My family are all touchers. My mom instilled that in me as a small child. She went so far as to say that if you don’t touch the people you love then you hardly love them at all. Rubbing somones arm, playing with there hair, rubbing there neck, giving them half a massage on their upper back. Id do that for any boy. (not jeff or josh becuae I know theyd take it the wrong way) I don’t do it all the time. Quite the contrary. Infact, I suppose most people would call me a liar beucase they’ve never seen me do this. That’s because I usually only do It in public with a boyfriend or close girlfriends. The other people. I do it in private. When I think theyre upset. Or sad or hurting or just need to feel human contact because I swear to god it helps. It must. So I VERY FRIEND LIKE just quickly rubbed up and down his fore arm. Briskly. It wasn’t slow and sudductive. It’s the way you rub someone back when theyre coughing. Just quick, almost like your asking if theyre okay. Then he pulled me into a hug.

 

I have a couple different types of hugs. When I like a boy. When I find him attractive. And especially when im drunk and cant quite decide why I am not suppose to be doing this, I go for the “seductive hug” sure it’s a little seductive BARELY but its still just a hug. NO BIG DEAL

 

The only thing that makes the seductive hug seductive is that I my left hand strays down by their side and gently kneads their side and rubs along the edge of the rib cage. The part that most boys find most enticing is that my right hand goes up to their hairline and I weave my fingers through their hair.

 

John held me for a good minute or two making it a long hug so I ended up giving him a small BRIEF little neck massage. No fucking oils. I aint Meredith here. It just came sorta naturally.

 

That’s when he went to kiss me. And as a good friend I said whoa now. Lets not get crazy. And he instead went for my neck. And it felt really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really good.

 

Really.

 

So I sorta reciprocated. Sorta. Okay, I fully reciprocated. I have this belief that you don’t do anything wrong till you actually kiss the person. Yes that’s a flawed belief as its not true, but it still helps me sleep at night. So I didn’t feel guilty yet at all. Then beucase I am me I started kissing his ear.

 

He made a very empowering noise between sigh/whimper/moan. And became a bit more determined. Hes tried to kiss me several times at this point but to no avail.

 

Suddenly he was availed.

 

And hes one goooooood kisser. I hated that I had been smoking because my mouth is always dry and tastes like cigarettes. But i dealt. I just hope he didn’t mind.

 

He pulled down my shirt and sucked my right nipple, not my favorite nipple, but whatev, it was still amazing. He grabbed my ass, a lot. Put his hands down my pants. Tried a couple of times to finger me. I have  some self control. Not a lot, but enough to draw a line before that. It just seems to get worse and worse the more bases you cross. But were getting to close to too many thigns so I finally say. Enough. No more. I cant do this

 

What was cutest is that he kept trying something, then me saying I cannnnnnnt. Him asking why not? Why not? I told him because of Emily beycase of cameorn. He said Cameron was one of his best firneds and he would understand. But Emily wouldn’t. she would. But shed be hurt. And none of my friends would.

 

Just cant happen.

 

 

Which only makes me want it more.

 

Fuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhck.

 

But anyways, id give my reasons why smoething couldn’t happen. Hed kiss me again and try whatever he was trying before that I denyed him and id repeat that I cannnnnt and then hed say sorry. And he truly did sound sorry.

 

And tahts the best part. He said a couple of times that he didn’t care about anyone else. what they thought. How they felt. He said he didn’t care if Emily liked him. or if Cameron still liked me.

 

But he did seem to care that he might have been pushing me too far.

 

Hed say sorry and stop whatver he was doing and look down. It was cute. Id tell him he didn’t have to be sorry. Then I usually kiss him mostly because I wanted to but a bit so hed feel better and not sound sad, so he didn’t think hed offended me.

 

Anyways, eventually I stopped it. Over done. Started climbing down. I look up to see if hes alrgiht.

 

Now earlier hed been tryng to undo my pants, when it was to no avail I though he was unsnapping his own, but I couldn’t tell. I was Really really really really still intoxicated. When I looked up I realized he must have bevause theyd now fallen down around his ankles. I looked up and could help but half laugh half chuckle. He seemd empowered. Took off his boxers and just looked at me hopefully. I reached my hand up, NOT TO TOUCH HIS COCK. But to get his hand so that hopefully hed pull his pants up, come down, and stop this nonsense. When I grabbed HIS HAND, he then took my hand and put it on my cock. NOT MY FAULT.

 

And Emily was right. He has a great penis. More or less the same as justins. Justins I will admit was bigger, but john was also hella drunk and im measuring justins at the height of his physical fitness. When Justin isn’t working out hes the same as john. But Id prefer johns anyways. Big gets too big. And his was just perfect. Perfect head. Perfect thickness. But gooooooood. It felt good in my hands.

 

Yes. I did what was only natural for me. And started giving him a hand job. But only for about 20 seconds when I realized I had been deceived into giving a man a hand job and stopped. But it was niceeee for those 20 seconds. What made it worse was that because I had started making my way down the tree, and he hadn’t, my mouth was at penis level.

 

Sigh..

 

No. I didn’t. I drew a line. But it was really really really really hard not to. And so ended my amazing tree experience. I said I had to go, and started climbing down. So did john. Well, he fell down. And thus concluded the night..

 

The only sad part was that I believed what he said in the tree but later sober on facebook he did not repeat any of the sentiments and avoided talking about anything we talked about that night. Sigh. Alas. Ill see cameorn soon. Depending on whom im thinking about is the one I want to date more. Its all moot. I wont date either of them most likely.

im fucked.

shit out of luck

im not complete

and i dont have a cock to suck

—–

so im suppose to start work in a few days, saturday to be exact.

and i cant stop thinking about cameron. it fucking sucks.

but im still talking to john.

and if drunk i might hit on him. IN ABSOLUTE PRIVACY. but stilll nonetheless

and justins been calling

and josh and jeff are still protesting their love.

and im so fucking sick of the J and C names. i want to date an S name! or any other name. but no.

oh! and half their friends hate me but the best part is i dont even think they know everything they just hate me on principle! but if they ever found out…

ohhhhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyyy

and now im concerned about charles hearing about me and john and charles telling em.

see, at first i was most afraid of jeff and sam.

but he said he wouldnt say anything to them. so im not concerend.

but john is closest to charles. but i cant see the scenario where hed say anything to charles. and im thinking about having a convo with charles explaining to him that his girlfriend is the worst at keeping secrets ever so if he ever hears anythign about me to not tell her…

though that may be a little over the top.

god life is ridiculous.

i have more in common with cameron now then ever only i can let him know. and i like john. but dream about his cameron. but think about john when im jacking off. my best friend loves john and john likes one of his friends girlfriend, and she likes john but apparently loves averam but no one likes her. fuck.

and anyone else not mention either loves me, extrememly dislikes me, or is only impartial.

its all fucked up.

the only thing certain is that i am losing weight.

no matter what. yay for that.

fuck everything and everyone.

would you bite the hand that feeds you?

i did lonnnnnng ago.