On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

Aurora

There’s something to be said

Of things we think about after were dead

Some are lost and some are coming

But I know they’ll always keep me running

Because living in the moment is fine

But memories and ghosts still taste of your wine

When you close the door and put on the lock

It’s only a ship sailing without leaving the dock-

And autumn still comes with no ones consent

Even if your summer days never were spent

Winter stalks in the same fashion too

People care, but don’t ask them to wait for you-

They’ve told me before and given the warning

But sometimes things look the same in the morning-

Living and existing, it’s hard to draw the line

But whatever I have, I know its all mine–

a language essay would be more valuable. but what would I really know about value anyway? 

im feeling good today

and oddly theres no reason too, which makes me feel even better :D:D

actaully, im surprised im not all solemn and depressed. today justin widley ignored me. and even gave me the “awkward” face ( i can hear him say it too in his voice, awkwarrrrd) and he didnt even wait for me after stugo. i dont work with cameron today and its not like im gonna be seeing glen around. but you know what, im happy without all those silly boys. justins even working today which means more influence from our sultatious whore the facinating leah. i dont  even feel bad about detesting her, because whatever, shes a sluty bitch. i could be a sluty bitch too. its not like its difficult, but i sorta think there are a few more important things in life. if right now all justin needs is a girl he can say that hes “in a realationship” with so he doesnt feel bad when they fuck; well then thats his perogattive. some day he’ll have to stop lying to himself and get things figured out. but that day is apparently not today, nor do i see it in the immediate future. if i were as unselfish as people say i am, id wait for whenever that day comes. only, selfishness is a virtue according to ayn rand; and i strive to be virtuous ;). i had an idea for an art project, id like to paint, or use oily crayons to draw a closet door with pretty pink and purple swirls on the frame thats all black inside with nothing but a skeleton partly hidden in the shaddows, dedicate it, maybe even give it to justin. i want to do that some day though. pretty huh? i feel like just smiling. and cleaning my house, its a wreck… and fixingh mine and jennys room. so much to do, so little time in a day. i forgot what it was like having spare time on my hands. i love this feeling. im obligated to no one but myself; its rather fine

funny things

chris wants to “go take a drive” if this turns into how i see “going to take a drive” then im going to LAUGH MY A-S-S OFF. holy shit it would make my whole freaking year. ill LOVE to tell him no. its going to be grand, serisouly, amazing. and plus i think itll be what he needs to hear. and itll be what i need to say. being able to say no will make me better and not feel like such a cheap whore. telling him no will help him realize not to hurt the people in his life. plus i think well both be able to look back on this and laugh. ahh, it would be grand

but, alas! im not accomplishing anything here!  

*flees*

*evil scientist laugh* 

ive tried to keep all the texts for as long as possible, but my inbox is full. ive got to make room… so im at least writing them down. they give me comfort so leave me alone.

it started out him telling me to come over before i went to work. i asked where, planet beach? he said “yes darling” it still made me a little excited and touched to read darling. then we texted for awhile while i was at work. mainly him saying he was bored and me saying, “why not come over here?” new texts start with

Hey there. How are you doing

Bad i fell asleep with my arm over my neck and it fell asleep and i woke up feeling i was being choked!

Nice. I have had my arm fall asleep then me lift it and hit my self in the nose

hmmm, maybe thats why your nose is sorta crooked now -P. so hows your day been fairing?

fairing

i hate to be a grammar nazi, but i asked you how it was fairing, which means you have to answer w an adverb, and you didnt do that…

And maybe its crooked cause wenches like you hit it?!

Um its not like i try to hit it, its just that you have such a ridiculously huge nose that everytime i go to hit you it gets in the way

Im good eric and mark came and played guitar hero with me only we had two

did you make them look like guitar hero fools?

heck ya Only we played as a team i got 100 Percent

Let chino know that its pretty sad for him to get pwned by a drummer at guitar hero when he at least plays a bass

=====

monday, i think?

=====

this conversation was actaully already relived in earlier posts

=====

tuesday i think?

=====

I made a rainbow (rainbow pic)

For what?

A girl named Channing on the dance team

okay

Well i thought it was a Damn Good rainbow but i guess you dont agree

You have a crush on her or something

Exactly, see i was so so so unsatisfied with you, i turned lesbian…

Thanks

You told me to never lie!! Besides shes cute

whatever

FIne i take it back, sheesh. Channing is nathans gf we made it as part of his valentines thing

______i think later that same day?_________

Do you think we are done?

I hope not-

okay =)

justin- what can i do?

im sorry justin, but right now ive got to focus on other things that arent right, and i really dont even know what to say

Well what can i do

Its family stuff, nothing anyone can do. i havent seen you in a while and i dont want to talk about it over texts

i understand

Thanks justin, your a good guy

Im here for you, and i just want you to know

Did the fruit snacks from yesterday cheer you up?

Of course

Happy Valentines day

You to Justin

me- I miss you

I miss you too

Gato ran away

What?!?

Gatos gone, my dad wanted me to tell him how to save his marriage, i dont know how though, and now i guess hes talking about suicide.

Babe I am so sorry i know i cant say anything to help so what can i do

Are you home right now?

no

well have fun wherever your at then

Im sorry

=======

feb 16 thursday

=======

I guess i dont get back in az till 745 on monday we should probably get dinner a different day.

me- is that okay? you never answered

ya

(pic) This bum took mt dew out of the garbage and drank it…

ew

You might have to do that when you move to california. the bum was sorta studly, he could be like your role model!

Im not going

When did you change your mind?

My mom wont pay

You could save money for a year or two, then go

Un likely

Im sorry, youll still always be a potential california bum in my eyes

Or you could be this guy who makes his living playing big water jugs as drums

totally

Do you like starbucks?

ya

Well im in the first one ever

(pic) ITs a giant muppet pez dispencer, you dont need to tell me how jealous you are…

Miss piggy sucks

IM not going to keep showing you the wonder of seattle if you keep being a negative nancy!

Next time i see you, im going to hit you, just fyi

Do it

in the balls

okay do it

just know you brought this on yourself

i desperately need to be doing homework, only on a different level i find preserving my 17 year old heartbroken self a much more engaging use of my time. and i am happy i feel that way. i keep having mood swings, which should be expected. very predictable, when the sun is shining, i can listen to wahtever music comes up on shuffle, im driving im my car (and even if its only to work i can pretend its somewhere very far that ive never seen before) i feel a million miles away from this life. infact, its not even my own, my real life is the one waiting for me at ASU the one somebody else is going to be a part of, thats the real life, not this shallowed prerequisite. i feel happy. but at night, knowing everyone in my life is still so close. ten feet over on the next bed is jenny, next room is sarah, down stairs is my mom, two miles away at most is justin, within 3 miles is my dad; things are much more bleak. i think some people would say they are better when you feel your loved one close, but im broken and its not. its much worse. i think of how much ive done them wrong. how much better it would be to finally wipe the proverbial slate clean and start with someone new people. this time not fuck it up so much, eh? but people seem to refuse me that luxury. i know i should work to make it right, but its hard, i just want to run away and hide. people think im not selfish, how very foolish they are. or perhaps im just a sickeningly good liar. i suppose that must be it. but at school might be the worst, its honestly hard to say. at night at home it hurts. hurts to the point of actaul pain (i dont remember there being physical pain with chris) its all over but its generating from wherever my heart should be (i still hold firmly to the fact that i dont posses one). and with each beat it sends that pain out to further reaching parts of my body. i suppose its closer to the idea that there must be somesort of slow acting poison that is being spread further into my veins with every beat. havent i said that before? but then at school its the other feeling. maybe in the antithesis of what i just described. love and hate are not opposites. niether are pain and pleasure. the opposite of love is apethy, the opposite of pain is complete detatchment. thats how i feel walking down “the shining” hall. i wait outside of stugo (waiting supposedly for emily, lies) for justin; he comes by. we walk down the hall normal converstation. even a small bit of flirting. then we of course go our seperate ways. im off his mind as soon as im out of his sight and thats how it should be for me. only its not. i still wonder where hes sitting. if im still on his mind; but i know better. i wonder if maybe i sit here, and walk this way, and move at this pace ill be in his line of vision enough to the point where he says hi again. maybe if i can just… but no, ive moved down the hall and take a quick glance, i can see him, but he still doesnt see me; its the way it should be. so i walk down “the shining” hall and all i think of is nothing really. what i see though are spaceships. a seemingly peculiar thing to envision but i see them nonetheless. i think of how after a spaceship launches a big part of the ship, almost half just comes off. just starts floating away while the other half floats in the opposite direction. just floating, becasue we all float down here, we’ll all float on. thats how i feel. like at one point i was a whole spaceship, then somewhere along the line i became a seperate entity from myself. like a thirdperson observer seeing everythign that was happening but having no direct control over any of it. like a shell holder. and as im watching myself metaphorical spaceshipself i see me break in two and see both pieces just floating further and further away. now im torn because i know i need to choose one part to hold onto, one part to become again. to be something, anything again. but im stuck watching both parts leave and just feeling sad becasue i love them both. why cant i have them both? i worry so much about choosing the wrong piece that i dont choose any at all. its too late, i waited too long. ill just float on, because we all float down here.

doesnt that seem unfortunate?

whelp the mood as of now. see its day time so im better than usual. and i have returned home from school so goodbye to mental pictures of spaceships, which is a relief in itself. im thinking about other boys. i know i had a great potential to like cameron, but i dont want to. im for no reason dreading that idea. i dont know why. i know i could easily have dated him instead of justin, prolly woulda been happier. me and him are just more alike. but i dont know why. it makes my neck feel hot and tingely and the scaredish sick feeling in my stomach. the same feeling when (only on a smaller level) when i had to see justing at church. that was so weird. the feeling is the same as when i handed him saosin sweatshirt. im surprised i didnt start crying then. at the same time im not. i dont cry in public if i feel like im not allowed too. sorta like i only cry when i think i have permission. nobody gave me permission to cry, i knew i wouldnt really. but its the same feeling, only smaller. i dont like that feeling. i dont want to get into things with cameron, i need that feeling to go away.

which brings up glen myers. he actaully seems more my type. actaully, freakishly my type, hed most likely be perfect for me. (that feeling is coming again, even more slightly than with cameron). things wouldnt be as hard, he wouldnt let me feel as uncomfortable; scratch that, id feel comfortable. but i keep finding dumb reasons with both guys; but the biggest one is that as amazing as they both are; for how much better boyfirends theyd make; for how much happier i could be-

theyre just not justin. i realized it in the car and it makes me sad, like i have no chance for happiness if this is how ill always feel when people have grown tired of me. id rather be sad without him than happy with someone else. sacraficing for someone like the way you do in a relationship becomes a part of you. an inate sense. like loving them and taking care of them was all you were meant for. their happiness might be the sole reason for your existence. and the idea that they are not yours to take care of is alien. like saying 2+2=5. its just not so. how could you even insinuate that im not suppose to make sure justin is happy? excuse me, but were you the one trying everyday w/ all your effort to make him smile? was it you who made him soup and a card when he was sick? i guess it had to have been you then who ran out to the store at 9 at night to pick up gummy bears cuz tara had a craving? would you save up quarters so he can go to the stuffed animal machine? oh, well then maybe it was you who hugged his mom when she was sobbing? You came from work completely exhausted and drained but still spent an extra two minutes in the car fixing her makeup and hair, the whole while knowing it didnt even matter b/c the majority of the night you would spend sitting on his back rubbing lotion up and down his skin with no other thoughts than “poor guy, theres got to be a better way to fix this. it must be hurting so much,” right? and last one i promise, was it you who was holding him when he cried and said he that all he had inside was emptiness? that he couldnt feel at all? oh that wasnt you? im the only one who was around for those times? then dont tell me he isnt mine to take care of. ive earned that right. havent i?

i want to say i have. i want to say your goddamn fucking right i have. i put so much into it, all im asking is that no one stops me from taking care of him. i put so much of myself into it, how am i suppose to remember which lines define him and which define me? i never knew id understand this concept so well. that someone belongs to you. that your only here to care for them; that its okay for them to hurt you and want to leave you. you can deal with that. but dont tell me, i cant still be the one to hold him when hes sad. you cant tell me that, i dont want to hear it. i wont listen. ill be the most selfish person in the damn world, you cant take care of justin lucio because i want to more. hes mine. you can have anything else in the world you want. if you want to be the one he laughs with, well the be my guest. if you want to be the girl he kisses when he gets off work, fine. if you want to hear him say i love you, great… but i cant let you take care of him. im sorry, i just dont trust you. when hes sad, how do i really know youll do everything you can for him? what assurance do i have? what can you promise me? youll try? i just dont think thats good enough. you dont know him like i do, he needs more than a half assed effort. scratch that, hes the type that wouldnt ask for anything, but he deserves more than that. i just dont trust anyone but myself with something that important. you must be a nice girl, but i just dont have enough faith. 

its good i didnt have these same feelings with chris b/c i would be stuck in the above mentality forever. i learned from him something very important. he told me once how that i should let him in, let him help me. let him basically take care of me. i dont remember if i told him but i know i sure as hell thought it, “im not yours to take care of”

thats one of things, if not the thing that made me sorta crack at church. watching him put away his drum stuff all by himself. i know he doesnt need help. but i wanted to help him. and it hurt knowing that i couldnt just go up there and give him a hand. he isnt mine to take care of. that concept seems so foreign. its going to take a whole hell of a lot getting use to. and i prolly never really will stop believing it. i just need to be subtle. ill always want to take care of you justin. but i cant in the way ive grown accostumed too. part of falling in love is knowing someone will be there for you when you need them. i want to be that person, but the privallege of hugging you when your sad needs to go to the girl whos right for you, or how will you ever truely fall in love with her? it would be horrible of me to try prevent that by wanting to be your makeshift gaurdian. horrible and selfish and in the end useless.

things are harder than i imagined. after chris i thought id be ready for anything. but i wasnt for any of this. its almost like its not me at all. that protective feeling is so strong it almost blocks out all logic. but i know better than this. whats important here is whats best for him. such a basic concept but its so hard for me to stay focused on. its best for him if i am a friend. one who provides not comfort but insight. if he takes comfort in that insight then great, but hes not mine to take care of. i just need to remember that. justin is not mine to take care of.

he’ll be okay

then ill be okay

then the world will turn again

but it already is, becasue hes already fine, and your just taking your own sweet time getting use to things. remember, somewhere in the world people are still selling toner. theyre not going to stop, even if some girl named leah, or carol, or pam, or samantha, or rachel, or sarah takes care of him. some girl will, it could be anyone of a million faceless janes, katies, brittanies, or hell knowing my luck even ashleys. someones biggest concern in life is still going to be “who can i get to buy 600 gallons of surplus toner?” life has gone on. i know i should. but i know myself even better and i know im just going to stay in this place for a while. wanting to hold onto whats lost. knowing this doesnt make me feel any better. few things hardly do.

goodbye justin steven lucio

im sorry

so basically my primal instinct tells me to inform the blog that i am hungry. although in a strange way im not, i feel as though ive concured the need for food, so ha. i just dont feel like eating anymore, it will be nice to do away with it. i use to think it would be hard to do it again. but its not. it feels so easy. besides i need this. i need to do this because its one of the few things i want to do that i can do and still be doing the right thing. heres what i decided, ive been hypocritical. ive realized i probably am a selfish person and that brie was more right than i gave her credit for. i became so wrapped up in my own life and the things that made me sad that i forget other people are suffering around me. and those who arent might be suffering now because they might me empathetic and feel what im projecting. and further more the people around me trying to cheer me up might feel bad that im not cheering up. or my depressing attitude might bring them down. afterall just because im not really happy doesnt mean the people around me have to be unhappy too. besides the peopel around me are the people i love, im not going to let them suffer on my half. hence the new decision that my hurt is all my own. im not going to share it with anybody. its hard not telling emily everything, but she doesnt need this kind of stress in her life right now. any pain they might take from my suffering im going to claim as my own; it just feels better this way. i didnt do that the first day, i sorta did it on sunday, and a bit more today. so whats this mean?

it means im going to be happy and natural around justin. means im going to do the things i would usually do and not worry what he’ll think. means im going to try and be the friend i never was and make him happy on some level. means im not going to let myself cry around him no matter what. means im going to stop all my emo bullshit and let him know i care but in a way that doesnt make him feel guilty. he is an amazing person, even if i didnt get to know that person first hand. i know he is from the way people love him. its just so obvious. i dont know what will make him happy. i know its not me. i think he knows this too. i want it to be. i realize that desperately now, but i know its more important here the he finds who that person is and that i dont make him feel bad for doing that. i also realized this, i do love justin steven lucio, i just never had the opportunity to be in love with him. same goes for chris. i never could accept that before, but now it makes perfect sense. id take a bullet for either of those boys. ill smile when i want to cry, ill laugh when i want to scream, and ill stay when i want to run. thats how i know i love him. and the promise still stands, its something i only give in love, i get it now. 

 i tried to put this into practice today. he texted me, i dont think i can be the one to start that, i just cant. but he said hey there/i said hello friend, hows life going?/ bad and yours?/ why, whats going on? it just seems that nothing is right/you have no idea how true that sounds, what can i do to help? nothing./so where do you want to get work on wednesday?/ i dont know, you work tonight?/ yes, but im thinking about taking the night off/ well i guess i work wed so well have to do dinner another day if thats okay/ you told me to get it off but you didnt take it off yourself you nerd!/ i had it off but they screwed up the schedule and cant fix it now. pick a day/ i leave for seattle on thursday and im suppose to work till then, but it wont be hard to get work off. you tomorrow?/ Yes/ Then next week any time, she hasnt made a schedule yet. and i dont want you to feel obligated here. we can forget about it if you want/ Monday/ 

end conversation. i think it went decent, i stayed fairly positive, upbeat, didnt show anything but moderate happiness. and thats what i need to continue doing. its whats best

i did that with lots of people today, im getting good at it.

and im telling people thank you who deserve to hear it. i think i forget that part a lot, so im making sure people know it now. im not doing good in all areas. i was mopey and feeling sorry for myself at work, i wanted sympathy. how pathetic. im going to be normal tomorrow. im going to stop being a hypocrite, i say i dont want sympathy but secretly i crave it. im going to stop wanting people to feel sorry for me. its so dumb. be nicer to cameron, i was sorta mean today. 

i gave justin fruit snacks today, i dont know if it was a good idea or not. but im tired of being worried about whether things are good ideas or not. i know id regret it later if i didnt make the attempt to help, so why not just do it? i want to live like that from now on, it just seems better.

today has taught me somethign i always tell everyone else; good people love me. you can tell, just from the way ive been on peoples minds. i dont know if ive ever worried about someone like peopel worried about me today. i dont deserve them, but im going to work to get close. and oddly, my advice is sorta working, i think i do feel happy.

ish…lets just be honest

the first thing i noticed when i got home was that dads car wasnt there, and wouldnt be ever again. isnt that strange, the way something claims its place in your daily life and stand there resolutely for 17 years and then simply isnt? 17 years ive seen my dads car in its place; and just like that its gone and it wont be coming back. thats weird. to think my life has just changed forever and i dont know if i had a hand in this decision at all. i mean, yes i could have stopped it, but i just let it go past me. watched almost as if it wasnt my life but some other girls.  its weird, other peoples parents get divorces, mine dont. but i suppose they do. i suppose few things are constant, except disappointment and emily added forgiveness to that list. i suppose thats opptomistic, but what could a little optimacy hurt these days? i sorta wonder where that car is now. wonder if hes sleeping. wonder if she is. wonder if either saw it like i did. like it wasnt our decision at all. like some other family. some other couple. watch them go. isnt that sad? good thing weve got each other, right? yes its odd. things have changed for good. want to hear something weird? a few days ago my dad asked what he should get mom for valentines day. a few days ago mom said to get the house clean for dad when he gets home. isnt it the strangest? 

i wonder if i can keep this up, my head hurts, somewhere distantly i think im hungry. things are slowwwwwwer than they use to be. slower, but still in a blur as they pass by me. like someone did a slow motion on what a tv looks like when its going fast forward.

i dont want to mistake his simple “im missing the girl who was very much a wallflower to my life” as something more. i do that a lot. i cant seem to help it. ive got high hopes, but i couldnt move a rubber tree plant, let alone if i was an ant. in a way im not proud of im reassured to know he feels this way; it means he had to care a little bit. i know i shouldnt gain assurance from somethign that brings him pain cuz you hurt when you miss something, but hell realize soon wallflowers are easily replaced and besides this wallflower really is just getting promoted to the comfy sweatshirt in the closet that you put on when your a little sad and need someone to listen and make you feel a little bit warmer so you can go out and meet the people who matter. but ill still be able to take comfort in that he missed me even if i was just a wallflower. thats enough. i just wanted to know he cared a little bit; it can all be justified then. i dont even mind using that prefix anymore. 

i met a good person today. abel, kaitelynn’s boyfriend. he seems like the type to make promises too. ive never met anyone like that. im glad i did.

this post is odd, i can’t seem to stop writing as though its not me but someone else. its seems a little to clear and focused, too mature. too much sunshine and rainbows. but life changes, i suppose this is good and i am happy its good. but i still feel its too much sunshine and rainbows.

but what is one to really do?

ashley 

i was going to blog, but little needs to be said, should read dp entry about you now.

i just miss him i guess.

i hate the prefix or word “just” its one of millions of dumb reminders. its so strange to think were not dating… so very strange. i could have done thigns better…. if first you dont succeed try, try again. 

a promise?

-i cant fix that i wasnt enough, i know theres so much more i could have done. i cant fix it. i cant give us another chance. i cant redo all of my mistakes. there were so many. i doubt it would matter to you anyways but justin steven lucio but i promise to try harder next time. next time im going to try to be enough. the next guy who gives me the opportunity isnt going to have to regret it like you have. ill make someone happy for you i promise. it doesnt fix that i couldnt make you happy, but its all ive got. 

and maybe for something that will actauly help you? i promise i will always be here. i dont care where youve been, where you are, or where your going. i dont care about what has gone right and what has gone ary in your life. but im always here. same place, same girl. and if everything else changes on you and you need something constant just so you can have a spot to stand still and watch teh rest of the world change well then thats fine. i cant say this is a really special promise, everyone i love, have loved, and will love get the same assurance. but just know its open for you. you might have doubts someday about this because we might not have talked for god knows how long, but if you can remember my name and how to reach me, then id be honored to assist you in anything… even if you just need me to scare away an owl on your lawn or something- 

a sorta forever kind of thing,

ashley 

my blog died. i accidentally deleted it. no real loss. what day is it today, the 11th? im not good with the number 1, im going to claim that my unlucky number. no, in all fairness, it was the tenth. i had wrote some things, but whatever, a recount….

first, conversation with coby;

 whoami6989 [12:31 A.M.]:  you there?
Auto response from Ashez918 [12:31 A.M.]: I am away from my computer right now.
Ashez918 [12:31 A.M.]:  yes
whoami6989 [12:32 A.M.]:  lol like always
Ashez918 [12:32 A.M.]:  it finally happened
whoami6989 [12:32 A.M.]:  que?
Ashez918 [12:32 A.M.]:  what do you think when i type that? (sheer curiousity)
whoami6989 [12:33 A.M.]:  honestly when you just said that i thought lost virginity
Ashez918 [12:33 A.M.]:  hahahha
whoami6989 [12:33 A.M.]:  but i doubt thats it
Ashez918 [12:33 A.M.]:  yeah i figured thats what most ppl would think
Ashez918 [12:33 A.M.]:  but no
whoami6989 [12:33 A.M.]:  and its you breaking up
Ashez918 [12:33 A.M.]:  if your curious
Ashez918 [12:33 A.M.]:  how did you know???
whoami6989 [12:33 A.M.]:  cause you’ve been expecting it from day 1
Ashez918 [12:33 A.M.]:  god damn your good
whoami6989 [12:33 A.M.]:  wondering how long it would be
Ashez918 [12:33 A.M.]:  i mean
Ashez918 [12:34 A.M.]:  holy fuck your good
Ashez918 [12:34 A.M.]:  whats your middly name?
Ashez918 [12:34 A.M.]:  middle*
whoami6989 [12:34 A.M.]:  michael but sometimes i just go by my nickname G-d (not allow to say my name and all)
Ashez918 [12:35 A.M.]:  coby michael white, youre a fucking genious
Ashez918 [12:35 A.M.]:  i just cant believe you knew
Ashez918 [12:35 A.M.]:  how insightful
Ashez918 [12:35 A.M.]:  how clever
whoami6989 [12:35 A.M.]:  lol
whoami6989 [12:35 A.M.]:  what
whoami6989 [12:35 A.M.]:  did you expect
whoami6989 [12:35 A.M.]:  me and you left off months ago
Ashez918 [12:35 A.M.]:  its been a long time since ive been this enthralled with someones capabilites
Ashez918 [12:35 A.M.]:  so you knew even then?
whoami6989 [12:35 A.M.]:  you asked me how long it would last
whoami6989 [12:35 A.M.]:  i gave it 2 weeks
Ashez918 [12:35 A.M.]:  lol
whoami6989 [12:35 A.M.]:  you gave it a month
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  i dont even remember this
whoami6989 [12:36 A.M.]:  you’ve been expecting it
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  but not like this i suppose
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  it really sorta sucks
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  lifes gonna just be hard
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  and such
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  suck
whoami6989 [12:36 A.M.]:  how so
whoami6989 [12:36 A.M.]:  oh first off
whoami6989 [12:36 A.M.]:  who did it
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  after 6 months ppl like mold to your life and daily rutines
Ashez918 [12:36 A.M.]:  i dont really know
Ashez918 [12:37 A.M.]:  me, but i still would say him
whoami6989 [12:37 A.M.]:  oh one of those…
Ashez918 [12:37 A.M.]:  if that makes sense
Ashez918 [12:37 A.M.]:  ill describe it to you
Ashez918 [12:37 A.M.]:  and you decide
whoami6989 [12:37 A.M.]:  hokay
Ashez918 [12:37 A.M.]:  he was all moodyish and complained that he had been bored all day
Ashez918 [12:37 A.M.]:  and that he didnt just wanna go back to his house and hang out cuz we always do that
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  so i was like okay
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  and i got some blankets
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  drove out to new river
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  found a dark deserted part
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  and we layed down on the roof listening to music
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  it was one of those silences that isnt akward, but you know there is plenty not being said
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  and i asked him what he was thinking
Ashez918 [12:38 A.M.]:  and he said lots of things
Ashez918 [12:39 A.M.]:  and somehow i dont even know exactly
Ashez918 [12:39 A.M.]:  we started talking about abstract thinkers
Ashez918 [12:39 A.M.]:  and how they always look back in life and wondered if things couldnt have been done differently
Ashez918 [12:39 A.M.]:  and we started talking about us
Ashez918 [12:39 A.M.]:  and if things had gone differently
Ashez918 [12:39 A.M.]:  which brought us to the point of what was actaully wrong
Ashez918 [12:40 A.M.]:  and that its been 7 months and neither of us feel as much as we should by now
Ashez918 [12:40 A.M.]:  then he started crying cuz he couldnt explain why he cant just look at me and say he loves me
whoami6989 [12:40 A.M.]:  *cough*pussy*cough*
Ashez918 [12:40 A.M.]:  because he just feels empty inside, like he has nothign to offer anyone. and hes felt that way ever since he broke up with pam
whoami6989 [12:40 A.M.]:  sorry
Ashez918 [12:40 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [12:40 A.M.]:  and then i sorta chuckled 
Ashez918 [12:41 A.M.]:  cuz im the opposite
whoami6989 [12:41 A.M.]:  lol
whoami6989 [12:41 A.M.]:  you had my thoughts
Ashez918 [12:41 A.M.]:  i feel like i have so damn much i want to giive someone
whoami6989 [12:41 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [12:41 A.M.]:  i dont thinki want a lot in this world
Ashez918 [12:41 A.M.]:  hell i said the same thing a few nights ago when i was blogging away my troubles
Ashez918 [12:42 A.M.]:  i just want to be loved. and it gets to the point in life where i honestly dont know if anyone ever will
Ashez918 [12:42 A.M.]:  and it hurts so bad
Ashez918 [12:42 A.M.]:  because
Ashez918 [12:42 A.M.]:  i dont think you can truely be in love with someone unless theyre in love with you
Ashez918 [12:42 A.M.]:  and i want so badly to be loved and have someoen to love
Ashez918 [12:42 A.M.]:  i really really tried to make him happy
Ashez918 [12:42 A.M.]:  to be enough
Ashez918 [12:43 A.M.]:  and i never said the words “i just want to be enough for  you:
Ashez918 [12:43 A.M.]:  “
Ashez918 [12:43 A.M.]:  because i know thats what was bothering him most
Ashez918 [12:43 A.M.]:  anytime i said you can find someone better
Ashez918 [12:43 A.M.]:  he just got more choked up cuz he didnt want me to feel like it was my fault. like i wasnt good enough
Ashez918 [12:43 A.M.]:  but in reality thats exactly what it is
Ashez918 [12:44 A.M.]:  what it always is
Ashez918 [12:44 A.M.]:  what is always going to be
Ashez918 [12:44 A.M.]:  so i told him he was right
whoami6989 [12:44 A.M.]:  ashley… what the hell stop demeaning yourself
Ashez918 [12:44 A.M.]:  that i didnt feel as much for him as i should either, which was the truth
Ashez918 [12:44 A.M.]:  and that i only wanted him to be happy
Ashez918 [12:44 A.M.]:  which was also the truth
Ashez918 [12:45 A.M.]:  and in the end i knew what he needed to hear to be at ease
Ashez918 [12:45 A.M.]:  so i told him
Ashez918 [12:45 A.M.]:  and i get to play the part when i see him tomorrow at church
Ashez918 [12:45 A.M.]:  i hate acting, but i think im damn good at it
whoami6989 [12:45 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [12:45 A.M.]:  so i might as well use such talents
Ashez918 [12:46 A.M.]:  and i wasnt demeaing myself
whoami6989 [12:46 A.M.]:  eh i guess
Ashez918 [12:46 A.M.]:  i decided recently that persective is realirt
whoami6989 [12:46 A.M.]:  you know what i learned sitting through a philosophy class
Ashez918 [12:46 A.M.]:  and therefore if mine and his persepectives are that i am never going to be good enough then it is reality
Ashez918 [12:46 A.M.]:  so there
whoami6989 [12:46 A.M.]:  reality is bullshit
Ashez918 [12:46 A.M.]:  only because its based on perspective which is bullshit
whoami6989 [12:47 A.M.]:  i’d have to say that the breakup was mutual
whoami6989 [12:47 A.M.]:  least it wasnt one of those i hate you things
Ashez918 [12:47 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [12:48 A.M.]:  i suppose
Ashez918 [12:48 A.M.]:  i guess i sorta wanted this to happen
Ashez918 [12:48 A.M.]:  but not as much as i just wanted it to work out
Ashez918 [12:48 A.M.]:  i guess ive wanted this to happen ever since i realized this was never going to be like it could have been
Ashez918 [12:48 A.M.]:  and now that it is over, im back to wishing it just could have been everythign i had hoped for
Ashez918 [12:48 A.M.]:  what a silly girl i am
whoami6989 [12:49 A.M.]:  its what everyone wishes for when something like this happens
Ashez918 [12:49 A.M.]:  true
Ashez918 [12:49 A.M.]:  but still
Ashez918 [12:50 A.M.]:  i just dont want to deal with how hard its gonna be for a whike
Ashez918 [12:50 A.M.]:  i dont have the time for this
Ashez918 [12:50 A.M.]:  the energy
Ashez918 [12:50 A.M.]:  im so tired all thet ime
Ashez918 [12:50 A.M.]:  i dont want to feel like this again
whoami6989 [12:50 A.M.]:  no one does
whoami6989 [12:50 A.M.]:  its never a good feeling
Ashez918 [12:51 A.M.]:  every text i get im going to hope it was from him
Ashez918 [12:52 A.M.]:  everytime i get out of work im going to have the instinct to touch up my makeup, but im not going to have to
Ashez918 [12:52 A.M.]:  im gonna think before i even realize im thinking if this outfit looks alright on the days i know when id see him most
Ashez918 [12:52 A.M.]:  stupid ass shit is going to remind me of him
Ashez918 [12:52 A.M.]:  gummy bears
Ashez918 [12:52 A.M.]:  fruit snacks
Ashez918 [12:52 A.M.]:  pop rocks
Ashez918 [12:53 A.M.]:  owls
Ashez918 [12:53 A.M.]:  walabies
Ashez918 [12:53 A.M.]:  the zoo
Ashez918 [12:53 A.M.]:  music
Ashez918 [12:53 A.M.]:  and i could go on
whoami6989 [12:53 A.M.]:   listen to that song
Ashez918 [12:53 A.M.]:  which one?
Ashez918 [12:53 A.M.]:  the monster one?
whoami6989 [12:53 A.M.]:  the one im trying to file transfer
Ashez918 [12:54 A.M.]:  i need an artist name to buy it on itunes
whoami6989 [12:54 A.M.]:  oh if you want to buy it thats another thing
whoami6989 [12:54 A.M.]:  its the white stripes “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself”
ATTENTION [12:54 A.M.]:  whoami6989 is attempting to send you the file:  I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself.m4a
ATTENTION [12:54 A.M.]:  File Transfer started.
ATTENTION [12:55 A.M.]:  File Transfer successful.
Ashez918 [12:57 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [12:57 A.M.]:  this song makes me laugh
whoami6989 [12:57 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [12:59 A.M.]:  thanks for that though
Ashez918 [12:59 A.M.]:  tomorrow is going to be weird
Ashez918 [12:59 A.M.]:  i hate sympathy
whoami6989 [12:59 A.M.]:  yeah
Ashez918 [12:59 A.M.]:  i wish it would just fall off a cliff
Ashez918 [12:59 A.M.]:  ooooh
Ashez918 [12:59 A.M.]:  better yet
Ashez918 [1:00 A.M.]:  it would be symbolic retribution if sympathy
Ashez918 [1:00 A.M.]:  like
Ashez918 [1:00 A.M.]:  got really depresed and sad for its self
Ashez918 [1:00 A.M.]:  and ppl around sympthaty felt bad for it
whoami6989 [1:00 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [1:00 A.M.]:  so they sent a bunch of stupid halmark sympathy cards to it
Ashez918 [1:01 A.M.]:  and then sympathy slit its own risks with a million and a half paper cuts from the sympathy cards
Ashez918 [1:01 A.M.]:  yes that would be oh so fitting
whoami6989 [1:01 A.M.]:  wiw
whoami6989 [1:01 A.M.]:  wow*
Ashez918 [1:01 A.M.]:  and id rot in hell for laughing
Ashez918 [1:01 A.M.]:  you know it would be a very fitting death 
whoami6989 [1:01 A.M.]:  yeah i can tell you’re distraught
Ashez918 [1:01 A.M.]:  well back to sympathy
Ashez918 [1:02 A.M.]:  i realllllllllllly dont want his sympathy
Ashez918 [1:02 A.M.]:  i hate it so much
Ashez918 [1:02 A.M.]:  it makes everyhting harder
Ashez918 [1:02 A.M.]:  i can usualyl keep my cool except when faced with sympathy
whoami6989 [1:02 A.M.]:  you could always go the closed shell way i go with things go sour
whoami6989 [1:02 A.M.]:  tell him to fuck off
Ashez918 [1:03 A.M.]:  all sympathy is in a situation like htis is saying, i care about you, but kust not enough to not hurt you….
Ashez918 [1:03 A.M.]:  i considered that
Ashez918 [1:03 A.M.]:  but i simply cant
Ashez918 [1:03 A.M.]:  cuz then hed feel bad
Ashez918 [1:03 A.M.]:  i could sorta not talk to him, not really acknowledge him in a polite and friendly way
whoami6989 [1:03 A.M.]:  that too
whoami6989 [1:03 A.M.]:  talking makes things awkward
Ashez918 [1:03 A.M.]:  but even then hed have an inkling of doubt and unease as to why and would only believe that maybe i really am miserable and sad
whoami6989 [1:04 A.M.]:  and things happen people regret
Ashez918 [1:04 A.M.]:  and i dont want him to have to even deal with that
Ashez918 [1:04 A.M.]:  after this talk when we decided to go home
Ashez918 [1:04 A.M.]:  he asked if id still be his valentine and if he could take me out to dinner
Ashez918 [1:04 A.M.]:  he asks cuz he thinks i want him to ask 
whoami6989 [1:04 A.M.]:  lol
whoami6989 [1:04 A.M.]:  funny story
Ashez918 [1:04 A.M.]:  i say yes even theough i dont want him to ask or want to go
Ashez918 [1:05 A.M.]:  but i say yes because it makes him happy to think hes doing what i want to do
whoami6989 [1:05 A.M.]:  that kinda thing happened when mary and i broke up
Ashez918 [1:05 A.M.]:  even though i dread it terribly
Ashez918 [1:05 A.M.]:  really?>
Ashez918 [1:05 A.M.]:  who asked who out to dinner, just to patch things up?
whoami6989 [1:05 A.M.]:  yeah it was her birthday party dinner like 2 days from then
whoami6989 [1:06 A.M.]:  and i was already invited
whoami6989 [1:06 A.M.]:  she was like i hold it open and i was like uhh no
whoami6989 [1:06 A.M.]:  and then i began to be an asshole
whoami6989 [1:06 A.M.]:  and fun ensued
Ashez918 [1:06 A.M.]:  i like him to much for that
Ashez918 [1:06 A.M.]:  liked
whoami6989 [1:06 A.M.]:  i dunno
whoami6989 [1:07 A.M.]:  im just good at seperation
Ashez918 [1:07 A.M.]:  another problem, im going to hate having to put things into past tense when i talk about what we use to have
whoami6989 [1:07 A.M.]:  i was depressed afterwards cause i knew i wasnt dating anyone else for a long time
whoami6989 [1:07 A.M.]:  still true to this day
Ashez918 [1:07 A.M.]:  u dont mind be single
Ashez918 [1:07 A.M.]:  but i do miss him
Ashez918 [1:07 A.M.]:  going to miss him
Ashez918 [1:08 A.M.]:  im going to miss hugging him most
Ashez918 [1:08 A.M.]:  he was a really good hugger
Ashez918 [1:08 A.M.]:  some people give whimpy hugs
whoami6989 [1:08 A.M.]:  eh i think it was the fact that it was a relationship that you’ll miss
Ashez918 [1:08 A.M.]:  but he had a really good one
whoami6989 [1:08 A.M.]:  not the person
Ashez918 [1:08 A.M.]:  id say half and half
whoami6989 [1:08 A.M.]:  sure there might be kinks like that
whoami6989 [1:09 A.M.]:  but the weight of it is you’ll miss the fact that someone was there
Ashez918 [1:09 A.M.]:  true true
Ashez918 [1:09 A.M.]:  you know what also sucks about spending to much time with soeone?
whoami6989 [1:09 A.M.]:  you’ve lost regular contact with your friends?
Ashez918 [1:10 A.M.]:  you end up talking like them,i never used the expressions, true true, hard core, stocked, sweet, it has its moments, ect until him
Ashez918 [1:10 A.M.]:  no thats not too bad
Ashez918 [1:10 A.M.]:  my friends all have bfs so its not like i can talk to them anyways
Ashez918 [1:10 A.M.]:  no date for prom
whoami6989 [1:10 A.M.]:  lol
Ashez918 [1:11 A.M.]:  what also sucks ass was the plans i had made
whoami6989 [1:11 A.M.]:  you know what depresses me about life
Ashez918 [1:11 A.M.]:  i knew exactly what i wanted to do for him for valentines and his birthday
whoami6989 [1:11 A.M.]:  cameron kopas the man i harassed for years about how he wouldnt get a girlfriend
whoami6989 [1:11 A.M.]:  not only got one but has kept one
whoami6989 [1:11 A.M.]:  while i’ve remained single
whoami6989 [1:12 A.M.]:  out of the IB guys
whoami6989 [1:12 A.M.]:  jon is the only one to have a girlfriend this year besides kopas
whoami6989 [1:12 A.M.]:  and jon never went out with her really
whoami6989 [1:12 A.M.]:  we had a betting pool for when they’d break up
whoami6989 [1:13 A.M.]:  hell right now i can swear that we’re all going or at least want (in someway) the same girl
whoami6989 [1:14 A.M.]:  which is becoming a fun situation on its own
Ashez918 [1:16 A.M.]:  haha
Ashez918 [1:16 A.M.]:  who is the lucky girl?
whoami6989 [1:16 A.M.]:  name is bailey
Ashez918 [1:16 A.M.]:  hmmm i havent heard her mentioned yet
whoami6989 [1:17 A.M.]:  thats where i was before getting online and speaking to you
whoami6989 [1:17 A.M.]:  how i got there to her house is a funny thing on its on
whoami6989 [1:17 A.M.]:  own*
whoami6989 [1:18 A.M.]:  yeah bailey is a junior thats in IB that i’ve known since i was in band
Ashez918 [1:20 A.M.]:  how did you get to her house?
whoami6989 [1:21 A.M.]:  well i was with dakota and jeremiah and we had just got done bowling where we didnt pay for the games
whoami6989 [1:21 A.M.]:  (it was busy so we snuck out)
whoami6989 [1:21 A.M.]:  and from there we were wondering what to do next
whoami6989 [1:21 A.M.]:  and i was like out of no where
whoami6989 [1:21 A.M.]:  lets go to hooters
whoami6989 [1:22 A.M.]:  and they were like okay
whoami6989 [1:22 A.M.]:  then we had heard something from a fairly large chested girl in our class that you can get free wings at hooters if your boobs touch the wall before your nose
whoami6989 [1:23 A.M.]:  then dakota or jeremiah was like lets call up bailey
whoami6989 [1:23 A.M.]:  so we did
whoami6989 [1:23 A.M.]:  then jeremiah spent awhile trying to convince her and her friend to come but it turns out they were babysitting their brothers
whoami6989 [1:23 A.M.]:  so then they were like bring us ice cream
whoami6989 [1:24 A.M.]:  and the arguement went back and forth
whoami6989 [1:24 A.M.]:  and then she gave us her address (without directions and we’re in a car) and we were like okay see ya there with the ice cream
whoami6989 [1:25 A.M.]:  we picked some ice cream up i used my crazy direction skills to find it
whoami6989 [1:25 A.M.]:  and then we just hung out for like an hour
whoami6989 [1:26 A.M.]:  it was much more humorous being there and listening to the conversation
Ashez918 [1:27 A.M.]:  lol i see
Ashez918 [1:27 A.M.]:  this clears many things up
Ashez918 [1:27 A.M.]:  big chested girls have life easier
Ashez918 [1:27 A.M.]:  i think im gonna go i need to blog then sleep
whoami6989 [1:27 A.M.]:  lol
whoami6989 [1:27 A.M.]:  bailey isnt like boom with her rack
whoami6989 [1:28 A.M.]:  if we were looking for that
whoami6989 [1:28 A.M.]:  we knew other people
Ashez918 [1:28 A.M.]:  lol gotcha

]

whoami6989 [1:29 A.M.]:  well thats for taking the initiative and saying you were leaving
whoami6989 [1:30 A.M.]:  i remembered i have work at 8:45
whoami6989 [1:30 A.M.]:  which means up and out by 8:30
whoami6989 [1:30 A.M.]:  least i work where i get all the caffeine i could dream of
Ashez918 [1:30 A.M.]:  nerd
whoami6989 [1:31 A.M.]:  goodnight hot lips
whoami6989 [1:31 A.M.]:  hope everything goes well for ya
Ashez918 [1:31 A.M.]:  i cant help but hope the same thing…

a recount is in order.
Ill do the end the justice I never did to the beginning. Write it all down. Waking up today I dreaded work. Disappointed by no text. Happy to get a text. Happier to see it said “yes darling” when I asked if I was suppose to meet him at planet beach. A little awkward with drew there. I think that was the last time I kissed him. I don’t remember doing so on the lips after that. Maybe, I don’t remember though. Work. Sad no text. Work. Sad no text. He came in! I was really excited about that. It makes me cry to think so. I so desperately wanted signs that he cared. I saw them in everything. Just coming into work. He left soon afterward. Said he was bored. I told him he shoulda just stayed, he said he didn’t wanna bother me at work. Basically told him that was dumb. He said he was bored. Really wanted to do something different. So I went to my house. Stole blankets and pillows. Took him to new river. Quiet the whole time. Took the stuff out. Layed it on the car. Said nothing…. I didn’t want it to be like that. Its so ironic. I thought I would be helping what little relationship we had by making that effort to talk about the things important to me. But that didn’t work now did it? I asked him what he was thinking. I think he said all sorts of things, i think I waited for him to elaborate, im pretty sure he didn’t. I think he must have asked me the same thing. I told him abstract things. About the poem about the rome coin, about wondering who laid the tile at the outlet malls. I asked if what he thought abstract meant. Collectively he put in the question things, look at things form other angles and think what life would be like if this had happened. i said its thinking about things most ppl think aren’t important. I asked if he agreed that abstract thinkers bother to much with whats not important. He said no. I was happy. Im an abstract thinker. He said it was good to do that. That a lot of time he thinks abstractly about what life would be like if this and this had happened or this hadn’t happened. I called him a what-if-er. I took a risk, some risks are bad. I asked what he what-if-ed. I don’t remember our short dance around the inevitable, the inevitable finally caught up. He said us. I don’t remember what sparked it or maybe I do. I think it was a little after he said that he wondered why he couldn’t tell me he loved me. What 7 months him he couldn’t just say that. Somewhere he started crying. I think it was when he said he has nothing to give. That he just feels empty. That’s when he really started crying. It made me cry. I said so many things tonight ive always wanted to say. I told him that emptiness was a pressure on the inside and out. I told him you cant have everything that would make you happy b/c then there would be no happiness, I told him the love was like a color that you could feel and touch and taste. What the world was like with color, what it was like without color. I held his head when he cried. I wanted so bad to tell him I loved him. I told him I don’t go away. No matter how much I hate the person in the moment ( I assured him that not how I felt, which was the truth). I said I would always always be there. I talked about chris. Why he sucked. Why I hate him. Why ill always be there for him. I actually told him that I hate myself. Always. Not much further insight. He wanted to know why. He felt so bad because he didn’t want to hurt me. Not because it hurt him. That’s what always hurts most. How Ironic. He felt bad that I had “wasted” a lot of firsts on him. I told him he wasn’t a waste. I never asked if he thought it was a waste. He would have said no. I think he would have been lying. A little. He said he hated so much that I was good. And now im crying again. That I was so selfless. So serving. That I would always go out of my way. That I cared so much. That I tired so much. And he was so sad that it just wasn’t enough. So sad that he knew I knew it was beacsue it wasn’t good enough. He hated those words so much. Theyre so true. The truth is so hated. He cried hardest when I said not good enough. He wanted it so bad to be his fault. But I know. He knows I know. And that’s what made it hardest. It was just me. If I was enough, he would be happy. But hes not. I wasn’t enough. I know he had to care a little. If he didn’t he wouldn’t care if I knew that it was my fault or not. but he wanted to protect me from that. God I want to be protected. God I want to be loved. I want it so bad. Please? Why doesn’t the star come down and hug me? Why does it get all blurry when my eyes tear up and then just fade altogether when I need it most? why do I feel like my hearts been broken when I didn’t ever tell him I loved him? Why didn’t I tell him his best hug was in Latvia with the toothbrush in his mouth after that one talk? Why do I think not falling in love keeps me from feeling this? Why does it feel unreal, like ill get a do over? Why do I believe in hope when I know perfectly well how it works? Why am I so good at crying quietly? I told him enough times it was okay. I was okay. I felt the same way even. To some point that’s true. We decided when we were together we were happy, when we were apart it didn’t seem meant to last. He kept asking what I felt. Now im the what-if-er. If I had said different things would we have stayed together? Maybe. But im sure not in a good way. He didn’t want a break to think things over, the thought they were stupid. He asked me what we should do. But most of all he was hurt that I was going to be hurt. If it just hurt to talk like we were that would be one thing. But it only hurt to hurt me. Even strangers feel empathy. Empathy is an amazing quality, but it doesn’t compare to genuine love. Genuinely caring. He said I was empathetic, I said lots of people were. But he said I was genuine. He said he wished so much that he could just feel the right things for me. I said he couldn’t force it. He said he wished it was me he had fallen in love with and not pam. I said you cant choose that. He asked if he brought color to my world. I think I basically said no. it was true. But he soooooo could have. He said early on he didn’t like closure, didn’t like to feel things were over. I want to hope so bad that means theres hope. I did tell him I hated myself and it was long before him and will be long after. He couldn’t figure out why, I told him its cuz I was never good enough. Either it didn’t bother him as much to hear it now or he just didn’t show it. I consoled, told him it was okay, it would be best. I finally said we shouldn’t be together if this is how we both feel. He was noticeably better after that. He perked up right away. Even started in on the jokes. “this doesn’t mean you can keep my saosin sweatshirt” when we were climbing down he asked if I would still be his valentine. Trying to keep with the humorous suddenly light mood I asked him what that entailed. He said prolly dinner and a box of chocolates. I said I was a whore for chocolate, he said he knew. We didn’t talk on the way back home. Except when he asked if I worked tomorrow. (the question was so natural, yet so unneeded now. What did it matter? If was home, if he was home, we wouldn’t see each other anyways. So natural. So unneeded. I told him I didn’t. that I finally had taken adams advice and had just started requesting Sundays off. I ahdnt, I just lied. We got to his house. Chuckled at him unrolling the window. I told him at least he wont have to do that anymore. He said he doubted it would be the last time he was in that car. I think I nodded or something. He took the further seems forever cd out of the player. Flipped through the cd binder to find an empty spot. Said he needed a bigger one. I said that’s why ppl get ipods. He said he liked cds, being able to read the lyrics in the books, I said I know. Youre just weird. (I thought about the time he lost the paramour lyrics book and was all sad, I remember planning to buy the cd just for the silly book if he couldn’t find it, he did find it) He said don’t drive off I need my bike. i said oh yeah, ill help. I got out, opened the doors. Held them open. He took it out. i offered to hold it while he opened the garage door. He said hed be fine. It hurts he didn’t even move towards this. That I did it all alone. I have him a hug. But he only one armedly hugged me back, the other being preoccupied with a bike and cds. It was such a bad hug for Justin lucio. He usually gives such good hugs. So comforting. Hes really good at that. But it was a bad hug. No real feeling. Just customary. Like shaking hands with someone when you have no interest in them. Or like when I greet every customer who walks through levis. You don’t want to do it but you don’t really don’t want to either. You don’t really care either way, you know your suppose to so you do. So he did. I walked away fast after that, drove away fast too. I wasn’t going to look back but I did. I couldn’t help it. I was glad that it sorta looked like he was watching me drive away. Maybe he didn’t have enogh time to turn 180 degrees in the split second it took me to get in my car and drive away, but maybe he did want to watch me go. How should I know anyways. I remember at one point he said he didn’t want to lose me. I told him hed still see me at school and church. He cried and said that wasn’t the same. I told him I am one of those people who is never really gone. I really wish he was sad to lose me. I just doubt it though. Like I was telling coby. I did want this to happen. But what I wanted to happen more was for us just to work. But I had accepted a while back that it was never going to work. So I just wanted us to break up. And now that we have, I just wish it would have worked. It doesn’t seem like weve broken up. Hes such a huge part of my life now. Its so hard to imagine it now without him. Ive already been through them all the. No more texts. No one to look forward to seeing after work. No one to see random junk for and want to buy it for them. I just remember the dinosaur sponges I had bought and wanted to make with him. And of course the plans I had made. Valentines, sadi Hawkins, his birthday.  The list I had started in my mind of all the things that made him the Justin lucio. It sucks so much I just wish I had had the chance to do these things. Even if he would have broken up w/ me the next day, at least he would have known. I was dreading and now because of hope (for the first time thinks abck to the entry on hope, so emo, so true) im looking forward to dinner on valentines. I wish I didn’t look so ugly lately. I wish I could look perfect for that day. I prolly wont. Stupid ass hair. Stupid horrible skin. I needed him so much right now. Feeling so ugly last week or so. Feeling so uncared for like such a failure cuz of my family. Feeling so insecure about the future. No more tears, I suppose this is where the entry ends. But because of my blasted hope im going to hope theres more to this. Im going to plan in depth Wednesday. At least ill have nothing to lose.

honestly, i dont understand illogical questions. how can someone not see what is so blatantly obvious? i really need this explained to me. por ejemplo…

Chiquita, por que quieres movar afuera de la casa? no te gustan? por que? por que?!?

 however… the next day the conversation is much more reminscient of….

your so irresponisble, you cant live on your own, your so naive, live at home, you cant take the bus!, but remember we love you, thats why we call you on a daily basis completely incompetent and inept its because we love you. see its not okay to say horribly cutting things to people, its not okay to tell them you dont believe in them at all, its not okay to tell them theyre simply not cut out for a completely normal state of living like 99% of the population is. unless… unless of course after you tell them all of these horriblely cruel things  you tell them that you love them, then its perfectly fine, after all its cuz we love you that we have absolutely no faith in you. i mean, what kind of family would we be if we told you that you could do anything you wanted, be anything you wanted, that we’d support you no matter what, that hey, if you think its time to get out on your own then by all means go ahead! and hey if something happens, thats life, well be here for you when you need someone to fall back on, thats what families are all about. would you like that ashley? would you like that if we said things like that? thats what parents who dont care about their children say… we love you, so stay at home, youd just fail in the real world anyways. Now put on a smile and spend more time with the family. We miss you, oh and stop leaving your stuff everywhere. everyday its the same, you left the bread out again. could you try to stop doing that, please? how many times do we ask you please? come on ashley. hah, and you want to live on your own, who would put your bread away then? did you think about that? see, i think you should just live here, you dont make me feel very secure in living by yourself. what? your going to bed so early? why? oh your just tired… well. remember we love you. and dont forget the bread; or any of your other short commings, we musnt forget those now. good night, we love you ashes.

the INEVITABLE QUESTION- where should i live? want me to pitch a tent in the backyard?

now the answer here is fairly logical, on the surface.

 answer: this is only temorary, sarah and ken are gonna move out soon, im sure they will, theyll want to.

why this is a fallacy… mainly any matters dealing with sarah and ken and their residency i completely and utterly distrust. how do they actaully expect me to believe that? is there a possibility, yes. but its not a chance im willing to take.

the last entry ever relating to chris and a strong emotion, only now its pure and simple you can just go fuck yourself you selfish asshole.

“sometimes im with ashley carmen and i just feel so close to her i want to hug her or kiss her, i dunno i can barely stop myself but i know i cant so i dont. i dont do it. i know it wouldnt be right.”- our good friend the asian

wanna know the bitter side? THANKS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT FOR GIVING ME THAT CONSIDERATION BEFORE YOU FUCKED ME UP AND OVER YOU SON OF A BITCH. i dont know why the hell i even talk to you, youre a prick, youre always going to be a prick and you always were. you dont give a damn about other people unless they mean something to you. well fuck you i dont want to hear your pitful excuse for unhappiness. fuck off and dont ever try to be a part of my life again.

and i feel strangely better

so back to the topic of the blog, i need to move out desperately. i just cant understand how they dont understand this need. would any of them honestly want to live with themselves if they were me?

another thing to be pissed off at…

and how are you gonna afford this?

im not accepting a damn cent from them, simple as that. they want to lather sarah in affection, pride, acceptance, and God knows it money then go right the fuck on. dont let me stop you. and please, i beg of you, dont let me burden you with the desire for any of those things for myself. ill get them on my own. i dont need your help, and the best part is at one point i wanted your help. not anymore. thanks for curing me of such a silly desire.

 the worst part?

im happier when im happy… i know that sounds retarded but its true. i decided recently to just be nicer to jenny and chris and what not. i tried to make sure the house looked better after i left it then before i got there. i really made an effort. but nothing changes. theres got to be some way to get myself happy again. it worked for about a day, but im the only one making the effort here. im just too tired. im always tired. and everyone around me seems so apathetic. they could have energy, the could make the effort. but they dont. are we talking about justin agian? why do i feel as though everyone in my life is a ficitonal character where every line and syllable was prethoughout by yours truely? what a strange scary thought. where does this go away? i feel like this is the first insight into a suicidal person ive ever had. my fingers feel heavy like theyre the  ones trying to come up with the thoughts, not my head. i just dont know how to make this go away. but i still dont know what this is. its like i honestly believe that a change of scenery will make it better. that it only takes X amount of miles to out run life. ppl say itll catch up to you, but thats bull shit, it wont catch up to you. it is. it simply is. its encompassing, all surrounding, smothering us but cruely never killing us! and why not?!?! why should life want to choke us until our cheeks pale, letting every blue vain spider down your forehead to your lips that if kissed now would be cold and aroused by the equally cold tongue snaking its way through a mouth you dont remember parting? why does it like that blue and green color of brusing along the paled slender neck. why most of all does it like to keep us right there. not in the grave but longing for it? because thats the only real escape. and what a cruel escape it is. how do you put enough space and time between you and life to be free? its so simple. death. the prisoner of the island can leave whenever he wants, but his only home will be the bottom of the sea. no wonder people kill themselves, its the only logical thing to do.

mom can never see this, shed freak out and put me with a shrink. i dont know what i want. no, for once i think i do. i want to feel loved, really really loved. is that so much? i want to feel safe. i want to feel secure. i dont need anyone to take care of me, but id like to know there is someone who wants to take care of me, and if for some reason i fall, they’ll catch me. i want to be with justin; hes the closest thing to that. but i cant help think if i were falling, hed but too busy looking behind me and i would end up falling a foot short of his reach. hed feel bad too… but even his gaze would be torn from that awfully beautiful sight of my insides being outsides in a mastery of splatter paint that would shame even the best of hippies. something behind him is a little more intriguing. is it the same thing he thinks it is? i wonder. i wonder if im crazy. ive never wondered that before. i usually think im supiriour which only leads me to belive im inferior. but now that sanest thought i seem to be having is that im insane. does that mean im not too far gone, that i am sane? catch 22? who is john galt?

i know i should stop now. thats it, the end of all teh questions, the answer to all the riddles. in the end it was the same i had started with. the quesiton is who is john galt. and the answer well… who is john galt anyways? why does it scare only me. why do i feel uneasy when there is nothing to feel uneasy about. why do i wonder if this isnt all over and i am merely a soul holder. like the zero you put underneath the first number when you multiply big numbers. the place holder. only well a soul holder. no… not right. a body holder. its like whoever was me has left their soul maybe dropping straight to hell like those in the inferno. wherever it has gone though its seems its left a few peices behind. a napkin ring here, an old photo there, and green towel that will never match the white ones hung neatly in the guest batheroom, but there just the same. you cant get rid of it, you just cant. why, dont you know? well then why should i, but we best leave it there as those before us left it there. and so with her green towel i cant help but wonder what should have happened to her to make her leave so quickly as to forget the green towel. and now im here. just waiting. the care taker, the place holder, the zero. waiting. washing and rewashing with no use the green towel. hanging it in the same way waiting for hte day shes coming back. but she isnt is she? didnt i know that? is it my green towel? when i leave, who gets it? who is john galt? well, who is john galt anyways?

exactly.

what to write what to write, tis been so long i feel as though ive forgotten how. senioritis has definitely kicked in, i missed thursday and i just dont feel like going tomorrow

what a waste

what a true statement

about everything

im very pessemistic, reasons why? for future laughter..

WHY IN GODS NAME DID OUR CREATER MAKE ORGASIMS SO THAT EVERYONE ELSE COULD BRAG ABOUT HOW AMAZING THEY ARE AND TO LET ME GET SOOOOOO CLOSE BUT THEN MAKE THE DAMN CEILING FLOOD SO THAT I CANNOT HAVE ONE. WILL I EVER HAVE ONE? I HONESTLY DOUBT IT. how unfucking fair 

angry i dont have flowers, everyone esle does…. id take good care of them!

angry cameron doesnt grow a pair and stop sucking up to beth\]

angry i dont grow apair, dump justin and ask cameron out

angry justin depresses me oh so much yet does just enough for me to think theres hope and stick around

angry camerons moving far far away to chicago

angry beth is a freaking bitch

angry she realizes i think this way and therefore doesnt do anything to piss me off when id r-e-a-l-l-y love to go off on her

angry i didnt get a scholarship

angry i CANT ORGASIM

angry friends suck

angry school sucks

angry i dont remember what home cooked meals are

angry i have little money on my W-2s

angry i ahve nothign to say to paul

angry emils so nice when i suck

angry i dont get to take walks or read, or write, or blog

angry this is the note its all gonnna end on

angry im fat

angry theres no time to work out

angry i cant stop eating this chocolate

angry i wanna be in last year again

angry i like cameron

angry im not in washington

angry i cant be a piolt

just blahhhhhhhhhhh

i want so mayn things, most of which i dont know what they are… scary. adu

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