On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

uneasy. thats the correct word. last night i finished reading, the head ache was the cause of such, thank you very much stupid weaker left eye… i laid down, and was simply going to fall asleep, (as i am much accostumed to) but then there it was. uneasiness. its seems odd, i usually dont have random bouts of uneasiness. i wondered at first if i hadnt forgotten something, but that wasnt it. i went over every possible avenue of uneasiness in my life (there were several) but none was the source. after thinking about it, ive realized ive had it before, and whats worse is i’ll have it again. I know exactly what it is. this is the part where i would articulate the idea, what its like, but it seems more than what its like, but not exactly what it is. almost as if ther should be a word in between the two; more than like, but less than is. for all intentional purposes this isnt what its like and isnt what is, its simply what it isnt, but closer than i can come to anyways. i suppose its reminiscient of poison. not any poison, but a slow acting one. the kind that snakes through your veins and bleeds through your skin if you cut yourself. its so slow though, so damned latent that it becomes a part of you. fuck that idea, its plan isnt to take over a part of you, its wants to become all of you. the scary thought isnt that it seeks to destory you completely, its that it moves so slowly. so unobserved, as though it poses no real threat; thats how it succeeds. thats why i was uneasy last night, for some unexplained reason, last night i woke up to it. that how these things work. you fall asleep to their deadliness. you dont realize how its working inside of you, against you, every minute of every waking hour. but for this small window, you see it. you realize what it is. you could even stop it. assuming that is if i could ever realise what it is. not what its like but what it actaully is. and i only have this small window! scratch that, the window may be gone, or will be by then end of the day. last night was when it was opened, by tomorrow, it will be locked. open. open to bother me in the night. open to give uneasy dreams. open to wake up in the middle of the night and and wonder, what is it?. and here it is, still pestering me, but only a ghost of what it was, i no longer feel uneasy, simply curious, slightly frightened by the idea of when the window will open next. the small opportunity i have to stop whatever poison is running through me. it might not be months, a year, a damn decade, and by then, who knows how far this disease will have progressed, will it be too late for me? if i never stop it, will it become me? will it hurt? will i even realize what has happened? will i mind? until the day the window opens again. but for now, i’ll dream of glass breaking.

sdlfjadslj;sljdgm, ive got two seconds to write and the other longer entry is in the drafting stage but i put on justins sweartshirt and now i really miss him and im suddenly afraid of losing him and this sucks cuz it just means im getting more attached!! bloody hell =(

 

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease jsut let her go… please?

…love me instead?

mmmm i just ate a really good chewy chips ahoy cookie. mmmm. anyways, i come here with a specific purpose and intent, that which being to give what i am dubbing an anual assesment of the only time of the year that is worth anything; which is of course, fall. I failed to write a brining fall in or ending fall entry; my mistake which i hope not to repeat. i brought fall in eventually, but horribly late, 0ctober 30; and never truely ended it, though it goes without saying that it ends on halloween. but i did at least bring it in; i shall give you the details below.

 

im trying to remember why i was up so late october 30; it has come back to me. on that monday i got home with the intent of using my day off work to do some real work that i needed to get done for myself. One of which was to bring halloween candy bags to the kids at pappas, which i stayed up till 2 am finishing. well then at 2ish maybe 1:30 i finished and recalled that i never brought fall in so that i might as well do it now. of course i pulled out the ipod (yes, this fall its an ipod instead of a walkman with a cd) and i think i was just in jeans and a not warming shirt. so i went outside and it was much colder than last year, prolly colder than it usually is when i bring in fall. but it was cold and this year the bench in front of my house is now residing in my backyard so i chose a different location. recently the street light that ever plauged my house has, dun dun dun, burnt out. hence its dark outside and i am estatic with this development. well i thought about it and realized it would be fun to lie atop the suburban and look at the stars while of course letting wonders under developed rhythem flow through the heart of it all. no clouds this year; but there was a star. dare i wonder whether it be the same star i gazed upon last year? of course not but for all intentional purposes im going to imagine that it is. as i said no clouds, but this star stood out because it was the brightest; i have mental images of both these stars and im rather fond of them. anyways i listened to wonder and lacked any real indepth thought.   at the end i had ienvitably equated that bright star to the last star and kept staring at it; id look away, find it again, then look away. when the song ended i closed my eyes and turned my head so that when i opened them again i saw the street and not the sky. i climbed down and had to fight the urge to look up agian; i dont know why but i had resolved to not look at it again. it occured to me that this could be the last time i would be in arizona in the fall for maybe four years and this could be my last chance to see that star. the urge to look up almost overcame me, but i walked inside. im glad i did. you just need to be able to let things go when the time comes, if its important enough to you then you just need to have faith that youll see it again.

 it wasnt the first time in a year that i had listend to duncan shiek, nay even wonder. i find that cd comforts me so i listen to it in times of need april/may in latvia and now in the fall. it really is a constant; i use to be afraid of growing tired of it, but now it seems that song is reaching an almost sanctity realm. winter is upon us almost; there is of course that limbo period of neither fall nor winter which is where im dweling. but winter is almost here; the rush. more than ever. holiday hours, driving around town shopping, malls, presents, packages, tags, cards, envelopes, decorations, ligths, trees, church, firneds, family, cookies, stockings, movies, laughter, food, drinks, music, and cold.

this fall has taught me nothing of contenment as last years did, more so of security and faith. have a secure enough faith to know that i cannot ruin my life because it is my life and i will never see it as a waist. no matter what i do when or where, it will be the right decision because i will have known no other.

 winter is almost here, i just hope i can keep up.

qotd~”welcome to another day,

dont seem that different

cause nothing has changed,

remember, try to remmeber

when we werent just running in place”

 

i want it sooooo damnnnn baddddd. justin pulled out a condom last time we were alone at his house. im still having a hard time fathoming that. for the first time in my life, november 1, 2006, i was faced with the option of having sex. i just cant believe it. i did the right thing im sure and said no. but now, its killing me, i never realized how much i wanted to have sex until i realized it was a concievable opiton i could choose. but i cant. i cant because i made the committment to myself to only have sex with someone truely loved and who loved me in return. i know he doesnt feel that way. a part of me, hell basically all of me almost convinced myself that by pulling out that condom it symbolized that he felt a lot more for me than i realized and that if we did have sex it would only bring us closer. BUT I AM TOO SMART FOR THAT, MUAHAHAHHAHAA. i take a pride in my ability to learn.  somethings i learn for myself aka the hard way, but others are so undeniablly true, proven correct by so many others before me that i dont need to make the mistake myself. the above thoughts are a HUGE mistake among TONS of girls; i wont be one of them. i realize the reason i want sex so much is becaseu it symbolizes love to me. i want to love, i want to be loved. so much to the point i hardly care who the person is. A HORRIBLE MISTAKE. thus, i wont act on it. whats really turely pathetic though is that this is a converstation i should really have with justin, only i cant. i dont know why, i cant seem to talk to him about real issues. but im going to, i really am. i ahve to. ill just flat out ask, “how do you feel about sex?” i assume hell put two and two together and ask “is this about the other day” where ill say, “frankly yes, but at the same time, i am just curious” i guess a part of me doesnt wanna have this converstation cuz ill know hell just say he was really horny, or caught up oin the moment and he later when thinking about it he was glad i said no cuz were just not ready for that. it would be a sham, a lie. but i dont want to hear that answer. i want to hear him say he only wants that with smeone he truely cares about (loves?). and just end it at that. let me realize what hes tryign to say. but sadly, i know he wont, hence why i dont wanna ask, id rather keep up this fantasy. sighs. there it is, im gonna go now, im hungry. i hope i hold out, seeing that condom turned me on more than anythign else ever. its almost like a physical pain to imagine saying no again.