On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

bloody hell… i hate this. im gonna admit it, im horney as hell. yeah, i HATE society. why is it unacceptable for girls to be horney? why is it looked down upon?

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

things to be thankful for? believe it or not, im actaully very glad chris has a girlfriend. if he didnt id be tempted to do something stupid like call him. get together maybe. end up driving somewhere semi-secluded. then the code words. like a freaking secret password. all i would have to say is “do you ever think about that one time when…” then BAM, as long as he was willing, id be getting satisfied right now.

things to be unthankful for? before him i could avoid feelings of horniness. afterall, its hard to want somethign youve never experienced. but now that i know what its like to be kissed, i can easily crave it. damn him. damn his talent at kissing. damn him!!

i wanna laugh. everything is slightly more funny. im lauhging at myself for being like this. i cant help it. i should be really greatful i dont know any guys who are not in realtionships that im close enough where i could call and say “wanna makeout?” and that would be it. good thing, right?

pfft, no. damn him. grrrrr.

stupid teenage hormones.

i cant wait till im married, i swear, im not going to leave my bed for a week.

hahah, just hope he doesnt get tired out too easily….

feeling rather whorish,

ashley 

STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME GODDAMNIT B-I-T-C-H!!!!

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!

oaky im sjust getting sick of it. why the hell do guys keep fucking talking to me? doesnt it ooze from every pore of my skin my utter and complete hatred for them at the moment? fucking shit, dont oyu GET IT?? i hate boys. serisouly. ive said it before, but it was in a comical sense. IM NOT LAUGHING.

you dont give a rats ass. you want someone to fuck, or come close to fucking. you dont give a shit. it wouldnt matter who i was so long as i am hot enough and keep you satisfied. FUCK. dont you understand that im DONE WITH THAT SHIT??? i hate you all. i hate your fickleness. i hate how your lack of dependency. i hate your predictability. i hate your own lack of selfawareness for the pieces of shit that you are. i hate your smugness. i hate your egocentric minds. i hate YOU! bloody hell!! get it already. dont you understand, its finally clear  

–I–SEE–THROUGH–YOU–

 yes thats rights, BOYS; game is up, ive learned the tricks. i always thoguht i was the magician, but no, no, no, was i ever mistaken. its not me who is the mad magician around here, its you. youre not even good at it. you spend all your time attracting your audience and either you a.) do a bad job, and i realize you for what you are and i leave. or b.) you do a good job, you succeed in deceiving me. you make me think there is really magic in teh world. and when im at the height of my wonder and undescribable extacy, what do you do? “well thats it for the night folks, shows over, i gotta make a flight over to ASIA, and entertain over there. youve been a great WHITE audience, but youre really just not good enough… sorry… theyre cuter over there. theyre prettier. theyre more SPECIAL” and you leave. but you know what you goddamn bastards?? even after leaving me, you wanted me to still think the magic was real, didnt you?

bawahhahahaha

whata fool i have been. i thought it was real. i thoguht that YOU, yes, YOU of all the freaking ppl in the world, were someting SPECIAL. that maybe what you were showing me was REAL. well fuck me sideways one more time, YOURE NOTHIGN BUT A GODDAMN LIAR AND A CHEAT. all guys are. all guys that im around anyway.

its so obvious now. so obvious that a magician is never genuine. a career in deceiving. ive learned now, at the cost of my innocence, that there is no magic in the world. and if someone makes me believe there is? well then theyre a goddamn liar too.

i hate when people ruin things for me. guys have ruined guys for me. funny right? all of them. im just so pissed at all of them right now, none escape my disgust. well, i dont hate my brother, and right now im not angry at my dad (thats subject to change of course) but still. this whole rant started by jon saying “we should really hang out this week”

(decepitvely sweet voice) you know what jon?

FUCK——NO

yeah, i wasnt good enough to even talk to when i looked like a train wreck. what, youve heard it around that i look better now? not  quite so disgustingly awful? what, you wanna talk now?

FUCK—–YOU

i dont need that kind shit in my life. i just dont people. its my life. and i dont need people like you around ruining it for me. things i love in life get ruined for me by bad experiences. i.e. my like for boys. its a process thats taken 17 years to complete. so many bad experiences with boys. the last was of course chris. perhaps its harsh, but b/c his was the largest blow and hte last, i will attibute him for the cause of my no longer liking boys. its harsh, as i said, afterall, he isnt the sole cause, but hes still the most cause. chris ruined guys for me. i can no longer trust. no way. i can no longer look at them without skeptisism and wonder just how long till you see someting better and want them? a magician never reveals his secret, wanna know why? cuz if he does, you’ll never believe that magician again, or any others for that matter. get it? i see through him now. but not just him, all guys on a whole. oooooh, mad skillz.

i just cant care about guys anymore. im sure someday that will chnage. but i honestly wonder. i swear, if i had even the remotest attraction to girls, id be a lesbian. first to sign up.

unfortunately, lol, i just dont. it would never work. so sadly, a life without any love. actaully, not sadly. i refuse to see this as submission or sadness. its a good thing. im taking the road to the left!

i use to worry about taking the road less travelled by b/c i knew that would mean a life w/o getting married or having kids. but thank you christopher can samelson, i know longer have to view that as even a remote possibility. im the best pupil. i have learned so many things from you. remember we were watching fresh prince. and that guy was talking to ashley, but then some girl with a hotter ass walked by and he ran after her? and i said, yup, thats all guys right there for you, they only want one girl till something better comes along. then you said, no, when a guy really cares, he wont do that. well you affirmed what i thought, all guys DO LEAVE THE GIRLS THEYRE WITH WHEN THEY SEE SOEMTHING BETTER WALK BY (ie, you) however, IF they truely care, then theyll stick around.

the big word we should all pick up on…. IF

if there was a guy like that out there for me, maybe id get married and live the life i always dreamed of. but lets fucking face the facts. its better to do it now when im young and can recover than years from now when its too late to slavage my life. no one is ever gonna fucking feel like that about me.

seriously. could you ever imagine someone saying “will you marry, shlee?”

BAWHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

seriously, you gotta admit, that sounds stupid as hell. im just shlee. im a fun girl. im a girl to have fun with. a girl who seems a LOT more attractive when youre drunk or horney. a girl you do shit with then regret cuz you realize shes pathetic enough to actaully have taken you serisouly. a girl who sometimes confuses you b/c you think maybe theres more to her. but the more you look, the more you realize there isnt. a girl not worth waiting for. working for. holding onto. keeping around. get in and get out. mmm, in n’ out baby. then after that, her purpose has been fullfilled, time to give your love and affection to a more deserving girl, coughconniecough. no, im not bitter, i swear.  

and late at night, some time far in the future when that girl you were pursuing slipped away or you let her go. and youre like, damn saturdaye night, im fucking horney as hell. who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS! (haha, no) who else of course? shlee. why? you know shes desperate enough. shes always been desperate enough. she so desperately craves your attention that shell take so and so’s sloppy left overs. she tries to convince herself she doesnt mind if you dont really care. or that someday you will. she cares so much, she knows shes the only one ever going to get hurt, but she still thinks your worth all the pain. just to be kissed, or touched. truth be known? i didnt care toomuch about what was happening that time in your car, i cared most when you just kissed me. it meant the most. it just did. a feign at caring. and thats why i know there is some possibility that in the future when momentarily you dont have a g/f youll call me up. and sublty, (but lacking all subtly of course) ask me if i rememeber “that one time when…” im desperate enough to just have you close that i dont care how much it will hurt later, i would have answered yes.

would have… thats the key phrase

i dont want to live that life. i dont want to waste my time waiting for something that never even was. i dont consider time wasted unless you dont enjoy the way it was spent. waiting for you is the most unfun thing ive ever done. therefore, its time wasted. i cant waste life, its too precious. believe it or not, more so than even you. its shocking i know. but there are still things i hold in higher esteem than you.

i knew long ago that i needed to live for somethign more than myself. that my own sheer will to live would never be enough. ive known it since i was a child. unspoken, lingering in latant dormancy for the catalyst that would spark it into movement. if nothing else, youre my catalyst chris. for that much i thank you. i told you i wasnt mad, or angry, and that i didnt htink you were and asshole or something. i was telling you the truth. im not mad at you. im not angry. i dont think badly of you. infact, a list of things i thank you for

thanks for;

teaching me more easily than most would of my own self-unimportance

for giving me some much needed perspective to my life.

for allowing me to learn more clearly of the necesity of unhappiness in life

for teaching me unhappiness in general (believe it or not, i lived 16 years without perpetual unhappiness until i met you, but im glad i did learn though)

for leaving me pointed in the direction toward the left, the pass less traveled by.

for being a catalyst.

for allowing me to once and for all to abandone old dreams of happiness with a living husband and family and focus instead on a different life. someting bigger than myself. i need to live for that or i’ll have nothign to live for.

my resolve more than ever is strengthened to build that house. that home. to give people second chances. to save. girls, boys, adults, young, old? i dont even care anymore. everyone needs help. so much that we rarely give it to anybody. why? becuase we all are living for ourselves. its not wrong to live for yourself. afterall everyone does it. thats why we cant save anyone else, were all too busy trying to save oursleves. but thank you chris for allowing me to give up that instinct. ive known for so long that i would need to live for something bigger than myself. i can see myself in perspecitve to the world. so small. its so large.

im going to try to live for them. to let them all live the life i gave up on. to give ppl those second chances that they cant seem to grasp. so that they might grow up, move on, find soul mates, have children, grow old sitting on wrap around porches sipping tea with the love of their lives. its sort of sacrificial. yeah, i give up that most basic dream and goal for myself, but hell, so many more will get to live it instead. strictly speaking of numbers, its better this way.

i went from pissed as hell at jon, to rather tranquil, reflective, and excited about the day when i live for soemthing beyond myself.

ahh, thats blogging.

no, c’est la vive

ashley

my damn cold nights are over, until next winter i suppose. i feel *trails off*. no. thats just it. i dont feel lately. nothing there. usually i mistake the feeling for emptiness as not feeling. but hell, feeling emptiness is feeling. im not empty. im not full. hell, im barely even here.

yeah, barely even here. can you see me? really? im barely even here ppl. i dont want to give up on blogging. its been my life for soo long. i dont want it to end. before a year is even up. i dont care about the other one too much. too much audience. i just wish i could feel something. happiness. maybe even unhappiness. thinking back on it. i dont know how i ever survived. i remember it hurt so bad. i just dont know how i dealt. im getting better now… hahha, “im feeling much better now” then her mom poisons her and she dies. foreshadow? lets hope not. update? me and chris talk as good firends, completely back to normal for him. on the surface it is perfectly normal, and he’ll never no otherwise. hell, it seems normal even to me. like before. we talk lots. or at least we did this past week. we get togehter and do stuff sometimes. but its not all there. and thats cuz it cant ever be all there agian. from now on, its one sided. i use to go him for my probs and he would come to be for his. now he comes to me for his and i just tell him i dont ahve any. he believes me. thats how i know its never gonna get back to waht it once was. but i like helping ppl if i can. lately, its like, yeah i could ask help form somebody. but first, why bother? i got through the worst of it on my own, no help from no one. second, who? chris use to be the person i went to when i had someting i couldnt think to tell anybody. but now, lol, thats gone. so um, who again? thats right, there is no one. lastly, what would it solve? nothing. condolences are nice. but they dont solve real problems. they dont even help. you only hear them so mayn times till youre like, so what? hahhaa, and whats worse?? the more i talk to ppl the more i realize how selfish we all are ((myself included, but at least im self aware)) and how we dotn think the world revolves around us, but how we try and make it revolve around us. ever notice when you have a prob. and you tell someone about it, they relate it to their own lives and eventually talka bout their own probs??? its an amazing phenomenon. really. just watch someoen do it. bend and manipulate a convo till its all about them. its almost funny. but it just strenghtens my resolve to not depend upon ppl for their help or lack thereof. first off, they cant really help. second off, i have no one to talk to. lastly, they dont really care and just want to talk about themselves and hear my own holllow reassurances ((which i provide, just b/c i dont need theirs doesnt mean im gonna deprive them of mine, after all, it helps me none but it seems to assist thme, so why deny them of it?)) to make themselves feel more secure.

so chris says i need someone to talk to. i say he needs someone to talk to. Him and prolly 95% of the worlds populationl. but me, well, im lucky or unforunate, i dont know which. but i dont need anyone. thats not said pompously, or with conviciton or an air of supirority. infact its almost like defeat. it would be easier to laiden others with my burdens, but it helps me not. when i try, i end up carrying my own weight plus the weight of whomever i had attmpted to talk to. so thats it. a woman on my own. perhaps a lonely life? yes, i think so. thats what saddens me. im not angry, or begurdged but its ppl like chris… hell, lets be honest… it is chris who has ruined my love/trust/depency/faith/hope in people. its cynanism without the bitterness, meaning its just a clear perception of the world and what it is like, no not like, what it just is. so clear. didnt i ask for this once? didnt i ask for a shot of clarity? haha, yes, a shot of clarity. just enough to get my drunk off its wonder then return to my dilutted, watered down life. but the whole bottle? what does that do to a person? to live life in teh clarity of the sun? and dark? and truth? and lies? i use to be constantly squinting, not being able to look it fully in the face. but my eyes are wide and round and open now. two green saucers in a world that is suddenly brighter and more vibrant than it ever was before. but bright has the connotation of better… perhaps i should switch adjectives. defined? yes. defined. …grey that confined, grey that even ryhmed, grey that kept everything from being defined…. things use to be wavy and moving. but now its not. its just there. just is. ohhh the clarity. its like being on a drug. no thats not right at all. its like ive been on a drug my whole life and now for the first time im seeign through the eyes of someone who is off the streets and clean. completely sober. and how long then? till my syringe marks and ciggarrett burn scars are gone? do they leave? shouldnt that be part of the clarity affect, that you not forget the time prior to? perhaps. …grey in truth, grey in lies, grey in everything that comes and dies…

i just dont know anymore. more clarity. all i know is that i know nothing. a master of my trade. my trade is simply my own self analyzation. but at least im a master of it. a master of myself. but i expand. im expanding now, bordening my horizons to people on a whole. a master of people. that sounds odd. for years ive studied. no one realizes it. i didnt even realize i was doing it. thats why i think i was so smart fresh year. i spent so much time studying. but im still learning now. more than last year. im learning of clarity. i know about myself from fresh year. and now im learning not only of other ppl. but how the two concepts work together to keep everyhting in a constant motion that attempts to blur but that new found clarity that keeps everyhing inside the lines and being defined.

amazing.

i never realized what sort of application i should apply to such knowledge. do you apply. and what to. this is life. how do you apply life to life? isnt aht what youre suppose to do with your trade/craft? apply it to life to earn a living? but applying life to life. i dont even know how to go about doing that. *smiles* oh yes, i think i understand now. first learn about me. then learn about ppl. then learn how they connect. then learn how to use it all. so i get to look forward to that last bit. when i wonder… next year? i took a break form importance soph year. maybe same for senior yr. maybe not. maybe ten years. i pray not. but it will come. i have faith in that much at least.

i wish to keep writing. to not stop. to write till dawn. to someday really leave. lol. i didnt realize i had actaully done it. old school memory, escaping from school while at kindergarten by going under the fence and just running home. odd, but true. very image filled. i thought about that today. and how i would do it now. now the memories are mirror images of each other. odd. i was in ceramics. and loooked outside. i thought of jumping on the table, then over the fence. running out to the student parking lot. hoping that gate. running out. going down gavalin. feeling more free with the more distance i put between me and everyone i love, odd right? going up daisey mt. then to I17. north. trucker? why not. up and up and up. seattle. why not? then east if i want. and if get to the ocean? i dunno. stowaway? hard. pay? impossible. work while onboard? can be done. get to europe. walk my way till i get to more oceans. more work. more tickets. more rides across gods waters. and all the while i’ll still remmeber that school/home/prison and remeber how it looked best when i was looking back toward it as i ran in the opposite direction. yes, thats the only time its beautiful. when its being left behind and im moving forward. taking no one with me. just by myself. it doesnt surprise me hindu is so popular, to have karma. to live more than one life. ahhh, the sheer bliss.

and then i open my eyes and see what is around me. oh yes. still here. when? when? when? when?

not today at least.

ive fun out of things to say with a point. unconciousness is the best plan now.

–ashley–