On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

OoooooooooOoooooooooooOoooOoooOoooooooOooOooooooooOoooooooooOooooooooooooooooooooo

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can’t I?
Some day I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?

OoooooooooOoooooooooooOoooOoooOoooooooOooOooooooooOoooooooooOoooooooooooo ooh-ah-ah-oh-ah-ah

yeah so this song has been running through my head

remember when i had that feeling that i was being watched everywhere? that feeling ever prevades. hell, i even censor things i wanna say here cuz i feel the eyes. watchign tv i just learned there are programs that can email all IM conversations to your parents. can you say, freaky as hell? or waht about those other programs that record all the keystrokes? then they could read this. all the stuff i write in IM convos and in ALL my emails. whoa. so from now on ive decided anything i dont want known does not go into type. its just said verbally. lol, i dont wanna use my house phone b/c i get the feeling my parents might pick up the other line and just listen. and then i dont wanna use my cell phone because while this is crazy i have the terrrible fear that they could have a tap on my phone if they wanted and it would give a lovely print out of everythign that i say. its not that i say bad things its just creepy. plus i have a lot of weird inside jokes with my frineds that they wouldnt get and they would think i was a sick freak. plus i dunno, not all my friends are exemplemary ppl and they have secrets they share that they deff wouldnt want my parents knowing. ie kal goign down on her bf. granted i told my parents taht outta sheer hilariousness, but still.

 so yeah. yuck. i really want some freedom. ooooooh the freedom. maybe thats why i have that recent obsession with the somewhere over the rainbow song. its corney i know, but when i listen to it i get this feeling that someday i will go over the rainbow. where dreams come true and blue birds fly oh how high.

oh why, why cant i?

wonder tells the jounrey trying to get up andover the rainbow on the greyhound bus but once i get there. (house) im gonna sing “somewhere over the rainbow” and im not goign to ask myself oh why, why cant I? because i will have.

yuck. just when i think about a future that lol, well, has a future i see some stupid ass corney movie lines taht ruin it for me. they guy told her she was beautiful. but in a way differently then anyone else.

it occured to me taht no one has ever called me beautiful in a way that is different than everyone else. chris i believe told me i was beautiful. but he just said it to be with me, i dont believe he meant it at all. infact i think it has to hit someone, you say it to yourselves at first, under your breath. see you get a glimpse of the person that you hadnt seen before and it hits you, wow, theyre beautiful. its not that they look any different than usual its just for that one moment theyve let down theyre gaurd and you can see straight to their soul. i think everyone keeps the most important part of themselves secret. you dont let people stare straight into your soul. not only that but you rarely stare into someoen elses soul because they might see into yours. its the fact that the soul has no natural defense. its becasue of this that you have to keep it secret and locked inside. but sometimes you let your gaurd down and someone sees it. usually the only reason you let your gaurd down was becsuae you were with them. you didnt know it yet but you completely trusted them and would never imagine them hurting you. when everyone else makes you anxious you feel safe in their gaze. when everywhere else is dark and cold you know that there nothing will ever hurt you. once you find someone who is truely beautiful you’ll hold onto them for as long as they let you. in the end whether your with them or whether they leave you, you’ll still think of them when you see beauty in the world. their face is the sunset and the rise, the moon and the stars. it simply is. that is beauty.

i dont know eactly where that came from, but reading it over again, i think its true. i love when i write something genuine. its so rare that people are geniune. but luckily thats one of the things that i think i am. see, every once in a while i try and find which traits i am. im not honest. lol, in all honesty, im really not honest; i lie too much. i use to tell the truth, but i find i cant trust ppl. you tell them the truth and they betray that, so i just lie now. good thing is is that im not dishonest with everyone. when i find someone i can truely trust, then im honest. there use to be someone i could trust. three guesses who, but now im just plain old dishonest again. worse than before i think. but c’est la vie.

but i honestly (lol) think that i am genuine. i wont tell you something that i dont honestly believe. no i take that back. if your important to me, i wont tell you soemting i dont believe. if your someone who in my mind is not important then i’ll tell you whatever it is you want to hear. im terrible like that.

ooooh, thats somethign else i am for sure, i am self aware. im a terrible person, but at least i know it. thats important im sure. 

sometihng else, i truely love life. it sorta scares me that for near two and half months i stopped loving life. but at least those times are over. i really missed the feeling. i more than pity people who dont get excited when they look out on the world. thats the feeling, excitement. so much that you start smiling for no reason. you wake up early just to see what early looks like! you cant wait to see everything because suddenyl everything is worth seeing. how i ever lost that and managed to live i dont know. for a long time there i couldnt place just exactly what it was that had changed. but once i got my love for life back it all made perfect sense. i really hope i dont lose it again.

well ive written for quite a while, and i think im just rambling.  i’ll preoccupy myself with someting else for the moment.

adios muchachos

 shlee

so this is the first blog ive ever post that isnt uh…inspired (Cuz thats the word i was looking for…) by chris. and thus far this one sounds most like me than any other. odd how those things work out….

*reflective moment*

and on we go!

okay so latvia… yikes. im leaving in ONE WEEK. and yeah, im freaking nervous. i dont really know these people! three weeks outta the states!

*mouth waters at the idea*

 im gettign me some good tunes right now. i really dislike this justin character, mainly because he seems like the type of boy id go for. it seems like it would be easy to be myself around him once i got to know him. too bad hes a man whore. not only that  but he likes sarah g (why the hell would anyone ever do that to themselves?) and emily might like him still. meaning, not a shot in heaven for me and even if there was, no way id ever hurt emily like that.

okay good music

just like the rain

mmmmm, the rain. i hope to god it rains over there. i need a really good rainy day.

GOKJSHGDSLJGKH IM GOING TO LATVIA!!!

sorry, im just still psyched about it.

i really dont know what to write about. no lamenations or observations on life today.

ahahaha, just hte opposite. so i had to pick up dry cleaning today, and i was wearing an old pair of underwear, a thong to be percise. well, i when i got outta the car i must stood up to fast cuz the bottom broke. and i had to walk up into the store very cognizant of the fact that if i swayed around too much you see the little pink dangling string, and i stil dunno if it was visible from behind. wonder what the guy woulda thought if he saw it…

anyways.

going to latvia. wowowwoowowowowo. latvia. thats so far. im really lookgin forward to it all! wowow, i jsust can wait! going to california this week. a little annoyed, but itll keep my mind of latvia so tahts good. wowow.

OOOH, i did my board! my picture board! still need to do some, but most of it is DONE! yayayayyaya.

okay, yeah, well thats it

shlee

qotd~”look, over there- a woman learning!!!!”

this is the end all my beautiful firends, the end.

 i think the drama between chris and myself has finally come to a close. we decided to not talk for three weeks. about a week into this i had to see him to return a dvd, our five minute encounter was rocky. i could tell he didnt want me to be there. im good at picking up not so subtle hints. i know when im not wanted. he sseemed pissed as hell, he said i seemed pissed as hell, in the end we just left.

they say its impossible to pick up the strands of an old life. but i dont think it is. i dont want to be over dramatic, but i changed a lot, not b/c of chris, but when i was getting to know him, i was also beign a diff person than i use to be. more myself. it felt really good. i think thats waht i was most upset about losing, the ability to be that person. but with chris gone its finally gone too. i get to go back to the way i use to be.

how do i know i can still go back to that. i read balzac and the little chinese seamtress today. i didnt want to come up here just to blog. thats how i know. its hard but im dealnig wtih it. its like i was born blind, but i didnt realize how beautiful the world could be so i didnt mind being blind. but then one day by miracle i was could see!! and i saw all the pretty colors and loved the beauty of everything. then one day, before i barely had time to absorb it all, someone stole my sight away again and i was left in darkness. only this time, i know how much better it could have been. its hard to know how much better the light is to the dark. easier to just live in dark your whole life. but better to have seen the colors at least once, juts so you can remember them and be happy, right? maybe? i dont know. i guess thats something you decide when you die.

lets see, whats called for? oh yes, ahem… *cue evil scientist laugh*

muahahhahhahahhhaha

“THE TRANSFORMATION IS COMPLETE”

connie managed to replace me in every aspect. what started out as a mission to keep him as a boyfriend turned into a struggle for friendship, thena losing battle for aquintance, then to an all out surrender of even knowing him. sighs, but i know this is for real this time. all other times when i started to think along these lines i cried, not this time. there just is ntohign left to do but accept defeat and try to get back to where i was before. maybe if they ever break up i can try and be his friend again. but who knows how long that will take? and maybe who knows, maybe he was just pissed to see me tonite and in the future after latvia he’ll wanna still hang out. but i really sense not. from an outsider lookign in he seemed happier this past week. and he seemed so labored when he was with me for a minimum of five minutes.

i cant articulate beyond my realization taht im blind how i feel right now. its like im making a slow transformation into my old self. that saddens me but defeat always saddens. i dont want to be all quiet again. the girl who just reads a lot. but thats what i was before, thats what kept me outta trouble. thats all i can rememeber to be now. sighs. defeat. not bitter. not stinging. just plain old roll over you win.

but i learned the lesson. ive been searching for somethign i should take away from this and i figured out what it is. if you have somethign good, its worth hanging onto. if for soem reason you lose it though, if youre upset wihtout it, its worth fighting for. fighting with all you have b/c even if you lose at least youll know you gave it your all.

i thoght for a while i had completely given into self pity after chris told me we should just be firends. i can see now that i had fought, not to my best ability, i could have given it much more. but i did fight a little, thats why i can surrender now.

lesson number 2: you can surrender and still live.

with surrender comes the acceptance i laughablly just couldnt accept before. i didnt want to surrender. but now that i have a strange passivity has over come me.

kinda like im aloud to go to sleep.

sadly, even a vanquished ppl still dream and wait for the day when they will be vindicated. perhaps i will still do that. but the battle is at least over. i suppose i can just sit and wait. good thing is that if in the end he never breaks up wtih connie or even if he does and he still just doesnt wanna be firends. well then by that time ill prolly have stopped caring and found a new cause. thats only being slightly optomistic, more realistic

i use to always be a realist.

still am

cogito ergo sum

-ashley roberts

qotd~”drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry just some good ole boys drinking whisky and wine singing this will be the day that i die…this will be the day that i die”

okay, so the walls are caving in on me and i feel like there are eyes watching me EVERYWHERE!!! arent those the thoughts of a mad man?? but im not crazy, im the only sane one! im not insane THE WORLD IS INSANE!!!

muahahhahahha

 oh no, im sane. too sane for my own liking. thats right. muahahahaha. serisouly. you dont even know. i hate this.

no one understands. or grasps. or realizes. or comprehends. or knowns fully the depth of my potential to simple L-E-A-V-E.

i want to leave i want to leave i want to leave i want to elave i want to leave. all work and no play makes jack a dul boy all work and no lay makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dully boy. i need to STOP living this SHERADE. everything i do i do for someone else. its all a game. and elaborate play. my world is a chess bored where somedays im the the king, directing my pawns forward, manipulating everyone for my own desire, only my own desire is to only ever sidestep the white king in my path.. and other days im a pawn, being twisted and turned and sacrificed for the good of the whole. i hate how everyhting is an act. ACT like yourself is an oxymoron, escept when applied to myself. my LIFE is a freaking ACT. i

ive been pretending for so long i feel as though ive lost sight of whatever it was that i was. i cant wait till i get better so i can say this is the way i use to be.

grey hound bus grey hound bus grey hound bus grey hound bus grey hound bus grey hound bus going annnnnnnywhere….

i need my mom to realize im too much like her to hold onto me like she does. its not that shes too controlling. she really isnt. she gives me tons of freedom and i love her for it. but i dont know. i cant even explain it. i just need to leave my house. i dont know. i just dont know.

i need to figure out myself again. it just feels so gone.

ashley?shlee?ashes?

ahh, i got it

-gone

qotd~”lost lost lost lost lost, im just as lost as you oh yeahhhhh what am i going to do?”

so so so so so so so so so so so… i kinda wanna smile when i type that. ah the circumstances that ever prevade my life. ahhhhhh so so so so so so so so so so so…. yeah. lets see. what is the word im looking for? um.. yes, i think its something like….

asdlfkjasdlkjf;laksdjf;laskdjf;lksadjflkajsdflkjdasflkjasdlkfjalksdjflkasdjfalksdjfalksdjfal;ksdjf;laksdjfl;kasdjfl;kasjdflk;ajsdlk

yes that seems about right.

so after being at girls state for a week i have returned. urgh. a jam packed week in more than one sense. someting quite randon. but i went to lunch with brie and her family. i absolutely adore her mother. shes one of the sweetest women ive ever met. shes soft spoken but not timid in the slightest sense. its like, she jubilant but slow to anger. i dunno, she was just really sweet. one of the things i thought was cool was how she got along with her husband. my own mother rarely displays public affection toward my dad, i never realized that when i grow up, i dont wanna be like that. but it was just so cute. in the resturant her mom would lean/lie in the crook of her dads arm and it was just really sweet. looking at them you thought to yourself, yup, they actaully love each other.

then i thought of my situation. my life consists of a person who only wants me physically. he wants me to make out with then he wants to go home and shower his girlfriend with love and adoration. w–t–f??

i want the world to know that i find it completely unfair that this should happen to me. my whole life i stuggle with guys finding my personality good enough to date, but lacking in the looks department. then when i finally meet a guy who is attracted to me… what happens?? My fucking personality isnt good enough!!!!! what the hell? no. what the fuck?

its just not fair. i feel like laughing at my misfortune. why? im not sure. i just do. huh. i wanna go to college. i wanna get on a grey hound bus. i wanna drive. then i wanna sail. till i get to tokyo. then i guess sail again tilll i get back to az. then have some terrible realization that everythign i ran away from is still right where i left it.

i thought of three settings that i love

cart corrals

train tracks

stairwells

just thought id share. hmm. ever have very vivid snipits of yourself in teh future? i do sometimes. and im always on a grey hound bus. near night, duskish time, but minus the sunset beacuse rain drops are smacking against hte window and its all cloudy and foggy outside. its chilly in the bus, they always put the air conditioning on too high. but ive got my favorite jacket of all time on. and the window is opened a crack to let in the smell of the rain. i let my head rest on the cold window and just stare out there. maybe my ipod is on, duncan shiek wonder no doubt. its the perfect setting. and i’ll stay like that till morning when i stretch and begin life somewhere else…

waiting is the wrost thing that anyone has ever invented.

good things? for a very long time i have just wished that it coulda have been a clean break and that we had just stopped talking on a whole. i have wished this and BAM my wish has been granted. we decided to stop talking for the next three weeks because he keeps wanting to start something even though he has a gf and likes her a lot. like i said above, he wants something purely physical with me but keep connie around so that he has a real gf that he cares about. w–t–f? okay, no, im not gonna let my mind boggle over this concept. obviously, im not down with this idea. i want more than that and no way in hell i would settle just to be the girl he wants to call up when hes horney. the bastard. but its a problem nonetheless. so hes like “maybe we shoud just not see each other for a while, like three weeks” and im kinda doing good with this so far. its makes it easier. i dont anticipate his calls and dont get let down when he doesnt call or get really excited when he does. i can focus on other things aside from him… like now,…. good thing hes not my focus… goddamnit…. oh well. so i havent talked to him in like two days. which is like a record for us. and im not terribly depressed nor an im exubrantly happy. im just meh. thing is. in two weeks i leave for latvia for three weeks. meaning, i really wont talk to him for five weeks. im considering, not sure if ill actaully do it though. but well, i like to go to one of the parks in our neighborhood a lot with a telescope to kinda do my own study of astronomy. nerdy as sin, but whateva. well, maybe the night before i leave ill ask him to come down and just talk to him for a bit, like we use to when we were just close friends. i miss those times. =/

then three weeks away from him in latvia.

im sorta afriad that by not talking to me, hes gonna forget about me and then connies replacement of me in his life will be complete *cue evil scientist laugh*

sighs, but thats how the story goes, doesnt it?

ashley

qotd~”watch me wave goodbye to yesterday, nothing left in my way, feels so good to say, im so faraway….”

not a good day. has any day been good lately?

what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. only, i dont feel any stronger. i feel so much weaker. so much more like id collapse at the first test of endurance.

 i just wish it had been a clean end. no strings left dangling. just sat. sever all ties. he called today. i know exactly why to. more of his subtle unsubtlies. sooo close too. id have gone out with him to get lunch. but, turns out the place he wanted to go out to wasnt open. i cant decide if im glad or unglad this happened. why couldnt it have been a clean break? why? i hate being alive. i dont believei wish death, only to no longer exsist. as if, well, if there was a way to detach myself from human emotions and no longer care. why cant i stop caring? why? why is it so hard? i use to wonder why it all happened. now i dont care. i dont care why or when or for whom. i have stopped quesionting the entropy of such events and have merely resigned myself to always prepare for the worst. i just want to know why it couldnt have ended cleanly? why couldnt we have stopped talking altogether? why cant i just NOT speak to him ever again. it kills me to do so now. but i live for his phone calls. what does that mean?

 i wish everything would stop reminding me of him. goddamn it. it drives me insane how literally any minute im not engaged in converstation with someoen or doing somethign TERRIBLY pressing, i am thinking about him. its the honest to God truth. if you ever see me just staring off into space… yeah, id bet 50 dolllars i was thinking of him. and whats even worse. if i do manage to get a thought in my head that is independent of him, what ALWAYS happens is that thought leads to a transition thought that leads to him. everything. i hate it. how can EVERYTHING in my life be tainted with him?  

 the whole escapade sickens me and i havent the slightest idea how to work to resolve such. i suppose thats waht makes me most angry. saddly, i will consent to the fact that this ordeal has changed me. and not in a good way. i no longer know. i use to know waht to do to make things better. now i havent the slightest idea. perpetual fog. perpetual fog while i wither away in the desert sun. ahhh, the irony.

i want so bad to just stop talking to him. i keep telling myself im just going to distance myself slowly from him. im gonna stop taking half his calls. and the other half talk for a minute then make up an excuse to go. he no longer uses aim so i can avoid him easily there. its so hard to committ yourself to something when you dont wanna do it. fck that. when half of you… fine the majority of you, is screaming for an alternative. but one thing i know. I KNOW this is the only thing to do. i just know it.

//sighs

ashley

qotd~”wake up the dawn and ask her why, she dreams a dream she never dies, wipe that tear away now from your eye.”

its not getting any better. and franky, that realization is doing very little to quell my onslaught of fear that it is never going to be any better.

i feel like a person who has a limp and instead of continuing with phyiscal therapy i am conceding to my own ineffectiveness and am resigning myself to life with a cane. like ive given up ever trying to fix the problem and am now just looking for ways to live with the illness. only thing is, this isnt living. this isnt survivng. this isnt dying. this is merely exsisting. what a terribly fate to befall man. goddamn me.

 i suppose i also feel like im living in a polly pocket world with a square base. do you remember those? a little pocket sized         clam-looking thing that was designed on the inside as a house. each room had a little circle cut out of it so that Polly Pocket could just sit in there with her little round base. and then of course you could buy the Polly Pocket boy, whose name now that i think of it couldnt have been polly pocket boy, it must have been like Pete Pocket or sometihng. and then little polly pocket babies and of course, what collection would be complete without polly pocket dog?? yes. well, they never actaully came out with a line of shlee polly pocket comic relief friends whose only purpose is to lighten moods and make people laugh. ((amazing, i know, youd think theyd have exploited that line of merchandise and played it up!!!) but if they had made shlee polly pockets i gaurantee that it would have had a square base. no matter where you tried to put her, she just wouldnt fit.

i suppose i also feel as if simillies are a bad idea right now.

huh. i just had a thought. this blog started b/c of chris. actaully, in all fairness, this blog started b/c cameron was like “you should start a blog” and i thoguht it a fun idea. well then i forgot it exsisted as the archives will clearly indicate. but then one day i found it. mischeviously realized i had never told anyone about it since i had forgotten it exsisted to begin with, and took the empty corner of cyber space as my own and filled it with junk. but what sorts of junk? the kind about chris. seeing as he is the real reason this blog is here, i suppose it will die if my infaturation with him dies. or is satisfied.

no

when it dies. such things are NOT to be satisfied and the sooner i convince myself of that, the better off ill be. what i was getting at before is though that once i can stop letting him be the axis in which my world turns (( a process i predict as slow and happening over much time)) i will no longer write here. it seems unfair that this blog should see the exposition between the two of us, then the risiing action, then (dun dun dun) the climax, and sadly the falling resolution. but never will it witness the conclusion. that seems rathre ominous in print but its true. if i can actaully stop caring about all this then i wont need to blog anymore. and therefore, the conclusion to this depressing chapter in my life will have no real place.

geh

i need to evaluate this. logically.

okay, logically, i believe that there is no such thing as one-sided love. i believe to love someone, they have to love you in return. if not, that powerful emotion you feel is not love but obsession. i furhter believe that i am above addiciton and tehrefore am also by association above obsession. its simply not in my personlity.

so thus, it only logically concludes that i cannot possibly “love” chris as that would consitute as obsession according to my own definition. obsession is below me. therefore, i do not love chris in any conventional sense.

yessss… ill keep telling myself that

fck. perception is reality. as long as it is perceived by all that i dont care about chris, it is reality. does that perception have to carry over to myself? can soemthign exsist as reality to all but one individual? whose reality is more real?

damn logic and all its many intricacies.

damn my dyslexia, its seems worse tonight than usual. i keep having ot go back and correct myself, its rather annoying.

qotd~”baby, be a simple kind of man, wont you do this for me son if you can?”

“ignorance is bliss”

“enlightenment is a btch”

“es por ti”

my, i have a lot of quotes for one day. all sadly with little relevancy, que odd.

bawhahahahahaha

the cruel gods of irony. how unfair and comical they are. i write here so often. and usually i try and lamenate the unprevoked misfortunes that ever prevade my life… and then one out of the 500 hundred blog entries ive written, there is one taking the time to explore my unhappiness and being rather “arotcially charged”. now which one is going to be the one that a random person reads and judges me off of? oh yess…. you guessed it. damn chris. somehow, this is his fault… i swear.

aww my cat is sleeping on me.

blogging right now brings me no real pleasure. i find it odd that my random vister recomended an author to me. mainly because so few ppl take the time to read anymore. id head down to the library and look for such works, only its closed for the moment. damn them all. i want to keep going with atlas shrugged. im only 40 pages into it and i can already tell its going to be one of best, if not the best book ive ever read. i swear, its like a meal to a starving man. i cannot possibly convey it to you. whats best is so far, nothign has even happened. no real plot development. no conflict. nothing. but the imagery. and my god the character development.

the characters (the protangonists that is) are all cold, calculating, cynical beings. is it bad that i strive to be the epitomy of them? i would like to blame that on society. i notice that i shift blame from myself quite often. i suppose cuz in the end blame doesnt matter for anything so i feel no real weight on my conscience by giving it to someone else. after all is said and done, it doesnt matter who is blamed; the deed has been done despite which way the finger points.

urgh. i guess ill go look for a way to distract myself.

 qotd~”with the water, youve come to wash away the sins of human kind.”