On the Divinity of Tissue Paper

how can she be similing. its not a good thing

 its awful.

 i feel like the girl in she hates me by puddle of mudd. was i sweet for about an hour?> after that did my shit get sour?

annie says hes serious, what does she know?

sheeshe, annies a genious, shes prolly right.

annie, are you okat, you okay, you okay annie?

it was sunday, a black day

ive said it before, i’ll say it agian, i should be cut off from humanity.

hes not even eating cake. i wanna make it betterby saying something, anything. i should jsut where a sign saying im incapable of human emotion, dont even try.

  samelson04 [7:35 P.M.]:  yeah
Ashez918 [7:35 P.M.]:  work was good?
samelson04 [7:35 P.M.]:  yup
samelson04 [7:35 P.M.]:  hey dads bday brb okay?
Ashez918 [7:36 P.M.]:  aww, okay, tell him i said happy bday
samelson04 [7:42 P.M.]:  hey
Ashez918 [7:43 P.M.]:  eating cake too?
samelson04 [7:43 P.M.]:  nah
samelson04 [7:43 P.M.]:  i didnt really eat. just two chicken drums
Ashez918 [7:43 P.M.]:  was there cake?
samelson04 [7:43 P.M.]:  yeah
samelson04 [7:43 P.M.]:  red chocolate
Ashez918 [7:44 P.M.]:  is red chocolate good?
samelson04 [7:44 P.M.]:  they said it was
samelson04 [7:44 P.M.]:  i missed the whole thing cus i had work so i didnt want to eat it
samelson04 [7:44 P.M.]:  ill probably have some later tonight or something
Ashez918 [7:45 P.M.]:  ahh im sorry…. but seriously, you need to have cake
Ashez918 [7:45 P.M.]:  do it for annie if for no one else
Ashez918 [7:45 P.M.]:  she wants to eat cake see, but cant due to lent
samelson04 [7:46 P.M.]:  oh i;m not really into cakes unless it ice cream or something
Ashez918 [7:46 P.M.]:  i can eat a few bites, usually the frosting part. and thats a big deal bc for years i wouldnt eat cake
samelson04 [7:46 P.M.]:  wow
Ashez918 [7:47 P.M.]:  lol, as opposed to all theother things i dont eat, it doesn tseem that weird
samelson04 [7:47 P.M.]:  uh huh
Ashez918 [7:48 P.M.]:  pues, do anythign noteworthy with your half day?
samelson04 [7:48 P.M.]:  no im just really pissed off for some reason
samelson04 [7:48 P.M.]:  but i gotta go. nora needs teh cmputer
Ashez918 [7:48 P.M.]:  pfft, tell nora shes a slut and to stop downloading porn
samelson04 [7:48 P.M.]:  ha. bye
samelson04 signed off at 7:48 P.M.
Ashez918 [7:49 P.M.]:  nop seriously do it, shes a slut
Ashez918 [7:49 P.M.]:  chris?

GODAMNT

FUCK LENT
 iTS NOT GOING TO WORK

I AM ENLTITILED TO SWEAR IF NO WHERE ELSE THAN HERE

FUCK

 NOOK

CHINGADA

DU ME

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK

…there he is…

meaningless banter ensues

 i feel like paul, i shouldnt say ah fuck when he talks to me, i should be happy, or something right?

 goddamn him! this was MY time, i am selfish, and i DEMAND my time. I had just HALF AN HOUR untill i HAD to talk to him, i was goign to use that time to blog, and now? NO!! im too busy exchaniging meaningless banter!

“ how many lives have people changed? where were you when we were gettting high? faster than a cannonball. ” <gotta remember to buy that song of itunes. just heard it on the radio. its nastalic, or deja vu-ish, either way, i want it.

i wanna marry someoen who hears a song like that and understands why its cool…. well, not just that one, or that one most. but like, morning calls by dashbored confessionals, yeah they need to appreciate that. b/c if they dont.. they could never understand me really.

not even a simple THANK YOU??? sheeshe, i jsut saved him like an hour of work, if not more!

finally, there it is, a LITTLE LATE… but acceptable…

i want to FALL off a high cliff, not die, but just enjoy the sensation of falling, and leaving all else way up above me

 im such a selfish bitch. but at least im a self concious bitch

i was angry tiff didnt care about me and chris to even ask what went on! i mean, she calls me and i get all excited everytme niko FUCKING SMILES at her… i mean, come on! a little interest wouldnt kill you, right??

 i just dont WANT A FICKIGN BOYFIREND! WHYT CANT I JUST MAKE OUT WITH HOT GUYS WHOM IM FIRENDS WITH?????

WHY—-ARE—-MEN—SO—WOMANLY????

i dont want a “RELATIONSHIP” why should he???

i H–A–T–E that word… “relationship”

its makes me gag, and cringe at the same time

 paul is my hero… i wish it was this situation with him… maybe a tiny little bit, cuter… well, i cant really rememeber what he looked like, i always remeber ppl worse, so hes prolly fine as is. hed be my firends with benefits person. ahh, if only

 i just wanna fade into oblivion with my music.

 and music_man

never gonna happen…

 i should think about what im gonna say when chris calls…instead im playing with my gum…

oh well

im outta here

yup as quickly as it came, it was gone. i dont care anymore, at least as far as i can tell. talked about fucked up. how can i be so miserable one day, not even wanna be around him, then the next day i just say, “eh” to the whole thing… im not stupid enough to think that this is the end of it all. things that come fast leave fast, and things that take a long time to come, i guess take a long time to leave. but for the moment im feeling pretty good. i think my subconcious may have made a desicion without my consent. because im on a brink, of possible more upsettness over chris, and not upsetness over chris. and thus, ive been really perky. and listening to really perky music (come on and rock my amadeus). but then, i started to listen to a song that i really like, sure its a little melancholy, but i was certain i wasnt gonna get sad, right? well i havent, really, but im getting closer to that brink of happiness and unhappiness. i really really really really really really really like that song.

 rainy days and mondays

-carpenters

Talkin’ to myself and feelin’ old
Sometimes I’d like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin’ around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it’s all about
Hangin’ around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

liking this song means NOTHING. its just a super cool song, and thats IT.

this cheeriness is whoa. becuase i cant decide if im cheery or if its forced. hmm. either way, i know i dont wanna think about it, cuz if i delve beneath skin deepness, i dunno if the cheeriness will go away.

 damn he jsut called me

goin out to lunch and to work out tomorrow

fun, right?

thanks for the ear (or lack thereof)

ashes

damn me all to hell

 i was NOT going ot talk to him. just kind of hope that i could sever all ties.

 that was the most pathetic attempt on my part ever. it lasted about a day and a half. and that was freakign it. what the hell?

 i need to keep it up though, even though i imed him a dozen times only to realize hes at work. plus side though is that monica got those text and exited his name ((prolly so she could use it)) and he therefore will prolly not get them. however, *sighs* i even called him.

 NOT in an annoying way like shannon, he called me first and i hadnt realized it. so i called him back and just left a message, which i hate doing, he asked me how i was, i said fine, then got outta there.

 can i really just ignore him? its gonna be sooooooooooooooooooo hard. i dont think i can even do it.

 ay ay ay, so pathetic. i know. why cant i just sell all my feelings? bart could sell his soul, why cant i give away my ablility to care about people?

 oh well.

signing off

*cue national anthem*

ashes

(((((((((below is the recovered post for all intentional purposes, assuming i ever wanna know what i was thinking around nov. 20, 2005)))))))))))) 

whoa, i have another blog!!! i didnt even know that untill i yahoo’d my name for fun and found this… lucky i remember the email i used… incase i foget in the future the emial is amroberts240@yahoo.com and the password is the same i always use for every thing, think stephen king…. i dunno what i wanna write if anything… perhaps this should just be left to die. pssh dumb idea. not like anyone is gonna find this, i didnt even know i had it!!!

so whats on my mind right now… i may or may not like chris. its reallly hard for me to decide. nora thinks he might like me. but frankly i dont believe it. im not the most trusting of people. especially after they make me feel like shit. if he told me he liked me now i prolly wouldnt believe him. heres waht i never told anybody… the chris fiasco made me completely miserable. i told everyone it wasnt a big deal but really it was bad. i actually thought about cutting myself once… i know that makes me sound mellodramatic and like a million other retarded teenagers, but bite me. you dont know what it feels like to be turned down, again, and again, and agian. to have beautiful friends who could easily have any boy they wanted. its happened twice in relatively close succession, a guy tells me he likes me, then takes it back.

let me educate and males in the audience ( i dont even have an audience…) if you dont like a girl, and she tells you that she likes you, youre going to end up hurting her. but, if she tells you and you dont like her, but tell her you do… you make her want to kill herself, got it? its like youre standing on the edge, and then someoen draws you into a fake sense of security, tells you its alright, that youre okay. then BAMMM, they pull the rug out form underneath you and you fall, and fall, and fall…

a very shitty feeling indeed. anyways, i dont know if i was so upset that it was chris who turned me down, or if it was b/c i was just rejected, again… either way, it took a while to get over. but now that ive determined not to lose anymore sleep over it, nora decides to tell me that she thinks chris might like me again… i almost hope he doesnt, i dont know if i can like him now, dont know if i can really trust him. its such a confusing emotion, i want to like him but i dont at the same time… and i want him to like me, but i dont at the same time. i hate not being able to come to a decision, i normally am fairly decisive so this is very frustrating. i guess what i just want is time. i dont want us to become any more or any less than friends for at least a little while, like christmas or maybe later. i wish these werent such confusing emotions… grrrr….

i wonder what it was…. i wonder waht it always is… i dont think people realize that they hurt me. or maybe they just dont care, i dont know. people dont realize that im kinda sensitive. i laugh and smile and joke a lot so people kinda forget that i cry too. most of all i dont think ppl realize how much i care about htme. even if theyre just friends i talk to every once in a while, i still care a great deal about them. like coby, cameorn and their firends, way to make me feel like complete shit you guys. for like a month i talked to one or more of them every single nihgt. and that was a big deal for me cuz i always use to be a bit of a recluse, and then coby decides im a bitch and no one talks to me anymore, funnnnn. i suppose it makes sense though, i wasnt ever really their friends, not like someone who went to their school anyways. and then kopas going on about how mean i am, and how annoying, and lots of more things. do ppl not think that stuff like that hurts? that i would just be like “eh, whatever…” just fyi, it does make me feel bad. and then ppl like coby doing the same thing. they said i was mean to him, i dont know what else i coulda done, i thought i was being as nice as possible. then they just say, oh… well you were mean… i’ll ask, examples?… uh, i cant remember any, you were just mean… well that clears it up a lot boys, a big help you are. so basically, its not something specific that i did, i just ahve a bad personality. woot. again its like i said i care to much about other people. they always mean more to me then i do to them. chris says im sorry, i say, dont worry about it, its no big deal, what i realy thinking is, dont worry about it, ive got to make it no big deal, b/c its goin gto keep happening so i better get used to it, fast. look if i smile, and laugh, and make jokes at school its almost like it never happened! no one needs to know that i just cry before i sleep… or that i turn on my blue lights and just stop thinking that i blast music b/.c i dont wanna hear the harsh truth of my own depressing thoughts. no one at all… and thats the way its meant to be…

ashes

“cue smile”

posting again, as should be self evident by the fact that you are reading a post that is relatively new… again with this “you” buisness… huh.

de todos modos, im ignoring them. all of them. weird huh? i cant remember the last time i ignored them all. but it feels really good. i wish i did it more often, a terrible person i know. the whole idea of severing all ties. if only, right? i dont understand myself. ive become the stupidest person i know, and its driving me crazy. ((i just had the urge to use the term, “bat shit” but i dont know why, as ive never used the term before, but since this blog is completely undedited, i suppose it doesnt hurt to go with instincts…)) its driving me…uh…bat shit.

 why cant i decide? no idea. all i know is that when im with him im miserable and when im without him im miserable. what a fucked up feeling.

 but alas, le solucion. i was talking to emily and by talking to her, i mean she was talking, i was listening. and well, she thinks taht if she can just ignore a guy, she’ll stop liking him. thus, im ignoring chris, even though i am very much there, along with annie and tiffy and anyone else who attempts to IM me.

 heres the clincher though. i just dont wanna be around him. i mean, i do, and i do wanna talk to him. but i know that if im not gonna actaully be with him, i dont think i wanna be around him at all. this completely surprises me as when i did like him in sept. even after the crappiness of it all, i still wanted to be around him, and be his frined. and now. i just dont (cant?)

 thats another thing i dont really wanna think about

 lets just say boy am i glllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllad that i told him i didnt like him around valentinesday. truth be known, i couldnt decide. and therefore ((UNLIKE him,)) i decided to play it safe and say no. well what can i say, my instincts are GENIUS. because see, by the time of the dance, he was hitting on brie and asking her to go out with him again. i love brie to death, but i hate how BOTH the guys i liked that night wanted to be with her. and she has the audacity to whine about how shes not pretty or low self esteem. psycho.

 and after that (were talking monday) which would be about oh.. um, 6 days (((thats less than a frekaing week)) he professes to me his more or less undying love for lien. i’ll type it out…

 what———-the———fuck?

so, i inwardly sigh and say to myself, boy am i the smartest person i know for saying NO. it woulda been sept/oct all over again, only some how worse im sure.

 well i ask him when he started to like her, he says to me, “uh, around sept or oct i think”… now can anyone guess why those months would be of any improtance? oh, wait, I SOO CAN.

 *raises hand and calls out impatiently, “me me me!”*

yes, im brilliant, those were the months when he was leading me on for the sheer pleasure of it. yes yes yes, i recall now. and so now it makes more sense why it didnt work out. yay, mystery solved.

 well now were up to present day. i was the best firend i could be. i tried to help him get wiht lien. i did evrythin in my power, and gave the best advice that i knew of

 didnt work out.

thats it. i really really really really really really really really really really really really need to get over this whole thing.

but the not wanting to talk to him is gonna pose a problem. hes not gonna understnad why. and im not gonna tell him i dont wanna talk to him, so what now? im pretty sure were to good of firends for him to just accept the fact that im not gonna answer his calls or ims. hes bound to ask, whats up. i can only same, im tired, or nothin, or im fine for soooo often.

*sings “down” my blink 182*

thats a fricken awesome song, i love it. i love blink 182.

 im so pathetic, im not talking to him. but everytime i hear that noise that lets me know someone on my buddy list has left, i check to make sure its not him. then sigh in relief when its not. what is wronnnnnnnnng with me?

i really do wish i was heartless. ive got everyone else thinkin it. why cant it just come true already? i wish i could say this on my other blog. but its hosting to many other people. oh well, whatcha gonna do?

help me please,

ashez