yeah so latvia, ashley returneth.
so monumental trip. grew closer to God and all that jazz, more on that later.
most pressing though, or worthy of blogging since i really only use this blog to whine about the terrible circumstnaces that of course, ever prevade my life, a certain mr. Justin S. Lucio
goddamn him, i hate him more than i use to. mainly for the fact that i have no reason to hate him and hes more or less perfect and he and i are both incredibnly stupid, more him so than myself. see im smart enough to realize that this idea of me and him going out is absolutely ridiculous. sadly, he will soon come to realize that this is a dumb idea and it will end. but he doesnt know just yet that this is going to happen hence why he is stupid. I myself am stupid for the fact that i must be holding on to some obsurd, dangling fragmnet of a shred of hope. why, i dont know. im fairly intellingent; i fully grasp the knowledge that this is infact never gonna amount to anything, which of course is why i am not getting too attached. why cant everyone see it as i see it? damnit, i kinda wish i hadnt told anyone about it. i hate going back and being like, yeah, it didnt work out, i really shoulda seen it coming since its me, but once again, i was fooled, arent i the clever one?
let me tell you how this plays out in the theatrical version of my life. hes confused, he likes a girl, she doesnt feel teh same way (at least at the moment, thats subject to change) and hes in love (and a part of him always will be) with his exgirlfriend and he realizes that he will never get her back. so hes alone, confused, and has no where else to turn. then… DUH-DUH-DUH-DUN-DUN-DUN!! enter myself. he sees me, takes comfort, is fooled into thinking he cares about me. now the obvious question is, actaully, its more like an observation. see, we should all be observing the fact that even in time of crisis and desperation i still am not all that appealing of a person. plenty of more promising prospects you might say. but ah-ha, we all forget we were in latvia at the time. see, he knew everyone on the trip, literally no one for him to hook up with save myself and maybe hailey or jordynn. and just as could be guessed, he did flirt with jordynn and hailey too, to some extent. but for reasons which are unclear to me, he chooses me to do his hardcore flirting with yours truely. okay, fine and dandy. whatever. now here is where everyones IQ goes down a few points. everyone, and i mean everyone, should be able to guess that this will of course go away once were back from latvia, its only common sense. seriously. its all going to change. what was in latvia stayed in latvia, you cant just move a fling across countries, continents, bloody hemispheres! you cant just migrate flings! its unheard of! s;lkjafljasl;kdjg;lsdfkjg. hes come home, inevitable gotten on myspace, checked out sarahs page, remembers just how b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l she is and all the fun times they had together. you know what that makes me look like? ahaha, trick question, its doesnt make me look like anything at all because i will have been completely displaced from his mind!! yup. but im pretty okay with that. i almost wish nothign had happened over in latvia just so i could avoid the painful moment when he tries to undo the damage wreaked when you turn to your last option in a foreign country. Its not so much that im gonna be terribly hurt (remember i foresaw this thus i did not let myself get too attached) but i see it being rather akward and uncomfortable inaddition, i was dumb enough to tell people meaning i’ll have to tell them when it falls apart. urgh, more sympathetic/so called ‘comforting’ looks which really only make me wanna gag. blah, why was i stupid enough to even allow this a sliver of hope into any of this. why in gods name did i tell him i want this to go somewhere. i should have just lied. i should have started lying right when i wisened up to what was going on and told him we should just be friends. blah. i hate playing janitor and cleaning my life’s mess. saturday im going on my first double date
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at least mark is gonna be there, i love that guy, he makes me feel comfortable. i dont really know val, but shes nice enough.
this whole not getting attached to Justin would be so much easier if he wasnt so damned cute. ay ay ay, physically, i believe the term is “perfect specimen”. why does he have to be so tan, toned, dark hair, dark eyes. damn him, he even smells good. i believe it now that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory.
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i cant do this on saturday, im gonna freak out. this isnt gonna work! why do i keep hoping that it does?!?!?!?!
screw it, im tired of this jet lag and im tired of stressing over ridiculous things. pffft. if it doesnt work, fine. if it does, well it wont, but if it should for some reason that defies all reason, i’ll be insanely surprised but pleasantly surprised nonetheless.
tomorrow is gonna be salkjfalksjflksjdgfa
ashley
