On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

why why why why why why why why why

do i still like that stupid silly boy?

even with all these other boys. but still it just comes down to the fact that i can’t have the one i want. and isnt that the way it always works out?

god simpsons will never get old

ed ladel…ahahaahhahah

chicken fish donkey eared broom hands!!!!

i dont want to like him anymore, ir eally dont. and the idea of seeing him on halloween is making me so depressed. its just, hes going to look so cute half dressed up as spiderman. i love those glasses on him.

sigh

this is getting me down. blah

and there ill be. a slut in little clothes hoping to turn his head and not succeeding in the least. sigh. why am i never good enough?

head in lab?? anythign to get out of work…

and then an angry scottishman is harbooned through the chest by a dolphin. oh yesss

bendy straws and the pudding cup!!!

i like cameron and i cant stop. and justin likes me and josh likes me and i just want cameron. why does he suck me so much.

why am i such a girl?? why cant i just move to a foreign country now? i swear to god a change of scenery changes everything and akes you feel better.

go wildcats?? wtf? go fucking sundevils dumbass walmart.

i like this carls jr comerical, a girl who isnt really pretty. eating a carls jr meal just as i would, doing somehting i would do (being a trucker) and looking like shit and not even caring. fuck yeah.

still upset. still upset. still hate the idea of me seeing him on halloween. im so pathetic. honestly, honestly. im embarrassed for myself right now. im embarrassed for everyone at levis becuase i know they are embarrassed for me and its always embarrasing to be embarrrased for someoine else. i have no idea if thats how yo uspell embarrased….

i like him and im sad and none of this maddens becuase i am really really sleepy.

good night?

i doubt as much.

….is it possible, that the secret behind spontaneous combustion is really that some people lie so so so much that their pants really do catch fire?

yeah. think about it.

and your welcome

and stop reading my blog damnit! 16 people per day stats my ass

i want everything. i want to hold the world in my hands. i want to know all of its secrets and all of its wonders. i want to see the places every man and woman has held sacred. i want to know its hiding places. i want all of its riches. i want to swim in every river and dive into every ocean. i want to glide along the surgace of the sea and then dry off in the sun of the desert. When im done i want to watcht the sunset from the canyons then hike to every peak and sleep under every inch of a star lit sky. i want each of those stars to shine just for me. i want to wake in a forest and see the sun cast a shadow across every tree that is or ever has been. i want the seeds the tree drops to grow in the way i think is most beautiful. when the sun has started to rise i want to run along the fields of all the earth. i want to pass the fields of wheat, and grass. fields of roses and tulips. orchards of trees and vinyards of grapes. i want them to grow for me and wilt for me and i want someone to press them between pages of the books. i want to be the author off the written word. i want the rythem of each song to run through my heart and soul. i want to hear the beat of the city streets running in my step. i want to feel the heat and exhaust of every car swirl about my hair. i want every passing strangers smile to be meant for me. every hand shake in passing, every hug between loved ones. every lovers embrace i want for my own. i want every drop of sweat spent to have been in labor for me. i want every need fulfilled and every desire satisfied. i want to forget the meaning of pain and suffering. want and lack. failure and depression. i want a clear conscience and complete contentment. i want the world to be mine.

then i want to let it go. to give it up. to place it in the hands of another. i want it all for me for a day and then i want to feel it run through my fingers; watch anothers hand grip around it, and i dont want to wonder what will happen to all of it after.

i need to know i can have it and let it go, i need to know it exists but that something exists without it. i want to be able to give it to someone else without begrudging them; to know i can. to see a shadow cross their face when they realize its theirs, all theirs. then to see something bright pass behind their eyes as the realize its no ones; its its own. then i want to know; to know that my hands holding it all and my hands holding nothing are the same. that despite all of it; it doesnt change.

rather silly i suppose; but it sure as hell would beat waisting another 5 and a half hours at levis…. so maybe tomorrow? next week? a few decades from now on some idle tuesday? maybe the important thing isnt that it could be maybe, but that there is time for such maybes. time for such musings and then even more time to realize it all comes down a lot of lack of anything in the end.

i still like cameron

its cold in the condo

i think i’ve run out of things to say