On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

i couldnt quite find the word to describe how i feel. like i have no home. but here it is. i feel abandoned. i feel abandoned by jenny and by chris, by dad and by mom, cameron, and by josh, by levis on a whole, by justin, by kalyn, and by jen, and by annie. by nora, and tiffany. by emily by sarah. though its not their fault. and all those inbetween. i feel abandonded by people i hardly know. people i only wish i knew. i feel abandoned by myself on levels i dont quite understand.

maybe abandoned isnt the right word. its such a drastic word. so serious. so i suppose its not. its closer to the fact that i am here. and i would do anything for a decent distraction right now. but no one will. i cried and its been a long time since i did so genuinely. im just sad. and in despair. but i dispair easily, so that should come as no great surprise.

here in lies the problem. a little under a year ago i was terribly unhappy. the throughs of despair. saddest time in my life perhaps. yes definitely. ill always think of toner… but alas! i was certain that within a year, things would look brighter. that great saying, none of this will matter a year from now.

only this is the first time, in all of my short exsistence, when that didnt hold up. im still in the same plight over the same issues. the same people. and it hasnt changed at all. if anything some worsened while others stayed the same.

it wouldnt bother me so much. except that i had been so certain. so damn sure. i think it made last year easier being certian that i would be happier in a year. and now that im not. i feel cheated. and lied to. and whats worse is ive done it to myself. i cant simply decide it will all be fixed or at least not matter in a year, because i no longer know if thats true. so i dont know what to do to pass the time. so im writing. i wish i wasnt here. how i wish i could be anywhere else. people often wish that. and for the first time im wishing such not because i dont like the company around me but because there is no company around me. maybe

dependability in the symmantics of the word broken down, naturally. the ability to depend.

not refering to whether or not that dependence was rightly placed or whether expectations were fulfilled.

the former doesnt matter in the slightest as it never affects the amount of dependability in the world. in fact, id dare go so far as to say that dependability is a constant in the math equation of life. (i dont even like math. except for those rare days that i do). and if thats a constant then it only logically follows (hahaha, logic has no place in valleys such as these. only things that have been driven from sanity by their own maniacal laughter. yes indeed) but of course it only logically follows that one of lifes other great constants (disappointment) minus the parenthisis doubtlessly, should be in the same equations. the term great math equation of life is misleading im sure, i dont think theres just one. im sure there are hundreds. thousands? millions im startled but not surprised to think? and there all most likely spinning on some proverbial axis. the y? the x? probably the z? actaully its probably the good ole x, the least likely suspect therefore the one life would choose. sneaky bitch.

i havent the slightest idea where i was going with that.

but back to the topic of dependability.

with my numerous meanderings through ive decided such things as dependability are dangerous. dangerous becuase of its paradox.

some people dont know what paradox means. they mix it up with oxymoron. thats always disturbs me…

but its the truth in such paradoxes that frightens me. because such truth is easily deceiving. and it works both ways. the cellar door opens on both hinges. the cellar door!

in the column of truth there is a hole.

but how big?

big enough for dependability and disappointment to drift though, fucking up the lives of millions…

what it comes down to in a nut shell (surely smaller than the hole in the column of truth, of that i have little doubt) is that i dont think there is virtue in depending on others. perhaps there never was. theres plenty of virtue in allowing others to depend on you, whether that translates to merit i could not say, but virtue lets pray.

but it seems to never behoove us. i depend on emily to drive me to work instead of getting my car fixed earlier and driving myself. she takes a nap instead. im late. bad dependability, bad!

and then likewise. emily depends on her GPS to get her everywhere. the batteries die. emily is in the heart of lovely south phoenix and “the great sage and eminent junky” is telling her she has pretty lips… shes fucked. but hopefully not too literally. no indeed.

and a dozed more examples.

unfortunately, i dount i can simply be comepletey self reliant. it would be a drastic change. and seemingly impossible. but id like to think about it.

in the mean time im going to look for signed The Doors memrobilia. fun night.

——-

badada dadada dadada banehneh nehnehneh nehnehneh uohhhhhhhh uhoh uhoh uhoh uhoh

um im sure i should write something, as that is why i turned on the computer and came all the way here. it was a lot of work. youd be surprised. but nothign comes to mind.

s’pose meaningless highlights of my day would suffice… well if supposes were roses id have one rose i s’pose.

my car broke down, and i dont feel like spending money to fix it becuase im saving for a study aboard program. but i cant really get to work without it.

i called a cab company to get me to work, but they felt my buisness was unimportant and never showed up. communist bastards. i found a way in the end.

and then at work. a guy offered to buy me a $148 jacket because i said i liked it. i told him i had a boyfriend and he wouldnt like it if he did that. i lied. i have no boyfriend. he left. he returned. he bought me a hershey kiss. i said thank you. i lied again. he left. all was right in the world of Levis once more.

except that i hate it there with a passion that mocks all my other motivation (or more truthfully, a lack thereof).

so being in college has educated me greatly. educated me to the point where i realize i dont want to be anything. in fact, i dont really want to keep going in the slightest. id much rather become a traveling hobo. no one takes this seriously. no one. except me of course. whats so wrong with the life of a bum?

no but seriously it would be incredible.

and beyond that i think it needs to be said that steven king is one of the greatest writers of our time. if i had cancer. and they gave me one last wish (only they wouldnt because im 18 now) i would ask to meet him.

im reading the dark tower series and its so amazing. you should all read it. expand your literacy skills. it wont hurt that much. i promise.

oh and house of leaves. thats pretty incredible as well.

does anyone remember what time of year the girls scouts go around selling cookies? i could do with some thin mints. mmmm.

ugh. cameron started texting me today. ugh. why bother with such trivalties? but im lying. and even i know it. i was happy he texted. and happy my fridge letter magnests are going to such a noble cause.

i bet the world would be a better place if we all had fridge letter magnets

but on the latter. ryan stopped responding. which was sad; i find him rather intriguing.

emily is very sick. kidney infection. too much sex.

with gross boys.

eeew.

holy radioactive sardines batman. south park is on. and because i am oh so cultured i will scamper off (which is misleading, no scampering is necessary as i am already sitting on my couch) and watch this dramatic gem of cinematic amazingness.

oh yes.
—-

no more living life in the shadows

musing of the day? divorce is not fun. not fun in the slightest.

and further?

i think dad died, and i did it.

thats a little over the top im sure. but who is to say really?

and im tired.

i masterbated and thought of ryan while doing it.

weird huh?

i dont know why exactly. except for the fact that i think hes attractive.

if it werent for emily and for cameron, id probably flirt with him with the intension of dating him.

but a girlfriend as well. and i think ashley pinnick would hate me if i liked him.

but i dont like him.

i just wanted to think of him while masterbating. and i did. and it was damn good.

only at climax my imaginination was clear enough that i actaully thought he would penetrate me.

but then of course there was just the water from the faucet and ryans wasnt there to stick it inside of me.

it was rather disappointing. not the orgasim. that was great. just the lack of penis. that was disappointing

i still like cameron though.

but it doesnt stop me from wanting to have sex wherever i might be able to get it

today alone. i thought about sex with justin.

ryan.

cameron.

john.

emily.

and a hot austrailian guy.

the latter is a mere figment of my imagination. but i want to go to australia. and hopefully ill find a hot aussie

but i still like cameron.

only i think im about done with that. so thats really nice to know.

i also think im going to get in shape soon.

i stated eating healthier and thats a plus

i want to take a bum to lunch

i think im going to

divorce really sucks ass

super ultra major ass

oh i forgot to explain the idea of having sex with emily.

well i didnt really think of sex with emily. but a threesome with her and john bonnel.

that would be pretty fucking sick and id love doing it.

im so fucked up

and being so makes me incredibly ready to fuck

blah.

goddamnit

i wanted that bastard ryan to message back before he got off line

but no such luck

i feel ugly.

i wish that wasnt so.

i miss my family

and i wish that wasnt so either

i dont want the holidays to come

they will be weird and deppressing and full of things that make little to no sense

and i wish niether of those was true either

what the fuck do pandas have to do with christmas?

its sexual harassment. panda.

sexual harassment is when your trying to have sex with a lady friend

and another guy comes up behind you

and tickles your balls.

i miss my family.

i keep thinking about watching christmas vacation

ive watched that every year at christmas time for as long as i can remember

i want to watch it this christmas

but i dont think i will. but i want to. but im glad im not going to.

i use sex as a means of punishing myself.

this is the same thing.

i dont want to enjoy it.

time for such things is dead.

you shouldnt disturb the vagrant dead

let them be and pray they find piece.

do you see them walking the streets of new york? susannah does.

could i have let him die?

im tired again.

i think ill go home now.

what are we suppose to do?

arizona landscape laughs with its silent eyes.

smug ole bastard.