it feels as though i havent written here in god knows how long.
so updates
i cant even remember what i posted last.
blatant but true
i broke up with cameron. i couldnt be with him, the only thing i could ever think about when we were together was how shitty i felt becuase of him for the entire year and a half prior.
which helped me learn something
i do believe i was never particularly angry at him. i was terribly upset. so the question of whether i forgave him, is moot. i was never angry, there was nothing to forgive.
but that doesnt mean things can just go back to how youd like them to or that it would ever be possible to be the same with someone. i was incredibly happy being his friend, but i couldnt even make it work being anything more. thats unfortunate. it would have been nice i think. i dont think its anyones fault it couldnt work. we could say its his fault for treating me like shit for a year there, or we could say its my fault for not being able to put that behind us. point in the end, does it matter whos fault it is?
theres probably too much blame in the world, and not enough pennance.
so that was one thing.
its funny i ended on pennance, i hadnt intended to, but its the perfect transition.
continuing. at some point completely unrelated to cameron.
soem stuff happened. as always, i dont wanna write about soemthing, for fear of it sounding melodramatic, and a made up experience even in my own ears. theres the possibility that it worreis me so much because it simply is a melodramatic made up experience that i only created so that i could have something to be avenged for. which means its just a possible that since i understood that concept for years and made peace with it and never invented an experience because i didnt want to be that pathetic, it actaully was a tryign time. ill never know either way, which is upsetting i suppose.
but i can say, it felt real. it felt very real. as far as i can be concerened it was as real as anything thats ever happened to me. i wrote about it somewhere else, ill post that later. its in my email. i didnt want to write it here becuaes i was afraid it would be heard. or seen. i cant say which beucase i couldnt say the difference between the two at the tiem. i dont want to waste time writing about it now buecase, its not the focus of the evening. so bullet points for the sake of simplicity.
i knew stuff hadnt been right for a while. since about january of 2007.
i knew it wasnt right but that was irrelevant becuase it hadnt caught up to me yet
things had been in aplace for a while, and could have been in place for lord knows how much longer
but like the bug that went ah-cah-choo, a catalyst happened. and then things started happening very, very quickly. im not certain why somethings in life are granted the divine power of distorted perception, thats been said for sure. but this happened. quickly.
i broke up with cameron
a few days passed.
stephen texted me and told me what a fuck up i was for hurting cameron.
so i went to a parking lot.
i threw up, but not becuase i felt sick at all, but because the trains were so incredibly loud.
i started throwing rocks.
i felt bad for the rocks i was throwing
i was very sure, fully realizing its absurd now, that i was talking to God.
i know that sounds crazy, i wasnt crazy, just upset.
i dont beleive in fate, nor do i believe in a power that dictates what i do, and how i feel. but a higher power sure.
regardless, i knew He was allowing me to know (there were no auditory hallucinations, i said i wasnt crazy) that i had done something terrible. unforgiveable things. i had been overly naive and thought if i dated cameron things might just go back to normal and i would like him again, but instead i had hurt someone. not only that, but someone who was already hurting plenty. and didnt need one more thing. then, as what happens when one is sad, i thought about other sad things
i thought about justin, and josh, and cody, and jeff, and adam, and ryan.
all of these people i had done wrong to. i should have known earlier that me and justin would never last long. i knew it to soem degree, but put it outta mind, i was enjoying dating him, i really was, but it was stupid to think that i could be with someone for a long time when we had nothing in common. so i let that relationship continue longer than wise. and he got hurt, and is still hurt.
with josh. i knew he liked me. i wanted to be his friend so bad, he was one of the best friends i had ever had. i knew we shouldnt be friends once he had kissed me. and i knew it even more when it happened. again. but i wanted to be his friend so damn bad, i just let him date me without ever gettign the sexual gratification. i thought that becuase we werent sleeping together or fooling around, that it was completely harmless. but really, for the most part it was just blameless. i was sad then, cameron issues were in full throttle, my family fell apart, i moved and lost all friends, and just felt alone. i know its sounds stupid, i see that now, but that doesnt negate the fact that, that is how i felt. so i called him anytime i was sad, asked him to hang out with me all the time, i treated him like my best friend, which could never be if he liked me, which i knew he did. in my only defence, he did tell me, multiple times, he was over it. but i suspected different, i wrote those ideas off as me simply being egocentrical, but i wondered it. so i let that go on. and not until it became painfully obvious, when he told me that he loved me and that he was still suicidal, did i try to make a good decision. he sorta made it too. we both more or less, decided not to talk to each other anymore. we had tried that once, to no avail, but the last time it did work. it not complete excommunication, just less all together. i still see him now and again, but nothing like before. it took so long. because i still miss him. i still wanna know how things are going, and i still would love to talk to him, because we became close. i was always so certain id never lose a friend like that. that i would just leave someone behind like that. but you gotta understand, i had to. i was hurting him, everyday, and when i knew that, i couldnt keep doing it. and i dont feel bad for doing that, it had to be done, afterall, look at his life now. reunited with old friends, found a girlfriend (though he did break up with her, its still awesome, and they could always work things out) and seems overall happier. so success on that part.
cody, was a good friend. i dont feel i really did anythign wrong by him until i made out with cameron on halloween. a whore moment. i own up to it.
jeff. i still dont know how i could have prevented it. which keeps guilt at bay. but its there. he was crazy about me. and i honestly believe i ever gave him any reason to think i was interested. but he still got his hopes up and then had then had them crushed. he said that once, so i know its true, not just me thinking i make more of an impact on people than i really do (though i do know i do that, egocentricism is hard to habit to kick) but he said it was bound to happen sometime. but what does that matter? it was still me who did it.
adam, i hit on him while i was drunk. i justified it because all our friends hit on everyone while drunk. but there were warning signs. and i just didnt care. so he got invested and yeah. dont we know the ending to this story?
ryan is similar to jeff. i really dont htink i did anythign to lead him on or hint that id be interested. but i shoulda known, at this point, based on past experiences, that im not allowed to talk to people. so yeah. that happened.
so that was a long ass anecdote in the middle of my bullet statements
i thought about htese people
i kept throwing rocks.
then i smoked. alot.
then i remember pennance. i didnt really understand what that meant at the time.
i was in a very simplified thought process. so thoughts came rather obviously.
rocks are quiet.
and bad peopel should be punished.
so i put the cigarette out on my arm.
then i lit up the lighter and let it cool on my ankle.
then i lit another, smoked it and put it out on my scalp.
then i held my breath and listened to how quiet it was.
and then it thoght it was funny, becuase earlier i had thrown up because the trains were so loud.
so then i started laughing.
and this is the part, i know is ridiculous, but still believe.
i wasnt laughing. i swear to god. i know i was smiling, i know my stomach was contraction muscles,i know my vocal cords were vibrating, and it was my lungs forcing air through them. but it wasnt me laughing. it didnt sound anything like me. i wasnt hearing it like you hear your voice in your head, even when youre talking out loud, i just heard it in my ears. it was coming from soemwhere else. it wasnt my laugh at all.
it was somethign completely seperate. and for however absurd it was, it (I) terrified me. it made me feel sick again,. and then i couldnt stop. akin to being high. only it was so bad. i kept laughing and kept lookign around me thinking id see some mad woman. but i still knew it was me, and again with the very simplistic thought process. if its coming from me, but its not me, then i am no longer whatever definition i can fathom for self. and that scared me more.
i stopped laughing.
i went home
i fell asleep
that is the closest thing i can think to a catalyst.
becuase after taht, it moved so very fast.
i got drunk jen
jen said i wasnt real. that i was for all purposes an imposter. she wasnt being serious, but metaphorical, she said i wasnt real anymore. that i wasnt even a person. she wasnt mad, this is just what it thought
it made me upset.
i thought of that laughter.
then i dont know for sure. i cant describe what i thought, becuaes it wasnt thought, its the only way analogy i can make for insanity. i cant describe it so anyone else would understand it. so ill explain it so i remember it. boards were all green, and all white. i wanted to live, i wanted to die. everythign was one way while simultaneously being another. it didnt work that way. it didnt fit. and it hurt.
it hurt
it hurt my head
it hurt my mind
it hurt my body
it hurt my soul
it hurt my hair
my teeth
my skin
my fingernails
it wasnt even pain though. it was incorrect. it was foregin. it was not sane.
none of thats important
i tried to attempt suicide, i literally failed at failing at failing when you think about it
if suicide is failure at life, and attemptive suidcide is failing at failing, then trying to cut my throat (though in fairness, had i doen it, im certain it would ahve worked, i didnt want any possibility of failure, haha) is failing at my attempt at failire.
well, that son, is failing at failing at failure.
stuff moved faster. much faster.
stephen came over
i had drank a lot more
i had wreaked my mayhem on some innocent grapes
he looked sad
i asked him if he wanted to take a walk
i didnt mean to do anythign bad
lets be clear. i thought stephen was cute. i thoguht stephen was funny. i thoguht stephen was interesting. the only things i look for in a significant other. but in reality, i think that about a ton of boys. cameron, john, ryan, josh, dan, victor. that doesnt mean i have any intention of pursuing something wtih any of those individuals. i cant help theyre appealing.
anyway. he got down on himself.
saying no girl would ever find him interesting or attractive
i knew otherwise, from personal experience
i told him that was stupid, but he didnt believe me
the next logical step to an already reduced child like and now inebriated mind was to prove it.
so i kissed him.
he was upset
which is the obviosu reaction, id split from cameron, only a few weeks prior? i cant be sure, i dont have a good perception of time during this monthish long period.
we didnt mention it for a few days
until we did one day. funny how that works out. its one way or another. i told him i did have a mild crush on him, he said the same, but we decided it couldnt happen.
it might have ended there. but then he made a move a few days later, i should have stopped it. but it was really fast. everything was really fast.
so it kept happening
and we kept saying it couldnt
and i kept smoking
and burning the witch
and my scalp kept hurting and it kept happening.
until another catalyst came about. dont ask what, im not sure. but i decided i was done fucking things up. ive made this decision many times before, sometimes it work, soemtimes it doesnt. i had confidence this time. i was going to let things go fast all by themselves and i wasnt goign to contribute to teh mayhem. i was going to tell stepehen , for sure, that this had to stop. that i couldnt function at the moment let alone be expected to help anyone else along. i was going to see him monday when he came down to tempe.
he told cameron on sunday we were dating (maybe it was saturday? i cant be sure…)
he told everyone.
i couldnt change my mind after that though. i was still picking up knives.
i didnt cry., but id get sick, and id shake. it felt like dry heaving. anyone looking at me in bed late at night woulda thought i was balling, but i was just going through the movements, no real tears were there. just heavy braething, shaking, heaving. the bad thing about dry heaving is you dont ever feel better, usually only worse beucase you never actaully get any poison out.
i had told him before i couldnt date him. i dont know how i could have said it better, but there must have been a way otherwise he wouldnt have thought that it was a possibility we could date.
but either way, this is the way it is now.
so my long line of destroying beautiful things is over.
this isnt an entry for justification, its for discipline, its for real pennance.
scars dont equal pennance, not by a long shot, there just a distraction, like so many other things.
so im working at this. i talked to cameron to say sorry. and for a split second i wonder if it wasnt entirely my fault thigns get so outta hand (not to say that i am not still responsible, but its a combined efffort) while talking to cameron, tryign to say sorry. having said multiple times i know i fucked up and all i want is to know if theres anythign i can do, for him or stephen or anyone else, to find a plan, a systamatic way to fix things or alleviate them in any way. and during all this, he still said something about kissing me. saying, he would if it wouldnt hurt things more. i didnt understand that. more physical intimacy could obviously only make this worse, its the whole reason i was apologizing, but he was still thinking in that direction… how peculiar?
i have no idea if me saying sorry made him feel better in the slightest.
i didnt feel better whatsoever, he explained that him and stephen may never be the same
and he kept saying, i think you just dont know what you want.
that wouldnt be a bad thing to hear, if it wasnt a slap in the face. ive dealt wtih indecision. but saying i had been in teh throw of indecision and tahts why ive been the way ive been, is like saying people in hell are warm.
its unfortunate to hear, because i care about him. still do. im still hurt htinking of him sleeping with katelyn beucase i liked, fuck it, i loved him, for such a long time there. and thats all ill ever be in his mind. thats unfortunate. but for everythign good you are, youre every bad part of you too. i provide so much justification for the things ive done, but it doesnt matter, becasue its still all mine. i still did it. i was never choiceless.
i made bad choices and now i get to know, that for now, (and while i hate dealing in “forevers”) its a possibility that ill always be, just a bitch to him, and john, and josh, and ryan (thoguh i never knew him well, i wanted to get to know him some day), who didnt care. who couldnt make up her mind. and fucked thing up on purpose. so many people believe that, and i have no intention of changing their minds. afterall, they could be right. i dont think they are, becuase it shouldnt hurt me this bad, if i was just pure evil. but maybe. its always a possibility. there are very few things i can know for sure.
but we did talk. and im hoping it helped something, and if it didnt, im fairly certain i didnt say or do anything that made it worse, and thats at least an improvement on the last two years.
then i talked to cody. similar situation. we talked about why stuff happened between me and cameron. it was nice to be completely honest. he said he was genuinely glad we had talked. he needed to know it was more me having a confusing thoughts than it was him just not being good enough. it was also nice, becuase he said he always wanted to tell me he had fooled around with a different girl once while we were dating. which sucked to hear, but was also nice. becuase hes a good guy, who just screwed up, and now, if we wanted to, we could easily still be friends at some point. it was nice to know i had screwed up, but that he wasnt flawless either. and that we could be friends. that things areny always, perminantely fubared.
nextly.
im not sure in which order.
ill talk to josh
stephen one more time, who is saint, the only one who doesnt hate me. peculiuar, beucaes i feel he has the most justification to.
john
then ill try to say somethign to my dad. but tahts another ridiculously long blog entry for a ntoher day. thoguh im sure its already in here somewehre.
but those are just apologies. that wont fix anything.
i want to fidn something else.
at first it occured to me that i simply had to stop being around people, fall into the very familiar state of bookworm-dom i was once accustomed to and not worry abotu hurting people because i wont being seeing anybody in general. but tahts not discipline. its a stupid annoying self martying idea. and it wouldnt work anyway, i have no conviction. i need to see them, perhaps a little less, and have the time spent not hurting anyone, thats discipline.
but its sitll not pennance. theres apology, prevention, and then there shoud be pennance. a way to make it somewhat more allevaited.
so without sound moronically naive, im thinkning of a drasticly impossible plan.
what it comes down to is i cant just say sorry and promise not to do it in the future. i cant talk to them about whats going on, my company has caused all the problems, itll make some of them happy, ie, alyssa and pinnic if i fell off the face of the earth, but im not too concerned about them, more so about the ones who actaully got hurt.
i cant die, which i thought would be the best plan, that would fuck up my friends, stephen, probably josh, maybe john, and cameron would be impartial i think.
and i know it sounds childish, but if you have a better idea, please, lemme know, im outta options. but i could make some money. i think i could write something worthwhile. that sounds egocentrical, but maybe i could, its a possibility, worth a try. and then wtih that, i could get josh to help me, i think hed do it, becuase he wants them to be just as happy as i do. we could do what we could with it. bode could get enough money to put his dad in rehab and/or get out for a while. josh could get his own place, he could help alyssa get outta her parents house, stephen and ryan could go to school if they wanted. i know this would take a shit ton of money, but over teh next five years? supposing i was any good? maybe some of that could happen. i couldnt say anythign. for several ideas
if i did, and they for some reason didnt hate me, then i would have that self satisfaction, making it selfishly motivated and it was selfishness that got me in this place to begin with.
two, people need to hate someone, something to be angry about, somethign to collectively dislike. and since i made myself completely worthy of that title, i have no intention of taking that away. its not fair.
its still seflish, becuase ill feel better myself, to some degree, never as good as i woulda felt had i not fucked it all up. but better still. but i cant think of a way to make it completely selfless, save for one, but that doesnt apply here.
so. id give it to josh, josh finds an excuse abotu why he gives it to everyone else. people are helped. not much, not enough to ever undo whats been done. but alleviated.
will i do this?
its hard to say, i have no conviciton. but this seems different.
plus,. i have to do it this time. its the least. and thats the only part that makes in unselfless. it woudl be easier to just put it outta sight outta mind, to unlearn if you will, but my tyring to fix it. it just makes it all the more clearer, i cant.
but whats fun is fun but done is done. this is mine. maybe ill do less shit in the future?
its the bright side, eh?
