On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

my sections are filled in to the best of my memory:

justin: i miss you

me:  are you going to the river tomorrow?

justin: im not going

why not? you should go youd really like it

i dont know? i love you

you know apart of me loves you and always will. do you still want to get dinner tomorrow?

of course i do. why would i?

i dont know, i just wasnt sure.

i want you. i dont know how to explain it.

just you mean everything to me

if you were not stubborn. i would try anything. do anything

you cant believe im doing this out of stubborness, i just cant change my mind about this.

sorry im just drunk. im sorry. you deserve better. i just cant stop thinking about you

please dont say that, your going to realize your better off with out me and could do so much better

thats not true. you are so much more that i could ever hope for.

thats not true. where are you?

off thunderbird

whats not true? And its by that toy store

i dont remember where that is but if you want some place to sleep tonight, you can always come here

Do you want me to stay?

i want whatever is going to make you happy.

You would

justin i cant do that, its not waht i want. please tell me what you want that i can give you.

You know exactly what i want. You.

all i can offer you tonight is a place to sleep.

I want more than that. All i want is to hold you and be one iwth you and i could not be

so your going to have a better time staying there?

Ya cause it wont hurt. Just i would not be able to do anything i wanted to

what are you saying?

Nothing, im sorry.

i love you. Night.

please dont say that, please find someone else, someone who will make you happy. dont love me

why do you? I am not waht you want

i know exactly what i want. its you and only you

lets talk about this tomorrow, sleep well justin

i will cause will be dreaming of you

i wish you wouldnt

Why? Am i not what you want?

because i am not worth this

You are worth everything

no im not, you dont understand. 

Understand what?

one day youll understand justin that i didnt make you that happy and that theres someone out there way better for you

Why do you want me to get over you? Do you really not believe in us that much? I dont want to get over you. I gave you a piece of me. Thats forever

can we please talk about this at dinner?

if you want to

where you want dinner?

im fine if you still want olive garden

well im leaving now. Good night love you

—-

later that week

—-

let make love to you, really make love to you.

okay

—-

after a very quiet and tense take out dinner from TGI fridays we went to the park in enchantment which was of course the perfect place to go. it was where we had really started, after our first date we went there, i could and still can remember exactly how we sat then. we went there that night and it wasnt the same. i cant remember what i said, i think mostly it came down to i was regretting having broken up so soon. he told me he had faith wed get back together, i told him i didnt. i made him promise he would try to see other people, he said he would.

i cracked first. we were lying on our sides looking at each other and it felt terribly wrong not to touch him. not to have my hand on his arm or on his back or running my fingers through my hair. it got to feel so wrong i started to cry, and finally asked if i could touch him. he said i always could so i instantly grabbed his bicep and just sortar rubbed the palm of my hand along his arm; it did feel nice, and normal, and safe, and right. i think it was he who then pulled me closer. then he who rolled on his back and pulled me up onto his chest. but it was me who had my face so close to his and me who let my lips brush up against his nose and cheeks and chin and maybe even his lips for a second. it was he who finally kissed me. put one hand behing my head and kissed me harder. I vaguely remember thinking that after 14 months we have finally perfected our kiss into the best kiss ive ever had. i stopped it. more talk. then i started it again. and he was even more forceful this time. then he stopped it and asked me

let me make love to you

and i said okay.

we made out more on the playground then he suggested we go to his house. we made love, and then we watched romeo and julliet. it wasnt too bad. i think i either asked or implied that i wanted to stay there all night. becasue it might be our last night together. he said he wouldnt wake me up if i fell asleep. i fell asleep in his arms.

he woke me up around 12 am and asked me when i was going to leave.

i left that night

i wont be there again.  i promise.

i told him when he woke up, actaully told him how it made me feel everytime he asked me to leave. like a cheap whore. he at first fell back asleep, then woke up, asked me what i had said, then said i shouldnt and walked me to the door. he asked me to let him in so i did, physically and emotionally that night. he let me down. he didnt care. our last night; i ended it and even i wanted it to last as long as  possible. he who supposedly loved me so much wanted me gone. the last nigth he could ever hold me. he wanted me gone. i think he might ahve been ashamed of what his mom or adam might say if they saw my car. i dont care anymore. i think there might have been a glimmer of hope for a future. it blew out when i shut my car door and started to drive home. probably the tiredest ive ever been. he hasnt called me since. im glad its over.

i dreamt last night and it was the best dream ive ever had

it started out with me being in this restuarant and i was waiting for someone or (several someones) to join me. and this super bitchy girl comes up and takes one of the chairs form my table away. and i look at her and say sorta snappy

uh, someones going to be sitting there

well theyre not here now are they? (grabs chair)

well theyre coming (grabs chair back)

i cant remember what she said here but she got the chair from me and then a friend of hers comes along and starts grabbing the other chair. this whole time im sitting down and theyre both standing up and they seem so much taller than me but i can tell theyre not that tall. infact im pretty sure id be a good deal taller if i just stood up. but i dont and i try to get the chair away from one of them again (i cant remember who) and she starts to hurt me somehow. i think she might have been scratching me or twsiting my arm. i tried to do the same but it was a failed attempt and both girls took my chairs away. then realizing im beaten and that i cant win i get pissed off. look over at their table and see the two of them with the rest of their friends and they all seem like bitches and pricks. i finally decided to get up

walk over to the first girl. i think i might have sorta swung the chair around so it faced me. and then being eye level iwth her (though i dont remember having to kneel andi dont remember her standing up) i spit in her face. im dimly reminded of south park as i do and then i run outta there like hell. iat first im slow, and im terrified theyre going to catch up and beat the shit outta me or something. but then something amazing happens and this is what makes it the best dream of my life

i start to really run. but soon im not running at all im more like leaping really fast. every stride is unimaginably long but im not scared at all. im not flying but its the next closest thing that lets you keep your feet on the ground. and i remember thinking how wonderfull it was how free i felt. i couldnt understand why i didnt do this all the time, why i had ever thought running gave you stitches in your side and never let you feel like you were going fast enough.

but it wasnt taht way at all. i was so fast, able to stride so long. and so free. i ran past cars pilled up in traffic and flew past them. i remember everything seeming so pretty and the asphault so real. i think it was about to rain, smelled like it but wasnt actaully raining. and the sky wasnt just grey but that greenish grey brown when really big storms are comming. and ijust kept on running

eventually i found my family stuck in dead end traffic in a car. i stopped, got in the car and talked for a few moments. then i decided i wanted to run home instead. i think iwas worried i wouldnt be able to run the same way i had before, but i did. the last thing i remember is my mom saying

“wow, she made it home before we did!”

i broke up with justin. the rest apparently was not meant ever to be read again. it was what i meant more plainly than anything else and the computer delted it so that is that. no memories here. its just over, i suppose thats the way its suppose to me.

i just want him to know. i want him to know so bad.

ill always love you justin. always

love,

ashley 

ever wonder if there was a possibiity that you were mildly retarded? i mean honestly, if you were mildly retarded doesnt that mean you might not know. for one it would be mild so it might be hard to tell to begin with but then since your the one who is retarded, how are you suppose to figure it out?

same thing with insanity. admitting you need help proves your not too far gone. well since i dont need help, doesnt it follow that i might be too far gone? theres just as much possibility that im just sane but the fact taht i worry about this and consent that i might need help, despite my lack of psychotic problem, might indicate im the most gone of all. but ill never get help cuz id hate for the world to be confirmed in my fears. 

yeah. think about it.

oh yes this is the most fun i think ive had since ive been in tempe, and its good, clean, honest, and sybolically retributive fun at that… and that of course is always the best kind of fun.

so everyone runs into shitty people, it happens, life goes on, just try not to let it make you bitter right? i believe all that whole heartedly, if it had been me, id just let it go (fuck, i have let it go in the past) but… you cant expect to take a completel advantage of my best friend and end up fucking her and not suffering even a little wrath… it just doesn happen, skip. 

DICK:  what are you doing, are you busy?

me: im just taking a bath, why?

DICK: oh… can i join you?

me: well, its a one seater tub. But if you dont mind me on top of you, guess it could work

DICK: could we switch it around?

me: thats a shame, you dont like girls on top? i guess we could, but honestly neither of those really does it for me

DICK: oh? what does do it for you? doggi style maybe?

me: thats always great but fun but, there are so many more creative things than that…

DICK: maybe you could show me sometime

me: if your lucky ill do a lot more than show you

DICK: anytime soon?

me: youll just have to wait and see now wont you? oh and by the way, im hot wet and naked

DICK: wow, can i get a picture of that?

me: id rather just wait till we were in person

DICK: me too but youve already got me going and a picture would be a nice touch

me: mmmm, i dont think so just yet, good night, sweet dreams

DICK: youre quite the tease

me: yeah, but i always deliver in the end

DICK: so that makes it alright for you to tease?

me: give it a week or so, then you decide if it was worth dealing with me being a tease.  

so heres my plan… this bastard needs to get whats coming to him. so basically, im going to lead him on mercilessly, the least of which involves texts; apart from that im gonna be super sweet and cute and see if i can get him to fall for me (which sounds egotistical, but theres a whole history here and i know just what to say and to do to achieve my ends) then i wait until his balls are a nice shade of indigo and ive of course had all my possible fun. then ill let him think its gonna be that night. when i go to his place to hang out-

 oh… sam, you havent been taking this seriously have you? oh my god, i feel so bad!! but you had to know i was just screwing with you! ive known you forever that would have been sooo fucking gross. i mean wow. so you were being serious that whole time werent you. ok wow… im sorry hun, but ever since that one night i dont ever wanna hook up with you again. i mean… i didnt get anything out of it, hell i had a hard time telling if it was even in… but come on, you wouldnt have really wanted to anyways, it would have made things so akward between us. unless there is a shitload of alcohol as a buffer we really shouldnt ever be more than friends. and even then, ugh. im going to get going, this is offically awkard. night.

its not revenge because he didnt do anything to me. its redemption, this girl was the sweetest person youd ever meet, and he deserves any sort of damage this does to his heart, dick, and ego.

No more nicknmaes, no more nicknames, this its the official end of the goddamn nicknames. No more baby, cutie, sweetie, darling, hun, babe, hottie. No more. Just no fucking more. Im donw with it; speaking of which I am also done with parking tickets, long walks from obscure parking lots. Im done with assholes (douche who left the towing note on my car), im done with fuckers that continue to want me (chris, coby, coffee guy, alex, chemistry guy), im done with the boys I cannot decide whether I like or not (josh), im so unbelieveably done with the boy who liked me then changed his fucking mind (Cameron) and im done with the sweet boys who I feel im taking advantabge opf (Justin, Anthony). Im done with the interent not fucking working, im done with notes in chemisty, im done with EVERYTHING costing SOMETHsiING. im done with traffic, oh how I am done with traffic, im done with getting lost, I done with stupid old people at work, im done with being annoyed at friends, im done with no room to live in, im done with sleeping on the couch, im done with living out of boxes, im done with shitty shoes, im done with blisters, im done with my gum pulling away from my tooth in extreme pain, im done with the heat, and for all that is good in the world… I am forever done with godamn mother fucking, cock sucking, cunt licking, son of a bitch yeast infections. Holy fuck, am I ever done with those. All of these things im done with and yet they persist. And as the persit I realized that they are in essence further continuing to obscure the lines that dictate my sanity.

That’s right… I used pretty words. Pretty words to describe me yelling in my car, always yelling.

O’isadr;sdhfglkjvadhxfnL/fdakmhnvlkgjajhdflkjv,haxdczhvj.kzcxb ljikzdxmjmhdk,lafvgb

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc k fuc k fuck fuck fuckl fuck fuck fu ckf ufkc fuck fuck fuck fuck fuvk FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1FUKCK v’pdbo;jlsrg;obdbnbksn bkjhslcfkhadfk,gbdsfligjdahlkfgkldsfgj;adlfkj

 \

and none of it makes me feel any better. Its as though all the palces in the WHOLE WORLD  that might have brought me the slightest bnit opf comfort have fukcing left. Haha, sianara BITCH! Nothing nothing tnoghin, nothing helps,  and I don’t undedrstand it cuz something HAS always helped, but NOTHING NOTHING this is the BRINK OF SINANITY> and no one give s a fuck, least of all me. SCREAM

ni can dbarkely type , just as I can ofrten barely speak for risk of screaming., such Iis now. Josh saw my nipple last night, I know he did. And hwile I should be flattered tha the referred to it as “one of the best nipples hes ever seen” and as “an almost majestic experience” I cannot help but YELLL SCREMA FUCK FUCK FUCK FU CK FUCK FU CK FUC KUF CUKFUFKJUFUCJFUKCUFKCUJFUCKClk YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU and by YOUUUUUUUUUUU I mean the world fuck you and al of thoyu fuckers in the world, why do you do this to me, why?? What in gods good holy name did I ever do yo you. No answer, me neither!

I just cant I just cant there is no more left, there is nothing, If the mirror led into a nother world, I would gladddddddddddly walk through to it. There is just nothing left for me here anymore. Id gladly go to a different world because theres no risk in leaving this one….maybe I should just level with any and all guys I come into contact with; with the slight exception of Cameron, josh, and Justin. Fucking triphecta from hell. And im maddest about Cameron, I just wanna bitch him out for fucking doing this shit cuz ive liked him all year and now when it almost seems sure to happen, with no other prospects on the horizon except that stupid Katie girl who by the way has even smaller tits than I do, you still change your mind and decide your just a little too (andthats prolly being very kind) much better than me to actually consider dating me, oh so sorry. Buy you an icecream cone?

My cunt is wet, but not from pleasure, far from as is my ass, and not because im taking something up there but because a lotta shit is coming down. How the fuck do I almost have diarreah if ive stopped drinking soda??? Even this is a little gross for me.

And still I hear ti, clickty clack clickty clack clickty mother fucking clack. Ill just quit and move to Russia . How do you keep a levis store from breaking into revolt in the midst of Russians?  Tell a select few they get to rule over the others. hahahahhahaahahahHAHAhahah HA.HA.HA.

Twas a knee slapper.

Good night.

The lie goes on

She put the map on the dash and turned toward the drivers seat, “And you thought we were going in the right direction….”

you bastard… you are serisouly a bastard. liek really. wow. maybe even a douche.

“well driving and texting isnt safe”

wtf?

honestly,

wtf

i want to just yell, your a jerk! but that wouldnt even make any sense. thanks a lot. god. this is frustrating. ive never had a crush li,ke this. usually im quiet and never put myself out there and usually just get sad cuzi think, “he could never like me…” but not this time. im trying my ABSOLUTE hardest and im getting nothign for all my efforts, and that just seems wrong

and now i have chem homework so blah.

bastard.

you bastard… you are serisouly a bastard. liek really. wow. maybe even a douche.

“well driving and texting isnt safe”

wtf?

honestly,

wtf

i want to just yell, your a jerk! but that wouldnt even make any sense. thanks a lot. god. this is frustrating. ive never had a crush li,ke this. usually im quiet and never put myself out there and usually just get sad cuzi think, “he could never like me…” but not this time. im trying my ABSOLUTE hardest and im getting nothign for all my efforts, and that just seems wrong

and now i have chem homework so blah.

bastard.

damnit damnit damnit damnit

i cant rememeber if ive already discussed my crsuh on cameron bode. and further more i cant remember if ive discussed how annoying it is to have a crush! first off its made doubnly annoying because i have a boyfriend and can only do so much without being indecent. its further annoying i dont live here and cant work at asaid situation daily and its most annoying that its cameron andm he just cant express emtion whatsoever so i have no idea if this is a failed attmept or possibnly working. id like to think it wasnt a failed attepmt, but how do i really know? god im not saying anything, i hate thises types of ramblings, nothing is being said yet i cant seem to make myself stop saying it.  eeew i dont like the wayi sound at all today. i think i would describe it as sounding like a girl, and sadly sorta like emily. i dont reallly like it. 

i just want some sort of acknowldegement. something to show that he a.) realizes ive been attempting to capture his fancy and b.) maybe even possibnly just a little bit returns the sentiment. maybe?

im going to break up with justin lucio. first time ive ever said it so plainly i think. two very powerful thoughts occured to me. first from my mother

“if your dating him and you know you dont want to be with him froever then your possibly making him pass up the girl hes suppose to marry cuz he still loves you and thinks you could be the one; its selfish.”

and the second

“forever young, i want to be, forever young. do you really wanna live forever, forever? forever young…”

it simply made me realize i could be wasting my youth with him when really i wanna shop around, dont wanna be tied down just yet.

and somethign that fills me with confidence, the first time is prolly the hardest, i think after this ill have a miuch easier time breaking up. ill be able to do it in the future becuase ill be able to say, well ive already done it with justin once….

its sorta sad and disheartening and a part of me must move on, but im ready for such movings on now i think so i might as well begin and stop dallying. kal said i should pick a date. how bout september 15? its scary to right it down like that. but it hink thats best. let me check a calendar real quick… yuck falls on a saturday, right before our 14 month anniversary. its scary to make a date.  i dont want to hurt him, but if i think of that too much i wont be able to do it. there is a possibly future with every man i encounter; i just have to decide if i want that future. i dont want the one justin lucio brings. its as cold cut as that. 

 besides

c’est la vie, and it goes on. 

 steriling light steas from souls

until little is left and even littler to be told

with lapsed words fallen away

each a destiney hidden in teh folds

where im going, silence falls

crimson ashes and blackened snow

im going where the raven calls

to speak at last for those below

and what does it all mean? bullshit