On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

o when i wrote last i certainly didnt think i would be writing again so soon… Nor did i think this would be so funny

 03/03= 3

 

yes, what is that saying, third time is the charm? yup i think thats the one.  

its funny, only a few hours ago i felt lost, and scared, and wanted nothing more than to run so very far away. i wanted everything and nothing. i wanted to be named caroline and read poetry and confess my darkest deeds to bottles that were only promised watery graves. i wanted to run away, 

runaway train aint ever coming back, one way train on a one way track, feels like i should be getting somewhere, somehow im neither here nor there…

i honestly thought i was the type to leave the words “im sorry” on a pillow case and just run away. all day i thought about it and i felt sick. i felt i had made the biggest mistake yet. infact, last night i was at the absolute lowest point of my entire life. there was no light ahead. there was nothing. people asked what was going on and i wanted to say nothing. there is nothing. im drowning in nothing. i have nothing. i am nothing. the idea that nothing can encompass you is the same innate fear that makes little kids hide under the covers at night. because ironically, nothing is something. nothing is a very big something. a something that if given the chance would swallow you whole. youd be swallowed and be inside of nothing forever. enveloped, the very breath and life for nothing would be me. and it was terrifying. the only way to get away from this somethign nothing was to run away from it. its not that i wanted to, but i had too. but no matter where i thought of going nothing seemed to be there too. which is why i became trapped inside my very cold car with in my prespective, dun dun dun, nothing. that was it. the lowest of the low. actaully, i think the defining moment of the lowest of the low was going through with the plan and actaully purchasing a blanket with the intent to sleep out at walmart. point blank the lowest of the low. i wonder if ill ever feel so hopeless again. if the world will ever seem so full of nothign that it terrifies me. that maybe between blinks the nothing had managed to swallow my whole world and all the people in it. the only one left was me. and the funny thing is, i was still scared of nothing. its funny, because with the world i had once known now having been swallowed by nothing; i might as well have been too. there was nothing, nobody in the world for me. no where. nothing. no one. 

i think one of the things that made me realize the severity of the situation was that i didnt cry. i didnt even seem all that capable of such a normal reaction. someone much more fotunate than i had been blessed with the ability to cry, though she often neglected it. but now shed wish to have it back. becasue people need to cry. if you dont let them, they laugh. and i swear to goodness it scares me a little to think about how much i laughed. how everything was funny even though it was outta focus. scratch that, it made it even funnier that nothign was the way into which i remembered it being. it was so damn funnny i had reached some place i hadnt been sure exsisted. so funny that id buy a sponge bob blanket. so funny there was nowhere and no one else to turn to. so funny i was completely alone. the rest of the world had been swallowed by nothing. so funny that i was scared to be. funniest that i already had been and just didnt want to realize it. so damn funny. i remember i thought something weird. i thought lots of weird things that were not connected in the slightest. i think if i ever was in risk of tottering on the brink that seperated sanity from insanity, it was driving out of the walmart parking lot to go to the gas station at the outlets to use the batheroom. i dont remember what fragmented phrases popped into my head and thus were said allowed to nobody 

(nothing)

but right after a particularly noteworthy one i remember realizing, “these are the things suicide thoughts (notes) are made of” which instantly made me think of wuthering heights which to me brinked on insanity as it wasnt even remotely the idea i was addressing.

but enough of describing out of chronogical order the events of 03/03/07

it started regularly right, went to school came home. didnt work i was goiing to have to pick what to do with justin only he manned up in what i thought was an incredible way and decided we were going to eat dinner at olive garden. we stopped at guitar center, its on the way. went to olive garden, really busy. went to TGI Fridays off of happy valley. i had been having a pretty good time iwth him so far. at happy valley we went to barns and noble. he told me how he had thought of getting me a copy of dantes inferno in the original latin then a book to translate. i dont know if ive ever heard a more insightful gift. the day had started off with him telling me that if i worked hed pick what to do and if i had the day off, id pick what we got to do. it was such a nice compromise, and in the end he still scarificed and decided where and how and when. i fell back into touching him. moms right, part of being in love is wanting to touch somebody all the time. and no not inappropriately, but just let them walk you around on their arm. touch their back as they walk by, rub their shoulders, lower back, forearms, bicepts, hold their hands. just be close. i realized i loved that. he pulled me off to the corner of weird maracas at guitar center and said “guess what…” “what?” “i love you” “i love you”. we went to dinner, i had chicken he had steak, he shared with me and i shared with him. we looked around barns and noble, we went to walmart. coming back to the car he said it would sure be nice to kiss me. i got really close, really really close, and then started the car.

and then he made another very impressive compromise, since we didnt do my idea which was hottubbing we should do that tomorrow night (which is actaully tonight) after the UFC fight. and tonight wed go back to his house. it was all going pretty perfectly actaully. it was even great getting pulled over by the cop who told me i needed my lights on and winking at justin… it was all great until chris called me and told me i couldnt come home. i dont know if it was family insecurities that sparked the rest of prolly ALL my insecurities coming up but whatever. justin told me i could stay at his house tonight if i wanted. that was a relief. but we didnt talk on the way home. we got to his house and i still had been feeling mighty uncomfortable around the family. (taylor had run away). we started putting together drum stuff and i sorta stupid and selfishly felt neglected. i thought he should care more about the family crisis and want to talk me through it. now, in a more sound state of mind im sure he just didnt want to bring up things he thought would upset me. but at the time i felt very much like the proverbial wall flower. then he sorta hinted that i should sleep at emilys, or maybe i hinted and his lack of turning that idea down made me think he supported it. another conclusion jumped to on a scared whim. but before i left he said he wanted to hold me. only i didnt want to stop being held. infact, i think i figured the best way to prolong this holding session was sex. so i finally kissed him. softly. then again. and again and then yes, it was hard. and it was passionate. and i wanted more than anything to be taken away from the world. i wanted to fly away. and isnt that how it was, with the starlets and the gackles? my mom had called and she seemed more lost and confused than i was and told me not to come home, i told her the same. i needed to make wherever i was home. i needed justin to be my home. only instead of going inside my home, i wanted justin to come inside of me. we more fooled around at first, but i was aggressive, i todl him “i dont want you using your damn fingers” he laughed and said, “should i take that as a hint?” but we still just kept fooling around, we even cooled down for a while and i was paranoid because i didnt want to stop. i wanted to have sex with him. and if he was not going to jump on this offer, what did that say about me? i wish i could remember what i said, maybe i started out with “i dont think you really want to” either way i ended up saying it. and either way he ended up saying with a knowing shudder that he did want to. so he grabbed a condom and this time i wasnt afraid at all, infact i said the line i had so practiced. he said only if i really wanted to. and i told him i do as long as he does. but i took it in my hand and tossed it aside and told him i didnt want him using one (that was the line and action but he said he didnt want to then. he said waht if… and let it trail off. i said i had a pill. he asked if i was sure, i said i didnt want to use a condom my first time. so he layed me down. i think i was holding his hands, or maybe they were on my breats, im not sure. but as it was happening i was vaguely aware somewhere in the reccesses of my mind and conscience that i was doing this for all the wrong reasons. i just wanted to feel close to someone because i was scared. because i felt no one was close. becuase i didnt want to be swallowed my nothing. because i needed to feel someone could save me, take me away from this place, could at least make my feel safe. and he started to come inside of me. he guided himself in. at first to the point where we had gotten before,  then further and further. i think i felt my hymen break twice, even though thats impossible. i remmeber inhaling sharply twice. lets be honest, typing this i am hot ready to go again. but then i wasnt. right at the moment the first feeling was disappointment. i had expected somethign amazing as soon as he entered me. but i didnt. infact, (not to trash justins size, becasue truth be known, he is a very well endowed man and i think given practice could so a-m-a-z-i-n-g things. goddamn, there i go with getting myself excited again…grrrr…) i thought to myself disappointedly, is he really all in, thats as deep as it goes? i can barely even tell =/

after tonight, i realize that feeling was most likely caused by me focusing all my thoughts on having just felt a sharp pain of something breaking inside of me and therefore the rest of me felt numb in comparison. but that wasnt the worts part. i had wanted to feel close to someone. but he never got that close. infact, we were just really touching where we were inside each other. barely at all. i wanted him to lie on top of me. tell me everyhting was okay, that he loved me, that hed save me. at the very least i wanted him to ask if i was okay, but he never did any of those things. he i felt like he was doing this more out of obligation than out of wanting to. it was horrible. i moved with him, he fell out a few times, i hope thats normal… then after i swear not even a minute. he had come. inside of me. i was so shocked, i couldnt believe it was over so quickly. it-had-just-started! but hes nice and whispered sorry i was so fast, he seemed like he was going to give explanation, but didnt. besides it was his first time not using a condom, i figured it would be quick. but it was over. we layed down and he held me, but i kept getting that obligatoin feeling. i remember asking him if it was better w/o a condom, he said faster. that was so disappointing, hte main reason for not wearing a condom was for him to really enjoy the first time, but apparently, it was just faster…  i felt like i must have been horrible. then tara texted and said we had been loud and if we didnt get quieter wed get caught. i first thought it was damn funny, and i think he did too, but then he said “embarrassing” which made me feel like he had been embarrassed of me, which in a more clear state ofmind im sure is untrue. he said hed tell her in the morning that he had fingered me or soemthing. this part did actaully hurt and stil does a little. when he had slept with pam he had come right out and told tara, why would he want to lie to her about me? wasnt he just as excited to the point where he wanted to just tell someone? i guess not… and here it is, the part that hurt the most; i wanted him to really want it. thats one of the main reasosn i wanted to wait and hold off for a while. but i didnt. i hadnt thought about how i wanted him to really want me until it waws over and i realized how easy i had been. with pam he had kept a perminant smile going the whole day, with me he seemd almost sombre. and he sorta hinted at me leaving for emilys soon. i have to finsih in the morning, cant write, ill remmeber everytthing… 

 

 

written 03/03/07

=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D

 

 

oh my goodness

what words are there really? (thinks mischieviously about the words to come) muhahahhahahahhahahahaha…. from the beginning? fuck that, it never works well, besides the end is funner. it ends with

 

I

Love

You

 

actually, its ends with Ashley Marie Roberts i want to spend as many days as youll let me making you happy

=D=D=D=D=D=D

like a game show contestant, dooby dooby doo  humor me and tell me liesssssssss, yes humor me and tell me liessss

 

but dont lie. that woudlnt be much fun now would it? no, not much fun at all

 

um, the story is so giddy.  sctrach that, im giddy, the story is not. my fingers dont really want to type it all taht much… whelp, i dotn want to forget, who could forget???

 

 plan

 

the plan is to ask cameron bode to sadie hawkins. BUT i had to make sure. i just had to. i couldnt get around that. i was going to give him the dumb rose and the stuppppppid drum thrown. AND THAT WAS IT. so i do. he makes fun of me for looking emo lately, and dark makeup, and yeah. so that puts me in a “Iwannnarunawaysooooomuchmood” but i cant… why was i thwarted? 

come in with me?

i didnt want to do this though. his mom already thought i was weird. and i didnt want more weird looks. truth me known i didnt just want to go home. it was a lie that i wanted to leave. a verrrrry bigggggg lie. but sometimes you have to lie (oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we practive to deceive) its funny this reminds me of the feeling in latvia. that night, if i just hadnt pushed what jon and zach had been talkinig about we never would have had that sseveral hour long talk. and the same thing here. i might not have ever given it to him. i might have gone with adam, would have asked cameron out. i might not have gone up. 

but i did

=D=D=D=D=D=D=D

so i go up

 before this tara shouts down from the window, “hi ashley” this makes me a little pysched. i missed her. i missed all of them. and it was really touching that shed wanna say hi. i was afraid they hated me. or at least were like, yay, you got rid of the girl who didnt have a personality… but she said hi! =D=D=D=D=D

how many times am i going to make that face?

oooh before we went in, i forgot there were wordss….

so im trying to remember the conversation leading up to it…

its not there, i want to say about chris, but i dunno. oH yay i do! he leans in next to me and says, “you smell like vodka, have you been drinking??”

where i say, no i havent been drinking that was saturday night. and hes a little shocked and asks like why or where or something.

and i say, it doesnt matter how drunk i got i got or what i did with someone.

he got very serious. 

what did you do? who were you with?

very serious. possibly hurt looking serious. was it chris?

laughing, i cant tell you

tell me (hurt serious)

its not like you think, nothing serious.

who?

well i ended up making out with my best friend jen

much relief. i told him emily sent him a video and was glad he deleted it.

and we go upstairs

his mom opened the door, oh hi

hi

up we go. tara says something to justin

I like the hair

yeah i went darker but he keeps giving me a hard time about how it makes me look all emo…

and into the bedroom. i retreat to the thrown.  and spin, we talk about drums, the new rack he might get. the new base peddle, what he can use the thrown money for. yada yada yada

and then something crucial, i wish my dvd player was working we could watch a movie. i was afriad here, afriad it was a stab at being nice. i didnt want to just go home. i didnt want to. he says let me go check, as hes walking out of the door so i can only see half his face. 

something like you do want to stay, dont you?

ive got nonthing better to do with my night

half smile, i kinda figured

so he goes. comes back. up. tries a few movies. dont work. he invites me twice to lie down so i finally do. movie doesnt work. do you want to try a different one or just give up?

crucial. maybe hes insinuating i should go? maybe i should. NO, im going to be honest (oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we practice do decieve) I didnt really wanna go home right away. so he grabs oceans 11 because

i know that works

then he starts itchgin i ask abou this skin. its gettting worse, hes not allowed to use the steroid anymore. takes his shirt off

 

wait words i missed!

after talking about drums, i ask how have you been. he says ive been okay, getting better. i know now the thigns i thought i wanted to dont want anymore and i know what i do want.

my thoughts were, he use to think he wanted a relationship with me but now he knows better and really just wants me as  something lame like a friend…

but i ask

 care to expand upon that thought?

i could sum it up in a short sentence…

what?

i miss you

looking anywhere but at him, ive missed you too.

anyways back to where we were with the shirt coming off….mmmmm….

 he lays down and i start to scratch his back, he sorta sighs, ive missed this part a lot. i break out the lotion. do a little massage. 

words about it getting worse blah blah blah

movie comes on, im on his left side, i dont remmeber what he said that made me stop and lie next to him, but it was soethign crucial. crucial things were, in the best order i can remember them

what could i have done differently?

i asked before but do you think were really over? 

 

answers to these questions are hard. i tell him i dont know. i just want to sum it up.

he cired, i didnt this time. i didnt hurt this time. i wanted to feel cared for and i did. thats how it happened. i asked him what he wanted. he told me that he had told me. i said no you didnt. he said i want you. i asked him i think why he had said the thigns he had said. he said he didnt want to feel those things. he said but i did. i love you. i told him i love you too. i wasnt 100% sure but it felt more right every time i said it. i couldnt stop smiling. the rest of the night just felt so right. i dont remember what was said. the crying moment where he told me he was scared to have been with someone so long the truthful part where i said i didnt always feel like i could be myself, that i had more to offer, that i HAD A PERSONALITY. they were reassuring, needed to be siad. good. but what was best was lying with him. was him saying in your perfect world what would happen next?

wed have wild passionate sex

turing each other on by talking about things. being close. talking about the first time. (…sooooooooooooo excited, need it be said?) almost kissing, but not. starting to bite his chest like i bit jen. straddeling him. coming soooo close. lying on top of him.  having him rub my hips, grabbing my ass, rubbing his chest. sooooo hard. me telling him hes so hard. then me, agian w/ the honest and im gonna say whatver i feel like, god youre getting me so wet. 

I LOVED the way he reacted

hooked one arm around my waist laid me down on the bed was lying on top of me and about to kiss me… so close…. so fast. sooooo want to.

but i said I CANT. he said i sucked. or somethign to that nature. there were also just cute times. him going in several times for a kiss and me evading him nicely. him telling me he knows i want to. me asking about those dice…. kissing his forehead, his chin, but NOT his lips. and thats the most hell get for a while. him telling me hed take me to prom no matter what, and thats NOT a request. made me so happy, so assured. when he told me there was one day when he was like damnnnnn because i looked So-so, So So SO goood mmmmmmmm. tellling him i loved him so many times. hearin ghim say it. him asking me if i believed him and me telling him i always believed him. him asking if i wanted him. me telling him of course i want you, i cry every night, i couldnt even come to school today becasue of it. im going to be spontaneous im going to be the girl he has to chase. (if i had the chance id still ask her to dance because she kept me waiting) i can be everythign i want. so happy. laughin about how he banged nichole (duquette) twice. we talked about leah. but he didnt feel anything thing for her now. i believe it. theres so much more to be said, but ill take the short cut

 

i love justin steven lucio

 

and someday in the not too distant future, im going to rock his whole world when i fuck him like nobody has ever fucked him before. he will NEVER forget what it felt like to me inside ashley roberts and we will compare any other girls from then on as being decent, but not ashley.

 

i cant wait

 

oh but how he ever will

ive done the right thing, i know i ahve. im am happy for this. i love him. things are going to be okay. more than okay actaully.

so come close, this is who we are

that i hate you, take this akward file and rub it between your thighs, cuz your beautiful just not on the inside

love me, love me, say that you love me

i wish i could keep writing, ill wish i could remmeber more of this later. but its all goodnight loves =D

or should i say

buenas noches mi amor

 

 

 

 

written: 3/2/07