On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

i need help. im not quite as crazy and helter skelter as last post. but now im just sad. i like cameron bode. infact, it might be safe to say i really like him. but what good could that do me? justin and me arent gonna last much longer. i can just tell. he told me today that im a really lucky person. what with the scholarship, tempe job, and free place to live. when i reminded him that i worked my ass off for that scholarship and for that promotion he said i was just stubborn. then when i reminded him that i would gladly give up the free place to have my parents never have gotten divorced, he didnt say anyhting. it makes me so mad. i dont want to be around him. the other night i went down on him and i felt sick the whole time. sick that his cock was in my mouth. sick that he kissed me. sick that his hands would slide down my back, rub my shoulder and arms. i wanted to be somewhere else entirely but couldnt bring myself to move or say anything. in the end he accused me of being distracted and not into. and for all my trouble he never even came which he blamed on me for not making it good enough for him because i frankly didnt give a shit about anything that was going on and just wanted to leave. i was sooooo close yesterday to telling him that i just faked it the other night. (i wasnt gonna tell him id faked it every single time weve ever been together, which is far too often to count). but i almost told him about last night. he said i looke bored and i wanted to scream! DING DING DING YOU STUPID FUCK! OF COURSE I WAS BORED! SEX IS NEVER ABOUT ME. EVEN  THE ORGASIMS YOU CANT ACTUALLY GIVE ME ARE ABOUT YOU. BECAUSE IF I DONT FAKE IT DRAMATICALLY ENOUGH YOU GET PISSED AND ACCUSE ME OF GETTING BORED. WELL FUCK, MAYBE IF YOU COULD JUST DO YOUR JOB THEN I WOULDNT BE SO FUCKING BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!! but that anger passed quickly and so no such words were spoken.

and then its back to cameron. emily only made it worse when she said he told her to tell me that the gunslinger was a good book. im desperate to think that hes thinking about me that i decided if he would give em a message to give to me then hed definitely have to have been thinking about me at some time… right? well whatever, it makes little difference anyways since when  i hinted i sorta liked him emily said “Damnit. i had a feeling cameron likes you.” which is horrible because NONE of this. none of this, nothign about me or justin or cameron or random feelings of illness or even if im lucky or just hard working in life matters because I AM MOVING TO TEMPE IN A WEEK. its only a 45 minute drive from home but i theres a slim chance me and justin would stay together much longer even if i was here, none at all when im away. and while there was a good chance me and cameron would have gotten together if i was single and living here, there is slim to no chance of us getting together if im in tempe. so there. thats that. and i fucking hate it. i really like cameron bode and there isnt a thing i can do about it. 

sighs

blast

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