so its 1130 and i have a paper due at 730 in the morning and i havent started. even if i conceivably could stay up till 730 writing it, im not sure id be finished…
plus im alreay tired.
this article. though its and entry. is to explain to the world that i feel discontected.
which i had already previously decided was not the correct term
i feel as though the entire world, and all the people in it. your lawyers, and doctors, teachers, garbage men, homeless, ticket takers, and laundry mat makers are all on a radio frequency. one station for everybody.
and i am on another one.
wishhhhhooooauuuuuuuuuurrrrusuauuuuuuuuuueeeerrrnckrrrrrrr.he-loa.sh-ey.wuh-t.ong?hhhhhooooauu.oh.guh-d.-otta go.ye!ooauuuuuuuuuurrrrusuauuu
and thats all i can hear. all ill ever hear.
im always looking for somewhere to fit better. which probably isnt fair to my three girl friends. but i cant help it. when i met cameron and josh i idolized the vultures of culture. then with adam jeff and john. now with joshs friends. those groups of people seem to enjoy life so much more. more stuff in common. more interests. more topics of conversation.
maybe the grass is always greener on the other side.
or maybe i just need a place to fit?
im beginning to htink ill never find a place.
emily told me im too flirty around adam jeff and john. and that it was my fault jeff called stacey me. that really bothered me. it was so uncharacteristically unfair of her to say somethign like that. how in gods fuckign name could i have prevented that from happening? fucking, told the damn future then run into his room seconds prior to his faux paus, and slap him and yell FUCKING STACEY IDIOT. then run out again?
what bothers me most is they ruined something for me. and im i dont feel like delving into how maybe theyre right and lets look at all sides today. fuck that. im going to write what i want to write. im going to think with all of my god given biases.
its so easy to say im too flirty
becasue you know… jen doesnt make out with every girl at those parties… then dance seductively…. then show of her flexibility… then demonstrate how far she can get a cock in her mouth…
and emily… you never take your clothes off in front of adam when staceys not there (whcih while im sure no one would believe, i wouldnt have done so)… or float to the top of a hot tub naked… or spend hours in said hot tub naked talking with jeff (which by the way if were goign to talk about leading him on, which we’ll go more indepthly with later, im pretty sure you beat my acts of whorishness {which have amounted to what, please remind me? oh yes, hugging, the horror, and sitting on his lap….what a slut i have become} the last time i checked naked hot tub sessions beat out and amount of hugs in the turning on and leading on of boys thank you very much)
kalyn hasnt done anythign really whorish around me drunk.
not to say of course im without blame. i can be very sexual drunk. but what it comes down to is that you three pots are calling me the kettle black. (maroon, red, maroon, red, MAROON, RED!!)
so it starts off with, ashley youre leading jeff on too much.
as your good friend, let me say thank you for being so concerned about jeffs welfare. it is soooo nice to think youll all talk about me when im not around, discussing what youre goign to say to me next time to keep me from hurting jeff. really. thats just lovely.
and i want to thank you further for showing so much concern now and none at all when emily was doing the same thign even worse.
i guess whats really bothering me is a lot of it has been so far thrown out of proportion.
a.) i think ive sat on jeff lap once. and jen was on the other knee thank you very fucking much.
b.) i n.e.v.e.r. go away and talk to a.n.y. of the guys alone. e.v.e.r. i know this doesnt happen because i am too nervous, yes even drunk, to want to spend one on one time iwth any of them. its always a group, maybe a small group but a group nonetheless. AND if it ever does happen where its just me and someone else; then i say, lets find everyone else shall we, and off we scamper. AND furthermore might i remind you three (who are soooo concerned about my whorishness and my constant acts of alone time with the guys) that almost anytime i spend even a moment or two alone with someone its becuase you three who had previously been by my side LEFT, which, dun dun dun CAUSES me to be dun dun dun FUCKING ALONE WITH SOMEONE. did it occur to any of you that maybe if you didnt scamper off i wouldnt be left hanging around someone? im sure there would be cries of outrage if this was read. let me assure you this does fucking happen.
latest example?
HAPPENED TWICE.
first, im smoking then i hear cough cough cogh eeeew gross, go over there, eeew cough cough cogh. okay. so can it be established that i am being BANISHED else where with the only other smoker, jeff? can we agree on that. and that from said banishing i am now FORCED to be int he company of just jeff becuase its only jeff smoking?? indeed.
second time. me jen, em, adam, jeff are all still talking outside. kal is inside. jeff goes to check on her. a few minutes later, with absolutely no sign or imminent leaving, without a word of hey ash come along (whcih really, thats what i would do if i was sooooo concerned about one good friend spending too much time around adam) em and jen just leave. with adam sayiing, yeah they definitely left us. now really, it shows how concerned you are that you leave me with him… but then here it comes (remember this is prior to having mine and emilys talk) i say, wanna go find them? and in we hurried.
and i just have to go back to the fact, how the fuck is it my fault that adam said my name? we talked that night. sure. NO FUCKING MORE THAN ANY OF YOU TALKED TO HIM. and the last people he was talking to before he went to sleep was me and jeff. (A GROUP IF YOULL RECALL) and then he left (and sure e-fucking-nough a moment later i went inside so as not to become uncomfortable outside) to go to sleep. and call stacey ashley. maybe he thought i looked really good that night. or maybe he secretly wants to fuck me (despite the fact that we all know he is incredibly in love with stacey) but lets just say im wrong and thats what he wants. Or dun dun dun MAYBE just fucking MAYBE i was the last female he saw before he went to bed HIGH and DRUNK and it was just habit since we had all been talking and it meant ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING??? is that even possibile?
either way; what are your suggestions for my preventing the outcome, in either scenario?
really, any you have would work fine.
w
but i love that you all palvared on this… love that you all thought of the best way to tell me. its so kind of you. and really emily, i want to thank you most. for knowing of this warm sunshiney incident and waiting about two weeks to tell me. really thats just cracker jack of you.
thanks for almsot deciding to not tell me so i wouldnt feel embarrassed. instead id just actually embarrass myself everytime i saw people. really thanks a lot. its great.
so fucking fun.
and then you went on with how bad you feel. the only thing you should feel bad about is that you coulding tell i was sobbing two feet away from you. but then again. i have mastered crying silently, when you share a room your whole life its something you get good at in a hurry. but still. and it bothered me that it wasnt even the truth. “i feel bad, like i just scolded yo ufor something i dont even think you are” well yes you fucking do think i am all that. ortherwise you wouldnt have conspired with who was going to tell me about this devestating truth.
and where does that leave us? what is the crux of the issue here?
i cant be around any of them anymore. thats what weve accomplished.
i cant do it. maybe had one of you guys come up to me earlier and said something we could reverse the damage. but since you assure me that its all of you guys and all of our male counterparts who feel this way i dont really want to see any of you.
and i mean that. any of you.
you three im just hurt by. i dont feel embarassed or ashamed becuase ive seen the worst sides of you too and know in the end, none of us is any better than another. but the rest of them. i do i feel ashamed, and embarrassed, and thats not somethign im going to recover from. i dont want to be around them anymore. and i dont think i really want to be around you anymore.
this is the first day of my period when girls are most rash and emotional. but i cant help but feel this is real this time.
its not that im really that angry even. its just clear i dont belong there. i dont really belong anywhere. and im so tired of trying to fit. you know, you never win? ill never fit. i have tried every different angle every different facade every different face (my own included) ever line, every word, every emotion, every courtesy, and none of it has ever worked. and im tired of trying.
i just want to be done with it.
it hurts inside it hurts everywhere. ive thought these things before, deciding just to not talk to anybody anymore. but then i always came to the conclusion that eventually i would again and all that would be accomplished is i would have wasted a few good weeks worth of memories and good times. but i dont feel like that this time. i feel sad that i have to miss out on all the good times. i realy dont think i can be happy around those guys again. the life wtih em jen and kal revolves around them. and with all the shit thats been going on with jen and now this. i dont want that either.
i wish i knew how to stop feeling like this.
actaully this feeling is very odd. when i feel snow boarding i was so jarred i literally sat in the snow tyring to decide if i was in pain. i realyl wasnt sure, eventaully i just stood up and stated again. it hurt like fucking hell later. its how i feel now. im sure im hurt, but i dont feel it, i just know i must be. im not looking forward to when i do feel it.
i will not force my company on people.
and thats what this comes down to.
ems biggest argument. and most likely she was holding back. is taht im too smilely. too friendly. hug people too much. talk to them one on one too much. (she never said i hit on them and i would call her a fuckign liar if she did becuae i know i dont. guess what, wanna know a secret? i hate getting sick at parties, so i drink a little and act more drunk than i am, its still hella fun. btu that does mean im less inhibited but not completely gone like the rest of them) whats so horrible to hear about that is that i find it so hard to just talk to people sober or really smile as much as i want to (fucking gross teeth) and its nice to not worry about that drunk. but now i find that i cant do that. my p.e.r.s.o.n.a.l.i.t.y. is not a good one and i need to change it. to talk less. smile less. interact with people on a whole less.
and like i said. im done tyring to please everyone and anyone. becuase i know, i fucking know. the mintue i did everything you asked and was less of all thosethigns. i would just hear kalyn asking concerned why i was sad, and emily pulling me aside and asking me whats up and jen getting pissed that im not beign fun and not making out iwth her. i fucking know it. its never enoght. for you or anybody else in this world.
plus. it would make me miserable.
so like i said. i just dont want to.
its so weird to think im not just going to suck it up and act the way everyone wants me to. ive done that for so fucking long now. thats how i know this isnt just period emotions. becuase whether i go through with it and just see them less. or if i dont. either way. its not fucking fixed. and it never will be. im going to be unhappy either way. and theres nothing i can do about it.
i know i cant do it. for christs sake i just wish i would do waht i say im going to do someday. i hate being alone too much. but i dont want to see them either. im not going to that concery. i dont want to. i dont want to see any of them. i dont want to see anybody. i dont want anybody do see me.
what if just ended early?
all of this?
the song thats playing right before she almost jumps is free bird
pray that god will turn me into a bird and i can fly far far away
maybe she thought she was a bird and when she jumped shed just fly over the busy street below
maybe im a bird too.
there only ever is one way to find out.
maybe when you die you dont know it. maybe if you jump you really do become a bird. you close your eyes right before you die on impact so the last thing you see alive is the ground rushing towrads you. and maybe in that split second when your head bursts open and brain matter goes every which way, maybe a new life or different exisitence, or some fucking movie that plays for eternity for our benefit kicks on and your tricked into thinking you flew at the last second and missed the pavement. that you can go on flying forevevr.
maybe thats what death is.
maybe i should get there early. i always liked testing things.
i am so tired.
maroon/red/maroon/red/maroon/red/maroon/red/maroon/red.
red won but i secretly agreed with maroon. but i never liked the color maroon. i just dont understand it in the slightest.
