There’s an imminent possibility that i have lost my faith in mankind.
and its only slightly upsetting.
so new information.
i learned the truth of why ashley doesnt like me; yes i am prissy, but she too believes that its my fault her friends are no longer friends, and dun dun dun, she too likes cameron.
isnt that just lovely? so now i can give it to her, she does have a good reason to dislike me, a good reason indeed. id dislike me too. in fact, i am prepared to go so far as to say i do indeed dislike me.
im going to explain it here. because anywhere else would make me sound full of myself.
(i wonder from time to time if it is possible that i am the only one who thinks it sounds boastful to talk about certain things and ungenuine to talk about certain problems, maybe i am to harsh a critic on the general public? either way, ill still hold myself to the belief, but ill try not to judge everyone else by it.)
i wanted to explain to josh. why we had to help ashley p. in some way. that it wasnt just a matter of easing my conscious, because i really dont think thats it. ive wondered for some time whether i had an increased sense of empathy than the average person. i can say it here, because if i lie to myself it doesnt hurt anyone, that i dont particularly enjoy this sense of empathy. nor can i say i dislike it. however, at times it can prove inhibiting. i cant think about anything else and it hurts, but not in a “i feel bad for someone else” way, its a nd bit more. its like it really is me who feels that way. i know thats what the definition of empathy is, feeling someone elses pain like its your own. but goddamn it, ive heard about other people feeling bad for someone else. maybe it lasts for an hour or so then randomly and unexpectedly is provoked again later and the feeling is minimized but still there. muted. but it just doesn’t feel like that. its a physical throb, right in my chest. and it makes me feel ill and lethargic. it strips any me of any motivation i become sullen and depressed and everything feels hazier. i cant even always distinguish between whatever may or may not be upsetting me and what is upsetting the said person. it probably always starts because i really try to imagine just how they feel about something. the exact thoughts in their heads the places theyd go, the people theyd tell, the laughter theyd fake, the tears theyd hide, the smiles that dont quite reach the eyes. I want to understand. I think about whatever is closest to something ive experienced and then I cant get that feeling out of my head. Its like something that use to hurt so much has come back; but its absurd because its usually situations that no longer apply that I don’t care about; but the feeling is back. I also wonder how drastically their face can change.
do you ever do that? something is wrong. really wrong. but youve got… the game face. the face everyone recognizes. but at the same time its only half helpful because it really doesnt seem to want to stay in place. it will, at the risk of making you numb, a risk i think most everyone endures for their privacy. the smile is s.t.u.c.k in place. the voice is falsley cheery, good god someone should realize this is not what my voice sounds like. and you do the zoning. whats wrong? you seem out of it… oh, really? im just tired, sorry, how about blah blah blah… and then youve successfully deviated to a different conversation. and it only makes it worse that they can so easily be persuaded that everything is fine when clearly nothing is fine, but its what they see because its what they want to see, and who are you really to deny them what they want?
but yes, the face changes. drastically. in seconds. and it really does crack. thats no metaphor, it really does. your face cracks on a few different levels. the eyebrows furrow your mouth splits, eyes squint, the muscles in your neck and shoulders strain. your body bends. its a physical metamorphosis. But it really does crack inside. You have absolutely no emotion the entire night/day but the minute your alone, somewhere you wont be interrupted it’s the first thing you do.
but faces change in other ways too. In public when you despise either who your with or what your doing. You say something and are smiling and laugh then turn around and BAM. Smiles gone, eyes slightly bugged and the “go fuck your ass sideways with a cork screw” look comes on and if the other people only new they’d be a little more than frightened. Either way. I wonder how much faces change.
Now the convenient thing about what I believe is at times a near crippling sense of empathy, is that its not constant. If it was, I might die. And maybe it all balances out? I really believe it bothers me more than others, but at the same time I don’t feel mildly bad for everyone, I just feel extreme pain for a select few. That could be a lie, but ill stick to it for now.
The point of this whole anecdote?
The focus is inward, but outward we shall pursue.
As I was saying, the point of this anecdote is that at times people seem to scream.
The most interesting thing should be said. I cant understand the population. Because their selfishness is so all encompassing it goes beyond my ability to understand. Because there are always those. Who become so angry. So upset. So fucking pissed off. That they are not the ones who I hear screaming. Instead. Of maybe, say thinking. About the person. Who must have something wrong with them if theyre worrying me so. No. wont happen. Don’t know why a part of me expects it. But still. I always am a little confused. Its that question. Seriously, seriously? Youre mad at me because instead of bending over backward for you this time im bending over backward for someone else?
Ive really tired to think this through. It occurred to me that I am in the minority. That everyone else in the world can give their undivided attention to everyone who needs it. That no one in anyone elses life ever gets only some help or none at all. That maybe everyone was given some divine ability to hear every cry and had the perfect advice every time.
Ive decided this isn’t so in a very self absorbed manner, but its still seems to make sense. The people I know don’t always know when I am upset nor do they attempt to help me in such times. By no fault of their own of course, but it still stands that this sense of divinity is flawed. Furthermore there would be no suicides, no cutters, none of such happenings if everyone had someone there for them when they needed it the most.
So the idea that I lack some divinity the rest of the world has remains; however I do no believe that such divinity is the nature of knowing when everyone needs help and using that knowledge to help them to the fullest of ones ability.
So therefore there is a deep hate mingled with an even deeper sadness that this continues to happen. Yes. I weigh you all. If you have a better method then please tell me what you do to help everyone. But so help me god if you don’t have a damn good reason why columbine happened then im not going to give you too much credit. If your method is flawless then divulge to me why people are still dying. But perhaps you don’t claim to have a flawless method, just a better one. In which case with no trace of sarcasm I would like to hear it. If I knew a better way I would practice it. I think I know why people get angry. Because I am suppose to have more loyalty to a select few people than to others. And that’s a very valid argument. So long as you’re one of the select few people. But, if your one of the millions of other ones, it seems a little incongruent. So yes I am a weigher. I want to be there for whomever seems to need it the most. And to some extent, the part of me that is sick and tired of being yelled at for not helping you I want to say suck it the fuck up and help your goddamn lazy ass self. Who the fuck are you to tell me im not doing enough? Your so busy wallowing in self pity because… Your boyfriend left you/cheated on you/ lied to you/ moved far the fuck away/ beats you/ turned gay. Your family member died/ hates you/ is doing drugs/ committed suicide/ divorced/ molested you/ left you. Youre struggling with money/ love/ hate/ depression/ rape/ self image/ bulimia/ cutting/ drug abuse/ suicidal thoughts/ homosexuality/ self hate/ insanity or mental illness/ cancer/ illness/ limited life/ having lost faith in humanity/ school/ motivation/ direction/ loneliness/ extreme all encompassing loneliness. You want to run away/ die/ live/ kill someone/ hurt yourself/ destroy a loved one/ hurt people/ forget the world/ remember the world/ slip into unconsciousness/ wake up/ do something/ do nothing/ be yourself/ be someone else/ be avenged for the fact that you have nothing to be avenged for..
These are all serious fuck problems. Every single one. One is in no way worse than the other. But every single person in the world has them. You are not unique. You are not alone. You are no more divinely hurt than they are. People will not be enlightened to learn this about you. They will most likely feel empathetic. And then remember one of the other ones down the line that pertains to themselves.
I in no way hold anything against anyone who is hurting. Quite on the contrary, id very much like to do something to ease that pain if possible.
So who then is the “goddamn lazy ass” mentioned above?
The ones who get angry that theyre not at the top of my list. A.) I personally believe, and perhaps am completely wrong, but if you can still get mad that your not being helped instead of just hurting more. Then there is enough fight left inside of you to the point where I don’t imagine you killing yourself. Sure, that’s a risk. But frankly, I don’t like the fucking attitude and it’s a risk im going to take as there are others, who scare me shitless by whats not being said. If you can get angry, then there is still something in you that’s not hurt. Hurt is not a vaporous unknown. Its not a dream, or an emotion, a mental state, an after image. It is a true physical pressure related substance in side of anyone who is unhappy (and there are a fucking lot of people unhappy). Sure that’s metaphorical but you can probably ask anyone truly unhappy what it feels like and I imagine many different variations. Many different metaphors, many different articulations. But that’s what it feels like for me. And the fact that we all know what it feels like gives testament to the fact that we all feel it. If there is something else you can feel because anger and hate and envy and jealousy are all very different then hurt then i whole heartedly believe you need to get off your goddamn lazy ass stop crying and fucking do something to save one of those that isn’t so fortunate as you to have the divine blessing of hate/love/happiness/genuine laughter/jealously/envy/smiles/frowns/anger/and shouting. Because the ones who are hurt aren’t talking anymore. And if you don’t find them soon they never will again.
In a perfect world I would condemn any who are still functioning and not helping or at least trying to help someone else. But there are several flaws with that. First and foremost would be that all but a select few would suffer condemnation. I would put my name on the top of that list. We are all guilty. We aren’t helping. And when we are helping, its not enough. The second flaw is that if you don’t worry about yourself then no one will. And we will all fall into a self made trap and destroy ourselves and there will be nothing left. That fate is only reserved for a select few. You are not one of them. You need to help yourselves, god save you because no one else will. You cant count on anyone else. Im not telling you to be cruel. Im telling you because if you don’t learn it now youre apt to be terribly disappointment. That sort of shocking, revelation inducing disappointment is often a reason for suicide. So please. Do not become a martyr for your own unhappiness. That too is not nearly as noble as it sounds.
So instead im only going to condemn those who get in my way. Those who condemn me for trying for someone else. Im sorry. My only defense is that im not helping myself. Just someone else. You might be next. But id have a hell of a lot more respect for you if you were trying for someone else too. Were all hurting. But I think the best way to help ourselves is to realize we cant live focusing on whats not right. The best way is to give yourself new purpose. Help someone who isn’t as fortunate. You can wallow and wait to be saved. But that just means some one else is being left unnoticed. Im not saying they need more help than you.
I have run out of words. But unfortunately I missed whatever point I was trying to make. I cant remember if ive ever managed to make it. Im a hypocrite whose pages should be burned when the crows fall out of the skies and seas rise to meet the sun.
Colorless green thoughts sleep furiously.
Its okay though, ill commit anonymous martyrdom before the end and no one will no it but it will prove my life worth while. And my lasting legacy of being a horrific person will live on; little do you know that that is exactly what saves me from purgatory. Im going straight to hell.
The crows will fall out of the skies.
and wont you be a pretty little girl then?
the girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead.
when she was good she was very very good
but when she was bad she was horrid
the girl is on the side of my head you fucking jackass.
fucking curls
i dont even have a bunk bed anymore.
