On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

thats such an incredible song that it will most likely have many other lines from it stolen to be used as titles. like always im going to convey my surprise that anyone reads this and my further apologies for sounding so whiny in the last post. bronchitis, plus codene, plus antibiotics (damn those doctors, damn them all to hell) puts me in a whiny sort of state.

much more importantly is that, that bastard cameron started texting me last night. even more annoying is so did justin the same day. and i get to look forward to the march 2 with, wait for it, cameron. justin. and josh. all at the same foo fighters concert.

holy freaking god in a minivan, thats going to be so odd. my plan might be to just hand (that is not the word ”stick” which is what i meant to write, i feel like im in a stable sound of mind but when i read what i just wrote it doesnt make sense… not hand. stick) with jeff who is also going to the concert.

josh remains firm that he loves me. and that hes going to make himself more attractive and then ill like him back. i find our relationship the most intriguing relationship ive had in a while. not the best, not by far, but intriguing. normal people dont constantly talk about stuff like this. i think it might be becuase he consistently and persistently expresses his love for me and i consistently and persistently deny to myself and him that he has any feelings at all. i dont want him to change himself. i dont want him to have hope that im going to care baout him the same way. i like him as a firend. i really really do. i dont want to lose his company. ah the world is a troubling place.

justin remains firm that he loves me. that i could deal with. but he also remains firm that i love him. which a part of me does sure. but not entirely. i dont want to be with him. but here he is nonetheless. and he is oh so ever persisent. and i am upset in life. and he has such a great shoulder to cry on. ive tried to explain to him, were only ever seeing each other becuaes of him. that i wouldnt go to him becuase i know thats wrong but im not strong enough to avoid his company and help when its so readily volunteered. i cant stand to hurt him. either of them. ah the world is a cruel place.

the only of the three who doesnt seem to care about my well being at all. the only one who i am trying desperately to help and he wont let me. the only one who never seeks out my company. who never appears to need help. who seems least affected by what i do. but hes the only one i like. cameron. ah the world is a confusing place.

and i havent the slightest idea what to do about any of them. josh<justin<cameron.

is that fair? no. not in the slighest.

whats worse? is NONE of this is set in stone. or ALL of this is subject to change. i just dont know. i hate not knowing. why cant josh just not like me, justin date someone new, and cameron take a slight interest in me.

in the end, i will let you down, i will make you hurt.

but whom?

josh?
justin?
cameron?
me?

all four? that seems most likely.

im really sad about it this time. right now. so long. so much time wasted.

one got wasted and the others a waste.

i hate him. im really really hurt. and as always im hurt no one cares. its like they expected this to happen. or that i should have known better. that there was no other way for it to work out.

she should have known better.

im really tired. the medicine is making me incredibly tired. I just wanted to say that he hurt my feelings. a lot. that i dont like being stung along. i want the bare minimum amount of courtesy. no one else has ever been dumped like this. usually the guy will at least tell the girl shes being dumped. but no. the effort was not wasted. i suppose thats economic.

im hurt. its taking all of the other feeling away. i want to ask someone why. but who? my own friends dont give a shit. they never do. but i probably never care enough about them either. i try to. but bries most likely right. im wrapped up in my own life.

im oh so sleepy. what is new what is new?? um ive offically decided that me and cameron are not dating. its been about two weeks since we last actaully hung out. a week since we had a real conversation. and i cant remember how long ago it was since he actaully initiated a conversation. so that was the most anticlimatic end of all time. seriously, seriously. all those months. all thost wasted day dreams. countless entries. countless ponderings, worries, hopes, etc. all to come to this; absolutely nothing. so wasnt that grand? wasnt that just fine? super? swell? yes indeed, indeed. yesterday night would have been a more accurately bitter rendition. I am a little upset. all of that. and really, there was a hell of a lot. my whole life fucked up and over for this and. nothing.

and thats what upsets me most, it came to nothing. quite literaly. he didnt even have the commom courtesy to say “hey ashley, not happening. have a nice life”. even a tiny conclusive cliche would have been better. but no. i am apparently not even worth that much. dont spare and words on me; just let me sit here and ponder for weeks whether i should or should not try something else.

its just not really fair. and then of course the lovely gift of getting to guess what exactly it was i did so horribly wrong. the most frightening choices are he found me terribly dull (which i find incredibly likely). hmm i cant seem to avoid coming off boring, perhaps its my personality. second possibility, he saw me without my shirt on and the sight was so repulsive he couldnt bear to endure my company even another day. option three, ashley decided i was prissy, told the rest of them and they agreed and now he doesnt want anything to do with a prissy bitch like me. que triste.

so no cameron. its done. over. out. finished. ultimo. final. fin.

second topic of interest. the reoccuring theme that is justin. ran into him at adams party. a part of me wants to be able to say its done. over. out. finished. ultimo. final. fin.

but of course i cant. and i dont know if id want to. i want to be cared about. but argh, im done thinking about such.

the good news? oh yes there is good news. talk about incredibly surprising, i have good news.

the good news is, dun dun dun dun dun dun (6 duns becuase its that big of a deal) ive gone off and made new friends. im so proud of me for not being antisocial. i really like jeff he seems great. and im pretty darn attracted to john, but hes emilys. i hate that. i hate that rule with girls because i am selfish and becuase its stupid. if a girl likes a guy first (or proclaims it first) then her friends can never go for him. its obvioulsy selfish of me to want to pursue him beucase clearly emily likes him and i shouldnt stand in the way of that. but i find the rule stupid because i wouldnt be standing in the way of that. he doesnt like her. nothing i do would change that. i would never think about doing anything with a freinds crush unless i was sure there wasnt going to be anything between them. it was the same thing with juustin. i had to feel guilty and like a terrible friend for liking him. but what could one expect? me and her are so alike, it only makes sense that wed like the same kind of guys. and yes, she tends to have a claim over them first. but a lot of that could be to the fact that shes much more social than i am. becuase i am shy at first i dont ever get to pursue guys that she jumps on at first glimpse. it doesnt seem fair. but who am i to complain? what it comes down to is that i wouldnt mind a one night stand with john. im not presumptuous enough to think i could ever actaully date him. i dont know what kind of girl he would be interested in dating, but it someone far above and beyond myself. but still a one night stand could be fun. but of course hes taken. sigh. blah. grrr.

oh yes back to my good news. yay for meeting new people like jeff and toby and john and stacey and charles. very fun indeed. and i get to go camping with them for spring break! i sound like a really nerdy girl in junior high… but such ill live with, im excited regardless.

and thats about it. except that i have bronchitis and its no fun. gracias para esta me escuchando.

so i usually start with a song quote, but this is a much more pressing matter. my knew life plan is that im going to eat myself into oblivion. muahahhaha.

vicious cycle?

i break up with justin because i didnt feel like he appreciated me or shared any of the same interests
crush on cameron developes
now not with justin nor with cameron
and then i get sad
and then i eat because i am sad
and then i get bigger
then i am sadder
so i eat more.
then cameron makes a move
then i get happy
and i eat less
and i lose weight
and i look way better
then cameron decides to continue with the theme of no words…
and i eat
only way more
i might be more upset then before
i was determined not to eat after 7 oclock tonight
i got home from work at ten and basically just stuffed my face until i couldnt more anymore…
ive gotten so fat, im going to become one of those girls with a gut
but i cant bring myself to stop eating without a little bit of inspiration
but no one would want to be around me like this
i am almost 115 pounds now.
whats worse than that is any muscle i had is gone, ive always been wirey but what weight i did have was muscle.
but now its just fat. so much fat.

115lbs and only 5′6.

fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatftafatftaftaftaftafta

yuck

whats wrong with me.

i need to work out. i need to eat right. but i dont want to

i just want to feel cared about.

why the fuck am i so whiney? its a damn good thing no one reads this.

so tomorrow, ill fast for one day. then if that goes moderately well ill fast for half of thursday. and eat small. blah. sigh. sleep.

prissy

josh

emily

ice cream

what else should i be?

all alpologies.

in the sun, in the sun, in the sun i feel as one.

blah. prissy. fuck.

nice. too nice. short bursts. fuck.

sigh. should/woulda/coulda. fuck

lonely. really not sure. anymore. fuck.

fuck.my.ass.sideways.

okay okay okay. the crux of the issue.

i like cameron. this should be beyond self evident at this point. however, a lovely new conflict has arisen. because, i can not be without conflict. or i might melt. or maybe not. im not sure which.

were not dating. ive decided that. dating couples do things. they talk. speak. say an array or words to each others. we. do. not.

i felt numbingly lonley these last few months. as we can see form previous posts and terrible decisions. coughjoshcough. so when cameron kissed me that night i sorta assumed that lonliness would go away. that didnt happen. in fact, friday might have been the worst.

i woke up. i wouldnt have been in anthem, except kaitelynn and toni were suppose to come over that day. the night before i had texted cameron. but to keep with our not saying words theme he didnt answer. so i stayed up late the night before watching tv. so i woke up, late. watched, dun dun dun, more tv. realized my brain most likely was decaying. watched more tv. watched columbo, que divertido. then i elected to shower. i was going to dry my hair and put on makeup. but then i realized no one would see it. so i went down stairs with my hair wet and watched freedom wrtiers. then i jen and chris came home. then i went to levis to buy clothes. and i saw cameron. and i initiated conversation. and we talked a little bit about his car, and then i left. then i went home. and i slipped into unconsiouness. when i woke at 8 i learned family was not coming. and then i realized i only know 5 people in the entire world, and one i know by default. in fact, a second also got into the five by default, but i think he might actaul;ly hold a spot now.

emily
kalyn
jen
josh
cameron

cameron  is default. i feel that becuase ive made out with him topless and becuase he has called me his girlfriend that he must be in the five, besides, i tried to hang out with him. i first thought of kalyn, then realized she was with david, then emily and jen, at jeffs. then  cameron. capcom and marvel. then josh. amanda. so all the people i knew in the world were busy. its going to say atrophy on my death certificate.

and his friends dont like me. which is really affecting me more than it should. i know im overly sensitive. ive always been that way. ill just try harder not to let people know (specific ppl) that im sensitive about such things. its part of why i hate women. she knew i might read it. but she did it anyways. why are girls so mean? i feel pathetic. i still want her to like me. i really liked her. i wish i wasnt a woman. being a gay man would have been better. i really wanted them to like me. but then agian that are a lot of things i really seem to want. sigh.

empathy

hurts

poor emily

fuck john. fuck everyone who doesnt care about her like i do. fuck ashley for her comment. fuck them for laughing.

im not care free. im  full of emotional baggage. i shouldnt date someone if i just cant have fun.

i never like my own life. but i dont think id like anyway elses life either. or maybe id like them, but id still want someone elses.

i didnt think until tonight that i might be depressed again.

what should i do about him?

i meant it when i said to emily.

it must have been a mistake. we dont talk at all. without the melodrama i actaully, for the first time mind you, feel used. i think he just wanted a girlfriend. or to lose his virginity. or at least a female to rub up against. but i think the first is closest, he just wanted to the other two wrapped up into it. i thought he liked me. but i think i was just the only semidecent possibility. i actaully feel hurt. and mislead. i fucked up my whole life for this. and what is this really? home. again. alone.

this is such a disapointment. i gave away the things i loved and one of them was you. now my dreams are just grounds in the coffee, grounds in the coffee. im so vain (vague), i probably think this song is about me, im so vain (vague), i probably think this song is about me, dont i? dont i? dont i?

i dont want to see him again. i dont want to really see anybody.

but what if he doesnt leave me alone? what if he tries to contact me? what if for a second i realize i want him to? what if im disappointed when he doesnt?

what if i realize i really dont want, him to or care if he does?

what it comes down to? what do i do when he calls and i dont want him too and i pick up anyways becuase i know i have to and it becomes justin all over again?

what do i do when none of this happens?

who is john galt?

how is a raven like a writing desk?

i dont have either? maybe?

god help me who is john galt.