On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

i sounded very overly fanciful in the last post, but im proud i got my act together at the end.

the disappointmen really isnt bitter

in fact, its hardly disappointment. the whole endeavor had this lovely ability to break whatver depressed spell i was in. and now that its over ive simply returned to the depressed spell again. so you cant in all fairness say it disappointed me so much as merely made me forget for two days that i was already disappointed in life. which is really a great gift if you think about it

but im certain such nonsense words in said nonsense tree were all the by product of being very very drunk. and wanting sex. which is a little sad, but watcha gonna do?

only a few more finals and then i can peacefully float down the river

ohhhh yeahhhhhhhh

and get into the best fucking shape of my life.

no joke, itll keep my sanity im sure.

i hope

ill do it either way.

so yeah, im still denying it actaully happened. only he asked me today if he made it awkward

so theres always the possibility that it still didnt happen and we both just had the same crazy dream???

he could never like. seriously never.

im weird.

fucking weird.

and no. really. it couldnt happen

god he was a good kisser.

i loved that tree. i love it so much. i wish it was at his house and not at jeffs.

if i ever date him, were having sex in that tree.

IM NEVER GOING TO DATE HIM

unless of course?

in some ulternate parrallel universe, perhaps even an ultimate universe, we both exist only i met him before emily?

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh

grrrr

my periods late.

im only a little nervous.

im not going to be able to stop thinking about the other night for a while

when is the bitter disappointment going to hit i wonder?

wow. i honeslty am having a hard time imagining it really happened

im not even that owrried about the consequences at this point becuase it was such a great hour or so

i loved that tree. ive never felt in a better place than when i was alone in the gym in latvia. but this seemed better. i was so high up and no one was around but me and him and we could make out all we want and no one could see us.

oh yeah

so i should mention.

made out with john.

yeah, what you think about that?
little outta character for me, eh?
little shocking, eh?

whatever.

im so incredibly turned on right now. and happy. and REFUSING to think about how this is all going to blow up in my face. for the moment i just want to think about how great it was for a minute.

i love the way he kisses.

and the way he looks at people.

mostly the way he was looking at me.

i honestly cant believe he thought that. that he would be jealous of bode. that he says hes always been interested in me.

oh yeah. cameron. erm? whateva
(for the moment :/)

i usually illustrate what happened so ill always be able to remember.

but whats importnat.

we both started climbing; jeff tried to come along.

cock block

i told him to go away. talked to john for a little.

HOLY SHIT

its like i imagined it. i hoped one day hed ask me if i liked bode still and to be completely honest. which is what he said. and i was!

i said i did. but that i was sorta interested in someone else but it wouldnt go anywhere.

the way he said he didnt care about anyone else.

god its making excited.

BUT IT DOESNT MATTER NOTHIGN WILL HAPPEN

right?

justin worked afterall

goddamn it emily. why do you have to meet the boys i like first??

thats not fair.

frowny face.

i never ever liked that rule.

no really though

if at any point blog, you were going to develop super powers and tell me what to do.

NOW WOULD BE THE TIME!!

…

no?

fine, maybe later.

but as awlays pessemistic note?

wont happen

most likely a one time thign brought on by intense amount of drinking.

if im lucky hell never make me suffer an embrassing converstation of “im really sorry about that iw as really drunk i dont even really remember everythign sorry if i made you feel uncomfortable balh blah blah”

even way luckier still if no one ever finds out about this

i dount ill be that lucky.

but i can hope

ish

pray.

please god dont let anyone else find out that ever happened? ive been coming to you for everythign these days and i dont know if thats a bad thing, so im just hoping theres no harm in asking.

i dont want emily knowing.

i know i just shouldnt have done it.

but im going to try to remember this for next time.

please dont let her get hurt again?

i likeeeee him.
damn it

IM—MOVING—TO—RUSSIA

really though, he was so hot but cute also. god thats a horrible combination. nearly unstoppable.

my favorite part was when he said he just didnt care about anyone else.

he wanted this

me

most likely in a purely sexual way

but theres still cameron

NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF NOT FOR HIM

i dont know whether to be sad or greatful at that

=S

i dont want to leave yet
i like him!

okay sleep

guess who’s coming to dinner??

and by dinner i mean, at my hosue. perminantly.

FOREVER

FOR

EV

ER

okay it wasnt that bad

i just wanted to compain

(as usual)

that more people dont like me

(as usual)

adding to the list?

ryan

he was pretty damn cold at blockbuster

reason? doesnt like me

reason?

oh there are so many to choose from
 didnt date his friend?
 made out iwth his enemy?
 im naturally horrible?

all likely.

anyways second complaint

theres a large possible that i am goign to be unemployed here soon

flat out.

im angry kal sided with david

and angry they waited till FIVE FUCKING DAYS before i left my job

honestly, ive demoted. ive been assinged there. im on the fucking schedule

oh yeah, erm, could you not come work here?

…what.

…the.

…fuck.

i cant stay in tempe. i wouldnt want to anyways.

i cant find another job

not for nearly as much pay

you guys are assholes.

as though your the only one with bills to pay?

what about the $260 i just lent YOUR girlfriend?

and those fucking smilie faces.

thats what pisses me off most

she had her side picked all along

and fucking knew

why would you not say something earlier?

why not?

i wish everyone i met was like that girl with the pizza today.

we laugh, giggled, and now were just nice to each other.

why is that so hard for people to do?

…its not…

or maybe it shouldnt be

im unsuppose to be here

thats right i just said unsuppose

i was upset all day, and now im just pissed

i havent done anything to him.

so fuck you.

in the ass.

Fag.

im so sad

whaaaaah

let me just cry about it

im so and so.

im so sad.

I want to run away

Im not happy.

I want to just leave

Ive got a plan

Im going to leave soon

just run away

really. though

im so sad.

really. really

no youre not sad

just me.

only me.

you might think youre sad

but your not only i am.

(you really think i give a fuck?)

….such a mistake….

But i cant tell you that

because you might commit suicide

yes hold that one over my head a while might you

fuck you.

you really think this song is about you?

why does the curser blink?

are our eyes more attracted to things that move?

like the T rex?

maybe?

i awlays thought he sorta looked like indiana jones

dr. grant that is

but no really youre right

you really deserve some time off

hows taht book coming?

you really probably are THE SADDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

dun dun dun

yes we should all flock to you.

get him everything hes the saddest man alive.

for now.

really?

why?

but yeah

you ARE it

sure.

it will never be enough to feed the fucking hungry you fucking pricks.

someoen should care more about someone or something else than yourself

just for a minute.

maybe all the whiny bullshit you cry about wouldnt matter so much if you got off your ass and tried to help someone who really needed it?

or maybe just not fuck up other peoples lives?

too damn much i know

afterall

how could i or anyone else ever expect you to worry about somethign so trifle as the other 5, 999,999,999 people in the world.

No really.

you just worry about you.

You Deserve It.

im sorta sad.

i had plans about going on and on

but this doesnt seem to be bringing me much more happiness

why does cameron bother me so much still

why am i treating john like i have a crush on him/dating him?

i shouldnt have bought him so much for his birthday. i shouldnt be worrying about this songs for the deaf the blind can go get fucked thing.

but still i do it.

i shouldnt still be getting sad everytime i hear camerons name or jealous everytime i hear merediths name

i shouldnt hate having jen and jeff over.

fuck that

i have every right to hate it

its fucking insanity

.

ken shouldnt be getting fired

i should care more that he is

…

i ithink i care
.

i think i might have

.
still?

i should be something

or more of whatever i already am

or

just

be?

i think this is a premise already

but what if you were the last man alive. for fifteen years.

and then you hear a knock at the door?

.i hope to god its not alraedy a premise, beucase id like to write it first

–

if i ever saw a ghost, id bet id see it at three am

only forty minutes to go

.

id really like a nice body.

really really really really really really

but then ill just want pretty teeth

then a boob job

and then wahat?

what else could i change?

better hair?

lasic eyes?

fake tans?

fake lips?

ass?

nose job?

radical plastic surgery?

how far?

how fucking far till its enough?

–

i dont think it will be.

its called low self esteem when you dont think youre good enough..

its called ugly when you dont think youre good enough and nor does anyone else.

one of these things is not like the other. one of these thigns just doesnt belong.

can you guess which i am? jacob could. he was always fond of the ladder (latter)

sexy subtly

…there must be some way. some other person i can be to make this all go away.

but i just dont know how. and what i do know how to do i dont have enough money for.

i dont really want any of those things that bad.

i dont really want to be different.

..

except for all those times that i do.

i keep expecting someone to give me an answer

or to just figure something out.

im still just rather upset.

could this sound insane?

varying syntax; useless punc’tuation?
tangents? aliterating acrynoms?

dynamic dynasties??

is it so easy to prove insanity?

only 25 minutes to go now

T-minus

what THE FUCK does the T stand for?>

mr. t should sue them out the ass.

i could be a wave and a particle… if i wanted to.

i think all matter is simultaneously a wave and a particle.

were all moving very very very very slowly

little strings

vibrating.

…

there are some people i no longer enjoy seeing.

oh no.

—

where can i find the scream?

its gotta be around here somewheres

i just have to decide where…

tricky bastard.

yeah. i swivel my head. here i am, oh whoa, now im here. dotn knwo where im going to go next!

–

something has gone terribly wrong.

nothing succeeds as planned.

…

but where were they going without ever knowing the way?

i didnt really realize until this exact moment that chris and cameron are the same. same experience. im still holding out hope for cameron and that makes him more like chris than ever. but a part of me must know that im running out of gas and that its just not going to go anywhere ever.

that just makes me so sad

i wanted it so bad.

i can rhyme

for a dime.

but really. i just imagined him asking for some girls phone number and now i know how easily i am replaced. It wont go anywhere. will i never get the guy i want?

big me to talk about

ive been feeling hurt, and disappointed, and overall sad for some time now. a little over a year.

its just starting to feel like a long time.

i wonder if its going to change anytime soon.

big me to talk about it.

but im not that big of a person.

disappointments seem to be growing.

im a little concerned at this point.

there

well i talked about it, carried on, reasons only knew.

qotd~”and its FLOATS. we all FLOAT down here and youll FLOAT too you little SHIT”-pennywise the clown.

so its evident. to me at least i did have a crush on john

the traumatizing part is that i didnt realize the severity until this morning. but i always had an idea of what id say to the guy i was crazy about. since i was a little girl and listen to, she runs away.

becuase i knew. id find a guy who was having a hard time. and i would say the thigns to him that would make him the perfect man in my eyes and he would be all of them, without even trying.

i had imagined what id say. without realizing it last night, tyring to describe hwo “emily feels” i said those htings to him. i didnt even realize it for what it was until it was out.

you make people laugh john, you make her smile. but you also have depth. youre understated and not everyone knows it but the ones who do love you for it.

i knew id help him, i knew hed be understated.

i knew id say that.

i just had no idea id say another girl felt that way and not myself. ive had that idea in my head on how it would be for so long. stupid duncan shiek.

it just felt so wrong later. somehow becuase those were my words. understated. ive known for years thats waht ive been looking for. and i gave it up. its almost like that idea was a part of me and i just gave it to another girl.

but not just any girl. the only one who deserves it.

its a most unfortunate predicament. but not really. yeah i like him. more than cameron. now i know the answer to that quesiton, what if i had met this one first?

youd have gone with him.

i dont necessarily wish id met him before cameron; just that id met him before emily. but if wishes were fishes wed all cast our nets into the sea.
 
it seems unlikely id develope a serious crush so quickly. but he just seems so like me. so much to the point where i couldnt say so becuase that would admit having problems like him. and im pretty sure me and him are the type not to admit that, and if we do only a few peopel and only very rarely. so i cant even say it. but im sure its there. hes similar to cameron only nicer, more considerate, not so egocentric, funnier, tied for attractiveness, and easier to get along with.

but its all moot. without telling anybody im stepping down from this. i just hope to god i dont fuck it up. no one would forgive me, least of all myself. ill talk a little bit longer and then just stop. and never tell him i had a crush on someoen who wasnt cameron for a wwhile.

things have changed dramatically. things have improved in senses. in others worsened. im so glad i talked to jen. but i was much better not thinking about htings that upset me. but now i have to. and that wasnt a good idea. i feel so imcomprehensably sad. news of cameron and john. and

trying too hard

that was a big concern. apparently a valid one.

and hearing my words. mine. all mine. i dont knwo what they are but they were all my own. what id say to someone if could.

and i gave them to someone else.

i dont regret it in the slightest. id do it again a million times over. but im still sad. they were mine. they were how i felt. even if someone felt the same way, or close. it was still my articulation. a part of me. and now its someone elses.

i know. i know. its so much better this way. i doubt it wouldnt bother me if i hadnt tried this, im going to feel thing.

i dont want to deal iwth things anymore. but i know i cant go far enough away. nothing is far enough away. no where will ever be. its going to be so much harder exisiting now. you should never try for htings. when you realize you cant have them you cant even hope that someday youll try and itll work. becuase youve already tried and failed. im so upset.

i guess without sounding melodramatic.

im just not enjoying the living part of life as much as i suppose i once did.

im going to have to lie so much more. why must things be so hard?

why must things be so heavy?

we are the deed, we are the deed, we are the deed, we are the deed.

christ. help me.