okay so its for sure now, ive got myself a school girl crush. i cant help smile when i think about him. and get a little depressed when i dont see him for a day or so. i use to be so worried about being able to talk to him, but were doing it now. i still dont know how much we have in common, but at least im not worried anymore. were going shopping on monday 
to me its cute.
i dont know what to think about pam. its over between them, obviously. and i doubt she’ll change her mind about him. if she should, i just dont know though. shes like a legacy, how can i compete with that? she’ll probably always exsist in his mind as flawless. she seems that way anyways; but honestly, how can you dump someone at school? doesnt that just seem terribly heartless, cold, rather bitch-like? perhaps my opinion is biased though, but still, come on, at school. better than through myspace, phone, or something equally pathetic. at least she had the decency to be in person, but i dont know. at school. maybe its just cuz im a girl, but i would hate that. youd have to go through the rest of the day, not thinking about anythign except for what just happened, no time to talk it over with her. i know i just wanted to be alone when chris called and ruined my fine lovely april the 6th, and of course cry shamelessly for an hour or so. and if it happened at school. i pain to think of the miserableness of it all..
…to be continued, gonna see a movie…
okay so just for fun and for later recollection, im going to make a list of things i love about him and things i always want to remember. sadly it cant be as detailed as it was with chris, what can i say, he was my first kiss i was pretty pysched. but lets just see how it goes; afterall there is a lot more to write about (dot dot dot) :):):):):):):):)
okay so things from latvia
i dont want to forget anythign that happened there though im sure some of its gone already 
i really wish i coulda blogged while i was there… wait! that email to jen, yes, that should ring some bells,
okay heres the email to jen
“
ah my life, she is funny.
so i think the next two words should clear up a lot..
justin lucio
yeah i hate him more than i have ever hated him before. mainly because i am oddly attracted to him, and even way way way way way way way way more odd is the fact that to some degree (a very very very very very very very small degree that is) he is attracted to me. and whats worse is ive had a couple several hour converstations with him and i realize i dont hate him at all. whats even worse is that everyone in the church keeps bringing it up… whats even worse is that i think some ppl are angry about this. ie. emily seems slightly perturbed by this and maddison too, and i think this girl named sarah and one of our camp leaders. why would they be angry you ask… well, emily did like him (and when i say did, i mean as in when the trip first started, though she claims (claim is the key word) that she doesnt anymore… apparently maddison liked him a little while ago, which i just learned last night. this sarah girls likes him a lot now. and the camp leader really likes sarah and im sure shed rather justin like her than me. i think its cuz im not too contected with the church so everyoen would rather if he picked someoen else to flirt with instead.
and when i say flirt, you have no idea. he gives the word new meaning. im dslk;fjak;sdgjsdhg.
i hate this. we talked for like two hours outside last night by ourselves (when we came back in, lots of weird looks…) anyways, but he kind of brought up how he was kinda interestested in me….
want to know what makes this really fun though?
hes in love with his ex girlfriend and hes all but going out with sarah g. which means simply this. i must suffer the looks of everyone on this trip and know taht there secretly talking about me, and in the end it doesnt even matter, i get nothing out of it. he’ll go home see sarah, and think to himself, “wtf was i thinking?”
im trying very hard to not let that bother me. see, ive learned to really evaluate a situation before i get my hopes up, and in my cinical mind ive figured out exactly whats going on.
see, hes really confused, hes on this trip, the only girl who he doesnt know is me and therefore the only possibility of hooking up. hes away from the girl he likes, and hes not even close with the girl he loves. hes spending 24 hours a day with me now so i seem pretty cool, but really its just a lack of options. in the end we’ll return to normal and it will all be over, correct? correct. but i still cant help but blush when he says in all seriousness that i look really pretty in my church dress. or when he picks me up and throws me in the lake. or when we go hedgehog hunting. or when he runs his fingers through my hair. or when he says i look good even when my hair is dumb and all curely. or when the he whispers nothing in particular, just cuz he likes to whisper. or when he hints to random things. or when i tell him things and he tells me he doesnt think im a bad person and i actaully believe him. or when the guys give him a hard time about always being around me. or when he says my small teeth make my smile cute. or when he pays for little things when he doesnt have to. or how helps me through the castle ruins. or how he remembers the little things that ive said. or how he remembers what i like. or how he always has one of those really good candies in his pocket and gives it to me, even if its his last one. or the way he got me to try a type of tea and it actaully turned out to be good, then since i liked it he let me keep the rest of it. or how when he plays the drums he’ll catch my eye and just give a little eyebrow lift/smile/wink/air kiss. or when he asked me to kiss his nose when he hurt it. or how he kissed my nose after i hurt it. or how he has this obsession with staring directly into your eyes. or. or. or.
goddamn if this doesnt stop ill end up blushing myself to death!!
but muahahahhha, i have learned from past mistakes, i have analyzied my situation and i know that this trip is the only time im ever gonna have with him, back in the states its all gonna change. hence half the reason i dont want to go back.
asdl;fkjdaslkjgalskdjfklasdjflkasdjf;ls
the awfulness that ever encompasses my life. so like i said, we talked for around two hours last night. a lot about sarah and his ex gf pam, and a lot about chris. and then just random things. it went back and forth soo much. at one point hed say something like its like having one girl you love, one girl you like and wanna be with, then if that wasnt enough you find someone completely random and it changes again. hed say stuff really evasively like how i was the only girl he was actaully making an effort to flirt with. and how he doesnt like offical coming togethers, he likes it when things just happen. but then somehow he worked in but didnt actaully say it bluntly (how i dont know) that he didnt want me to get my hopes up. when i type that it makes him sound really egotistical to think that he had some effect on my hopes, (i never really gave a definite answer at all about how i felt about him, im slick like that). but it wasnt all egotistical the way he said it. i dont remember how, i think we were talking hypotheticals. either way, blah, i was so happy to come here to leave all my problems in america. guess latvia has its problems too (or mine are just super problems that can fly over seas and follow me). when i got back lots of looks… then maddison came up to me and said these exact words “i dont think it was a good idea to be talking to him like that” she woudlnt really give me a straight answer why. in the end i was just like, um… okay… thanks?
then today emily said i should be a lot more careful cuz ppl were talking. whats bad about this is i feel no incentive whatsoever to be careful, i really dont give a damn what anyonet thinks. lots of ppl say they dont care what ppl think, but i truely dont give a rats ass. let them think somethign will happen, im just a little tired of feeling anger towards me. its not my fault damnit. plus, if everyone just used their tiny brains they would see this is going no where. just look at the girls he goes for, briana ward and sarah g. theyre some of the prettiest girls ive ever seen upclose. so why the hell should anyone care if he gives me a second look. cant they see its a lack of options??? grrrrrr. their sheer stupidity angers me to no end.
but im good, as long as i keep my head, i wont get hopes up and i’ll be peachy keen. there is no way im gonna get hung up on someone again. first off, i finally with the coming of this trip stopped caring about chris, and secondly, emily never seemed to be very happy with being hung up on justin so i have no real desire to do the same.
gosh this email makes me sound obsessed, but in all seriousness, im keeping myself in check. with no sense of modesty just full out honesty its like that song by tal bachman, “shes so high above me” except in my verision i say “he” insted of “she”
i like the part where is says
“but still i cant think that anything will happen, cuz (s)hes so high above me, why should i even bother?”
the answer to that lyric.. i shouldnt. im not gonna bother. end story.
okay, i this is forever and a half and selfishly all about me. but i cant talk to emily about any of this, its weird. sighs, pfft. sorry about leaving spain. youre the only part of america im looking forward too!!!
mucho amor
ashley”
okay so just for fun, lets recall first impressions
the kid came to school in 8th grade, i can stilll remember exactly where i was standing, where he was standing, even what he was wearing. now this should not lead anyone to believe i saw him as noteworthy in the least, had nothign ever happened between us this information would still be stored up in the back of my head just unnoticed. i love how havign a photographic memory allows you to pull up random nonsense that conciously you forgot but subconciously you stored on people… anyways. its good ‘ole anthem elementary and its morning. sometime toward the end of the school year. im standing where the overhang blue thing is now, hes more directly in front of the swing set (but outside the gate by a bit) and of course were all taking notice cuz hes the new kid. (i suddenly remeber having PE with him, yay photographic memory) and well, first impressions may not be the most accurate but they sure are the funniest in this case.
as i recall (though i could be off) he struck me as kinda lanky, wearing all black, with the exception of course of his pink suspenders, i remember those very clearly, and of course, the best part…. his big, poofy, jew afro. made him look like ozzy oz borns kid, whatever his name is. fun stuff. i remember him hugging jarred landrum. from story, he apparently did it because someone told him that jarred was the toughest kid in school and not to mess with him; for fun, what better idea than to hug the guy?
okay so thats the first impression. then i go to oconnor in a few months and completely forget he exsists.
then comes the fun day when emily tells me she has a crush on this guy named justin. and im like, okay, fine. then she tells me at a party he licked her cleavage, and im like, that man whore! wtf, i hate his guts, youre too good for that emily.
so i hate this “justin kid” whoever he is. then i learn its justin with the from 8th grade, emily didnt see him cuz she was in new york at the time. my reaction, extreem laughter, he just wasnt my type and the idea was quite comical. but after comical, i now had a face to go along with the name i detested so. sophomore year i see him around once or twice, he would hug emily, i would fume silently. i was quite the ugly thing which is perhaps why he doesnt ever remember seeing me; now its dumb, but i’ll at least admit it. i remember once he hugged emily then me and kal were right behind her, he looks at me and kal. looks back at kal, smiles, shakes her hand, then leaves. im not jealous, i didnt want his attention at the time after all, but it peeved me like it always did to see shallow people give their attention to kalyn and ignore me. i know shes way prettier, it doesnt bother me, it just bothered me that she was always given more chances with guys than i was; despite the fact that i thought i was a better and more enjoyable person. so as always i dislike him slightly more as i would any guy because they showed shallow interest in kalyn.
well around rollls junior year, agian hes been displaced from my mind completely. emily doesnt talk about him, i assume the crush died, life is peachy keen. then around, oh i dunno, maybe christmas or so. emily begins talking about him, i dislike him again. she says they talk a lot online, he talks a lot about his exgf and how he stilll loves her; she tells me a lot about him (hence why i knew a good deal about him before he even realized i lived on the same planet ((hows that for cliche?))) she tells me hes not a virgin, she says the girl who “stole his virginity” broke his heart. what do i think in my mind? “yeah right, ’stole’, there is no stealing in sex unless its rape, you decide either way, no peer pressure, you do because a part of you wants too, maybe you were tricked or fooled or lied to, but the fact is you want it with the person you think youre with. so ’stolen’ i think not…”
yup i had little to no sympathy. she told me how he tried kissing her after they broke up, i was slightly sympathetic about that, only a guy who still really cared about the girl would possibiliy humiliate himself by kissing her. now i gave it little thought, but still a little is more than nothing. i remember wondering why he would date her. despite what i knew of him, something about him struck me as slightly deep. i want to say it was the music he listened to, you can tell a lot about the music some listens to and thats what made me wonder if there wasnt more to him. but see, the way emily made pam out to be, she was apparently ditzy, shallow, in my imagination one of those rather popular girls whos use to getting what she wants. now this struck me as odd, i decided, despite my hatered, that justin was probably one of the more popular and, yes, even attractive fellows at good ole bchs, so what was she hoping to find? he was the best, if thats what your into…
junior year kept rolling, my dislike ebbed to some degree, afterall, eighth grade was a long time ago, emily said he turned his life around when he became a christian, im all for second chances. but then i started to dislike him for other reasons; my good friend, hell, my best firend liked him and i thought he was leading her on. i have different perspecitve now on that whole ordeal, but whateva. i remember going to church once and for the first time actually being attracted to him. i could give it to you before that he was a relatively decent male, but for me personally? well, just not my type…
that was intil i saw him play the drums. i dunno, i guess i kinda liked the far off look on his face. he didnt look at the drums, hell, he didnt even look like he was still there. remember my entry on beauty? when you catch a glimpse at something there you had never noticed before? well this wasnt that. i didnt see straight to his soul or anything astounding like that, but i saw a whole lot more than i had ever seen before. a depth i had never given credit to him before. after that i could admit, yes, justin lucio was quite the fellow.
cometh the time of sadi hawkins, i thought it pointless for emily to ask him out, but whatcha gonna do? she does, a painfully akward situation, but im there, i endure it, there for moral support. he shook my hand. i was glad he said yes. sad to hear him change his mind, i honestly wanted her to be happy; see he was cute, but nothing else to me. infact i was back to disliking him becasue she was sad.
so i forget about him for a while, only a month or so now.
see him at youth groups once, hes hitting on ian, ive think that ian is very cute, lol, so im jealous. again, hes displaced form my mind entirely.
i hear white noise, really background noise, from emily, justin likes braina ward, briana is so pretty. he asked her to prom with cookies ((aw thats cute is my reaction)), briana doesnt like him, i dont like him either, i dont know how i ever did, hes so shallow ((sure you dont… on my part)), so it didnt work between him and briana, i think he likes sarah g, he kissed sarah g, hes disapointed shes not a good christian, she said she just wanted to be his friend.
okay somewhere in this white noise i realize hes going to latvia,yeah it took a while to catch on, my reaction? “pfft, greaaaaat”
then comes madisons bday party. he’ll prolly not remmeber it, mainly cuz it was a terribly short converstaiton, but it was the first time i ever actaully talked to him, to him directly, not just heard thigns from emily. we talked about latvia his reaciton “oh youre going?” me “uh…yeah…” apparently his dentist might pay for the whole plane ticket. but it was easy casual converstation and i decide that yay, if worse comes to worst i can at least keep up casual converstation on this trip with someone aside from emily. which makes him go up tons of points in my book, it fair to even say i dont hate him anymore, just a note of dislike.
so then comes the garge sale, again i doubt he recalls my presense, but i was there, and said little to nothing and am unimpressed with him on a whole. not to say i was disapointed in him, he just doesnt strike me as note worthy. until that is we get into the kitchen and whoever lives there leaves. he looks around
“i didnt wanna say anything when she was in here”
*looks around room that is greatly decorated in roosters*
“but they sure do like cock…”
from this small, crude attempt at humor; i decide he is a pretty cool guy and i might even enjoy him going on this trip, despite myself, i no longer even dislike him; hell, i even find him comical.
then starts the trip. i dont notice him at all the first few days of travel; infact, lol, i was slightly interested in (dundundun) adam. funny right? first time i come into contact with him? well first its mark, im walking, small hallway right? im walking, yay, marks coming down the hallway and has to stop dead center and just look at me. im still akward feeling around these people so its like um… er…move? doesnt budge, so i move to the right, then the left, dodge right one more time an go through the small gap. then (dun dun dun) justin is behind him and does the same. inward sigh on my part, i dont wanna go through this agian, i dont know you ppl just let me walk, i feel dumb enough as it is. i think i adopt a whiny girl attitude, when it doubt it always serves well, and end up hitting him on the chest sayin something like, “ehhhh mooooooooove” and he moves. first time of actaul contact probably, minus the hand shake.
i dont talk to him really again after that. then we arrive in latvia, yay. he aims a water balloon for emily, hits me in the head, bounces off, dazes me. jon splashes me with a ton of water, i look ridiculous now of course. he comes up and is like, youre soo lucky that didnt break. i remeber trying to hit him with a water balloon cuz emily told me too and i missed. i hadnt realized it was him though before,
**flash back, i remember him flirting slightly with hailey while in riga and me being slightly perturbed, supposedly just for emilys sake, but i wonder now if it wasnt subconcious jealousy.**
so he shakes my hand, and of course he has to do the first thing that gives you that little feeling in your stomach. it can be caused by a simple look, smile, something said, or in this case, the best hand shake youve ever gotten. lol, its just weird to type that…. anyways, he shakes your hand but of course since hes justin lucio(said in that stupid voice), he had to take his index finger and rub it up and down your palm…
whatever i dont recall talking to him the rest of the day. its been very detailed to this point, but im sure tons of details are gonna be obscured since everythign in latvia sorta blurrs into one after this point.
*wracking my mind*
*okay im actaully watching family guy*
i think i’ll continue this later, i hope i dont forget
*ashley returneth*
so after the first day. what is there to recall… lol, a funny observation. so i know emily likes justin and becca knows that sarah likes justin. were sitting there playing the lovely drip drip drop game and dun dun dun justin gets the bucket of water. i think to myself, ahaha, hes gonna poor it on emily; i think this cuz he was giving her a hard time about it earlier and plus i want to think that there is the vague possibity they might hook up from this trip. becca looks at me, “i bet hes gonna dump it on sarah” my response as im looking out for my good frined i say, with an edge of defensiveness that would be impossible to pick up on, “i dunno, im putting my money on emily”
who gets the water?
hailey. which only confirms what i thought before. he was gonna drop the water on someone he was at least semi-intereseted in/attracted to. hence why me and becca both predicted/half hoped he would poor it on our best friend. but it was hailey. theres that slight hint of jealousy again. hailey is incredibly cute, really shes so adorable. and easy to talk to and get along with.
okay the crux of the story. so one of the times at the lake, were again playing drip drip drop, justin is inbetween me and emily. were talking vaguely. he says something about if he gets the bucket im gonna be the one he poors it on. i chuckle and say somethign about what if i get it first. blah blah blah. he gets the bucket of water. now this is crucial, recall whom he poored the water on the time before and what implications were wrought form such… hes coming closer with the water, and yes, i admit to vaguely hoping that he poors it on me.
yay, he poors it on me! granted im now soaking wet and screaming with tons of latvian kids laughing at me but hell its sooooo worth it! i think i hit him on chest as he runs by. well my competitive attitude kicked in slighty and im sure he wasnt really trying all that hard but i run around the circle faster and get back in my seat before he does, meaning what exactly? why, he gets to go again… again he comes around with that water bucket, he looms over me, okay now this is really crucial, one time could be a fluke, but twice, twice?? i think not… and he poors it all over me again! this time he makes it back first, i get teh water, i repay the favor of his splashings with my own bucket of water, this could have proceeded for who knows how long but i heard janet yelling vaguely that we should be mature and include everybody, which is true of course, i just got caught up in it.
fun times.
okay as a time line, constructed to the best of my memory, i dont think i flirted at all with him before i went to the bike racks that one night, must have been within the first couple days. i wish i could remember exactly. i remeber emily would talk to him every once in a while or vice versa and i was always right there becuase i was connected to emilys hip for the first week or so becuase i didnt know anybody. so i was there, mostly them talking and me adding a few tidbits. but hes learned my name at least by now. yay! okay so ive talked to him vaugely, hes hanging around me and emily more, i think nothign of it either way. i remember the drama with sarah and i was vaguely wondering (in vague dismay) could this go somewhere between the two of them!?! yeah, i was a little worried. but it didnt, inward sigh of relief. well the first times i think we flirted, to the best of my recollection. were split up into teams, pfft, im team yellow, hes team blue. yes, ill admit i checked to see what team he was on and was let down when it was blue not yellow. but then, aslksdflkjasdjg;lkas, he offeres to switch over sides when they ask someone to leave the blue team and, yup, he joins the yellow team :):):)
i can hear that nazi alyssa asking for the last yellow band cuz she just joined the team where i quickly result to grabbing it from sarah who was holding them, handing it to justin. where he fumbles with it for a moment then asks me to put it on him :), alyssa comes by, “i was looking for that!” me- “oh, im sorry, i think its the last one…” inwardly? “suckaaaaa”
were on the team, talking about how to get the kids across the cement for that is the objective of the game, using only these little disks and not allowed to walk on the ground. there some vague arguing about how were gonna do it. justin gets tired of this. so the only logical thing to do? why of course, pick me up in the classic fireman carry then grab anothin little latvian girl around the waste and carry across the pavement. wow, theres that feeling in the stomach again, only yeah, a lot stonger
something about being grabbed and slung over someones shoulders is very hot.
okay the rest of that game is fun. i find a clever way to get everyone across on the second half using pony-tails, he tells me he thinks im clever, im happy at this.
then we go to the lake. wait, heres where details are getting obscured, i cant remember exactly how the first time at the lake went down. i have vauge images but cnat distinct between seperate times. i think the frist time was all go in willingly, its bloody cold. its me him emily and sarah. keep in mind im looking out for him, but its not considered an actaul crush yet. i only think of him when hes present, its nothign like what sarah and emily got going on for him. but he teaches me how to float, i mean he really does! ppl have been trying to tell me for years and he said the crucial thing, let your neck relax and dont try and keep it above the water and yay you can float! i was completely enthralled at being able to do this. at the height of my extacy at being able to float and doing it, he leans in close then pushes my stomach below the water so i go completely under, the bastard. but fun times. now the time i remeber more clearly, and i think it was the second time in the lake, im looking around for him yes, its fun to see him in just a swim suit, okay. but in a slight disapointment, i dont see him, whatever thoguh, theyre are still cool ppl around. me and emily join mark and madison in the water. yay! im just talking. ive been wanting a chance to get to know mark for a while, he just seems like such a cool guy. fun stuff quite ranomdly mark comes up behind me when i turn to talk to madison, gets me in a huge bear hug and crashes me to the water. then as i come up, sputtering and such, looking around and probably yelling, i get my cool again. and am about to turn around to walk back up to the shore when i yay i see justin running at me, i have the chance to yell “No dont, mark already got me wet!” when bam, this time tackeled into the water. fun times. i get up, yelling again this time and attempt at getting him in the water, horrible attempts, im terribly weak you see so he runs up to the shore. i run after him, im running as fast as i can, that competitive nature again, and im sure hes not trying all that hard to get away, well i catch up to him, attempt to march him back to the lake, unsuccessful. so i give him a big wet hug, he says something like “if you wanted to hug me you should have just asked” now i remember one time sarah hinting that she wanted him to sit at her table at breakfast by saying “you always sit at the same place, switch it up” and him responding “if you wanted me to sit with you, just ask” which was a bad thing that he said the same thing to me cuz he had no interest in sarah, meaning the same could go for me. i brush it off saying, “pfft dont flatter yourself, youre getting wet” he does oblige me enough to walk back down to the lake where once again, surpirse surprise, i end up in the water again :). fun times.
oh, yay, random flahsback. the first time i talked to him in latvia really on my own was at church. i was talking about mikes, me, val, and madison talking for an hour to sarah and hes like “whatever, it was only 45 minutes” and we argued playfully about that for a while. then sarah talked about her grandparents and he soon left.
so less details form now on since this is gonna turn out to be my longest blog entry EVER.
i remeber going to the store once with him and zach zettle, a bit of an effort to keep up converstation, not cuz justin was there, but bc zach was. i was already more comfortable with justin than zach. but we get there, get ice cream. he points out the amazing draakon candies buys some and some of that tea. gets me to eat his ice cream, candy and hold off on the tea. we get back and this is the first real one on one semi-in-depth more background convesration we have for at least an hour or more. were heading up to the rooms and we get infront of his i go to put my stuff down and he just sits on the little table thing. im going to go back down and he invites me to sit. emily now is gone to her take an american to dinner thing, so im all on my own. we talked a lot, no silences at all to my memory, which is good, ihate them. talk a lot about whats going on with him and pam, ranodm things i cant remember, at one point i try the tea and damn, it really was good! fun stuff, at one point valerie comes up and sits on the table like shes gonna join in on the converstaion. which i had no problem with, it was fun to talk to him alone but wahteva. only, its hard to jump into this one cuz its all about his past and what not. so she sits, were not sure how to continue. lol, so justin looks at her and plainly says, were kind of having a converstion here (or somethign to that effect naturely). i dunno, its nice to know someone has given you there undivided attention. we talk for a good while more and only stop when worship is about to begin.
later that night, no, actaully, i think it was the next day, he still had about a 1/4 of the bottle of tea left and offered it to me, i drank it all and it was mighty fine. just somethign small and nice that most wouldnt do makes all the difference.
okay, really from now on, less details, i promise. i remember going to the store with him and chino, i love chino for the fact that i feel completely comfortable around him and could easily be myself. you can always be yourself around someone when every couple minutes they shout “GERNADE!” *cue fart*
so fun times there.
oh i should mention the stairs. every time i was on the stairs id secretly hope that id see justin on them too becasue that ment inevitable one of us would have to “win” meaning we both have to fight each other for passage up or down the stairs. meaning often times i would be lifted in the air, or we just try and shove each other out of the way, but either way, always a ton of fun. i remember at the top of the stairs a lot of times he would come uop and just run his fingers through mty hair, i love when people do that. i took my own advice and did it back to him.
haha, everyone called me a slut for that idea, but i knew it was gold
okay im back from a long lapse, i’ll never finish this if i keep trying to remeber every detail
but i wannnnt to!
damnit
school starts tomorrow. i dont know why im doing this, its prolly not even gonna last for long! alds;jfkasjdg;kljdslkfj
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haha so im restarting to blog agian, feeling more optomistic, but still need to write less…
okay so i havent even hit the important part. so one day after hedge hog hunting me and him are gonna go return the hedge hog. and we do, hes the cutest little thign ever and scurries off. well then were walking back and i think he says somethign off hand like “guys keep talking” cue my obvious question of “what about” cue his evaisive, “ah nothing” cue my persistance. so he stops and is like you really wanna know? so we sit down and he begins with telling me how jon was talking about how we use to date in 6th grade, which inevitably makes us both laugh, wow what weird times those were. then somehow it sneakly turns into how much time weve been spending together. how he sorta has been flirting with me. now im stilll under the strong belief that he in no way feels anythign for me. the fact that he would even mention this is completely surprsing, but then it hits me… i get it, since other ppl have mentioned it hes afraid i might think along the same lines and feel lead on. pfft, have no fear. so i tell him “pssh, dont worry about it, i didnt really know you before teh trip but i knew enough to know that your just being friendly like you would be with anyone new…. this isnt flirting, its just you being natural.” now here of course comes the real shocker “well ive only been flirting with you on this trip. well trying to flirt with anyways”
“oh really?”
fill in the rest of the convo in your head, heres a few direct quotes i want to always remember
“its like theres the girl i love, the girl i like, and then i meet somebody totally random and it all changes again”
ive gone over this all mostly before. i remember jon coming out and elina talkign to us for a bit. jon was fine with it. i remember becca throwing water bottles at us. the tourist guy looking for a hotel. when we couldnt hear what he was saying i stood up to go closer and i tthought it was awful sweet that justin was looking out for me and told me not to get too close. by the end of that night, i was teh most confused id ever been. but i kinda liked it.
before this just during our flirtatious or maybe just friendly stage i remember jordynn beign the first to say anythign about it. shed be like “he likes you, i know he does” but i genuinely didnt believe her. then the second time was from madison. its funny cuz it was like esp. she hardly talks to me but in the bathroom she had said a few things and i was like, huh this is new. subconciously im wondering, hmmm, why? then in a very adopted tone she says “so ashley…” before she can finsih i know its gonna be about justin “…whats going on with you and justin?” “were just friends, you know hes like this with everyone. besides, the whole sarah thing” she gives me her reasoning on both pam and sarah, i wonder vaguely if maybet there is a chance. but its sorta nice, she even offers to do my hair so it doesnt look so retarded.
i remember realizing vaguely that i did like him for the fact that i became very intuned to whether i thought he did or did not like me. one day id think it was a possibility, the next i would say that was crazy and to not get attached, afterall ive learned many a lesson in the past. i was always happier when i thought he might like me and always slightly let down when i figured he didnt.
fun memory time
ahahaha, the time im in my room right. after lunch. two kids come, “are you ashley” “uh, yeah…why?” they need you at the cafeteria. mentally im thinking great, im late for enlgish class or soemting! so i rush down the kids are ahead of me i run up the little steps and theres hailey soaked, jon and justin. so i ask whats going on. when i have water balloons pelted at me feet. but apparently im lucky the big one they were gonna use on me they used on hailey cuz she was in the worng place at the wrong time. but no fear. ini the end justin gets me on the ground and manages to keep me still till jon can throw a balloon on me. im not gonna lie, the idea that he had me specially called down just for that could keep my smiling for a week.
then i remember times when it seemed i couldnt catch his attention at all or where hed sit next to someone else after worship despite my sad attempts at sitting next to an open seat (which was dangerous as alexanders could always come up and sit next to you…) or hed flirt with hailey/jordynn. these were the times when i said, hell no he doesnt like me, DUH.
(((((oh dear god, feminazi)))))
