On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

i want to be more cultured:

basically, id like to go to museums
learn about art
public libraries
i want to go places.

and now is the time

im going to study abroad at sea

and this summer, im going to try to convince jen em and kal to go on a ridiculous

the flippant displays of peoples pyschs, emotions, feelings, revelations and what have you has never been to my liking. its an ever persistent theme that involves questioning the motives for every action begun long ago in freshman year. regardless of such i have never really taken time to quesitonw why believe this but now is not the time as i m ust go to work. blast.

im pathetic.

i could very well end it there.

but im not.

but there is hope

so ha fucking ha ha ha ha

hardy-fucking-har

ha.

here where there is hope. first we must understand what i am now hoping.

(i sound like the annoying evil nemisis at the end of the cheesy movie who monologues instead of killing the hero)

but anyways.

i use to hope that he would change his mind and like me maybe and then i could stop feeling this miserable.

and i still hope for such. but only in the most accidental way. i no longer want to feel like this and dont want to hope for such. but for some reason i cant seem to stop. its doesnt make any sense. this has never happened to me. which makes me feel all the more pathetic. i want to give an explanation; to excuse this ridiculous behavior, to make amends for my being so pathetic. and all i can really come up with is. i dont feel stupid around him. and thats more or less amazing. if i shouted “by the powers of grey skull!!” after locking my keys in my car i dont think hed think i was insane. if i went on about how sick it is in stephen kings dark tower that randal flag is forced to gouge out his own eyes, then rip his tongue out and feed it to a spider god. well, maybe he would think i was a little fucked up after that… but SITLL i doubt he would be as creeped out by me as the normal person is. if i sung harvy danger or blind melon he wouldnt care, well that already happens a lot and he laughs at me and thats waht counts. waht it comes down to is i think hes the first male ive met that i could actaully be myself around. im too shy to act normal all the time and it has to be coaxed out of me slowly over a long length of time. and even then, you never truely get to the bottom of it all. usually. it didnt seem id have that problem with him. and when you add everything else about him it makes him damn near impossible to get over. he likes good music. he thinks. hes so damn funny. he really is nice. in the few fucking hours i spent iwth him on his birthday he had been nicer to me than any other guy ive known. he accomplished more in hours then justin did in a year… he draws the types of things id like to look at. and truth be known, write about. i like his friends. that may seem like it has nothing to do with it but it really does for me. i dont know why, but its really important to me. and i like all of his friends that ive met. ryan and bonnel i had already sorta met before and had already decided i liked before i even started working at levis. and the last one, though its not least improtant. i use to feel shallow for letting this be a factor, but now im pretty sure its just the natural order of things. he is so attractive. ive never wanted any boy more. honestly, if right now you  forced me to choose between  fucking fight club brad pitt and cameron bode i would have to choose the latter. and it wouldnt even be a hard choice. i mean i really dont think i can convey how attractive i find him.

and thats how i really should have known. i can never actaully get a guy who is all those things. maybe a nice guy, but not one i find attractive. one who is attractive but not nice maybe (though ive never dated one nor do i ever plan on such). one who is sorta attractive but only sorta nice at best.

it was dumb of me to ever think id be noticed. im flattered that he even did that much.

BUT getting back to the originial point. oh yes there is a point, and an original one at that.

the point being. i refuse to let myself become one of the pitied girls like lacey or ashleigh (or no doubt rachel). who like me fell into a similar trap and then were left pathetically and pitied much.

if there is one thing i really cant stand its pity. its one of those things i seem to have an abundance of (that and the fat that accumulates on my ass and hips… but alas, another days complaint) and i just cant stand it. i hate people feeling sorry for me. i know i know i know without all fo the stupid sad glances and sighs and im sorry’s bullshit.

so the hope is such

i know im pathetic, but perhaps no one else has to know that or at least not to the full extent.

what brought this on?
 
cute bio lab boy (who now has a name, triston, what a weird name, but lo que sea)
and for about a month and half ive noticed im and hoped i would be able to say somethign witty great and classical, maybe along the lines of “hi” or even “hello” but becuase i am agian that great word comes to mind (there should be more synonems for such) pathetic, i couldnt even manage that… but then alas. on the LAST day of chem lect. last opportunity, i sat next to him. and at the VERY end of class he asked me how i did on the lab presentations. and i said i hadnt checked yet. he walked with me to the front of the lecture hall and we talked about the class. then he walked me half way to my car and asked if we could carpool or something to the last final review, i said sure and he asked for my number. it was pretty adorable because he was so incredibly nervous. he even forgot his phone number when i asked for it =P and really i would be incredibly excited for such a prospect. but he isnt cameron. and that what really ruins this for me.

im angry at cameron for ruining this for me. nice boys never talk to me. and dun dun dun here one is. and i still just want cameron. i s’pose its not his fault and fault may only be credited to my patheticness (nice made up words) that results in my unrealistic hope.

but sigh i dont know. im going to make a pathetic decision. the decision is such. should i like bio boy and should we start to date im going to explain to him prior that im not interersted in anything exclusive or serious. and meanwhile im still going to pursue cameron. and that way if soemthing ever happens (not that ill make it known im trying to make him notice me, b/c i dont wanna end up like lacey or ashleigh) then i can stay bye triston and pursue greater things. but still. i almost wish he hadnt have talked to me. then i could just be miserable in peace.

blasted boy

whats fun was fun but done is done.

i usually make the title first, but not today. im so filled with envy, and thats fairly unusual and in fact i dont feel as ive ever felt quite like this before. or maybe i have and its just been such a long time. but either way its foreign and doesnt suit me in the slightest. envy has such bad connotations but if anything i think that in this instance as least it should be flattering. i mean no ill will against those im jealous of (…dangling participle…) what it comes down to is i see what theyre doing and i wish i could be apart of it. or at least embark on the same experiences with my own friends. but my friends are spread across the nation. my boyfriends it no more, i thought id have another one by now (no point kidding a kidder) but no. my family is far from me. and even if they lived next door ill never have them back. its a hard thing to realize. i know people deal with divorce everyday, that five and six year olds have to learn to accept it. but im selfish and i want to imagine its somehow worse for me. worse because i was so use to my family. so damn fixed in our family routines and traditions. everythign had a place and everything in its place. but not so much anymore. that bothers me. it bothers me more that they dont seem to realize just what theyve lost. whats been taken from all of us (the entire family, not just sarah, me, chris, or jenny, but mom and dad as well) theyre so bent on making it like nothings changed that a part of them really has forgotten. not because their efforts were strong enough but becuase theyre trying so damn hard the near exhausten of such leaves no room for anything else. it bothers me more that this bothers me. i tried the same thing. but now i just want to be bitter and upset. i know i should just go on as they are. know that i should just accept as they have accepted and try to make it better. but now that i really know i dont think i can. thats upsets me the most; not that i cant salvage some sort of psuedo family life but because i am to selfish to capture some sort of psuedo family life. so bent on having back my family that im not trying all that hard to make a new one. i know that new one couldnt be half as good.

mia may not be smart but she knew math. 7 is more (better) that five, and five is more than three, and three is more than one. and even one is more (better) than none.

and i know it too. half is more (better) than none. i should, in the words of the great sage and eminent junkie “deal”. i should make it better for everyone else. i should try my best and all of that other inspirational bull shit. but i dont want to. i want to cry about what is lost and then leave it behind. find something else (or create, that seems more practical) and hope it replaces it in every way.

which leads us back to my self suffocating envy. i want to be close to my family. but i cant. i want to be close to my friends. but i cant. i have no idea how to recreate either happy environment. so i wont. which leads me to seeing other’s lives going as they want it to and me begging to be a part of it. and yes, it does go back to me liking cameron. but that really isnt all.

i see ashley (i still think of her last name as being algorithym sometimes…) pennick, ryan, and steven moving in together. and i get so damn jealous. i really liked that group of people. i know that sounds completely lame and horribly pathetic but i did. its funny that i right this sometimes being afraid that someone else will read it so i apologize for my behavior by admiting that im lame and pathetic. that use to bother me. bother me that in the one place im suppose to be hoenst i still let other peoples opinions affect me. it doesnt anymore. i cant exactly say why. i think its because it still is how i feel. its still honest. maybe even more so. i feel stupid. humiliated (and thank god no one reads this or that would increase ten-fold), pathetic, and embarrassed that i feel this way. that i would want to live with them. get to be apart of there great popculture clan and fuck around all day watching back to the future and reading comics. when i tend to like a boy, i tend to pick up their interests so that we have somethign in common. i wont lie, i did that with cameron. but unlike other serious crushes, chris and justin, i actaully found that i like the things hes into. i find them interesting. theres and actaul basis of mutual agreement to build off of. and that only makes it all the worse. at least with cameron and chris is was just a huge exaggeration. i pretended to be interested, but i never was. i really dont care that much about the drums, and i didnt like soccer at all. but i find his things interesting. i actually like his music, i love art. stopping. everytime i see one of ashleys bulletins about moving in i get sad. thats why i dont feel guilty about my envy, becuae im not angry in the sligthest. just sad, sad  that i cant have somethign like that. that i cant be apart of that or even somethign similar. i dont know a single person who would want me aroudn that much to ever do that. and it depresses me terribly. i feel so lonely. i want so many things. i try so hard. and i know thats only worse. i hate that i end up hating myself because i try so hard to be liked. i hate that if i didnt try as hard i would hate that i wasnt tyring. and of course i just hate that i hate myself when i feel so lonely and unloved and maybe i wouldnt feel so like this if i just didnt hate myself but this visicious circle only has one side.

so i see her posts and they make me sad. make me wish i could join them. everything goes back to the dark tower these days (all things serve the beam) but of course ive read probably over 2500 pages of it so it makes sense it woulda taken its hold on me. but its like the horrible spider monster. steven king must be afriad of spiders because whenever he write about horrors to unspeakable to name he makes them spiders. (warning spoiler, ahahaha) the creature in IT is a giant spider in its true form. a giant lady spider in its true form, (if it do ya, does me just fine). wow phone at home all day and one text from emily and thats it… o’ discordia… plus in the books his fear of discordia spawns from red spiders crawling in and out of a dead chickens eye, perhaps they would have bitten him and the tower would have fallen, but thats neither here nor there. but following such trends the crimson king is a spider thats caught in its own (ahaha, wait for a pun ‘thats lazy writing’) web of insanity, and his son is of course half a spider half a human child. not a hybrid constantly of the two. but a being that could morph into either given its desire. well the reference ive been slowly building up too… the spider/child sees roland and his ka-tet and knows he will destroy them. has to. but not becuase of a blind hate for roland as walter o dim/marten/randall flagg did. he needs to destroy him because he loves them. he cant stand, that he should be rolands son but roland already has his prodigal son, his isaac (quite literally), and that he has no place. no place as a leader no place at all. his need to kill them steals away his hope that they would ever, could ever accept him. he sees the circle they make when they palvar and wants only to be apart of it (to be a side to the cirlce? ayuh, mayhap) the fact that the circle closes him off as an outsider destroys him. and to keep from being destroyed he need only destory the cirlce. thats why he does it i think.

i care not for destroying circles, if i cannot join, which seems always to be the case. ill just keep wandering a little further, mayhap ill make or find my own. ayuh.