On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

Ashez918: for winters swept but never fall
Ashez918: tears of the years faAshez918: for winters swept but never fall
Ashez918: tears of the years fall down like rain
Ashez918: tears of the years fall down like rain
Ashez918: bringing death but never pain
Ashez918: bringing death but never pain
Ashez918 is away at 3:41:26 PM. ll down like rain

i love how easy it is to get me in a bad mood. well im in a bad mood. by the way, chingame por lado y la ultima post tambien porque soy una puta (in realidad). i just cant believe i did that. wtf? and now i shake my head in utter disbelief wondering what the hell was i thinking. i–just–cant–believe.

 

okay, im thoroughly disgusted with myself and no longer with to type. goodbye all

yeah sop lets being. yestersay, i was inj the most dperssed state of sorts ever. i wrote a lot about it. a lot of what i wrote is lost for my mother was being a wench face and stated yelling at me because someoen had gotten water on my phone, then yelling at me more cuz i wasnt getting off the computer fast enough. so i tried to email it quick to myself, screwewd up, lost the wrok. yeah that freaking sucks. BUT i have some of it.

 

im trying so hard to make it better. trying so hard to make me better. i cant though, i want to so bad. im trying, i really am. maybe i was in love with him. maybe i am still in love with him. i wouldnt know. i didnt think it was possible for me to care that much. but why would it hurt so bad? why would it still hurt so bad? i want so many things. why do i want what i cant have? why do i need him so much? why couldnt he have left me alone? there is a saying, invented by a truely dumb person. “better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all” what did he know? does he know what its like to not be able to sleep at night? what its like to only find happiness in taking long walks so you can feel away from everything?  what its like to just want a second chance? to have something so close, no, actaully hold it in your hands, only to have it ripped away? what its like to always smile when you want to cry. to scream. to just stop breathing? to always wonder why? to hear music and always think of the same person? the worst one… its when youre at the lowest of the low. when the weight of gravity and time and the sky and the stars and the clouds and the sun and just the air in itself weigh down upon you until youre the smallest youve ever been. and you dont want to comlain, because some how things could always be worse, only youre afraid that this time it’ll be too heavy. too heavy to open your eyes. to heavy to laugh, to smile, to cry, to care, to dream. and then? too heavy to breath. its then that youre desperate. desperate ppl are there worst selves. i think of him when i get like that. i pretend. i imagine. i **hope** that one day it’ll be different. one day i’ll be enough for him. one day he’ll really care. i wont have to cry anymore. i wont have to lie. to pretend. to pretend. to pretend. to pretend. i want to stop that so bad. but im not allowed. always be yourself they say. but what if yourself is to be a pretender? always tell the truth? if thats so true then why is everyone happier when i just lie? im only wanted when im happy. i suppose thats the way it is. so i will pretend. i will pretend im happy. pretend everything is okay. and when its sooo not okay that i cant even pretend to be happy? i’ll go somewhere, somewhere where nobody is around. and then’ll ill just pretend something else. yeah, i’ll pretend that he cares. that he means what he says. that annie was right, when he says things like “i love you” he means it. i’ll pretend itll always be good. that we”ll forget this time ever happend. that i’ll never smile the smiles that make me want to cry. cry isnt a big enough word. but i havent any others. i’ll pretend. pretending is like dreaming. sometimes i dream about him. i wish… no i pray that i can stop. its not worth it. im so happy when i dream. and when i wake up its like i am literally smiling, only i dont know why. i only know that smiling like that doesnt seem natural. that it doesnt seem right. that some how its the wrong thing to do. so i wonder, i wonder why i shouldnt be allowed to smile. why everyone else in the world is allowed, but not me. and then i remember. and its never worth it. its never worth being happy in a dream, because when you wake up and realize the dream for the dream, its equivelant to falling. down down down down down down down down down down down down down. will it ever stop? im not sure. i suppose this could be depression. funny to think i use to never believe in stuff like that. i thought there wasnt anything i couldnt handle. but i am handling this i suppose. i always am the one to make me better. no one has ever been there to do it for me. no one has ever been there to play doctor. no one there. sometimes ppl help, emily helps a lot lately., but well shes it at the moment. ive never called someoen in tears. ppl have called me. ive actaully never gone to anyone in tears. it wont work. im not allowed to cry, remember?  he said he thought i “healed” during that week i didnt talk to him. he has no clue. no clue that i spent that whole week just trying to slow the bleeding. im not even patched up yet. i havent even stopped my heart from pumping all of my blood out to spread on the floor. im still struggling. mops and rags and towels and so many kleenex. but its not helping. its like trying to keep a dam from leaking by using bubble gum. so after that, how long do you think it will take to heal so that i can take the bandage off? i havent the slightest. i dont even know how to make it stop bleeding. how to make it hurt less. nothing helps. nothing. for this i gave up trying, one good time deserves my dying. you dont need to bother, i dont need **to be**. lyrics form that one song. epiphany by staind. dig myself a little whole inside your precious heart.  grave digger, when you dig my grave, can you make it shallow? so that i can feel that rain?

 

what is lost is my realization that conny completely replaces me in chris’s life and he no longer has a need for me to be around and we will just drift furhter and further. well that was a hard realization. a hard one my firends. so in the night i was in fear for my sanity. so i decided that in the morning i needed  to get outside and go biking. so i got up at 5, hung around till 545 then went biking until 7. i listened to music and felt instantly better. when i can home the high lasted for several hours. then around 10 i came crashign down again. i was really made nervous by this. usually i woudl feel good for at least the rest of the day, especially given how utterly awful i was the night before. well i was back to not being able to breath. then i fear i might have the onset of depression. i could do nothing. everything was such a chore. even walking. my hands kept shaking. it wasnt noticable. its the shaking oyu get when you have a really bad cold and your completely drained of all your energy and you just kind of shake when you try to do any work. well that was today. and i was like “im going to stop breathing any minute and i dont even care” well then i went to get lunch. and coming back i nearly hit soemone. which lead me as i often do to start yelling at the top of my lungs in my car. this was simply because i was tired of sucking at everything, driving included. well then as i screaemd “WHY–DO–I–SUCK–SO–MUCH?!?!” someone gave me an odd look from the sidewalk like they could tell i was screaming randomly in my car. thus i stareted laughing. for the first time that day. then i was like, yeah this is fun. i think it was the adrenaline rush from nearly hitting that car. well then i turend on my ipod. and start listening to music. well here is where we get into it folks. a little detox fo’ yo’ soul. (helz yes im gangsta)\

so in a bad state of sorts ladies and gentlemen. im not quite sure if i am out of such sorts quite yet, but im on my way and thats whats counts. so i was thinking about a detox. you know im sure of it, where someone eats nothing but vegetables and fruits for a few weeks to cleanse themselves of all their impurities. i was thinking what a good idea this is. then i decided i needed a mental health detox.

 lately i think theres too mcuh stuff in my life. just to many things i dont need. actaully this was more of a problem prolly a couple of years ago. ive been trying to break away from my desire to have material things. hence, i havent gone clothes shopping on a large scale for almost a year ( i had to buy a pair of jeans and a few long sleeved shirts for winter, but that was necessary, not luxury, i was freezing.) i think i may be one of the few ppl left who gets such a kick outta small things, which im happy about. some ppl get drunk or high to feel good. i find it hilarious that i can get the same high out of just taking a bike ride at dawn. or about walking completely aimlessly for hours to watch sunsets. just turn on the music and step outside. i swear i have a love affair with being outside. its hard to do so lately, summer is comming and with it its heat and skin burning sun rays. stupid desert that i live in. so i go in early mornign or in the evening when its a normal temperature. well lately this has stopped being fun for me. its been a way to keep my sanity. i kept feeling like being in my house was going to surely kill me thus i had to get outside and just walk around. well this is a bad thing, for now what use to be solely for enjoyment turned into necessity. well i have been doign this and instead of feeling at ease and conent with my life at the end of my walks, i felt utter dread at the idea of reentering my house and continuing my sherade that is life. puessss, not good, rght? so here is the first part where i realize somethign is serisouly wrong and i need to do something to fix it. now some of you who are of little faith may be wondering why the hell this is in the music section. dont fret im gettting there. with each stage of my detox for my soul (there are only three), i discovered or rediscovered a lovely song that epitomized everythign in my life that deserves to be emblemized into a song… so literally while i was listening to this song, i realized i was in a bad state of sorts. keep in mind this is nothign to say against the song. actaully, i find it one of the best songs ive ever herad because it is just so awesome. and if you dont know why, you cant apprecaite it. and if you cant appreciate it, we cant be friends. im sorry, it harsh, but serisouly, one fo the best songs ever.

gravedigger 

-dave mathews band 

Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913
Made his great grand children believe you could live to a hundred and three
A hundred and three is forever when you’re just a little kid
so Cyrus Jones lived forever

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger

Muriel Stonewall 1903 to 1954
She lost both of her babies in the Second Great War
Now you should never have to watch your only children lowered in the ground
I mean you should never have to bury your own babies

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain?
Gravedigger

Ring around the rosies
Pocket full of posies
Ashes to ashes
We all fall down

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain?
Gravedigger

Little Mickey Carson ‘67 to ‘75
He rode his bike like the devil till the day he died
When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze
Nineteen forty to nineteen ninety…. two

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain?
I can feel the rain
I can feel the rain

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain?
Gravedigger
Gravedigger
Gravedigger

dont try to deny it, its one of the best songs youve ever heard. and if you dont like, then actaully listen to it, reading the lyrics just doesnt display its coolness. well once i decided somethign was wrong, that really didnt help at all, cuz then i felt the need to just say “meh, what do i care if im fcked?” so next i had to decide how to make it better. easier said in done. i decided i needed to do this right here. i needed to start focusing on whats important. less stuff in my life. less clutter. get rid of everythign that has no value (which is most stuff in my life) and whatever survives this clearifying purge focus in on and give meaning to it with all that i have. the best definition of intelligence i ever heard was knowing one thing and knowing it to the best of your ability. ppl look at my grades and they think, “damn you smart” then they look at my autistic cousin and think, “damn, poor guy is a retard” lo interestante is this. i seem to know a little bit abour everything. serisouyl. any conversation about anything and i can add a little tid bit of info on the subject. my mind is a card catalogue of random facts and information that is complete superfelous (<ive never tried writing out that word before, sorry for the awful spelling). but my cousin, he can tell you literally everything about any car ever made. i sht you not. its one of the most amaznig things ive ever seen. he’ll never pass a standardized test, but when he wants to know someting, he knows it all. ive never tried to do something like that. i dont think i can switch my current amount of intelligence, or lack thereof, but in essence, i want to start focusing in on whatever is important. i havent quite be able to sift through what is unimportant and what is, but when i do, im going to do it right. so where did i get my…uh… inspiration?

 Millenium

-Robbie Williams

We’ve got stars directing our fate
And we’re praying it’s not too late
Millennium

Some say that we are players
Some say that we are pawns
but we’ve been making money since the day that we were born
Got to slow down, cause we’ll low down.

Run a round in circles live a life of solitude
’till we find ourselves a partner someone to relate to
Then we’ll slow down, before we fall down.

We’ve got stars directing our fate
And we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace
Millennium

Live for liposuction, detox for your rent
Overdose at Christmas and give it up for Lent
My friends are all so cynical refuse to keep the faith
We all enjoy the madness ’cause we know we’re gonna fade away.

We’ve got stars directing our fate
And we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace
Millennium

Come and have a go if you think you are hard enough
Come and have a go if you think you are hard enough
Millennium, Millennium

We’ve got stars directing our fateAnd we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace
Millennium

(Sometimes you know)

And when we come we always come too late
I often think that we were born to hate
get up and see the sarcasm in my eyes.
And when we come we always come too late
I often think that we were born to hate
Get up and see the sarcasm in my eyes.

We’ve got stars directing our fate (Millennium)
and we’re praying it’s not too late (Millennium)
’cause we know we’re falling from grace (Millennium)

(And we won’t stop)

We’ve got stars directing our fate
and we’re praying it’s not too late
’cause we know we’re falling from grace Millennium (fades)

this song is cool for entirely different reasons. some songs i cant hear anythign else when theyre playing, this is one of them. ironcialy its not the lyircs that i love (and sadly thats all i can share with you) its the music in the back. i will start with (remember my useless trivial knowledge? heres some of it in play right now) the fact that the background music is a completely stolen from the james bond movie, “you only live twice” which is my second favorite bond movie btw. the music in the beginning, does something i cant explain. its the use of violins, i love them so much. noting sounds more beautiful. only a piano can compete, but still, i like violins better, which explains why i also love the song “bittersweet symphony”. you gotta listen to it. its that music in the background, i could do without the words if i had to (i like them and all, but the song would be nothign without the music).  so now i know what needs to be done and i can start doing it. yay. only thing is, i need to get into a positive enough mood to do so. thus, i have two of the damn funniest songs ever written. im prolly going to hell for it but both make me bust out lauhging everytime. for your enjoyment, sublime’s best.

Caress me Down

 por Sublime

 (anyhting in parenthesies is just a translation and not actually said in the song, just so there is no confusion)

 Mucho gusto me llamo bradley,
(glad to meet you my name is bradley)
Im hornier than ron jeremy,
And if you wanna get popped in your knee,
Just wipe that look off your bati face

You hate me cause I got what you need,
A pretty little daughter that we call mixie, and,
If you wanna get beat physically
It will be over in a minute if ya

So she told me to come over and I took that trip
And then then she pulled out my mushroom tip
And when it came out, it went drip drip drip
I didnt know she had the g.i. joe, kung foo grip

And it went - uhh
And the girl caress me down- uhh
And thats that lovin sound- it went uhh
And the girl caress me down- uhh
And thats that lovin sound

When I kiss mixie she makes me feel horny,
Cause I’m the type of lover with the sensitivity,
When she kiss my neck and tickle me frenzy,
The right kind of lover on sunday morning.

En el otro lado es donde vivi,
(on the other side is where I lived)
Con mi hijita, que se llama mixie,
(with my girl, who’s name is mixie)
Y su hermana, si me quiere,
(and her sister, she really likes me)
Y ya horita, tenemos un bebe,
(and in a moment, we’ll have a baby)

Sus padres sus tios me trataron matar
(your parents, your uncles tried to kill me)
But they did not get too far
Un poco despues tuve que regresar
(a little while later I had to come back)
Con un chingo de dinero
(with a shit load of money)
Cause you know I’m a star

Me fui a costa rica
(I went to costa rica)
Para tomar y sufear
(to drink and surf)
Placticaba con la rasa
(talking with the homies)
Cause they know who we are

Si no so dio cuenta
(if you didnt take notice)
Then I bet you never were
You must be a muneca
(you must be a sissy doll)
If your still standing still

And it went - uhh
And the girl caress me down- uhh
And thats that lovin sound- it went uhh
And the girl caress me down- uhh
And thats that lovin sound

Me gusta mi reggae,
(I like my reggae)
Me gusta punk rock,
(I like punk rock)
Pero la cosa que me gusta mas es panochita,
(but the thing I like most is pussy)

Ponga la nalga en la aire if you know who you are,
(put your ass in the air if you know who you are)
Ponga la nalga en la aire y empieza gritar,
(put your ass in the air and start to yell)

No tenga miedo, I’m your papi,
(don’t be scared, I’m your daddy..)
Take your chones, y les mandan a mi,
(take your panties and send them to me)
Levanta, levanta, tienes que gritar,
(get up, get up, you have to yell)
Levanta, levanta, tienes que bailar.
(get up, get up, you have to dance)

And it went - uhh
And the girl caress me down- uhh
And thats that lovin sound- it went uhh
And the girl caress me down- uhh
And thats that lovin sound

 

 yeah im a so going to hell for loving that song. i speak spanish fairly well, but even some of that i never knew what they were saying till just now… dont hold it against me if your offended… y la otra?

What I Got

-sublime

Early in the morning, risin’ to the street
Light me up that cigarette and I strap shoes on my feet
Got to find a reason, a reason things went wrong
Got to find a reason why my money’s all gone
I got a dalmation, and I can still get high
I can play the guitar like a mother fucking riot

Well, life is too short, so love the one you got
‘Cause you might get runover or you might get shot
Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest
Never start no static I just get it off my chest
Take a small example, take a tip from me
Take all of your money, give it all to charity
Love is what I got
It’s within my reach
And the Sublime style’s still straight from Long Beach
It all comes back to you, you’ll finally get what you deserve
Try and test that you’re bound to get served
Love’s what I got
Don’t start a riot
You’ll feel it when the dance gets hot

Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that
Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that

(That’s) why I don’t cry when my dog runs away
I don’t get angry at the bills I have to pay
I don’t get angry when my Mom smokes pot
Hits the bottle and goes right to the rock
Fuckin’ and fightin’, it’s all the same
Livin’ with Louie dog’s the only way to stay sane
Let the lovin’, let the lovin’ come back to me

Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that
Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that

Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that
Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that

Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that
Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that

Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that
Lovin’, is what I got, I got I got I.. got I…. got

 

yeah, and that song is just cool, so i dont care if you hold it against me.

 

 

anyways, a detox fo’ yo’ soul people.

im feeling less hostile which im sure is a good thing. *damns her period*

 

so i talked to him like normal. the closest weve gotten to normal. then he went to get dinner, then went to his room. does that mean he doesnt wanna talk? does not wanting to talk mean he doesnt care? somehow it doesnt bother me either way. im sure this is a temporary feeling, but im okay with that. i feel okay right now. i wrote a poem, its dumb, but again, it was written in record time and completely randomly. i was in bio and just started writing when i got bored of her talking. it was doen faster than the last one, and i like it better too. here it is anyways

 

shallowed depths

 

i stared into shallowed depths

and saw your face drowning there

dulling lights gasping for their breath

waiting for a time when you would care

 

 shallower in the middle

deeper on the shore

you’re keeping my heart a kindle

but still I see you at the door

 

Secrets lie bloated and blue

abandoned for fleeting chance

i flail and drown only for you

so much that it has become my last dance\

 

 

 

all in all its rather silly, and emo, and a pathetic excuse for poerty, but then again i never was much of a writer. i just liked the way it came out. anyways, i think im gonna take my bike ride

 

so i think i ran a test trial today. i talked to him. basic stuff, everything had a purpose. if it was a test trial, it failed. i dotn think i can/want to be his firend anymore. and now more than ever i realize he doesnt give a fuck either way. i dont know how i ever thought he could care. hes the sorriest excuse for a firend that ive ever seen. it was just some other chick. amazing right? i figured he started looking into connie after me, right? rather amazingly, it didnt occur to me that he had left me for some other other girl. i dont even know if its connie. all i know is hes meeting someoen in the morning and he didnt wanna say who. so what does yours truely do? its simply too much trouble for him to pick it up in the morning after i DID IT, so what to do what to do? why of course, i shall bring his fucking homeowrk to his goddamn house. this is the last fucking time. he can fail every goddamn assignment for the rest of his fucking high school career. all i wanted was someone to care. just a tiny little bit. i guess that was too much. but then i changed, i didnt need him to care about me in a special way. just in a firend way. just care a tiny bit about me at least in a firend way. but that was too much to ask. maybe ppl like me dont get any such care given to them. maybe the rest of the world thinks were undeserving. maybe the rest of the world has forogtten about us. maybe they just dont care. i never hated him. never was mad at him. i still am not. but im closer than i was before. it makes me so ugh that he didnt even care a tiny bit. that he still doesnt. arent you suppose to care when you fuck somebodys life up? arent you suppose to feel some regret? make some move toward repentance? i meant so little all this while. i thought that there was something kinda deep there. some kind of bond maybe? id describe it as soemthing between two good firends. but firends dont ever wanna hurt their firends. id do aynthing to keep a friend from pain. he didnt give a shit. so logically… he never cared, never was a friend. i dont know why he ever talked to me, ever pretended, ever made a gesture at caring if he didnt. what did he want out of it? oh yeah, maybe he thought hed get fucked. maybe that was it, right? afterall he did try to feel me up twice, it didnt work out. less than 24 hours after the second attempt he called it off. i guess it fits. i thought he was better than that. i thought that he thought i was better than that. that i was worth more. guess the fuck not, right?

 ha-ha, get it? no one ever does… i just wish he would care a tiny bit. that maybe hed feel something. but i cant make him regret anything. i cant make him regret no matter how much i regret. and i dont regret ever kissing him. i regret ever talking to him. thats so harsh for me, but its true. ive never regretted being friends with someone no matter how fucked up it later became between teh two of us because i always thought the old good times were worth it. whatever time we had spend together isnt worth how miserable i am now. he never cared. anything i thgouth meant something didnt. there it is boys and girls. the magician has tripped over his own two feet and all of his tricks have falled outta that cape. fake thumbs, reverse cards, and rabbits stuffed in hats. evryone look quick, there it is! i am soo embittered, i almost want to wish unhappiness upon him. that someday everything he has been giving out comes around to him. is that wishing unhappiness upon him, or merely retribution? is there anythign wrong with wishing retribution on someone? afterall, if they lived great lives, the should be retributed with good in the end, right? its not my fault, i cant control his life to make im live it right and be retributed right in the end… so yes, in a bitter way, i wish symbolic retribution upon him. i hope what he throws out there comes back to him. i dont feel bad doing this, afterall, im not deciding what comes back to him, he is.

 

ha-ha, get it? no one ever does… i need to go finish his, kennys, and my projects.

 

 y luego? chingame por lado

qotd~”theres no more tears left here for you to see so pack your bags, up and leave, id rather be alone than unhappy”-rock on whitney

im sooo melodramatic… it would almost make me laugh. sooooo ive been thinking about it. after finally talkin gbaout it with emily, i feel sorta better. i think im gonna need to get things right between me and chris again. i dont know if he actaully cares, emily thinks he does. she says hes edgier lately. snaps a lot. i want to believe that. but at the same time, emily also thought he was gonna find a cute way to ask me to prom… maybe i just wanna think hes minding mine not being around anymore. either way, i think smetime within the next week, i wanna get over this. im pretty sure im over feeling hurt. i think at least. probably i will still end up feeling pretty down randomly for a good while longer, but i think my continuous feelings of self loathing are dissapating. so i want to make things right again. only problem? i still care in a way i know is not acceptable… i still want to be with him. should i wait till that feeling goes away? waht if it doesnt go away? i keep dreaming about him. i use to never be able to dream about guys i like, now i just wish i could stop. i end up waking up and feeling great, then iremember it was just a dream and i come down hard…. emilys having problems with justin. ihate that boy. i hate any boy who hurts me or my firends. except chirs, sighs, i dont hate him… i hope i can be as good of a hlep to her as she was to me yesterday, no matter what i will NOT say chirs’s name, this is her day to get over her evil boy. and its gonna be as hard for her as it was for me on wednesday when i saw chris with connie. yay, letsgo swimming!

i need soemone to smack my hand away!! now! please someone help me? i cant! i just cant. i need to be protected from myself!! im my own worst enemy. goddamn kelly clarkson getting me all depresed. i want to talk to him so bad. i wanna say hi or soemthing, anything, please why cant i? please? why would it be so bad? would it be awful? i know i realized it would be. that i HAD to do this. but now i cant seem to remeber why? nothing to do but frown, rainy days and mondays always get me down… some kind of lonely clown. i want to say something. no i just want something. i can always deal with evrything in my life. i can deal with this i know, its just harder than most things. but i want help. i want to talk to someone, just for a little help. someoen close who can tell me its okay, who can tell me i’ll get over it. that its not worth crying over. that it’ll get better, you’ll see. in a few weeks, you wont even rememeber why you were so sad! but alas. no one. my sister is pissing me off. ken is doubly pissing me off becauase i still think hes a complete bastard which is harsh but fuck it, im allowed to be harsh if i feel the need. you cant go from brotherly, to hitting on me, back to brotherly without seeming like a sick incestual bastard, sorry bud. im angry at sarah and why i shouldnt be that mad, i just cant bring myself to care enoguh to stop being mad so i just wanna ignore her. my mom? bawhahahahaha, what would i say? i cant even imagine. my cousin? nope, shes too competition lately,. i would feel like shes taking a pleasure in the fact that she has able and i have nothing. jen? i dunno why, i cant about this, just doesnt seem to fit. tiff? no, shes too callous, and would end up pissing me the fuck off. i cant stand “i told you so” people. thats her to a tee. i can usually take it without being upset, but in this situation, i would end up getting pissed off. you know tahts the FIRST thing she said to me? “i told you nothign could work with chris” WHAT THE FUCK??!??!  I wasnt angry then but i am now! WHAT THE FUCK YOU STUPID BITCH??!?! here i am, i get all emtional for you. give you all teh fucking attention you need with that goddam pussy niko. hug you and get excited when he smiles. listen for hours as you describe for the upteenth time how he held open the door. when you think its all gone to hell i try to help you in the only ways i know how. fuck, i would have taken the hurt FOR YOU if i could have. and what do i get when i get my heart trampled on? no, not trampled on, but run over. then to have the car thrown into reverse to have it rerun over it?  I GET A GODDAMN I TOLD YOU SO? FUCK YOU! IF YOU FUCKING RECALL YOU NEVER SAID ANYODDAMN THING!!! WHY CANT YOU EVEN PRETEND TO CARE? WHY CANT YOU PRETEND TO FEEL SOME SYMPATHY? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TURN IT INTO A SITUATION WHERE YOU EXERCIZE YOUR VINDICATION  IN THE MOST CONDESCENDING OF WAYS? WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING CRY IN YOUR GODDAMN CAR FOR YOU TO FINALLY REALIZE HEY, FUCK, MAYBE SHLEE ISNT DOING SO HOT, ILL SAY THE ONLY SYPMATHETIC FILLED THING IVE EVER SAID. im might as well be pmsing with how pissed i am right now. but thankfully its working, i dont feel the same strong desire to IM him. good thing im blogginh and not talking with people, id prolly go off on the first person to say, “nice evening”, not that you’ll ever read it, but im sorry tiffy, youre the first thing to provide and annoyance that i can use as an outlet to describe how i want to kill myself without actaully picking up any razors… well what about annie? nora? they dont know. i really wish annie knew. i wanna talk to her so mcuh. i think shed be able to understand, to actaully care. but shes in cali. id eat all of her roaming minutes. hesides i cant tell her. she likes chris to much, she might get pissed at him, it wouldnt be fair to him. nora? she doesnt know. emily? yes, the person i wanna get together with most. the only person who knows. who would know what to say. who could make it better. but alas, ive been replaced for the night with her church friends. i would love to go to her house. then just go study las estreas. wed talk for hours, it would be so perfect. a way to distract myself from everything external and internal. but like i said, no esta aqui. so who does that leave? paul? coby? nah, not deep enough with them? anyone else left? yeah, there is one more… no. correction. there was one more. whenever i had someting i felt i couldnt tell anyone (ie, ken incident) i went to chris. yeah, that would work out just great. so chris, let me give you this hypothetical situation. so what if there was this guy. and he was just my firend. and then i decided i wanted to be more. and he told me he felt the same thing, only he didnt and he kind of ended up crushing me. but its okay, becasue i can bend and not break, or i can break and take it with a smile… so we were good freinds again. and a part of me kept liking me, however the concious more smart part of me knew i would get hurt again. so he asked me to sadie hawkins, i was sooooo smart chris, you wouldnt belive how smart i was. i actauylly went with my head over my heart!! i said no even though i was dying to say yes. i was sooooooooooo smart! arent you proud of me? yeah well this guy just doesnt give up. we were friends again. then he starts telling me things, things like im beautiful, like he wants to go to prom with me, like he loves me. but im soo smart chris. dont worry for me! i knwo boys, i see through this! i know i cant trust boys, they like to laugh too mcuh when i get hurt. so i said NO. smart right? so smart. i know. so i think im in the clear. i think its okay. ithink ive succeeded, that ive kept our friendship AND most importantly, kept form getting hurt. kept from feeling like theres an illness inside of me. soething thats eating anything that was once me and leaving only blackness behind. but then chris, you wont believe what he did. it wasnt my fault, had he asked before hand i would have said no. but he just kissed me. it wasnt fair. he didnt give me a chance to think. to remember. maybe if i had, i wouldnt have done it, maybe i would have stopped. but he didnt. dont you think thats unfair? he didnt even give me a chance.  so i failed you could say. i gave in. i finally let myself like him. like him a lot. love? i havent an idea what that is. but no one has made me feel so bad, so thats saying something, right? well we were fine. for about 6 days. loing right? then he called it off. i said i was okay, what else do you say chris? not if your shlee you just say your fine, doesnt matter if your hair is on fire, you awlays say your just fine. yup. so i did. but now were not friends. its killing me though chris. he was such a good friend. so easy to talk to. said so many right things. maybe i’ll just ask you chris, why would he do it? didnt i care enoguh about the two of us to avoid a realtionship that could kill our firendship? chris, wasnt i good enough for him? im sorry i couldnt give more to him, i wanted to, but i cant. it was all so fast. i feel so inadequate, do you think i am? why could i just be enough? no we werent doing anything but kissing, but wasnt just the pleasure of my company enough to sustain him? even a little bit? for more than six bloody days? i need to know chris, why would he say those lies? why would he? did he think it would be funny? i dont think hes like that… did he just not care? did he really believe them? yes, that seems most likely. but didnt i ask them if he trusted that. didnt he tell me yes? shoudlnt he know better than to trust them? shouldnt he have been 100 percent sure before he played with my paper heart? he had a pretty serious realationship with this chick named shannon.i dont get htat. they made it for 6 months. but i dont understand how he could with her, but not with me. shes so shallow. so immature. so unlike him. i thought we were close you know? we shared so much. talked so much. he knew stuff about me that no one else did (or hardly anyone else did) and i thought i knew stuff like that about him. we got along so well. we could spend hours together. but, but, but…. *gets smaller* ….i wasnt good enough…. so there it is. i woulda gotten better. i just needed practice. thats makes me feel so embarrassed to say chris. why couldnt he have given me a second chance? just a little while to improve? didnt he say i just needed to tell him if it was too fast? didnt he say it would be okay? does this look okay to you chris? does it? we cant even talk anymore. ive lost one of my closest friends. i wanna scream when he doesnt say anyhting, when he doesnt even look my way. i need to know chris, i need to know, why dont you care? why dont you do something? why dont you even try? why do you feel you have to lie? why couldnt you have just been honest from the beginning? why dont you care? why not? i care so much, why do you feel none of that? why dont you try and make some of this go away. its your fucking fault and you dont even care. you never did. most importantly, you never will. i want to hate you. but i cant make myself. you know. anytime i tunred you down be it for prom or sadiehawkins, i felt miserable until things were completely better between us. its like i felt your own pain. i couldnt stand to be awake, it was like this but on a much smaller level. remeber the time you came over and we talked in the back of your truck? rememeber you came over cuz i said i was down? i never told you why. it was becasue of you, you idiot. i was fine. then annie told me how you had been with some freshmen chick. i didnt even know it would get me down. but it did. it soo did. i took the long way home from emilys just to listen to depressing music. then i got there and bam, like always you were online. you came over. you wnated ot make it better. you didnt know what it was, but you didnt care, you just wanted to make it better. why did you lie like that? i know you couldnt have cared then, its obvious because you dont care now. you dont even talk to me. is any room with just me in it empty to you? i try to seem kinda frindley. i gave you a half smile in the hall today. did you notice? were you even looking? i know everytime you walk into a room. everytime someone says your name. do you notice when im around? when im not? i didnt even put on an away message, thinking maybe you’d say hi. id have said hi by now. would have done something. but maybe this is what you wanted. yes. it fits. is this best for you? do you not wanna be my friend? is my chapter in your life closed? random quesiton, would this change if i was asain? i feel discriminated against. i asked why you liked lien, what made her so special. your response? “i dunno, shes asain?” fuck me sideways, i cant be asain. i can try and be everythign else to you, but in the end you dont give a damn. so damn shallow. it matters more to you that i come from china, or tokyo, or mongolia, or VIETNAM, or korea, or a dozen others so long as their eyes look diferent than mine rgiht? would this be different if i looked like lein? like mai? like connie? i want to hate you so much, and you wont even talk to me. i cant this cant get better! thats what i really hate. that you showed me how happy i could be only to snatch it away!!! why would you do that? you know that movie, the little orphan annie? what if that old man had taken her in. showed her the good life. showed her how great it could feel to be loved, truely cared for. then at the end of a week… lol, no six days, he told her she had to go back to the orphanage. sorry lady, but i lied, i dont really love you per se… but hey, we can still be pen pals, right?!? little orphan annie “yeah, sure, that’ll be just fine.” you know how easy it would have been for you to do nothign? to just wait six days when your mind changed and you wouldnt care and we coudl still be frineds? still talk? but you didnt care. you never did. you would have thohgt about me if you did. would have wondered how much it would crush me if you changed your mind like-you-always-do. but you didnt think. you didnt care. you just cared about yourself, right? you wanted something (even if only for six days) so you went in and took it. didnt think about how it would affect me. didnt think i would care. no. you didnt care if i cared, right? so for six days we were both happy, right? maybe? i dont even know, i wouldnt trust you father than i could throw you… scratch that, i might get you a few feet infront of me if i really tired to throw you. i couldnt trust you farther than i could throw a BMW volkswagon… so maybe happy for six days. then you got bored, right? i wasnt good enough? you decided connie was more intersting a prospect? didnt wanna get tied down? wanted to get drunk on weekends so you could feel up random girls? i dont know, i can never know! then bam, you were done with me, right? well how to tell me? i made that really easy didnt i. you know, im glad i did tell you (even if it wasnt true) that i could take it if you just ended it cuz you wanted more than i did. yeah i can recongize that now as a lie (at the time i really believed it) but im glad i told you it. maybe you wouldnt have had the balls to do it if i hadnt. then wed still be together. but what for? so you could be miserable? so everyday could be a chore. id die if i found out thats what it had been to you…

 

i think im done talking to you chris, i think im done. the last words of any importance that i’ll ever speak to you, and you wont even hear them.

 

 

if anyone ever reads any of these blogs, i’ll simply die of shame. thats how i feel about all this. completely shamed. humilated. defeated. embarrassed.

 

 lol, thanks chirs for letting me talk to you even if you didnt know i was… thnaks for being the hand that smacked mine away. yours always is.

end story

okay i need to move right along. i think yesterdays fit of “i want to kill myself” was good for me. granted it did catch my amazingly off gaurd. afterall, i had been feeling okay that day. something about the sight of chris and connie together did it for me. i musta seemed biopolar to tiffy and nancy it was so random. one moment im normal shlee laughing and joking then BAM i dont say anything and just rest my head on the back of tiffs seat. i only mention i dont wanna go to walmart, where i am more or less ignored and told it will only take a minute. so then in an action that surprised me i actaully started crying in tiffs car. silently. im good at that. not to many things i have talents for, i guess crying silently is one of them. also i apprently have the talent to not look as though i was crying, they asked if i was really tired or seomthing. i believe i shrugged. well i told them i needed to use the bathroom, so i went there to try an coach myself through the next ten minutes until i could go home and collapse emotionally in the peace and comfort of my own room. i think they both realized all was not well, tiff took such a sympathetic tone when she said goodbye i was really touched. got home. yelled, “anyone home?” wehn no answer came i knew it was safe so i surrendered to a fit of crying once more. as always, i went up here to try and write. but for once in my life, it wouldnt work. i simply couldnt. i gave up trying, wrote the bare minimum and went to my room, where i collapsed on my bed and cried some more. the music was blasting, and i new my brother had gotten home so i had to be quiet. in something characterisly unlike me, i didnt cry. i sobbed. it was weird. it was releaving though later. i felt like i couldnt stand. those lyrics from morning calls “and breathing is a foreign task and thinking’s just to much to ask” it was so true. well, i remember thinking, but mostly unconnected thoughts randomly punctuated with the question “why?” 

 

i hope thats the end of it. i hope thats the last fit of i wanna die feelings. i dunno. i want to hope, but as i learned on halloween, that is never a good idea. i honestly dont know when this will end. i don tknow when i wont care anymore. i know were never gonna be friends again. its so sad. i cared about him so much. its like im losing my guy form of emily. what hurts most i think is that he doesnt care at all. its literally impossible for him to care less. if he wanted to make it better, wouldnt he say something?anything? try to make it better?  yup, he would. only he doesnt. so he wont. you know that saying “you dont know what you got till its gone?” its so true. maybe he really did think he cared about me. only now that im gone, its prolly more obvious than ever to him that i dont mean that much after all. ((damn my ipod, it keeps playing goo goo dolls songs which all remind me of him becuase i listend to them constantly wehn it first fell apart. if i didnt have them on my ipod, i fear to consider the possibilities.)) if this has taught me anythign, its my own self unimportance. a hard lessson to learn, believe you me, but at least i figured it out.

 

i always wanted close friends that have moment i’ll remember forever with. they didnt have to be life changing moments, or anythign special, just things that for no reason in particular stuck in my mind and always will.

sarah and me when my dad through the squishy ball out the window and she chanced getting outta the car and getting it back 

with emily there are soo many one of the most prominant is when we were kids and we went bowling with part of her coffee table, we were so weird

 jen and her high park

my cousin and me going up to my room to just talk for hours

yeah you get the idea. with chris, it seems like there are tons, but thats just cuz everythign is so fresh in my mind. im sure some of them will fade with time. i remember the night i think we became really close. he came over and we sat in the bed of his truck for hours with blankets just talking until i started to fall asleep. or maybe the time we launched rockets with his little brothers and sister, i dunno why, but i had such a good time that day. it for the first time gave me and image of what life in the future might look like. he was setting up rockets, i was playing goofy games with the kids. then hed launch it and theyd all run after it. then just me and him laughing at their excitement, hed put his arm around my waste, i guess it was just nice…actaully, now that i think about it, we spent the whole day together that day. we went to work out, then he took me to lunch, then i went home. he came back in 20 minutes to luanch the rocket with the kids. then dropped me off. then like 20 minutes later he was back and asked me if i wanted to go to checkers with him. so we went there. half an hour later i was at his house telling him to go pick up pizza with me. then ten minutes after that we got together to watch a movie at the park with iggy. then finally around midnight, i went to sleep. maybe though i’ll always remember the time when he first kissed me? yeah, thats prolly gonna last forever. i remember the time i accidently sent him something on aim i sooooo didnt mean to and decided to move to russia rather than face him the next day. i went out to my truck, lied in the bed, looked at all the pretty stars and listend to music. oh wait, i definitely have one. it was raining. i love rain more than anythign else in my life. we were in his car. sitting out infront of walmart cuz i said i thought i was getting a cold (he was gonna buy me medicine… if it didnt hurt to think about, im sure i woulda say it was one of the sweetest things anyones ever done for me) well before we get outta the car, he breaks the sunroof. we were in that car for 20 minutes trying to fix it. it was just so fun. to work with someone like that. id get out, look at it from the roof of the car, then go back in and hed go out, it was just such perfect bonding moment. in the end it didnt get fixed and i felt better so no need medicine, but yup, i can kinda tell that, that will always come back to me for no reason even years from now when i barely remember chris at all.  

but heres what it comes down to i need to start forgetting these htings. or at the very least stop thinking about them. it makes no sense, but when im in dispair i think about them and feel better, but i know i shouldnt. its so incredibly dangerous to do soemthing so foolish as that. when you start to remember the past and look on it more fondly than you do the present your in a bad state of sorts. your in jeopardy of living in the past and only dying in the present. sadly i kinda wanna do just that. however, a stronger more intune part of myself recognizes this and is determined to live now. stephen king “whats fun is fun but whats done is done” myself “whats fun was fun, but whats done is done” only one word change ((is—>was)) but its such a crucial part, for me at least. whats fun really was fun, but what is done truely is done. i cannot let myself fall into thinking its gonna change. i think thats what shannon did; i hate to say it, but shes dumb. its so obvioius, ntohign will ever happen between her and chris again and nothing will ever happen between me and him again. i want to believe it like she does, that maybe, just maybe he’ll realize how wrong he was! …but alas, i know better… i actaully pity her, she still *cringes* believes. i was very smart and very profound on halloween night 2005, i wrote the most heartfelt thing ive ever wrote. i learned a life lesson while writing without even meaning too. yeah, i think i’ll post it here just incase i need to read it…

 

october 31, 2005

a shot of clarity

So it’s the last day of october… and what a disapointing october it has been. And it should be understood that I use the term “disappointing” lightly. With no exaggeration im pretty sure that this is the worst October ive ever experienced. I look so forward to this time of year, and for what? To be made more miserable than I ever have been? It like waking up Christmas morning, but not only do you find no toys… But someone has replaced your cheerios with little bits or razor wire…. October has about an hour and a half left… I expected disappointment today and my faith in disappointment never wavers, for it is one of the few things that will never disappoint… disappointment that is. I predicted the sad empty void feeling into which I feel now, (does that make me psychic?) I suppose something amazing could happen in (speak of the devil… Someone just made me slightly happier) five minutes, but I try not to hope. See, hope is the cruelest thing you can give to a man. Some say it is the kindest, but it is not. Only for the stupid man is it kind, for the wise who can see past its allusions, it is just glass… not just any kind though, broken glass with jagged edges. And people build it up in your mind, but its also that kind of glass that is cloudy, and distorts things. Makes you believe that there are things that aren’t there. But this isn’t the worse thing about hope. See whats worst is when its shattered. When someone takes it away from you, (or tries) smashes it until only scattered bits remain. Then is when the real pain comes. For all ppl, fools and intellects alike, try to pick up those pieces. We grab them up, and we try and put them together, matching ends that were never meant to stand by each others side. We paste, and tape, and glue, but there is no point. All the while our hands are in tatters, and we see that the blood is dripping down, but does it really matter? What is that red substance compared to our hope? The distortion of our lives? God damn me… its that hope. I know how awful it is, I can see the cuts, I feel the blood, and lord help me I don’t want to anymore.. but what can I say? I see those pieces and they aren’t stained red just yet… and such stains are so easily washed away. I see the pieces of glass and they shine in the sun. they cannot possibly hurt me as long as I understand what they are capable of, right? Why do they have to look so pretty? Why do they hold so many colors? So many possibilities? Its so irredscent… what color is it really? It is black. its not a shiny black, or velvety, it is just black. Darker than that even. To steal the words of Stephen king, it’s the antithesis of light. Who or what escapes it? Nothing and no one. Even as I type im picking up those pieces. And when im lucky theyre falling down faster than I can put them up. But when im unlucky, theyre holding. Odds and ends stuck together, but theyre holding. Theyre showing me that image, the one I so desperately desire. Let them fall, plz let them fall!!! Give me broken class. Give me torn skin. Let my finger nails hang from splinters, but plz don’t give me the image again. I cant take it. Its too pretty, id stare at it forever, waste away my life in front of it. Make it disappear. Make it black. I don’t want to see anymore. Give me clarity. I know ive fallen short of it for years. But I want it now. I don’t care how harsh it is. I can take the truth. The truth doesn’t open up old scars. Truth doesn’t bleed anew… truth is new everday. It doesnt repeat like some untouchable dream. But I said it before, and im saying it again, no one escapes hope. I wont be any exception to such. I can only guard myself. I will hope, (i simply cant help it) but I will NOT believe. For belief is hope carried too far. Belief is what kills. Hope hurts but belief kills. Im going to continue to hope, but no matter what, I will not trust myself to believe again. Huh… 56 minutes of October left. The month (more day, but w.e) is slightly better than it was half an hour ago… But I will not believe. This really has been the most disappointing October in my existence, I love how disappointment never disappoints me, it always turns up on cue when I predict it as so…

in a laughable but not funny way, i am not sad as i write this. not sad at all. i was before i wrote it, and slightly while i wrote it. but ahh, that shot of clarity has come from writing this all down…

-Ashley Marie Roberts

Quoteoftheday~
“I watched a flower grow today,
I watched it wilt and die
It spoke of many things to me
Of the people that had passed it by

And whether they looked back or not
That’s not for me to tell
But the story that it sang to me
Must be rescued from their hell…”
- yours truly.

ps
i have a random new obsession for stars and the night. i should buy a telescope… anyways, just incase your interested i ended fall just as i brought it in. at 11:55 i went outside and sat on my driveway and just looked at the stars while wonder played. i prolly wont listen to that cd for a long, long time. maybe not till next fall… maybe that one will be better. i dont know. the whole time my teeth were chattering, but this time it was actaully cold. what comes next? the holiday season of course. i like winter too, it brings a rush, a rush that i need (not as much as fall, but stil need) and i am looking forward to it too…. fall disapointed me. i guess i’ll just hope that winter doesnt follow the same path.

 

 

 

it was the smartest ive ever been. i made a decision that night to not fall victim to hope again. i almost kept with that decision, i was trying so hard. doing so well. i said NO, not once, but twice. i had been tested twice. i had passsed with flying colors. but then, on the thrid one (third is the charm, right?) i slipped up. the matches jumped into my hands! i failed miserably. and now i think im just gonna fall. fall and fall and fall. “and im fallling and falling”-ks choice, not an addict. nice right? well i need to let this be over now. i need it to end. im gonna hope that it is. im gonna try my best not to let emotion get the best of me. im gonna try my hardest to let yesterday be all the crying i need to do. a part of me really thinks taht could have been the last hurdle. a more pessimist side of me sees that incident replaying itself but more randomly and therefore more jarring…. ::sighs:: oh how i hope…

 

haha, i dont know if ive done this for this blog yet, but….

quotesoftheday~”i guess it’s way beyond me to sleep with yesterday”

and of course

“what’s fun was fun, but whats done is done”

 

–end story–

…i cant even write today…

 

i stareteed crying in tiffys car. but no one noticed. i saw the chick, connie. yeah, shes super cute. theyd look cute together. i think im gonna go cry a little more becasue i just cant seem to help it. i need to do it now cuz when my family comes home i have to stop.